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Topic : Betrayal

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:05 am
Author : dataimport
What do you do when a trusted friend stabs you in the back? Give them a chance to explain? Or end the friendship?

 
ladywisdom
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October 5, 2005, 12:39 pm PDT

In Your Shoes

Quote From: newhope76

    

Hello,   

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.   

thanks in advance ;0)   

I've been in your shoes on many occassions. Whenever a friend tells you that they don't have a problem with some one because they didn't do anything to them that's code language for "I would like to have a friend where I can talk trash about you and you'll never know because they don't like you." It's unrealistic to serve enemies. You need to choose. If she can't choose I would recommend limiting what you tell her and start to distance yourself from the situation. Trust me, this scenario almost always plays out the same way. RUN!
 
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katiesous
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October 7, 2005, 11:48 pm PDT

Betrayal

 I have had many bad friend situations. Now, i am 25 years old, and i grew up in LA. A lot of my bad friend situations were with friends that i knew in high school. They've stolen boyfrends, said bad things, etc... but the one that hurt the most, but also helped the most was the most recent one. This year, a friend of mine of 10 years( and not all of it was good) found a boyfriend. I didn't like him at all, but it was not my place to say it to her, because he was important to her. (he wasn't bad or dangerous, i just didn't like him.) She and i have had a temultuos relationship, but were very close. Her boyfriend thought i was too outspoken, and the things i experienced were false ( i'm a chef, so lots of drama and excitment happens during service, and to the average person, some of it may seem a bit out there). Now, she had only known this guy for 2-3 months, but took every word to heart. She didn't call for like 1.5 months, and then i got an e-mail out of the blue.  

   She started off by calling me a liar- now there's my biggest pet peeve- liars- so i was immediatly defensive. and then proceeded to tell me EVERYTHING she didn't like about me- i'm a smoker(she is too) i won't go out with her (i don't do frat bars- and i have a career that requires a lot of my energy. The last thing i want to do is hang out with a bunch of spoiled rich kids who's worst problem is that their daddy didn't buy the right color of beemer.) anyway, she went on for 3 pages about how much i suck.  

   3 years ago, i would have cried and apologised and asked her what i couls do to change. Now, not so much. I have found my authentic self, and along with that, my career, my new husband, and a very happy life i didn't even know was possible!My theory on certain bad friend situations, is if they can't like YOU, they probably never will, so why wast your time. I haven't spoken with her in almost a yaer, and i feel a bit lighter, and safer knowing the people around me are trustworthy of my heart. 
 
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katiesous
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October 7, 2005, 11:56 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: newhope76

    

Hello,   

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.   

thanks in advance ;0)   

You really can't make your friend choose. Just be their friend like always. If this ex friend did this stuff to you, it's likely she'll do it to your friend.  I've been in this position , and my friend was so supportive and good to me, even though she still remains friends with my ex friend to this day. We've already lost one, don't push your other friend away! 

  

  

PS. Don't loose faith in yourself that you can find more supportive people to surround you! 
 
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lillyangel
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October 11, 2005, 7:49 pm PDT

stupid new girlfriends

One of my guy friends and I have been friends for about a year. We met when his girlfriend, we will say her name is Beth, broke up with him. He and I hit it off very well mearly as friends. I told him from the beginning that i wasn't looking for anything sexual just a friendship. We would hang out and have a great time. My grandfather past away and he was right there to comfort me.. about 3 weeks after that Beth called him up and wanted to work things out. His heart was still with her so he took her back. The problem was she didn't like me, never met me but didn't like me. so she told him he wasn't allowed to talk to me. He went along with it. that worked for about two months when he got in trouble with the law. He went to jail for a DUI and that's when she told him flat out she no longer was in love with him. His heart was once again broke, he called me up and of course being a frined I was there. We spent almost everyday together, he was in the process of getting his daughter back, and in July he recieved full cusidty!  the problem there is we can't find his daughter anywhere....  they are sitll looking for her to this day~! I supported him the entier way went to his treatment classes with him, helped him any way I could, Then out of no where Beth calls and wants to work things out. She had been taking some classes and figured out that they are ment to be. She hasn't been a great person, while they were split she wrote him a letter telling him that it was her who made everything possible for him, if it weren't for her he wouldn't have anything. She allowed his daughter to stay with them and in the entire letter she was plain mean. HOwever his heart was still wtih her, so he says and he took her back on the condition she would except me as a friend. THat was 2 months ago, he talks to me on occasion now, and if we are hanging out she will text him "am i loosing you" or "i can't breath i need you"... it drives me insane i see what shes doing and i have tried to explain the games she is playing. She has even followed him, one time it was to my house and she freaked out. NOTHING has gone on but yet she still doesn't trust him. Should I just let go of this friendship and move on? He is a great guy shes just physho. I know in my heart i care for him, and she will hurt him yet again the question going through my mind though is should i still be there for him when she breaks his heart again or just wash my hands of all this drama? Could someone please help. I see he doesn't stnad up for himself with her, and well... i just don't know. HELP 
 
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ritehere
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October 12, 2005, 10:08 am PDT

It sounds like you want more than friendship.

Quote From: lillyangel

One of my guy friends and I have been friends for about a year. We met when his girlfriend, we will say her name is Beth, broke up with him. He and I hit it off very well mearly as friends. I told him from the beginning that i wasn't looking for anything sexual just a friendship. We would hang out and have a great time. My grandfather past away and he was right there to comfort me.. about 3 weeks after that Beth called him up and wanted to work things out. His heart was still with her so he took her back. The problem was she didn't like me, never met me but didn't like me. so she told him he wasn't allowed to talk to me. He went along with it. that worked for about two months when he got in trouble with the law. He went to jail for a DUI and that's when she told him flat out she no longer was in love with him. His heart was once again broke, he called me up and of course being a frined I was there. We spent almost everyday together, he was in the process of getting his daughter back, and in July he recieved full cusidty!  the problem there is we can't find his daughter anywhere....  they are sitll looking for her to this day! I supported him the entier way went to his treatment classes with him, helped him any way I could, Then out of no where Beth calls and wants to work things out. She had been taking some classes and figured out that they are ment to be. She hasn't been a great person, while they were split she wrote him a letter telling him that it was her who made everything possible for him, if it weren't for her he wouldn't have anything. She allowed his daughter to stay with them and in the entire letter she was plain mean. HOwever his heart was still wtih her, so he says and he took her back on the condition she would except me as a friend. THat was 2 months ago, he talks to me on occasion now, and if we are hanging out she will text him "am i loosing you" or "i can't breath i need you"... it drives me insane i see what shes doing and i have tried to explain the games she is playing. She has even followed him, one time it was to my house and she freaked out. NOTHING has gone on but yet she still doesn't trust him. Should I just let go of this friendship and move on? He is a great guy shes just physho. I know in my heart i care for him, and she will hurt him yet again the question going through my mind though is should i still be there for him when she breaks his heart again or just wash my hands of all this drama? Could someone please help. I see he doesn't stnad up for himself with her, and well... i just don't know. HELP 

 I think you need to take stock of your feelings and situation. If you were truly just his friend wouldn't you be happy to support him in his efforts to make a go of it with this Beth? She is, after all, the mother of his child. It sounds to me like either your feelings have changed for him, or that you see that this Beth is just using him over and over and you can't get him to see it for himself. Love is like that. You cannot change his behavior, or Beth's. They will work it out, or not. He will come to his senses or not.
The only person you can help is you. It sounds like you are bending over backward for this guy, and becoming fed up with it. Why are you going to these lengths when he is obviously still hung up on her?

I think that you would be well advised to "wash your hands of all this drama."  Without you there as a reason for Beth to exert control, she may lose interest again and leave. I suspect she is playing that old game of "I don't want you, but I don't want anybody else to have you either." Your boyfriend needs to come to this conclusion for himself though, and give himself time to get over her, before embarking on any other relationships.
 
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lillyangel
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October 12, 2005, 11:14 am PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: ritehere

 I think you need to take stock of your feelings and situation. If you were truly just his friend wouldn't you be happy to support him in his efforts to make a go of it with this Beth? She is, after all, the mother of his child. It sounds to me like either your feelings have changed for him, or that you see that this Beth is just using him over and over and you can't get him to see it for himself. Love is like that. You cannot change his behavior, or Beth's. They will work it out, or not. He will come to his senses or not.
The only person you can help is you. It sounds like you are bending over backward for this guy, and becoming fed up with it. Why are you going to these lengths when he is obviously still hung up on her?

I think that you would be well advised to "wash your hands of all this drama."  Without you there as a reason for Beth to exert control, she may lose interest again and leave. I suspect she is playing that old game of "I don't want you, but I don't want anybody else to have you either." Your boyfriend needs to come to this conclusion for himself though, and give himself time to get over her, before embarking on any other relationships.
I do care for him dearly and i simply don't want to see his heart broken yet again. Beth is not the mother of his child. The mother of his child was a high school sweetheart who didn't work out and has now taken the child to where no one is able to locate them. Beth has told him time and time again that she will never be a step-mom. Thank you for your thoughts on this situation!
 
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helena309
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October 12, 2005, 11:22 am PDT

Betrayal

i was friends with this girl named lea and i had a bf we were all in the 4th grade you know we all had fun together and one-day i was at school and my boyfriend said he was sick so he couldnt come so i said ok ill have lea to drop off your homework because ill be after school.so he says ok.so it was at least 5:30 and i came home from after school so i started wlking towards his house just to she if he was feeling better and when i opened the door all i heard was i love you so much so i went around the corner to the bedroom and opened the door and i saw my best friend and my boyfriend making out and doing other stuff too.so i jumped right on them and strated fighting and they were like give me a chance so i did and all they were saying was a bunch of lies so i dumped him and never spoke to my friend again.was i right for that?
 
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jettav
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October 12, 2005, 7:00 pm PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: helena309

i was friends with this girl named lea and i had a bf we were all in the 4th grade you know we all had fun together and one-day i was at school and my boyfriend said he was sick so he couldnt come so i said ok ill have lea to drop off your homework because ill be after school.so he says ok.so it was at least 5:30 and i came home from after school so i started wlking towards his house just to she if he was feeling better and when i opened the door all i heard was i love you so much so i went around the corner to the bedroom and opened the door and i saw my best friend and my boyfriend making out and doing other stuff too.so i jumped right on them and strated fighting and they were like give me a chance so i did and all they were saying was a bunch of lies so i dumped him and never spoke to my friend again.was i right for that?
4th grade is TOO young to be even thinking about making out!!! Now, I can see how and why you would be upset about this happening and they certainly were not true friends to you but 4th grade! at that age, kids are immature and don't think before they act most of the time. How old are you now and do you still see these two? I am assuming that by now you have probably dated some and have developed new friendships and I think you need to not hold grudges especially since you were all so young, definetly should not have been fighting over something like this, just too young to be thinking about it. What are they like now? I believe in being true to people but I also believe in forgiving one another as no one is perfect, you must follow your heart, yes, you had the right to be upset and all but maybe it is time to forgive and get on with life. 4th graders know absolutely nothing about dating and true committment and I say becasue you were all so young, maybe it is just time to admit that kids do crazy things and hopefully ALL of you have learned lessons through this especially about true and honest friendships and what it means to committ to some one.
 
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helena309
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October 13, 2005, 7:20 am PDT

Betrayal

Quote From: jettav

4th grade is TOO young to be even thinking about making out!!! Now, I can see how and why you would be upset about this happening and they certainly were not true friends to you but 4th grade! at that age, kids are immature and don't think before they act most of the time. How old are you now and do you still see these two? I am assuming that by now you have probably dated some and have developed new friendships and I think you need to not hold grudges especially since you were all so young, definetly should not have been fighting over something like this, just too young to be thinking about it. What are they like now? I believe in being true to people but I also believe in forgiving one another as no one is perfect, you must follow your heart, yes, you had the right to be upset and all but maybe it is time to forgive and get on with life. 4th graders know absolutely nothing about dating and true committment and I say becasue you were all so young, maybe it is just time to admit that kids do crazy things and hopefully ALL of you have learned lessons through this especially about true and honest friendships and what it means to committ to some one.
to be honest m`am/sir i really dont what happened to them because i moved.im not 13 years and yes i have been dating better guys well not really i now have a new bf hes in 9th im in 7th so we are happy with everything.and i totally agree about what you are saying about forgiveness but to be honest im not that forgiving sorry.
 
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hollz83
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October 18, 2005, 1:00 pm PDT

Betrayal

I am 22 and from NZ, My best friend was dating a guy for just under a year and a half. That was three years ago! We have all matured and grown up. We have stayed in contact ever since they broke up, we can tell eachother everything! Well... recently we have been dating and I confronted my friend and she said I had betrayed her! I know im young but this feels right! He adores my 2 year old daughter and has wanted me ever since they broke up. My friend said to me that I should F*** OFF and never to contact her again! Its hard because we have been friends for 20 years and she was there for me when I was in labour! I am really confussed and not sure what to do now. We have only been dating for a week and I have lost her as a friend. DO YOU THINK I HAVE BETRAYED HER??
 
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