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Topic : 12/20 Cranky Kids

Number of Replies: 135
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Created on : Friday, September 21, 2007, 12:19:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/26/07) Do you wish kids came with a manual? Dr. Phil shines the light on the biggest mistakes parents make, and along with Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of Mending the Broken Bond, he tells parents how to calm the atmosphere in their homes. First up, Renee says her 3-year-old son won't behave, unless her husband, Brian, is around. What do they need to do to get his behavior under control? Next, Angie, mother to three kids, says her youngest child's tantrums can last up to 30 minutes. Could Angie's guilt be contributing to her son's behavior? Then, Shannon joins Dr. Phil via Web cam to get help with her 4-year-old son, Branson, who screams, kicks, hits, bites and calls her names. What is the big mistake she makes? And, Michael, is a stay-at-home dad to 3-year-old McKenna, who throws tantrums daily. Could he be to blame for her outbursts? Plus, Suzette and Tony's 5-year-old son, Malachai, has already been kicked out of three preschools, because he hits teachers, throws toys and won't follow the rules. Find out what in-home video cameras caught on tape, and why Malachai's parents say it's "disturbing." And, see what happens when Dr. Lawlis makes a house call to Eve, whose 10-year-old daughter, Julia, tells her, "I wish you were dead." Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

January 3, 2008, 10:02 pm CST

Your choice

Quote From: steffiev

My oldest has a cell phone and he is 15 years old.  We didn't negotiate the phone.  We told him no until we decided we would get him a phone and he got it for Christmas.  My two girls, 12 and 13, try to engage in negotioations all the time with me.  I refuse to negotiate with them.   They do not have cell phones and tell me about every week they are the only kids in school without one!! It's So sad!!  I believe negotiation starts and ends in a power struggle.  Each person trying to win.  This doesn't belong in raising children.  I believe it lowers respect for the parent. When my 13 year old comes down the steps and her shirt is too low and Ican see any amount of cleavage--I turn her around and she changes.  We don't negotiate these important issues.  I go to her school and many girls are coming out of their tops and I wonder how their parents let them leave the house dressed this way!   Raising teens is hard but we have always managed to stay the course and so far so good!  

In your statement "by setting rules without talking you cause fear..."  Your right I don' t ask my childrens opinions about the rules.  We parent the children not placate them. 

Your there parents you have the right to do as you wish. I most likly will not be that way and have open talks about items. But I wonder why she has clothes in her closet that she isn't allowed to wear? I never understood that about any parent actually, they let them buy them in the store but then what change your mind when you get home?

 

And having talks (negotiate) isn't lowering anyones respect. If you let say were in the clothing store and you two are picking clothes, you can negotiate what items are okay and what your not willing to bend on. This way they still have voice. When I asked my mother for a pager, she laughed and said NO. Then later I pointed out to her that she would be able to get a hold of me at anytime, like that last weekend when I was at the mall and she wanted to pick me up eariler then we agreed but she has to go searching the mall, which took her almost an hour before she found me. After that she said you know your right, got me a pager and told me I didn't return her calls within in 10 minutes it would be cancelled. See bend and flex.

 

But your the parent you don't have to be like that, I just couldn't image doing that. If they have a good point I never thought of I will listen to them about it. But then I plan on buying my son a cell phone when he starts K, so I can keep track of him.

 
January 4, 2008, 3:26 pm CST

too small!

Quote From: tiffany_2007

Your there parents you have the right to do as you wish. I most likly will not be that way and have open talks about items. But I wonder why she has clothes in her closet that she isn't allowed to wear? I never understood that about any parent actually, they let them buy them in the store but then what change your mind when you get home?

 

And having talks (negotiate) isn't lowering anyones respect. If you let say were in the clothing store and you two are picking clothes, you can negotiate what items are okay and what your not willing to bend on. This way they still have voice. When I asked my mother for a pager, she laughed and said NO. Then later I pointed out to her that she would be able to get a hold of me at anytime, like that last weekend when I was at the mall and she wanted to pick me up eariler then we agreed but she has to go searching the mall, which took her almost an hour before she found me. After that she said you know your right, got me a pager and told me I didn't return her calls within in 10 minutes it would be cancelled. See bend and flex.

 

But your the parent you don't have to be like that, I just couldn't image doing that. If they have a good point I never thought of I will listen to them about it. But then I plan on buying my son a cell phone when he starts K, so I can keep track of him.

To clarify-  she like to wear the tankies under her shirts and she has outgrown the tankies.  She is 5'4 and believe me - she has cleavage!   The girls love to wear their clothes so tight right now!  Yes, we have new and larger tanks now.  We do shop together and I do approve most of her clothes.  I don't care what style she wears and long as she is covered.  I dressed all three of my kids in Gymboree every day for many years.  They reached an age when that wouldn't work anymore.  It's all about fashion now. I didn't know what  Juicy Couture was until my daughter educated me!  She also tried to educate me on 7 jeans! I don't buy 200 dollar jeans for a 13 year old!  They want to grow up so fast.

 Yes, I bend and flex when appropriate and stand firm with standard principles. 

 
January 5, 2008, 10:46 am CST

parenting

Quote From: steffiev

The world does work in this way.  Last time I worked(granted it was a long time ago) I didn't get to negotiate my hours, work, people I worked with,  or even after getting hired get to negotiate an increase in salary.  I was given expectations and had work requirements and was expected to accomplish those.  My husband 's boss doesn't come in to see how he is "feeling" everyday. 

Kids these days never get told no.  Parents want to be their best friend and give in to their demands.  I do demand respect from my children as their parent and I expect them to respect others as well.  I have health, happy children who know and repect the rules of our home.  Yes,  my girls tell me many eyeopening stories about the girls at school.  We have a very open line of communication.  The most startling is when a mother dropped of her daughter and a friend spending the night at a boys house at 2 in the morning and picked them back up at 5.  Believe me, the friends mother had no idea and obviously trusted the family with her 13 year old daughter for the night.  A few girls in their school  are are allowed to roam the neighborhood until 2 in the morning.  I never thought I would be hearing stories like this in a million years.  

Ok - my brother always told me- major or the major and minor on the minors!  It is so true for tweens!

I did explain why she needed to change-- cleavage was showing.  Why?  All the other girls dress like that!

That's a major -  The funky belt is a minor- wear it! 

Here is one for you--if your not too bored by now!  Ha HA

Our elementary school is K-6.  Most Fridays they have something called RecNRoll down at the recreational center in our town.  It is strictly for 4-6 graders.  They have dancing and food.  They play the hip music the kids love and also play slow songs for the boys and girls to dance together.  My daughter came home and asked if she could slow dance with a boy.  That has been her last night to RecNRoll.  Yes, I did explain why I thought it was a bad idea for children this age to be slow dancing together.   I don't expect for my daughter to realize the impact she has on a 12 year old boy when she is standing up against him slow dancing.  I can't explain this to her where she can comprehend clearly.  She is too young.  Sometimes, explanations won't work they are too young to understand mature reasoning.   The school should not be encouraging slow dancing this young. One state wants to dispense birth control at school to as young as 12. Duh!!!

Thank you for replying to my post before, you do bend it seems its not your way or the highway and you try not to control every little thing. But does your daughter at 12 know about sex? My mother told me when I think I was like 10 "Don't sit on that boys lap, they are easily turned on now, and this is a NO-NN".  12 year olds totally understand sex, don't assume females of the same age as boys arent having those feelings. Its best to be open about it. There is a reason why that school in Maine is handing condoms out to 11 year old girls, they want to drop the pregnancy rate. Its not sad that they are doing this, its sad that they are needing to do this. Why cause parents don't talk to there children, there too busy at work and wanting there own life, or they just don't have a clue how to talk about a serious subject. I think its very naive to think a 12 year old doesn't understand was sex is all about. And slow dancing doesn't have to be done in a way that turns the young boys on, usually at young dances there are adults there telling kids to put space there.

 

I always felt sorry for the kids that were sheltered cause they were the ones that were pregnant by high school. And i'm not just saying that, its true I saw it and some of them were my friends, they had super strict parens and basically they would do so much behind there parents back that they would end up in trouble, IE pregnant and having there first kid by the age of 16.

 

I believe a parent can be a parent and your best friend (thats what you want) you want your child to be able to tell you everything, but also know your going to put your foot down about stuff that can hurt them. My mother was and is my best friend, and I got grounded for some of the stuff I did, I learned real fast if I told my mother something I did that was bad I would get a less punishment, I would still get in alot of trouble just not as much as if I tried to cover it up. 

 
January 7, 2008, 2:51 pm CST

Sheltered

Quote From: tiffany_2007

Thank you for replying to my post before, you do bend it seems its not your way or the highway and you try not to control every little thing. But does your daughter at 12 know about sex? My mother told me when I think I was like 10 "Don't sit on that boys lap, they are easily turned on now, and this is a NO-NN".  12 year olds totally understand sex, don't assume females of the same age as boys arent having those feelings. Its best to be open about it. There is a reason why that school in Maine is handing condoms out to 11 year old girls, they want to drop the pregnancy rate. Its not sad that they are doing this, its sad that they are needing to do this. Why cause parents don't talk to there children, there too busy at work and wanting there own life, or they just don't have a clue how to talk about a serious subject. I think its very naive to think a 12 year old doesn't understand was sex is all about. And slow dancing doesn't have to be done in a way that turns the young boys on, usually at young dances there are adults there telling kids to put space there.

 

I always felt sorry for the kids that were sheltered cause they were the ones that were pregnant by high school. And i'm not just saying that, its true I saw it and some of them were my friends, they had super strict parens and basically they would do so much behind there parents back that they would end up in trouble, IE pregnant and having there first kid by the age of 16.

 

I believe a parent can be a parent and your best friend (thats what you want) you want your child to be able to tell you everything, but also know your going to put your foot down about stuff that can hurt them. My mother was and is my best friend, and I got grounded for some of the stuff I did, I learned real fast if I told my mother something I did that was bad I would get a less punishment, I would still get in alot of trouble just not as much as if I tried to cover it up. 

I agree- if your trying to explain sex at 12 your too late!  I think my girls were 9-10.  That was the age they starting asking questions.  We went through it all!  I was sheltered growing up and when I went to college I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with issues.  However,  due to my moral upbringing I was able to stand true and not go off the deep end. Thank the good Lord!  I don't think I shelter my kids near as much.  All three of my children know everything there is to know about sex.  We have an open relationship and they come to me any time they have any questions and believe me new questions pop up all the time!  It's quite funny and we always end up having a good laugh with each other. 

 I guess my point was I remember my mother telling me not to french kiss a boy because he would get too excited.  I really don't think I ever "got it" when I was young.  I had no idea what this really did to the poor guys! 

My problem with the  dancing is I don' t think a school should promote slow dancing at this young age.  Why invite trouble?  A dance is a great idea- but a fast dance with no grinding allowed  ! There are so many kids  and not enough chaperones and the kids get tight.

 The pressure on kids these days is unbelievable.  Even more so that when I grew up.  Especially for the girls.  It's really hard to raise them.  It takes a lot of energy and time to be a good parent.  I have always considered it a privilege to be their mother.  I am firm but very loving and my job is to instill morals and values in their heart that will lead them to become strong, responsible, morally conscious young adults.  If I can do that, all else will fall into place.

 
January 16, 2008, 7:52 am CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: steffiev

Your right we will agree on very little.  After all, we have very little in common.  Your raising a three year old!

Lots will change.   We are all idealistic at that stage.

 

Like it or not? Birth control?  Yes, go ahead and give in on that one too!  Just throw in the rope!

 

Good luck!

I have to say, as the mother of a teenage daughter....... I would feel better knowing that if she felt that strongly about having sex she came to me for birth control. Rather than have her do it behind my back and have a baby she wasn't ready to have. We can use the NO SEX all we want with our kids. But it doesn't mean they won't do it. I would rather she waited if it was something she wanted to do. But at the same time, I have a very open relationship with her and hope she would be comfortable enough with me to come and say Mom, I have to talk to you. I am also raising 2 boys and would want them to do the same. I am not saying I want my daughter having sex, but short of locking our daughters up if they feel that strongly they are going to do it. My daughter and I have a very opened Dialogue about sex and reporcussions of having sex too soon. I often tell her if you ever think you are ready and this is something you are going to do, Please come to me for Birth Control. Please don't be afraid. When you can't go to your parents is when unplanned babies happen. I don't promote it as yeah go ahead and do it. But I promote being safe and knowing all there is to know about it.  
 
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