Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

Reading your quote, you sound like me.  I could actually picture myself saying what you are saying.  Some of the things you said, I had said before.  Well I don't have any best friends, I have associates (people I just talk to).  That is true---that your bestfriend can become your #1 enemy.  You could be friends one day, and the next day you all may disagree on something and she could put all your business out.  Then you would hate her guts (LOL).  That's a good idea of having "Close Friends" but never a best friend.  But with some of your close friends, you might have a close relationship that could develop you all to be bestfriends.   It's okay if your "Close friends" consider you their best friends, although you don't consider them the same.  Does that make you feel awkward?  (That they call you their best friend and you call them your close friend).  Yes we do have the same situation right now and that's a coincidence.  My ex-best friend knew I cared for him also, but for some reason she didn't want me to date him again.  He put me through some things, but as I got older I came to the conclusion that, it wasn't that bad.  I just know how to deal with him this time.  You know?  My ex-best friend said that he was a player and a bad person too. She tried to protect me from him, but I told her whatever decision I decide to make you should respect it.  Personally, I didn't want her to interfere with that situation either, because I knew she was going to give negative energy.  Well closing this quote, me and her are not talking anymore.  She didn't try to contact me and I didn't try to contact her.  We are going to leave it at that.    

I have recently desided to start over in my life. The friends I have had in the past are still around and they are fun people but most of them do not have the same expectation of life that I do. They use drugs and/or had children at a young age and have other obligations. Since I have no children of my own and I stopped using drugs and drinking like i used to, i have found it harder and harder to relate to my old friends. Meeting  people with the same goal and values that I have is difficult to because most of the people that I have met have with similar values but are much older then me. I am not a very out going person which doesnt make my delema any easier. If any one could offer any advise i would love to hear it. 

Guess that's the story of my life. After the latest disaster some 14 years ago I simply gave up.  

I looked after an amazing creature in the person of my only child (a girl!!!) during some 16 years and when she had enough of me two years ago I moved as far away as to another continent because I didn't want her to end up like and/or to become like me.  

In other words "I didn't have the right model", neither in parenthood nor in partnership. Somewhere along the line I decided I am the only one I can rely on and that I'd therefore better stop wasting time on aimless relationships with others.  

Never had any longterm friends, longterm intimate relationships and as it shows, no longterm jobs either. Not even the motherhood job lasted too long.  

So what is this? Am I queer or was my life designed that way? Know a lot, but apparently not sufficient to put an end to this roving, moving, confinement, loneliness and as it appears unsuccessfulness.  

Cheers to you 

Marianne 

Mari:  

Hi! 

I have , some people just are not comfortable in the skin of smiling at strangers, that make eye contact at them when in a resturant or at a conference or luncheon etc. Some people loses trust in their own live or suffer too mcuh pain, in a relationship, so it make them shy away from anything that resembles getting closes enough to get hurt.  

I know both sides of this, I was enotionally, physically and mentally smoothered, men I tursted none, not one. My sons, they were not man , they were my sons, but men even my brother in-laws I feared. I spoke little and added little to conversations when I was in their company.  

I just felt like, I did not know what too say that would be right. I was not too be intellegent, or have goals or look attractive, or have a life outside of my home. It took me twenty four years to gather the muster up too leave that hellish life. I was insulted by my won sons and males in the family because I did not know , that I had a right too be intelligent and offer that too others, outside my home.  My former husband would ask me, if I asked for a dollar ;What do you want it for, he would delibrately leave me with no money, no gas, and he told me flat out, "I do not trust you with my money" but I could not hold a job. If I did he would be sure too make me late enough times too get written up, I would just quite.  

 I got counciling, a good counsilor will help you over come fears of saying the wrong thing, being what you feel is the wrong person. It will help you too learn too listen as well as contribute, it will help too bring you too find yourself worth and others value.  

I ahve several close friends, for years now one for 33 years , she and I are in contact daily and shop once a week together unless she or I are ill. I am have anothr friend, that she and I share her friendship too, she is special needs, and we take her with us on trip she likes, she is not into shopping.  

Friendship is a loyality from the heart, it is looking past all the imperfection, and acknowlegding your own. It is knowing that you can love this person, regardless of things that are not totally what you stand for, but you too have qualtiies and imperfections, they can live with.  

My best friend and I do not always agree, but we respect each other, I would go through hoops for her, as she would for me. I am always on watch for her health, with her husband, she has had Cancer, and she is always on watch for me. We go too church together almost every Sunday. We sit in the same place, I have offer as she has helping others. We have helped one another become better people, and become better people through one another.  

Loyality, love and no gossip meaning, when you are not with this person, you do not talk about them usless it is too praise. I hate the work but and and. I have heard so many people say, I love them but, or and they......etc this is usually the end of trust and loyality. Is it worth it, I would not trade a room full of casual friends for my three close friends.  

I treat people how I want too be treated, I never think I am better than them. I leave room for sharing as well I share, and I never let money , politics or disagreements, over come my loyality.  

If you smile at others in your neighborhood it is a start, you do not have too move in with them, just hello and good by, you never know who might be that friend, keep conversations light. Do not overly judge people , unless you want the same.  

I trust men now, and can talk too them without fear , I am confident, and know I am intelligent, and know how too clearly express my thoughts.  

It was not an easy achievement, I even kept 150 lbs too hide me. If I was attractive them I would have too deal with their interest. Now, I know not every smile is an advance and not every advances is too fear. I can handle myself, the whole time that was the only one I had too take control of  "was me". It is all in what we send each other as a message that the response comes back, positive or negative.  

I hope you find a friend soon. Everyone needs too be loved, no necessarily in love or married, but having people who care is important. That is why GOD filled the plant in the first place , we just learned to detach ourselves from one anothers needs. That is the true bummer of it all, but it can change, one by one.  

Best 

Dorr 

Seek those that will add too who you are , not take from who you are and leave nothing for you.  

Be a sincere caring person, and others will care, that are sincere too. But be wises, seek only those that give you positive feed back. You are at a point now, you have grown out of those friends, feel great about that, but say little about them . Your new friends will be listening for your critical side, what you say about the old, will you say it about the new.  

Better, too be happy you have change who you are, and not carry them around as why you changed, you changed because of who you were in there company. That is a huged recognition, I did this years ago, at 17 years old. I was headed no where, but they were not too blame, I own who I was and now I am glad I owned up too it soon enough.  

Hoping for you many new friends,  

extreme 406 

Please, do you want lasting friends, there are plenty of lonely people in the world , not all of my friends are 50 some are 19 years old, and we do lunch as a mentor or studying for her GED,  others are suffering and need someone too stop and have tea, or bring them a plate from my own cooking. One just has too call a local senior center, or a mentor group, or Cancer society.  

Find lasting friendships, I have older friends, with sons and daughter that have become friends, it is something worth while, it has paid out huge dividends and it does build lasting friendships based on a special part of a last friendship when it is from the heart.  There are allot of unnecessary loneliness in the world.  

Extreme406 

This is the first time I have been on this kind of forum.  I am not one for sharing these kind of personal feelings usually.  But I understand this topic of conversation very well. 

My husband suffers from a disability and many people find it challenging to form long lasting friendships with him therefore I also suffer.  I would really like to have some close friends who not only want to share friendship, but perhaps spirituality together.  This is difficult to find. 

So many people are so self absorbed and only looking out for their best interests.  So whether they mean to or not, I get "so what can you give to me".  I think that I am overall a very giving and caring person (sometimes that has been my downfall and people have taken advantage). 

That makes it even more difficult for me to try to find friends.  I don't really want to be a door mat to friends anymore.  I want a mutuality.  Is that so hard to find?   

Searching for answers............... 

 I don't believe anybody can have two many friends even if it's via e-mail, I do e-mail a couple of people already that I've met on this site but I also would love more. I don't type very fast and I have my two babys around me but I do try to respond as often as I could. My e-mail address is in my profile. 

I hope to hear from you. 

Didi 

Hi, 

I can so relate to a lot of the letters. It seems when you are in your teens you have a few friends to go and do stuff with. Then when you get married the friends seems to really trim down to one or two couples. Then later it's no other couples just you and the hubby and the children going to ball games. Then the kids get older (teens) and it's just you and the hubby left looking at each other. Then I start to analyze the relationship and the hubby never really cared for friends, he was just along for the ride. I'm a stay at home mom, and it's taking years to see, but a person really does pull themselves away from friends, always doing the hubby or children thing, throw in an occasionally craft show. Can anyone relate to this letter? 

Linda 

i have difficulty making friends and i never get to do anything because i don't have friends to do anything with and i do not like to be alone and i would like to have friends to do things with and hang out and get to know each other as friends 

there is nothing fun to do alone and not anyone to do it with.