Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

 I came here with some of the same frustrations about relationships and I have everything going for me. Reading the info here helped me put things in perspective. You are right, women in general don't want to "carry" a man. No one can give us the answers we seek. I think it is perfectly natural for individuals to wonder why people are the way they are -- just like it is natural to desire a friend or companion to share ourself with. So for what its worth, thank you all.

One of my favourites is' "It's what's inside that counts"

sung by Coleman Wild(e)?

I am looking for friendships on the board.  I am a female over 50.  I have read Colin Powell's book, both of Barak Obama's books, Bill Clinton's book, books by Tavis Smiley, Tim Russert's book about his father and other books by political authors.  I enjoy vocal and instrumental jazz and my computer.  I enjoy making cards using my Hallmark program and sending cards to my family, friends and to our soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afganistan and those in the VA hospital near my home.

I love my grandchldren and enjoy talking with them even though they are across country from me.  I have anxiety problems and have a very difficult time leaving my home except for doctor appointments. I also have arthritis in both knees and need surgery but afraid to have the necessary surgery.  I am an attractive person, but overweight by nearly 100 lbs. 

I just want friends who are uplifting as I try to be to others.  I would love to have board friends who would just say "HI" and find out the person that I am.  I don't want to meet anyone, just board friends.  Do I have any one out there who might be interested in becoming a board friend.  And I don't mean male friends, I mean male or female board friends...FRIENDS!  So do I have any friends out there? 

I am a fairly intelligent person. I am loving and caring and would bend over backwards to help anyone. I am always polite to people. At the moment i am in a really dark place emotionally bacause I am becoming more aware of the fact that I am unable to make female friends.  I had a difficult upbringing and my parents disowned me, during my childhood i was discouraged from making friends because my mum was a loner and my dad was always at sea in the Navy.  I have never really had 'friends' there are always people I say hello to and may stop in the street for a chat but no one ever takes my number or invites me round for coffee. It feels likey the humor me by giving me five minutes of their time and thats it.  I always invest heavily at the slightest hint of an impending friendship, I spend time with them and help out where I can but within a few weeks they just drop me. I am wondering if I am just one of those peolpe who are destined to be friendless. My partner thinks it may have something to do with my physical appearence....I am nearly 6ft tall with ginger hair and i carry myself tall!! I also have a broad Scottish accent.  I stand out from the crowd and he thinks that may intimidate people......book and cover comes to mind....but he may have a point. when he said that I started taking note of my female peer group and started to notice liitle things that had previously gone unnoticed....they all dressed the same and had similar haircuts....I am not fashion conscious and just wear my hair long and straight.  Am I friendless because I am intimidating or different?  Am I friendless because I force friendships with people who just humour me?  Or am I friendless because I am sending signals that are negative and overbearing?...........I always have a smile on my face and I normally I am an extremely positive person.....Is it normal not to have friends at the age of 33, when all the people I know have cosy little groups with big invisible signs saying 'KEEP OUT EMMA!!!

As Dr. Phil would say...How is that working for you?  If what you are doing isn't working for you, then you need to make some changes.

1. I would suggest first start smiling when you past people and just say hello and keep walking.
2. Forget your upbringing, you are an adult now and capable of changing, IF YOU WANT TO!
3. People don't usually stop on the street to talk with strangers, so don't expect to find a friend by doing this.  That is right, they are talking to you aout of kindness.
4. STOP investinging and spending, let others do that if they are interested in your conversation.  If your conversation is good, they will contact you for more conversation.
5.  Your partner is wrong...it is not your appearance from what you have described.  Go to a store that you like and ask for a salesperson near your age and ask them to suggest an outfit that is casual for a lunch or going to a sporting event.  Then ask for suggestions on an outfit that would be appropriate for an evening at a dinner or bar or church event.
6. Then go to an upscale barbershope and ask for a facial, update hair cut or trim.
7. Check out your shoes, if they need to be changed, then change them too by your salesperson.

If you truly do what you say you are doing, then you shouldn't be having any problems, and possibly just want someone to talk with on the boards.  You contradict yourself a number of times.  Honestly, if you do all you say you are doing, you should not have any problems unless you choose to have a problem.

One last thing, become a volunteer of programs for the community and don't drop out!

Hi Emma,

For many years, I never had much in the way of friends either as I was always too busy.  Now at age 39, I decided it was time to make more room for people in my life and as a result, I now have several friendships -- friends who are like sisters.

Anyway... don't get too down on yourself if you are currently having trouble finding friends, because not everyone you meet is friendship material anyway.

Some people are friendly but they are not really looking to form friendships. 

I guess when you encounter people like that... the best way to know if they may be a potential friend as opposed to just being friendly, is if they are consistently friendly towards you every time you meet. 

To be more specific... Do they take an interest in you and your life or are they just being pleasant?

If they seem interested in you and your life... that is someone who might be a potential friend.

Another thing that you want to do is try to join some clubs or whatever where you can meet people with similar interests. 

And finally the last piece of advice that I have is that you need to be careful and not come across as too needy or too agressive in terms of wanting a friendship with someone, otherwise you will scare them off really quickly.

If you meet someone who is a potential friend... and during the several times you have met, your  communications have been pleasant (i.e. they take an interest in you, your life, AND you find them to be interesting as well )... maybe just say something along the lines of : 

"You know, we really ought to get together sometime... I'd love to hear more about your _____________ "

(stories, travels, your kids, your hobbies, etc, etc)

If they say "no" than don't push it any further.

If they say "yes" to the idea... let them take the lead for a while... until your budding friendship with them gets more firmly established.

Good Luck,

Cricket

P.S. You mentioned you have a Scottish accent, do you live in Scotland now?  I would love to visit there someday. From the photographs I have seen of it, it appears to be one very beautiful place.