Message Boards

Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

Number of Replies: 345
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:42 am
Author : dataimport
Do you have difficulty making or finding friends? Meet others like you and share your story.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 9, 2007, 3:39 pm CDT

How Is that working for you?

Quote From: coppertop33

I am a fairly intelligent person. I am loving and caring and would bend over backwards to help anyone. I am always polite to people. At the moment i am in a really dark place emotionally bacause I am becoming more aware of the fact that I am unable to make female friends.  I had a difficult upbringing and my parents disowned me, during my childhood i was discouraged from making friends because my mum was a loner and my dad was always at sea in the Navy.  I have never really had 'friends' there are always people I say hello to and may stop in the street for a chat but no one ever takes my number or invites me round for coffee. It feels likey the humor me by giving me five minutes of their time and thats it.  I always invest heavily at the slightest hint of an impending friendship, I spend time with them and help out where I can but within a few weeks they just drop me. I am wondering if I am just one of those peolpe who are destined to be friendless. My partner thinks it may have something to do with my physical appearence....I am nearly 6ft tall with ginger hair and i carry myself tall!! I also have a broad Scottish accent.  I stand out from the crowd and he thinks that may intimidate people......book and cover comes to mind....but he may have a point. when he said that I started taking note of my female peer group and started to notice liitle things that had previously gone unnoticed....they all dressed the same and had similar haircuts....I am not fashion conscious and just wear my hair long and straight.  Am I friendless because I am intimidating or different?  Am I friendless because I force friendships with people who just humour me?  Or am I friendless because I am sending signals that are negative and overbearing?...........I always have a smile on my face and I normally I am an extremely positive person.....Is it normal not to have friends at the age of 33, when all the people I know have cosy little groups with big invisible signs saying 'KEEP OUT EMMA!!!

As Dr. Phil would say...How is that working for you?  If what you are doing isn't working for you, then you need to make some changes.

 

  1. I would suggest first start smiling when you past people and just say hello and keep walking.
  2. Forget your upbringing, you are an adult now and capable of changing, IF YOU WANT TO!
  3. People don't usually stop on the street to talk with strangers, so don't expect to find a friend by doing this.  That is right, they are talking to you aout of kindness.
  4. STOP investinging and spending, let others do that if they are interested in your conversation.  If your conversation is good, they will contact you for more conversation.
  5.  Your partner is wrong...it is not your appearance from what you have described.  Go to a store that you like and ask for a salesperson near your age and ask them to suggest an outfit that is casual for a lunch or going to a sporting event.  Then ask for suggestions on an outfit that would be appropriate for an evening at a dinner or bar or church event.
  6. Then go to an upscale barbershope and ask for a facial, update hair cut or trim.
  7. Check out your shoes, if they need to be changed, then change them too by your salesperson.

If you truly do what you say you are doing, then you shouldn't be having any problems, and possibly just want someone to talk with on the boards.  You contradict yourself a number of times.  Honestly, if you do all you say you are doing, you should not have any problems unless you choose to have a problem.

 

One last thing, become a volunteer of programs for the community and don't drop out!

 
October 9, 2007, 3:49 pm CDT

Keep the Faith

Quote From: coppertop33

I am a fairly intelligent person. I am loving and caring and would bend over backwards to help anyone. I am always polite to people. At the moment i am in a really dark place emotionally bacause I am becoming more aware of the fact that I am unable to make female friends.  I had a difficult upbringing and my parents disowned me, during my childhood i was discouraged from making friends because my mum was a loner and my dad was always at sea in the Navy.  I have never really had 'friends' there are always people I say hello to and may stop in the street for a chat but no one ever takes my number or invites me round for coffee. It feels likey the humor me by giving me five minutes of their time and thats it.  I always invest heavily at the slightest hint of an impending friendship, I spend time with them and help out where I can but within a few weeks they just drop me. I am wondering if I am just one of those peolpe who are destined to be friendless. My partner thinks it may have something to do with my physical appearence....I am nearly 6ft tall with ginger hair and i carry myself tall!! I also have a broad Scottish accent.  I stand out from the crowd and he thinks that may intimidate people......book and cover comes to mind....but he may have a point. when he said that I started taking note of my female peer group and started to notice liitle things that had previously gone unnoticed....they all dressed the same and had similar haircuts....I am not fashion conscious and just wear my hair long and straight.  Am I friendless because I am intimidating or different?  Am I friendless because I force friendships with people who just humour me?  Or am I friendless because I am sending signals that are negative and overbearing?...........I always have a smile on my face and I normally I am an extremely positive person.....Is it normal not to have friends at the age of 33, when all the people I know have cosy little groups with big invisible signs saying 'KEEP OUT EMMA!!!

Hi Emma,

 

For many years, I never had much in the way of friends either as I was always too busy.  Now at age 39, I decided it was time to make more room for people in my life and as a result, I now have several friendships -- friends who are like sisters.

 

Anyway... don't get too down on yourself if you are currently having trouble finding friends, because not everyone you meet is friendship material anyway.

 

Some people are friendly but they are not really looking to form friendships. 

 

I guess when you encounter people like that... the best way to know if they may be a potential friend as opposed to just being friendly, is if they are consistently friendly towards you every time you meet. 

 

To be more specific... Do they take an interest in you and your life or are they just being pleasant?

 

If they seem interested in you and your life... that is someone who might be a potential friend.

 

Another thing that you want to do is try to join some clubs or whatever where you can meet people with similar interests. 

 

And finally the last piece of advice that I have is that you need to be careful and not come across as too needy or too agressive in terms of wanting a friendship with someone, otherwise you will scare them off really quickly.

 

If you meet someone who is a potential friend... and during the several times you have met, your  communications have been pleasant (i.e. they take an interest in you, your life, AND you find them to be interesting as well )... maybe just say something along the lines of : 

 

"You know, we really ought to get together sometime... I'd love to hear more about your _____________ "

 

(stories, travels, your kids, your hobbies, etc, etc)

 

If they say "no" than don't push it any further.

 

If they say "yes" to the idea... let them take the lead for a while... until your budding friendship with them gets more firmly established.

 

Good Luck,

 

Cricket

 

P.S. You mentioned you have a Scottish accent, do you live in Scotland now?  I would love to visit there someday. From the photographs I have seen of it, it appears to be one very beautiful place.

 

 

 
November 2, 2007, 8:44 am CDT

to mssylady1

Quote From: mssylady1

I am looking for friendships on the board.  I am a female over 50.  I have read Colin Powell's book, both of Barak Obama's books, Bill Clinton's book, books by Tavis Smiley, Tim Russert's book about his father and other books by political authors.  I enjoy vocal and instrumental jazz and my computer.  I enjoy making cards using my Hallmark program and sending cards to my family, friends and to our soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afganistan and those in the VA hospital near my home.

 

I love my grandchldren and enjoy talking with them even though they are across country from me.  I have anxiety problems and have a very difficult time leaving my home except for doctor appointments. I also have arthritis in both knees and need surgery but afraid to have the necessary surgery.  I am an attractive person, but overweight by nearly 100 lbs. 

 

I just want friends who are uplifting as I try to be to others.  I would love to have board friends who would just say "HI" and find out the person that I am.  I don't want to meet anyone, just board friends.  Do I have any one out there who might be interested in becoming a board friend.  And I don't mean male friends, I mean male or female board friends...FRIENDS!  So do I have any friends out there? 

 

I to was am like you. I'm 6'2 and always had problems making friends. I think it has to do with height. People I think are afraid of how tall I am. I got to the point, that I really don't care what people think of what I look like. I am a very likable person,fun,witty, and Irish.I just recently lost a very good friend of mine to brain cancer. And I guess as we get older, it is harder to find friends out there. And by the way, I'll be your friend!!

 
November 11, 2007, 9:57 am CST

FRIENDSHIPS BOTH MALE AND FEMALE

 WHY DO I SAY FRUSTRATED, BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS SUCH A HARD THING TO HAVE, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ALOT, SOMETIMES MORE THEN YOU WOULD IN A MARRIAGE, BECAUSE YOU WANT A FRIEND TO BE FOREVER, AND TO LOOK OVER ALL OF YOUR SHORTCOMINGS AND FLAWS, TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE KNOW MATTER WHAT MISSTAKES YOU MAKE.  THATS THE PERSON WHO YOU CAN SHARE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU,  YOUR FAILURES, YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS, AND YOUR LIFE DREAMS AND THEY HELP YOU MAKE DECISION ON THESE THINGS. 

FOR ME THAT PERSON WAS A SISTER THAT NOW IS WITH GOD IN HEAVEN AND EVER SINCE HER DEATH I HAVE NOT FOUND ANYONE WHO EVEN COMES CLOSE TO UNDERSTANDING ME AND MY FEELINGS OR VISA/VERSA.   ITS LIKE A GOODMAN THERE JUST IS NOT ENOUGH OF THEM AROUND AND WELL I QUESS  THE ONE I AM LOOKING FOR IS SOMEONE ELSES BEST FRIEND, WHY DO I SAY MALE OR FEMALE, BECAUSE I AM LOOKING FOR THAT BEST FRIEND ITHER MALE OR FEMALE, AND KNOW ITS WHATS INSIDE THAT COUNTS.  I AM 53 AND I BELIEVE THAT ITS ALWAYS HOPEFULL THAT YOU WILL FIND THAT FRIEND, ITS SOMETHING I LOOK FORWARD TO, AND YES I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS.

WE HAVE TO INTERACT IF WE DONT WE CAN GO CRAZY NOT HAVING SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO US, EVEN IF ITS A PEN PAL ON THE SITE, ITS NICE TO COMMUNICATE AND SHARE LIKE FEELINGS, AND LIFE PLEASURES AND HEARTBREAKS AND ESP. OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS EVEN SMALL ONES.

PATRICIA OUT

 
November 29, 2007, 12:47 am CST

Hi Dani

Quote From: dani103

I know exactly how you feel..  I to am in the same situation - and feel rather down about not being able to make friends.  All the mom's at my kid's school also have friends of their own and are not interested in making new ones.

 

I am based in South Africa but, should you be willing to have a friend on the other side of the world, I'll be more than happy to be your friend..

 

All the best Dani... 

Just been reading the message boards and I am new to this!!!!!

 

I also understand what you all mean by people having enough friends and not needing an extra friend.  It is so difficult to establish meaningful friendships.

 

I am also based in South Africa and was very happy to see that you were too.  If you could do with another friend, I would be happy to hear from you.  Drop me an e-mail or send a message!

 

Trev

 
December 4, 2007, 1:43 pm CST

Making new friends

    Lately I have been  reviewing my friends list, and have decided that most people I know are not people that I need to have around me or my family, and I have taken steps to brake up the friendships. But I have noticed also that I do not wish to meet any new people or make new friends, I feel that I am better off without getting to know people. I live on a military base and people are extremely back stabing and I just can't take it any more. It is like living thru your highschool years again, but never getting a chance to leave school  at the end of the day. I am usally a very friendly person and love to help others out,  but it seems that when you go out of your way for another , they take the first chance they think they can get at bringing you down... why is that, why are people so vindictive?   Has anyone else ever  felt the same way, that they are much better off  without a group of friends?

 
December 6, 2007, 5:33 pm CST

How to keep good friend around you?

Hello: I am new on this site. I am 38 year old and married woman with no kids. I am happy, peaceful person in life in general. I am shy person by nature. I feel making friends in my area is hard work. I feel I have to make the effort calling them or e-mail to keep my name in their mind. People are always saying they are busy. And I say" Busy in what?"  Because I choose to not to have children in my life I feel I'm missing out in something because I'm not always busy. I have time for a lot things I like to do.

 

It funny I always feels I'm the only one feels this way or experiences and I notice people I just caught up on things in their life and missing out the fun part having friends around your circle of life.

 

That's my story!

 

Mercy

 
December 25, 2007, 3:34 pm CST

BPD and Friendships

Hello ALL,

 

My name is Lisa (nik.Tigs) or Tiglibud if ya prefer that!  Whatever, makes no difference to me!  Anyhoo...saw this site like totally by accident.  Been click/click/click'n 'round lately on this here internet thing.  Started up in August.  Few weeks later dumped the Toxic Boyfriend...Aug 23rd...WHAT A WINNER, NOT!  Major Jerk!  So!  Anyways...

 

He comes back in October...and well!  I MEAN WELL!  WASN'T "THAT" special...INDEED NOT!

 

So...

 

So, I came on this here posting message board forums and attempted to find Friends, CALLED IT "QUEST FOR FRIENDS" ...well!  Let me enlighten ya's all...as since I have always found getting, keeping, and not freaking out friends... well!  WELL WELL NO WELL!

 

No, I mean...I am seriously Sick as a person!  Too bad!  Mainly I'm pretty cool to hang with!  But!  WOW ON THE PROBLEMS ALREADY!!!  hehehe

 

Let's see...Can't have or keep them things called friends because...

 

BECAUSE...

 

I have Borderline Personality Disorder

Bi-Polar

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Chronic Pain (TRUE STORY OF MURDER ATTEMPT)

ummmmmm?

Memory was busted up...too darn many kicks to my head (MEN! hehehe)

 

NO...I AM NOT TURNING LEZ!  I still really love the guys!  What can I say...???  Sucker for punishment?

 

OH!  That totally reminds me!  YES!  Got that SI behaviour issue also...That's short for "Self Injury"

 

Also referred lovingly by me as "Carving" ...or others as "Slashing" or others yet as "cutting"

 

What frigg'n Ever...HELPS ME COPE!

 

Okaaaaay....Best watch what I write eh?  Those darn guys with the "Clean white coats might knock on my door any day now!"  YIKES ON "THAT!"

 

Reminds me...hehehe ...When I was 15 years old YEP!  SPENT 11 full months in the ol'LPH  that's "London Psychiatric Hospital" ...I'm almost 41, so no worries...those are old horror stories now, and I like totally won't bore ya's with "THAT" nightmare!

 

OH!  YEP...That also!  "Night Terrors" ...YUCK AND DOUBLE YUCK ON THOSE!!!

 

Okaaaay!  SheeeeSh eh?  Can I get more?  OH YES I CAN! hehehe

 

Also got HEP C from Blood Transfusions...CRAP!

 

hehehe

 

HAVE I SCARED THIS FORUM OFF NOW ALSO? What does any of it matter, right?  Friends, No Friends...WHO CARES?  Well, kind'a in all honesty "I CARE!"  This is getting pretty sickly boring and lonely over on my end!  Know what I am trying to say?  Prolly not eh?

 

Okay...I'LL JUST LEAVE NOW...YEP!  That's prolly totally for the best...but I'll check in perhaps...or not...WHAT-EVER, hehehe

 

Post'ya ALL Later!  Maybe!

 
December 26, 2007, 7:43 am CST

Your not alone Towers

Quote From: towers2002

hi

 why is it that its hard to find a girl friend to to love and be friends with and be happy ?

 im not good looking -disabe -can't see  or hear to good to drive or work . beleave me you would not want to be in my shoes .seem the ladys i meet only what one thing  money and sex and good looking man . i don't drink or smoke or take bad drugs .

 i dont even think dr.phil  ever talk about people like me who have a hard time finding the right one .

 in some ways i think he puts us down .sure there are man who are lazy and etc .but im not them .

   what i see in a person is what they are on the in side .and not what they look like on

the out side . same that the way lfe is here . but i keep going .becouse i know sooner or later there some one out there for me

.

Hey Guy!

 

You are totally NOT ALONE MAN!!!  Really!  I can relate like you got no idea!  I am not an ugly woman, but I end up with the worse kinds of men!  I am also disabled, and very messed up with mental health problem that are SUPER SCARY for most!  So, guess who I get?  Druggies, weird-o's and men that have abused me badly!  I recently dumped one in August and he returned  in October and tried to "OFF-me!"  What a loser!  Now, January I gott'a go into court and tell the stupid sorted tale to a judge and get this idiot off the streets so he can't hurt me, someone else or for that matter himself!

 

Anyways, I got tons to do here,so I gott'a run for now, but I'm posting here now..if ya need a friend, and just fyi  i  also have tons of FUN POSTING in a couple other sites with ezboard...come and be my pal..i can use good friends in my life!  Here's the places, if yer interested at all...LOOK ME UP, hehehe

 

http://p088.ezboard.com/bwww56024

 

http://p082.ezboard.com/bmenofwar

 
December 26, 2007, 11:17 am CST

Good Stuff Charly

Quote From: charly31636

Absolutely!  People get what they can and then disappear.  I'm not interested in meeting people on one hand and want company in the other hand. ( I am learning to live independently)  I do think I will be better off relying on myself and being my own company, etc... 

 

I am kind of shy, but when I want to,  I give to a friendship and am very nice, etc...  I'm tired of being mistreated.   Charly

NOW THAT IS COOL ...Charly (boy?)  or is ya a woman? Sorry, but y'er nik "Charly" could actually go either way, and I post slightly differently with men over women...this avoids aukward stuff ...men need to be handled with a more buddy attitude on these post boards I am finding, or misunderstandings of the "ahem" kinds can occur!  Know what I am say'in?

 

So! Back to what ya said, SHY, WELL!  I can't say that about myself, but people usually don't hang with me for long on account of my "spells" ...hard to describe.  Anyways, I think it's admirable of you to be pushing yourself to be "independent" because I personally find it SUPPPPER HARD!  What-EVER!  I got it figured that if they don't wish to be around me, then "noth'n I can do to force them" ...so I let'em go...I have a friend on the outside ...her name is Michele, and she totally puts up with my crap!  GOOD STUFF!  but, shoot I've known her since like grade 9...and she's seen me through some seriously tough stuff!  Anyways, this is off my point totally now, hehehe

 

CRAP!!!   hehehe, sorry Charly, totally forgot my point...shoot!  Nevermind me then, hehehe

 

OMG!  Soooooo Sorry I am a bit messed up,silly me...I think that I wanted to try and convey a thinking that for me anyways...I have chosen "BAD men" because they would take care of some of my needs in exchange...and all I needed to do was allow them to hurt me, I DUNNO...that didn't come out sounding very normal, did it...can't allow men to hit women!  It's not "Right" ...so, I decided in August to ditch that crap, and all the other negative behaviours, GET A THERAPY DUDE ON MY SIDE...still working on the "Trust" and all that Jazzzzz, but ~I am hopefull~ You are very blessed to be so far in your independence struggles!  GOOD for you!  I hope this message made some sense to you Charly, sorry if my points were hard to comprehend ...Have A Wonderfully INDEPENDENT Life (gal/guy) ...Glad to read your posting, Good Stuff!

 

From silly me, TigLi, hehehe

 
First | Prev | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | Next | Last