Hi,
Sorry for my bad english, my mother language is dutch.
When I was just a young boy I only had one idol I looked up against: Clint Eastwood from the spaghetti westerns. Lonely, mysterious, fearless and strong. Today I'm 18 years old and I'll end up just that way, only not mysterious, fearless and strong.
Let me just guide me through my life. I know there isn't a major problem in my message, but I would really apreciate it if you replied it.
On primary school I only had one good friend, but I really didn't care, because I was happy. We played almost everyday and were almost like brothers. But then he turned his back against me, and I really felt bad about it. You can even say I felt 'betrayed'. From that moment I never trusted anybody fully 100%, but my parents.
I owe my parents a lot, they always looked after me and they always want what's best for me. My loyalty towards them is so great that I've never told them my problems. If I had a fight at school, I just didn't say anything at home, just because I didn't want to disappoint them. I want them to be proud of me, I seldom brought friends home when they were around, because then I was scared they would not like my friends and be disappointed of me. If I was bullied I would keep my mouth shot to my parents. I even made some kinda contest with myself not to tell any bad things or feelings about myself to anyone.
I got an unusual way of thinking. I saw people who loved each other as weaklings, because they shared their feelings. I saw them as weaklings, who were too afraid to live on their own. I saw most groups of friends also as weaklings, because they would only follow their leader, or just because they feared the loneliness. If I saw people crying , I would they were sad because they don't know the horror in poorer countries. Therefore I kept myself strong and said nothing.
I still have some friends, but only to sport with or to watch soccer in the stadium or at the television. I also never told them about my past. I keep them also at a distance. Just because I don't trust them 100% -and most of all- my contest with myself would be lost. My selfrespect would be gone. I also never had a girlfriend, I never even tried to get a girlfriend and that's really strange, because I don't consider myself as a badlooking person. I even turned down people who wanted to start a relationship with me. I really hate myself for it now. In my new study almost nobody thinks I am a nice person. And I exactly know why, but I can't change it. I think almost everybody sees me as a regular guy who has lots of friends. But I'm coldhearted to them and keep my distance.
I get isolated more and more, now that I’ve started a new study in a new city.
I told a girl who I chat with for over 2 years, my problems 3 days ago, just because she doesn't know my parents or my friends, so she couldn't possibly be a threat to me. I felt like I had to bring it out, so at least somebody would understand me. But after I told her my problems I felt horrible. All my bad feelings which I never shared with anyone came up. All my respect for myself was gone, I felt kinda like a judas to my own religion. How could I have shared my feelings with someone? Now my 'inner contest', which lasted for more 7 years was lost. That one thing I respected myself so much for is gone now. I know I can't live on like I used to live, but I really don't know how to live anymore. I can't tell my parents how I felt for over 7 years, they are more important to me then I am. It’s s hard for me to get friends, because I don’t trust them. I figured that I could move to the city where I study now and ‘start a new life’. But it wouldn’t make me feel better.
To my standards I remain a weakling for the rest of my life.
Does anybody know what to do?
