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Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

Number of Replies: 345
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:42 am
Author : dataimport
Do you have difficulty making or finding friends? Meet others like you and share your story.

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July 24, 2005, 7:23 am CDT

Difficulty finding that one love

hi

 why is it that its hard to find a girl friend to to love and be friends with and be happy ?

 im not good looking -disabe -can't see  or hear to good to drive or work . beleave me you would not want to be in my shoes .seem the ladys i meet only what one thing  money and sex and good looking man . i don't drink or smoke or take bad drugs .

 i dont even think dr.phil  ever talk about people like me who have a hard time finding the right one .

 in some ways i think he puts us down .sure there are man who are lazy and etc .but im not them .

   what i see in a person is what they are on the in side .and not what they look like on

the out side . same that the way lfe is here . but i keep going .becouse i know sooner or later there some one out there for me

.

 
July 24, 2005, 12:26 pm CDT

Difficulty Forming Friendships

hi

why is it that its hard to find a girl friend to to love and be friends with and be happy ?

im not good looking -disabe -can't see or hear to good to drive or work . beleave me you would not want to be in my shoes .seem the ladys i meet only what one thing money and sex and good looking man . i don't drink or smoke or take bad drugs .

i dont even think dr.phil ever talk about people like me who have a hard time finding the right one .

in some ways i think he puts us down .sure there are man who are lazy and etc .but im not them .

what i see in a person is what they are on the in side .and not what they look like on

the out side . same that the way lfe is here . but i keep going .becouse i know sooner or later there some one out there for me

.

Your message is a bit.. well contradicting. On one hand you say you know that special person is out there for you and sooner or later you'll find them. But on the other hand you point out all of your 'weaknesses' and try to let people feel sorry for you and agree that indeed it is very hard for you to find that special person.

Your whole message, except that last sentence is very negative. You portray the people you meet as supervisual "only want money, sex, goodlooking man", you feel your life just sucks "you don't want to be in my shoes" and on top of that you talk badly about the way you look "not good looking / disabled". Do you honestly think with that attitude your special person will just fall madly in love with you just by the sight of you?

No, and you know why? Not because of your looks, but because of your vision on life. You have such a negative look on life that you are driving people away. People will not want to come close to a person that is thinking they are not worth one second of their time. Because that is what your message is portraying. A lot of selfpity.

Look at your GOOD qualities and accept the lesser qualities. No person is perfect. Everyone has their own flaws. And just because you are disabled or not so goodlooking, doesn't make it any harder for you to find a good mate, than a person who isn't disabled and 'better' goodlooking.

LOOKS aren't that important anyway. Yes, it is the first thing you see, when meeting someone. But honestly, do you judge someone by their cover? Do you run away from someone who doesn't look like a Claudia Schiffer, or a Tom Cruise? I would say not.

Make yourself be important and goodlooking and a good party TO YOU.

Because the person you have portrayed to be in your message, will not be able to keep a special person in their life, simply because they themselves don't think they're too special.

 

Petra

 
July 24, 2005, 2:38 pm CDT

Petra

Your message isabit.. well contradicting. On one hand you say you know that special person is out there for you and sooner or later you'll find them. But on the other hand you point out all of your 'weaknesses' and try to let people feel sorry for you and agree that indeed it is very hard for you to find that special person.

Your whole message, except that last sentence is very negative. You portray the people you meet as supervisual "only want money, sex, goodlooking man", you feel your life just sucks "you don't want to be in my shoes" and on top of that you talk badly about the way you look "not good looking / disabled". Do you honestly think with that attitude your special person will just fall madly in love with you just by the sight of you?

No, and you know why? Not because of your looks, but because of your vision on life. You have such a negative look on life that you are driving people away. People will not want to come close to a person that is thinking they are not worth one second of their time. Because that is what your message is portraying. A lot of selfpity.

Look at your GOOD qualities and accept the lesser qualities. No person is perfect. Everyone has their own flaws. And just because you are disabled or not so goodlooking, doesn't make it any harder for you to find a good mate, than a person who isn't disabled and 'better' goodlooking.

LOOKS aren't that important anyway. Yes, it is the first thing you see, when meeting someone. But honestly, do you judge someone by their cover? Do you run away from someone who doesn't look like a Claudia Schiffer, or a Tom Cruise? I would say not.

Make yourself be important and goodlooking and a good party TO YOU.

Because the person you have portrayed to be in your message, will not be able to keep a special person in their life, simply because they themselves don't think they're too special.

Petra

Petra

  First off  do you wear my shoes ?

do you how what my ups and downs are in life ?

 so how can you judge a person unless you deep in there shoe and walk the road they walk .

 let people feel sorry for you and agree  YOUR NUNTS IF YOUR THINKING THAT

NOPE IM NOT perfect AND No person is perfect ether but sound like you are .finding that special person

.well only GOD konw what is what not you .

special nope  im not  sorry . if this is dr.phil  then he bnetter put on my shoe befor he judge me .as for driving /money .around here if you dont have wheels you dont get around .

as for my  weaknesses well li had met some very nice lady here lots of times but like i said if you dont have wheels around here you are in a bind .

 i would love to tell you all more about me but well you already judge me so what can i say .i feel sorry for a person like you who can say stuff and not find out what a person is about .

 as for why i like a person for what they are on the in side and not what they are on the out side .is there heart /mind and what they beleave in

but you say stuff and not thinking what is this person like well i dont know what to tell you .

 

 
July 24, 2005, 6:07 pm CDT

Difficulty Forming Friendships

Dear Towers,

I've just read your message and Petra's reply and I would have to agree with her sentiments. Everything she said was spot on and I don't believe she was attacking you in anyway. I'm sorry to say that your letter seems to be quite negative. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they write and the things they say.

Look, life is all about choices is'nt it? We get to where we are in life by the decisions we make and the way we choose to live. What you've been doing so far (in regards to women) has'nt been working so maybe you need to choose a different approach to meeting women. There is always another way, other choices to be made. Don't give up. If you want to be loved you have to love yourself first.

Love and cherish yourself and don't settle for less than what you deserve.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

 
July 25, 2005, 5:37 am CDT

morning

Dear Towers,

I've just read your message and Petra's reply and I would have to agree with her sentiments. Everything she said was spot on and I don't believe she was attacking you in anyway. I'm sorry to say that your letter seems to be quite negative. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they write and the things they say.

Look, life is all about choices is'nt it? We get to where we are in life by the decisions we make and the way we choose to live. What you've been doing so far (in regards to women) has'nt been working so maybe you need to choose a different approach to meeting women. There is always another way, other choices to be made. Don't give up. If you want to be loved you have to love yourself first.

Love and cherish yourself and don't settle for less than what you deserve.

Take care of yourself.

true on that .

sorry my writing is well not that good so i try to put it as best as i can .but like i said unless your in my shoes

you first have to understand the person  now i do understand what your saying ok.but seem your all are unclear of what im talkng about . tho i would like to go in to detail more about me but not here i can in a email  ok.then maybe you can tell me if im nunts or not .

life is all about choices is'nt it

Take care of yourself.

 
July 27, 2005, 7:57 am CDT

Dr Phil says...

Quote From: towers2002

true on that .

sorry my writing is well not that good so i try to put it as best as i can .but like i said unless your in my shoes

you first have to understand the person now i do understand what your saying ok.but seem yourall are unclear of what im talkng about . tho i would like to go in to detail more about me but not here i can in a email ok.then maybe you can tell me if im nunts or not .

life is all about choices is'nt it

Take care of yourself.

You can't give away what you don't have. You seem to have alot of self pity and criticism. And yes, I know that I'm not in your shoes and can't understand what you've been through and what you're going through now. This is all true. But I do know this, if all you have is self condemnation, that is what you're "giving away" to others. Your opinion of yourself surrounds you like an aura, and others pick up on it. If you don't want pity and aversion, you need to radiate something else. I suggest picking up a copy of SELF MATTERS and giving it a try. Life is unfair, it can be cruel and demeaning if we let it. There's not a life now, or ever, that's been problem free. What distinguishes us is how we handle our problems. I apologise if you find this offensive, but I really wish you the best.
 
July 29, 2005, 2:26 pm CDT

Needing a Social Life!

My Husband and I moved into our home almost 2 years ago.  We left all of our friends and family.  Our closest friend or relative is over 2 hours away.  Both of us had an active social life both as a couple and individually prior to the move.  With the exception of each set of parents we have not had a single soul over our house for the length of our current residence. (2 years in OCT) This is not my choice!!

 

 

 

When opportunity arrases, which I am constantly searching for, I bring it up to him...he immediately has an excuse!  "We don't need to bother our neighbors" "we have a 2 yr old, we can't take him" "next week, next month..." 

 

 

 

I am going crazy!  I feel trapped and that he is trying to control me.  I have been very open to meet people at work, however it is a very small company and I do not work with anyone within 10 years of my age! It is a daily struggle getting my husband out of the house, with or without other people.  Even when his family is there he wants to leave!  Other times he wants us to stay in our bedroom and watch TV!! I like movies and all but, I can't do as much as he would like!

 

 

 

I have excused myself trying to find ways for us to meet people.  I have may wants a desires, for example becoming members of a church, inviting the neighbors over, joining a gym ECT... Without these needs I am unhappy.  I have expressed this to my husband on many many occasions.  But, he still wants me sheltered.  Will find any excuse to prevent me from making plans or following through with my needs.  What do I do?  I am really looking for physiological reasons for his behavior.  Please help!

 

 

Questions:

 

Obviously he wants control, how do I get him to compromise?  Give in, give up that control?

 

What reasons would he have to keep me so isolated?

 

How can I get my needs met and still have peace in the home?

 

When expressing my need to have hobbies outside the family, why is he so against it??

 

 

 
July 29, 2005, 4:35 pm CDT

Difficulty Forming Friendships

Quote From: tahoe1109

My Husband and I moved into our home almost 2 years ago.  We left all of our friends and family.  Our closest friend or relative is over 2 hours away.  Both of us had an active social life both as a couple and individually prior to the move.  With the exception of each set of parents we have not had a single soul over our house for the length of our current residence. (2 years in OCT) This is not my choice!!

 

 

 

When opportunity arrases, which I am constantly searching for, I bring it up to him...he immediately has an excuse!  "We don't need to bother our neighbors" "we have a 2 yr old, we can't take him" "next week, next month..." 

 

 

 

I am going crazy!  I feel trapped and that he is trying to control me.  I have been very open to meet people at work, however it is a very small company and I do not work with anyone within 10 years of my age! It is a daily struggle getting my husband out of the house, with or without other people.  Even when his family is there he wants to leave!  Other times he wants us to stay in our bedroom and watch TV!! I like movies and all but, I can't do as much as he would like!

 

 

 

I have excused myself trying to find ways for us to meet people.  I have may wants a desires, for example becoming members of a church, inviting the neighbors over, joining a gym ECT... Without these needs I am unhappy.  I have expressed this to my husband on many many occasions.  But, he still wants me sheltered.  Will find any excuse to prevent me from making plans or following through with my needs.  What do I do?  I am really looking for physiological reasons for his behavior.  Please help!

 

 

Questions:

 

Obviously he wants control, how do I get him to compromise?  Give in, give up that control?

 

What reasons would he have to keep me so isolated?

 

How can I get my needs met and still have peace in the home?

 

When expressing my need to have hobbies outside the family, why is he so against it??

 

 

I have been in a similar situation to a certain point, my husband never has tried to control me but getting him to go do things has been a problem and that is hard to deal with, I agree with Dr. Phil that we teach people how to treat us and as long as you allow your husbnad this hold on you, he will continue to do this, I think you just need to step out and do something, take your son and go. if you want to go to church, then find a church that you are interested in, get up on Sunday morning, get your son and yourself ready and go. Get to know people and don't wait on him to give you permission. You can't change him but you can change your self. When you get to know some one and you want to invite some one over then do it, get the evening ready and tell your husband that company is coming over and go with it. If he wants to cop up an attitude then that is his problem, not yours, it may be a little embarrassing or upsetting but you need to stick up for your self. get your self to the local "Y" or even the library and take your son to story time and all, Never too early to introduce your children to the library, Go to the park and enjoy a day out with your son and go to the play ground with him, there may also be a MOM'S group around some where, where you can go and meet other moms, Check out the MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)program. www.mops.com, it is a christian based group that usually meets in churches once or twice a month, there is a slight fee but is usually free the first couple visists or so so you can get a feel for the program. kids have a teacher who play and work on a basic curriculum with them. These are a few ways that you can get out and start meeting people and get to know them, Make sure you do take time with your husband, make sure you have nights with him and doing what he wants and all, include him as much as possible and if he rejects your offers then don't worry about him, some times it is hard for people to get out there and meet others and you may be the one to have to get the ball rolling here.
 
July 30, 2005, 8:51 am CDT

tahoe1109,

Quote From: tahoe1109

My Husband and I moved into our home almost 2 years ago.  We left all of our friends and family.  Our closest friend or relative is over 2 hours away.  Both of us had an active social life both as a couple and individually prior to the move.  With the exception of each set of parents we have not had a single soul over our house for the length of our current residence. (2 years in OCT) This is not my choice!!

 

 

 

When opportunity arrases, which I am constantly searching for, I bring it up to him...he immediately has an excuse!  "We don't need to bother our neighbors" "we have a 2 yr old, we can't take him" "next week, next month..." 

 

 

 

I am going crazy!  I feel trapped and that he is trying to control me.  I have been very open to meet people at work, however it is a very small company and I do not work with anyone within 10 years of my age! It is a daily struggle getting my husband out of the house, with or without other people.  Even when his family is there he wants to leave!  Other times he wants us to stay in our bedroom and watch TV!! I like movies and all but, I can't do as much as he would like!

 

 

 

I have excused myself trying to find ways for us to meet people.  I have may wants a desires, for example becoming members of a church, inviting the neighbors over, joining a gym ECT... Without these needs I am unhappy.  I have expressed this to my husband on many many occasions.  But, he still wants me sheltered.  Will find any excuse to prevent me from making plans or following through with my needs.  What do I do?  I am really looking for physiological reasons for his behavior.  Please help!

 

 

Questions:

 

Obviously he wants control, how do I get him to compromise?  Give in, give up that control?

 

What reasons would he have to keep me so isolated?

 

How can I get my needs met and still have peace in the home?

 

When expressing my need to have hobbies outside the family, why is he so against it??

 

 

 I agree with jettav's advice. I would have a talk with your husband first though, starting out like "I love you but we are different types of people. I need..." This way you clarify yourself and there are no misconceptions on his part as to your desires. I might also add something like, "I would really love you to join me, if you want." Try to find things that he would get a kick out of too, that you might not care to do, but will go along to make him happy, like sports events or drag racing, etc. Marriage and child raising are the 2 toughest jobs you will ever have and it's definitely an ongoing process.
 
August 7, 2005, 6:20 pm CDT

My boring dull so called life

Dear DrPhil im 16 my and my my name is mat i have no life no firends. Let me tell you why... well at my last school i was bullied alot and like half the school new me and didint want a thing to do with me it was horrible and painfull. now that iv moved and live in a new house my life has cganged and im not bullied at my new school has much much has i was at my last school. but it still happens and its ussualy the dope addcitcs and stoners who bullie me wich makes up 60 percent of the school. at my new school one guy decided to litterale throw a chair at me in class while the techer went in a another room for a sec. All i do all day is sit in the house waching tv or playing on the computer. i dont have any firends becuase iv never relly had any iv had firends but thos frendships didint last that long. i never relly had firends so i dont know how to make firends that well. i dont know wat im going to if i stay in this house anylonger ill will go sico. when people ask me if i have firends which has happend. i dont know what to tell them ecept  that i have firends when i relly dont DrPhile i could use your help relly bad. i hope you read this message 

 
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