Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

Hang in there.  Good friendships take time.  Also not everyone you meet is going to be potential friend material.  However despite this, the most important thing is to get out there and mingle. 

Join a club or take a class... smile at people and say hello, be interested in what they have to say.  Ask questions but not in a way that people think you are nosey.  When things are going well conversation wise, be patient.  Don't rush the friendship, let the other person take time to warm up to you.

Friendships will happen -- I know... I used to be friendless but not any more.

Cricket

Hi Robin,

I certainly feel the same way you do.  I have had difficulty making and keeping friends all of my life, and the ones I had thought of as friends have all stabbed me in the back too.  Also, it seems the harder I try or  the "just try to be myself" routine never works.  I know that when I get invited to a party or out with a potential new friend, there will not be any follow ups--has always been this way--regardless of what I do or don't do.  Even as a child, there was something about me that kids just didn't like.  You mentioned that your maid of honor made passes at your husband--my "supposed" good friend from college couldn't stop hitting on my fiance once she met him.  Years later when I married someone else, my maid of honor (A supposed friend from high school) quit talking to me after the event! still to this day I have no idea why?

So, you're not alone!!  Ever wonder what those people are doing differently that seem to attract friends like lint to velcro?

Always a friend

Malissa

I moved into my new home on an army base at the end of Dec, 2006. At first my neighbor seemed really sweet. She came over and brought us cookies. Then the next thing I know she is asking me to baby sit. I did a few times. Then one day she was late picking up her daughter and made me late for an appointment. The next time she brought the baby over at 5:30 am, and I was like ok I will watch her this one time.

Then the bad events kept coming up. She started telling me how broke she was. Then she admitted to buying pain pills because the Army had ended her prescription and she was in pain.

Her husband is enlisted also so they make more money than us. She orders stuff and then wont pay her bills. She says she has to spend money to make money. Before I knew the whole story I offered to help her out with groceries. When she gave me the list it included 8$ bologna and potroast. Not a good choice for a starving family right? I didnt buy it . I referred her to Army Emergency Relief. military one source, the food pantry and she refused to get help. I offered to budget with her and she didnt want that!

When her internet was disconnect I allowed her to use mine a few times. That few times turned into an hour every day and then she knocked on the door one morning at 7 am.

One time my son came down with a fever and when I asked if her daughter had been ill the first time she said no. The second time she said yes but "oh it was only one day" as a result my son ran a fever higher than 104.00 and ended up with strepthroat. He has a complicated health history so I make a real effort to not expose him to illnesses and let others understand that also.

Lately I have been hiding from my neighbor. I want to end our friendship. Ive stopped answering my door when she knocks.

I want to end this and now! I dont know how because 1. she is unstable. 2. she is a liar. She got another neighbor kicked out of family housing and im afraid shell retaliate. Any ideas?

i would love to make friends but very hard, cuz im shy i have anxiety and i guess im just ugly i dont know but i always get nmade fun of.

i just wish i had one close friend in my life, all my other friends i feel that they dont even like me. some treat me like crap :( *cwys*

I had a very good friend in school. She moved. Eventually we lost contact. I have not had a close friend like her ever since. My ex moved us around a lot. At one point my shy daughter findly found a friend she cared deeply for and he moved us away again.

I now feel as though I'll never have someone I can really talk to.

We recently moved, and the situation is this.  Of four houses on our small street.  Three (the husbands) work together.  The other two wives have known one another a little more than five years.  I'm the newbie.  We do things together, but, recently I ask Kelly to go somewhere.  She immediately said, I will call Tracy???  I did not mention Tracy.  And once at a dinner party Kelly mentioned something that Tracy said about me.  It was non-stop denial for Tracy.  I didn't say that, I didn't say that.  Which to me means she did.  It gets further tangled that Tracy's daughter and mine do not see eye to eye.  Her daughter is older and calls my child names she has never even heard.  I do not say anthing because of the guys relationship.  I just had my child moved to another seat on the bus. 

Despite all this.  I would still like to be in the loop.  I really like Kelly and feel we could be friends.  Yet she is determined to drag Tracy along.  What to do??

Basically I am a strong person.  Have a good relationship with my husband.  I would just like friends to go shopping with or out to lunch etc.   I miss my friends and sisters back home. 

So, what do you think.  I am totally open for advice. 

Chris

As the other poster said- please don’t call yourself ugly. You should not demean yourself in that way. You don’t deserve it. My advice to you is to think about activities/hobbies that you enjoy doing, and do some investigating around your area to see if there is anyplace where you could volunteer that would involve those hobbies/activities that you enjoy. For example, when I moved to a new area, I was depressed, had no family/friends, but I love to read. My local library needed volunteers to put returned books back on the shelves; I volunteered two hours a week- a very small amount of time, but to the people working there, it was a huge help, and they were all so kind to me, always showering me with praise and appreciation- it was such a boost for my self esteem! The ladies that worked at the library were all older than me, but they were so positive and kind, I feel that their attitudes rubbed off onto me; it made me want to do even better, to be more friendly and open like they were. Even after I found employment, and I couldn’t volunteer much any longer, I still went to visit my friends at the library. I also met other people who were ‘regulars’ at the library. My advice to you is to have a smile on your face and always have a positive comment on the tip of your tongue. It isn’t easy to turn over this new leaf, but it can be done- I know, because I did it! I was raised in a very negative household with two alcoholic parents; volunteering was not modeled for me, but it was something that my therapist suggested I try. I highly urge you to do the same, it could really help you get out of your shell. Are you interested in animals? Your local animal shelter could use volunteers to walk dogs, to play with the dogs and cats in order to socialize them, etc. Do you like children? Your area grade school always needs volunteers to help cut out shapes for the pre-kindergarteners, etc. The key is to volunteer doing something that you already enjoy. I wish you the best- be good to yourself, start by being your own best friend- what comes around goes around.

Thanks to having been a test patient as a child for major spinal fusion, breast cancer resulting in a bilateral mascetomy and lymphoedemia and weight gain I closely resemble "road kill" but am blessed with five very close friends around the world and two within an hour's drive.  Having grown up moving all the time (I went to 12 schools in 12 years) I learned young the difference between friends, associates, and the general masses.  Staying close to/with friends means being willing to drop everything and help out, putting aside time each week for a phone call or letter, and to be there to just listen and not judge.  

It is great to have friends who are of different religions/political leanings/ethnic backgrounds as it adds that much more to the wonder of friendships that have lasted from over 51 years (we were both military children in the 1950's and last lived close to each other in 1958) to just over 30 years (she lived in the apartment above my one).

The most difficult part of making friends is forgetting "them/me" and thinking "us/we" and then working on it.   Yes, you do have to work on it but friends are worth it.