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Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:42 am
Author : dataimport
Do you have difficulty making or finding friends? Meet others like you and share your story.

 
treena1922
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February 6, 2008, 8:18 pm PST

Lonley...

WELL....THERE IS MUCH TO SAY. I CURRENTLY JUST GOT OUT OF THE ARMY  A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, AND SINCE THEN THE ONLY PEOPLE I SEEM TO TALK TO IS MY HUSBAND AND AT TIMES ITS LIKE TALKING TO A WALL WITH HIM. MY FATHER TOO WAS IN THE ARMY SO I HAVE MOVED AROUND MY WHOLE LIFE, BUT I SEEM TO HAVE THE HUGEST PROBLEM WITH TRUSTING PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY SEEING HOW PEOPLE ARE THROUGH SOME OF MY EXPERIENCES. I'M AWARE THAT NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME BUT ITS HARD TO TELL MY MIND THAT; ITS HARD TO TRUST. I'M VERY WEARY OF WHO I WANT AS FRIENDS, AND I THINK THAT IS WHAT IS HURTING ME. SINCE BEING THAT WAY I THINK I HAVE BECOME UNSOCIABLE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANYMORE....SOUNDS DUMB I KNOW, BUT ITS SOOO TRUE. I'M YOUNG, I'M ONLY 22 SO IT SEEMS WEIRD TO ME THAT IVE GOT NO FRIENDS, HONESTLY ONCE I GOT MARRIED I LOST ALOT OF MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT PRIORITY TO ME AND THE MALE FRIENDS I HAD I KNEW MY HUSBAND WOULDN'T BE COMFORTABLE WITH ME HANGING OUT WITH... I WANT TO HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND TO HANG OUT WITH, SHOP WITH, AND TALK TO BUT I FIND IT SO HARD TO FIND AND ITS REALLY FRUSTRATING BECAUSE MY HUSBAND ISN'T REALLY THE TYPE TO GO SHOPPING AND TALK GIRL TALK (HAHA, HE IS A MAN). SO THERE IS A SENSE OF LONELINESS IN ME AND I'M WANTING IT TO GO AWAY. I AM CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED TOO SO THAT LEAVES SO MUCH TIME FOR ME TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW TO HELP THIS SITUATION, I CANT JUST GO UP TO SOMEONE AND ASK IF THEY WANT TO BE MY FRIEND....HAHA......   ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT
 
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normalita
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February 7, 2008, 8:51 am PST

What you give out comes back

  What I want to know is:  I have heard this saying, that what ever you give out, you will get back 10 fold.  Iam still waiting.  Is there a time line on this?

 

I'm the type of person that likes to help if I can.  I have had to watch out and not become a door mat for people.  I am even a volunteer fireman/EMT.   But when it comes to people I consider my "friends"  I just can't do anything right.  I am very good at remembering birthdays and special events and I always try to tell my frieinds good luck, have a great time, or good for you.  When it comes to my turn to have a birthday or do something fun, I am all alone.  I go everywhere by myself.  No one calls to have lunch with me, no one stops by my office to see me.  Now, I understand people are busy, I am busy as well.  I also understand, that maybe I am just too much, so I have backed off.  It still doesn't matter.  I am even having trouble with my own Mother.  She is 80 years old and recently had to have a pace maker put in.   So I don't mind being there for her,  But she is so self centered, that all she wants from me is to take care of her when she is in town to go to the doctor.  She doesn't care about how busy I am at work.  She doesn't care that I may have other plans for my day.  She wants my attention, and right now.  Then when she is done, she goes home, no thank you or anything.  I am left feeling drained.

 

So, how do you get something back when you do nice things for others?  I don't do things, expecting any return, but I get nothing ever and it's noticable.
 
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elendil2
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February 8, 2008, 7:14 am PST

Shy & lonely

I am 19 years old and I have a really hard time making friends. It all started a couple years ago when my best and only friend started to say and do things that hurt my feelings. For a while I didn't say anything because I thought I was just imagining things or I was being too judgemental. But the hurtful things she said and did became worse and more frequent. Finally I told her that she was hurting my feelings. She said something like, "Oh sorry, I didn't realize I was hurting your feelings". But she didn't stop hurting me. I was in my junoir year of high school and I was homeschooled all my life at that point. Later on that year I got an email from a girl that was in my homeschool group and also in her junoir year of high school. She wanted to become friends with all of the teens she was going to graduate with. I thought it was a good idea and decided to become friends with her. In hopes that she would be a nicer friend than my best friend. So she came over to my house a couple of times and we hung out.

I invited my new friend to youth group at church one night and made the mistake of introducing my new friend to my best friend. Before the night was over the two girls had become best friends and was hanging out with eachother all the time and I was... alone. I tried to follow them around but they just ignored me and acted like I wasn't even there. From that moment on my friendship with my best friend and my new friend went downhill from there and now I have no friends. Now I've been out of high school for almost a year and I've been going to the college group at church for about nine months and I've made a few acquaintances but, I haven't made a single friend. The reason for that is because I've been shy since birth and because of my past experience I don't trust anyone anymore. I really want to have close friends, even if its just one really close friend. But its really hard for me because I get so scared to talk to the girls at the college group at my church. Please help me.
 
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elendil2
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February 17, 2008, 3:09 pm PST

I know what you mean

Quote From: normalita

  What I want to know is:  I have heard this saying, that what ever you give out, you will get back 10 fold.  Iam still waiting.  Is there a time line on this?

 

I'm the type of person that likes to help if I can.  I have had to watch out and not become a door mat for people.  I am even a volunteer fireman/EMT.   But when it comes to people I consider my "friends"  I just can't do anything right.  I am very good at remembering birthdays and special events and I always try to tell my frieinds good luck, have a great time, or good for you.  When it comes to my turn to have a birthday or do something fun, I am all alone.  I go everywhere by myself.  No one calls to have lunch with me, no one stops by my office to see me.  Now, I understand people are busy, I am busy as well.  I also understand, that maybe I am just too much, so I have backed off.  It still doesn't matter.  I am even having trouble with my own Mother.  She is 80 years old and recently had to have a pace maker put in.   So I don't mind being there for her,  But she is so self centered, that all she wants from me is to take care of her when she is in town to go to the doctor.  She doesn't care about how busy I am at work.  She doesn't care that I may have other plans for my day.  She wants my attention, and right now.  Then when she is done, she goes home, no thank you or anything.  I am left feeling drained.

 

So, how do you get something back when you do nice things for others?  I don't do things, expecting any return, but I get nothing ever and it's noticable.

I understand how you feel about this. I am the same way, years of being there for people and always giving, giving, giving. But I never got anything in return. My so called friends never called me or replied to any of my messages. I feel drained too. So, I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to that question. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Well, in case you find out the answer to this question before I do let me know.
 
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cuhayley
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February 18, 2008, 12:16 pm PST

In a new city

I just recently moved to a new city, about 1200 miles from my home, family and friends. I finished my MA degree and moved to where I was offered a truly wonderful job. I've simply had trouble meeting new people and making solid friends. I'm a 26 year old woman, so I'm too old for the college crowd (thank goodness), but I'm not married and have no children yet. The team of people with whom I work with are all married and have children of their own. I live in a large city of nearly 2 million people, so one would think that friends would be abundant!

 

I was wondering if anyone knows of any good suggestions or places to meet some friends (both guys and girls). Thank you and God bless.
 
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elendil2
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February 23, 2008, 4:03 am PST

This might help

Quote From: cuhayley

I just recently moved to a new city, about 1200 miles from my home, family and friends. I finished my MA degree and moved to where I was offered a truly wonderful job. I've simply had trouble meeting new people and making solid friends. I'm a 26 year old woman, so I'm too old for the college crowd (thank goodness), but I'm not married and have no children yet. The team of people with whom I work with are all married and have children of their own. I live in a large city of nearly 2 million people, so one would think that friends would be abundant!

 

I was wondering if anyone knows of any good suggestions or places to meet some friends (both guys and girls). Thank you and God bless.

I had been in the same situation about 9 years ago. The best place I can think of to make amazing friends is at church. Find yourself a church that you feel comfortable at. It takes a while to find a church that would be good for you so don't just settle for the first place you go to, visit a good number of churches and decide which one you like the best. As for any other places to find friends, I don't know, someone else would have to give you more ideas.

 
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hello_beauty
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February 23, 2008, 3:14 pm PST

lonely

hey all. i have a very hard time keeping friends. im trying to look within myself to see what im doing to cause this to happen. i notice a lot of times people get angry with me because the way i feel about certain things and when i dont agree with everything. i have even been told i am too honest and that i have the aura that i act as if i am better than people and i think im perfect. the people i care about i try to encourage. what can i do to keep friendships and not have people think i am trying to be better than they are? i know i am not perfect and there are things in life that i want and some i dont. is that bad to express what i want out of life? i dont understand help!!!!!
 
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elendil2
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February 23, 2008, 3:56 pm PST

I'm not sure

Quote From: hello_beauty

hey all. i have a very hard time keeping friends. im trying to look within myself to see what im doing to cause this to happen. i notice a lot of times people get angry with me because the way i feel about certain things and when i dont agree with everything. i have even been told i am too honest and that i have the aura that i act as if i am better than people and i think im perfect. the people i care about i try to encourage. what can i do to keep friendships and not have people think i am trying to be better than they are? i know i am not perfect and there are things in life that i want and some i dont. is that bad to express what i want out of life? i dont understand help!!!!!
I can't really answer this question too well because I don't have enough information. But from what I can tell you from personal experience with people who appear that they think they are better than other people is their tone of voice when they talk to people. Another thing is some people can be very arrogant without really meaning to be. The posture is something else that might make a person look like they think their better than everyone else. Try to pay attention to these things about yourself that might put up a warning light for you. I tend to avoid people who have the posture of a person who thinks their people than other people. I'm sure people other than myself avoid those kinds of people too, so people who look that way may be missing out on really great friendships because potential friends avoid them. I wish I could help you more, it might help if you ask your friends what specifically makes you appear that way. Ask them if its your tone of voice, arrogance, or your posture that makes you look like you think your better than them. I hope this helps. God Bless.
 
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sakura_chan
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February 27, 2008, 4:21 am PST

Difficulty Forming Friendships

Quote From: elendil2

I am 19 years old and I have a really hard time making friends. It all started a couple years ago when my best and only friend started to say and do things that hurt my feelings. For a while I didn't say anything because I thought I was just imagining things or I was being too judgemental. But the hurtful things she said and did became worse and more frequent. Finally I told her that she was hurting my feelings. She said something like, "Oh sorry, I didn't realize I was hurting your feelings". But she didn't stop hurting me. I was in my junoir year of high school and I was homeschooled all my life at that point. Later on that year I got an email from a girl that was in my homeschool group and also in her junoir year of high school. She wanted to become friends with all of the teens she was going to graduate with. I thought it was a good idea and decided to become friends with her. In hopes that she would be a nicer friend than my best friend. So she came over to my house a couple of times and we hung out.

I invited my new friend to youth group at church one night and made the mistake of introducing my new friend to my best friend. Before the night was over the two girls had become best friends and was hanging out with eachother all the time and I was... alone. I tried to follow them around but they just ignored me and acted like I wasn't even there. From that moment on my friendship with my best friend and my new friend went downhill from there and now I have no friends. Now I've been out of high school for almost a year and I've been going to the college group at church for about nine months and I've made a few acquaintances but, I haven't made a single friend. The reason for that is because I've been shy since birth and because of my past experience I don't trust anyone anymore. I really want to have close friends, even if its just one really close friend. But its really hard for me because I get so scared to talk to the girls at the college group at my church. Please help me.
Okay I get where your comming from cause Ive had the same experiance aswell.  Now Im going to give you the same speach my friend from school gave me when we talked about the same subject before we were even friends. You have to jump out there and act over confident then what you would normaly be.Dont just stop at one person then see if they become a friend. Leap out at every person you think would be a good friend to you. If possible and if you dont have a hobby take up one that your interested in and meet people there. Who knows who you may find from there. I met my friend in school and the teacher sat us next to eachother. When our break started we both simultaniously whipped out the exact same book that we were reading at the moment. Since then we found out that we alot of things in common. So beat that shyness down into the gutter and leap out into the world. I hope this helps and goodluck I know you can do it!
 
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elendil2
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February 27, 2008, 7:05 pm PST

I'll give it a try

Quote From: sakura_chan

Okay I get where your comming from cause Ive had the same experiance aswell.  Now Im going to give you the same speach my friend from school gave me when we talked about the same subject before we were even friends. You have to jump out there and act over confident then what you would normaly be.Dont just stop at one person then see if they become a friend. Leap out at every person you think would be a good friend to you. If possible and if you dont have a hobby take up one that your interested in and meet people there. Who knows who you may find from there. I met my friend in school and the teacher sat us next to eachother. When our break started we both simultaniously whipped out the exact same book that we were reading at the moment. Since then we found out that we alot of things in common. So beat that shyness down into the gutter and leap out into the world. I hope this helps and goodluck I know you can do it!
Thank you for the advice. I've searched all over the internet for ways to overcome shyness and I've asked some people on different forums on different web sites and they kind of split two different ways. One half says to get help and talk to a psychologist about it, the other half says to just get out there and talk to people as if I was never shy. I think both are very good advice, it just depends on the person, which one works better for them. To be honest, I haven't tried either one of these because they both scared me and I wanted to avoid getting scared. Well, avoiding my fear isn't going to help me overcome it, and its certainly not going to help me find friends either so I'd have to face my fear either way. I'll try your advice and see how it works for me. I'm not really sure how to act like an outgoing person, but I'll watch closely how other people do it and maybe I can do the same thing.
 
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