Topic : Difficulty Forming Friendships

Good morning!  I related to your story because long ago I was very shy too. I found over the years that it was easiest to make friends with people that had common interests. I don't know what you like to do, but try to join groups with the same interests, be it skiiing, art, travelling, cooking, whatever.   This way you have an automatic conversation starter about that common interest. 

I can't say I agree with those who told you to pretend you are not shy and talk to people as if you were never shy.  If you are prtending something it just puts more pressure on you.  Instead, when you meet new people try to focus on them.  Ask them about themselves, offer a compliment (sincere one of course).  As they are talking to you add a liitle to the conversation about yourself.  Don't try to rush friendships.  Not everyone is going to be worthy of being your friend, and the development of a friendship is a gradual thing.  You need to build up a trust with a person that is to be your friend.  I think you wrote in an earlier post about someone who was saying hurtful things to you.  This is not the kind of person you want as a friend.  Unfortunately even long standing friendships can go sour.  Someone becomes envious of you and starts trying to put you down to make themselves look better.  This has happened to me recently and I am many years older than you...so be aware that it can happen at all stages of life.  Still, you don't want to back off from making friendships on the possibility that you might get hurt.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained...you have to try and give your trust slowly (that is very important) to another person. Get to know them before confiding really personal stuff., and do this gradually.    You will be able to tell if someone is a friend by the way they treat you.  Do they care about you and your feelings or are they in it only for what they can get for themselves.  Don't stick with a friendship that is a one way street.  It should be give and take on BOTH sides!!  Good luck and let me know if I can be of more help.

Thank you for your advice, your probably right that its not a good idea to pretend that I'm not shy. I've never tried it before, but when I think about it, it probably wouldn't have worked. It would be hard to act outgoing when I feel really scared inside. I've also been told that my facial expressions are very easy to read and people can tell when I'm shy or scared. That would have made it impossble for me to act like I'm outgoing.

Again, thank you for the advice. I will focus on the other person more next time. And I will look for people who has 1 or 2 of the same interests I have. It is really hard for me to trust people when I have been mistreated by my best friend in the past. So taking things slowly is something I prefer to do. For a long time I wouldn't talk to anybody because I was so afraid of being rejected. But over the past two weeks I made 2 new friends. The first week I hung out with one of the girls, the next week I hung out with the next one. I'm taking it very slow with them, so I still feel nervous around them. But I will make sure I will focus on them and be interested in them.

I was happy to be of help and wish you luck with your new friendships.  It is always better to be yourself than to try to act like someone else.  You are right to take things slow and build up trust gradually.  Please make sure that these friends are giving back to you as well'; friendship should be a two-way street with give and take on both sides of it.  Try not to let that girl from the past sour you on new friendships. She sounds like a bad apple to me, but there are alot of good ones out there.

 

BTW, your picture is interesting..where was it taken?  It is kind of hard to tell because it is small.  Just curious!!!!

 

Have a good day and good luck to you!  J.B.

To answer your question about the picture, it was taken in Jerusalem. If you look closely, you can see the Dome of the Rock in the upper left corner. I went on a tour to Israel about two years ago and I took that picture about five days into the trip. We were somewhere in the old city of Jerusalem. Its hard to tell where you are in the old city because all the streets look the same. I loved Israel and I hope to go back to visit this summer.

Thanks for the answer about the picture.  Now that I knoe the location, yes I can see the Dome of the Rock! 

 

I am glad that you had a great trip.  I love to travel too.  It's good you have the opportunity now to do that, so enjoy it!  I couldn't do much of travelling  when my kids were younger, but we have had the opportunity to go overseas a few times in recent years.  I was in London in the fall, and I am hoping to get back to Italy next year!!

 

And back to the topic of friendship.... what better way to meet some friends than while doing something you really enjoy....have a great time!

Hello,

The reason I believe I have difficulty forming friendships is because I have a really hard time trusting people. In my past it seems I have only been able to form friendships with people who seek to hurt me in some way. I find that a lot of other women seem to see me as competition, or vice versa.

 

I also feel that because I'm only 22, and I had a child at the age of 20, that I don't look for the same qualities in friends that most 22 year olds would look for. If I try to make friends with people around my age group, it seems that their interests differ greatly from mine. For example, they would rather go out drinking with their college buddies than hang out with my son and I. On the other side, if I try to form friendships with other moms or people older than me, I feel as though they look down upon me. I feel like I'm being judged because I'm younger and haven't had as much experience as them.

 

I'm not sure if I'm just not looking in the right place for frienships, but whatever I have been doing in the past hasn't worked. Suggestions and advice are welcome.

You are going to find that as you get older age diference is going to matter less and less in friendships.  Remember how, as a high school sohpomre, the seniors seemed to be so much older and so much more mature?  Well once you reach adulthood, things start to level out.  I, as a middle-aged person, have friends of all ages..ranging from 20's to 70's!!!!!  Where did I meet them?  Various places such as work, nieghborhood etc.

 

At 22 you are just entering your adulthood years.  Because you have a child, you are interested in different things than someone your age who is in college would be.  You might be more comfortable and feel that you have more in common with other Moms.  I am assuming that your child is two right now.  Do you have "Mommy and Me" groups near you?  Belonging to any kind of group with a similar interest (be it having young children or some kind of hobby) is a good place to look for friends.  As your child enters preschool, you will naturally meet other Moms (with kids the same age..great thing to have in common!) You can get together and have coffee while the kids play together.  That will benefit the kids too as they start having play-dates with Mom nearby in the beginning.  Take the kids to the park together or out to lunch as the friendships start to blossom.

 

Going back to the age difference issue, I really don't see that once you hit your twenties that there is a big difference between a 22 and a 26 year old.  Especially if you have kids the same age.  In our coffe/play-date get-togethers when my kids were younger, there were women from their 20's to their 40's   And what we had in common was children close in age.  These days some women have kids at 20 and some wait until 40.  No one cared in our group if someone was 12 years older or 12 years younger than them.

 

For more advice about friendships please read my post called "I was shy too...". It deals with trusting people.  I had written it to another poster on here but some of it may apply to you too.  It should be a few posts above this one.

 

Good luck to you!!!

I'm feeling lonely again because my two new friends have been so busy that I haven't heard or seen much of them at all. I know I should give them space and be patient, but its hard not to feel rejected. I haven't had a friend in a long time and I'm tired of being patient. I only got to hang out with my new friends twice and I haven't seen or heard very much of either one of them for three weeks. I'm so lonely! What should I do?

I can relate to how you feel, I have felt very lonely at various times in my life.  As I've gotten older I've concentrated on doing things that interest me and are meaningful to me (like volunteer work, etc.) vs. concentrating on making friends.  What I've found is that friendships happen more naturally when I'm doing something that excites me or is important to me.  Does this make sense?  I have many friendships right now that have stemmed from activities where we have a shared set of values or interests.  For example:  If you love art, you could start going to art shows, take art classes, volunteer a couple of hours a week at a small gallery or museum, etc.  (I have a friend who is really into her dogs.  She's formed friendships by going to the same dog park every day.)  The point is to find something you love to do and do it.  Friendships will probably follow. I hope this makes sense and helps.     

Hi again, I just looked back and saw that Julie gave you similar advice regarding meeting people through interests.  Didn't mean to be repetitive.  I truly do think it helps to be passionate about something and to do activites around that passion.  I know it's hard to be patient but good friends will eventually come your way.

 

Hope you're having a good weekend.