Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

To preserve your marriage you (Rachel) Should end your affair with this woman. Both of you have made commitments elsewhere and you are deluding yourself to think that this affair will help you.

I have a best friend who is 13 years older than me  We are together a lot since I am sigle although she is married.  I hang out a lot with her and her husband  I think of her as an older sister  3 years ago her husband mad a pass at me and he was VERY drunk.  Nothing happened but I did tell her because I did not want to be dishonest.  She says that I should have reacted differntly and made it a point to let hgim know it was not right to do that.  I was SO shocked at the time I just walked away from him  I eventually did send him an email and told him it was inappropriate whether he was drunk or not.  Now everytime me and her get into an argument or her husband is exceptionally late from work she makes inuendos about us being together  I cant take it anymore!!!!  She does not trust me and I did nothing wrong!!

It seems like this issue is not resolved for your friend. When you told her about this incident, you said in your post that she said that YOU should have reacted differently... what did she mean- how did she think you should have reacted? In my opinion, walking away from him was the best thing that you could have done.  

My advice is that if you value this friendship, then you've got to urge your friend to resolve this issue with her husband, its not about you at all! Next time she makes the innuendo or whatever, don't ignore it, you've got to gather up your strength and hold her accountable for what she is implying towards you- come right out and tell her that you are offended that she would think so little of you to accuse you of doing something with her husband. These are her own insecurities that she is reflecting onto you, and its not fair that she is doing that to you. You have no accountability- he was the one who made the pass. 

I actually did get up the strength to tell her it was not my fault and explain that she is insecure with him not me.  Of course it turned into an argument and the next day she called to aplogize.  AGAIN I accepted but she did it again this week and I  wasjust really mad that we ended up in a huge argument and she lashed out about our friendship in general and how I am too needy etc.  She has emailed me to say she should not have done that but I called and she has not answered.  Do you think I should just give her her space for awhile  I t is hard because I do miss talking to her and I thought we would be friends for ever  At times I feel like a failure in the whole situation

I read your story and I think your friend is blaming the messenger!  It is easier than facing something she doesn't want to face.  I would give her some space.  Maybe when she cools down she will contact you.

 

  

  

  

  

  

Greetings:  After a Five year Battle of a Person whom is Blessed to be the Father of my Child, I am cutting the Ties of my Babies Father. 

 

Like all relationships it started out reasonable and well. 

 

Soon after the baby came (who is now 3) the cyclone of pitiful acts by this Man have gradually have gotten worse, to worser to way bad. 

 

In the last 7 months, this man has managed to take the Stage and forefront of the House Hold be making his reality so excessively Important.  Both by manipulation & emotional tangents that I have only ever seen in Females.  He has taken the time and energy out of all three of us that I consider Stolen Time. 

 

For instance, my son is in Home Schooling & was to receive an award for an Outstanding Project he did - it made me Proud.  So during the days that preceded my son's award ceremony, the Man (Call him RR), RR started complaining of headaches, leg fatique, etc. etc.  I told him to call his regular doctor, of course he lied but said he did.  Then RR turned to me and said, "The doctor said to stay home in bed."  So for the next two days RR laid in the living room with remote in hand and begged for this and that.  Most of the time we didn't comply.  Now the day of the Ceremony, RR asks me if I am going to send my son with some else and stay home with him!?!?  NO!!  he goes into a full rage of yellling -  that I don't love him, I never do this or that etc.  I looked him in his face and said "Okay, sorry you are feeling so bad but I wouldn't miss this for the world!"  Later, that day while me and the kids are getting all dressed up . . . I go out to my car to load our stuff.  Guess who is feeling better and now working on the car - that I have a mechanic for?!?!?!  Yep RR.  I look right at him as he is in a calm voice saying well the car will be down until tomorrow?!?!?  I walk into the house call a local Limo Company and me and the kids had the Best Time! 

 

This is one of Many. psycho experiences I have had in the last 6 months.  The latest and last was RR went into my Purse stole my ATM card and took money out of my Account!!!  I kicked him out! 

 

RR no longer in my home, nor is allowed to come over here.  If he wants to see the kids we go somewhere public. 

 

he is not violent or threatfull.  He is a passive want to be manipulator!   Who ends up Manipulating himself to the degree where he is confused by all his lies. 

 

RR has spent the last 3 years totally unprogramming himself from any positive.  I almost see it as he is Reverting back to the Motherless Child he once was. 

 

The down side is my kids suffer from the neglect because he is stuck in his Manipulative State.  He is now roaming the streets, friends couches and blames ME!  Note that finacially everything has always been SEPARATE FOR THESE REASONS! 

 

A man who was making over $60,000 is now counting on disability for a previous injury at work & the good graces of God. 

 

He has constantly lied through the whole relationship, as I found out when he left.  He has the capabilities to steal from his own kids,  and he is stuck in the TOXIC POOR ME SYDROME! 

 

I am posting it heEr for anyone in a relationship that your Gut Instincts are telling you one thing, and your heart strings for a common human are keeping you in a Vile Relationship to walk away!  Remember you can love a ex-mate, ex-friend from way over here in a Safer more healthier way! 

 

What I haven't said yet is, RR's behavior was testing not only my will but my faith!  RR is so miserable of who he is, he was trying to push that feeling(emotion) on me and my kids.  HOPELESSNESS comes in many faces!  Pretending everything is all right is the worst cure, it spreads like a plague. 

 

Oh yeah - the important factor's --> RR refuses counseling, refuses any groups, refuses any medication and refuses to better himself.  Like I say it he is Safe is his Misery!  It is WHAT he TRULY KNOWS! 

 

Moved on & in a healthy Place --->  Ohana Love Cutting Ties with Babies Father is okay if it gets your mind Healthy. 

CONGRATULATIONS!!! 

Doesn't it feel so good to be out from under that black cloud that was always hanging over RR's head? I know it does. 

You bring up very good points- you can love and care for an ex-mate or ex-friend from a far away and safe place. However, it is up to that person to love themself, something that you could never get him to do. His own low self esteem drives him to try to manipulate and control the people around him.  

I'm so glad for you that you made the right, healthy decision. I know that it might have been a hard one to make, but, the right decisions are always the hard ones to make. You are doing the best thing by yourself and by your children by not having this man around as a toxic role model for them any longer. I wish you all the best!! 

I am having this problem with one of my guy "friends".  You see, for over 6 months he said he "loved" me, so I started to have those feelings for him too, but then he told me that I was too late and that he doesn't see himself with me and that he was dating this girl who he really liked, and that we can still be friends.  Now, here's the confusing part for me, he then goes and asks my best friend out on a date!  And he said, "I just said that to say something to Andrea" to my best friend.  So, he wants to be my "friend" but to me, "friends" don't do that to eachother, at least not in my books.... so what I would like to know is, what's the deal with him?  

  

I'd really appreciate the feedback...... 

So I have ceased to be friends or contact said toxic friend (who accused me of cyberstalking and harassing her-- and of basically being a horrible person who is indecent) for about 2 years now. Every now and then when I think about this friendship or what I thought was friendship I get very down on myself and wonder what I could have done to make it all work out differently. All my friends and family know about this situation, but I tell them all that I am doing fine and that I really have moved on from the hurt that this saga inflicted upon me. I don't know what it is about the way things ended or the methods that this former-friend "Chanel" used to end the relationship that stil bother me. Its like I will be going great and enjoying my life, but that is the one friendship/relationship that seems to have been a failure. Now I understand that if she had wanted to talk to me and act maturely then the end of the friendship would not have hurt quite as bad and perhaps it would have been easier for me to get past it. However, she simply hurled accusations and insults in her ONE email to me of cease and desist. The text of the mail has been basically the same. Here are some examples of the  mail that I continue to recieve even though I have NOT contacted her in over 2 years. I was just wondering if anyone else was having problems dealing with "relapse" or constant reoccurances of guilt or regret concerning relationships that they know are the better for ending, but none the less keep coming up to torment you? This still bothers me and I would like for it to stop at some point. I don't want to be friends with this person at all, and yet there is a part of me that would love to have some sort of conversation and/or resolution as opposed to the cold, dead silence and the hurt feelings that seem to pop up every time I think about her. Any resolution would have been better than the silent and cruel treatment. In addition to spreading lies she continues to have police departments survey me and keep tabs on me and continues to threaten me with imprisonment. I have these inclinations to just be rude and set her straight, but I know that it will all just get me in trouble and will probably be used against me at some point. What is it about this whole situation that makes it so hard to get over? I have never experience anything like it and I really hope that, by the grace of god, I can get over it and not have these relapses every couple of months.
 

Entrie #1:
 

Do not contact my site again. 24-hour videotape surveillance and perimeter security in numerous guises await your breaking a protective order filed against you. Orders are not to hesitate to summon all available local officials, hired and specially appointed authorities and take ANY AND ALL action as required to halt your stalking and threatening behaviors; immediately for your arrest as your likeness has been captured in all the manners necessary to have you incarcerated immediately. You think you can play with fire, only we are loaded with defenses and will not stop short of any means to stop you in your tracks. Why would you try to wage war with an adult woman's site? Why would you waste your beautiful time in Paris writing such ugly emails and making up so many people? All the ip's came back exactly the same, your firewall did not work. What is it about you that simply will not leave us alone? What did we ever do to you? Why can't you simply observe a polite cue to leave us alone? We want nothing to do with you whatsoever. We turn over every email and document from you to all the entities who are monitoring and safeguarding this situation. You are going to end up getting yourself in very serious legal and personal trouble and for what reason? Get a life and move on. Leave us alone! Stop threatening that you know where we live as we too also know where you live. Mobile units, perimeter surveillance, motion detection, on-site monitoring, back-up monitoring, inside security and recording cameras which capture visual, auditory and all movement even in zero light. You will go straight to jail. Move on, get a life. Please Allie, leave us alone. Please, I am asking you nicely, please, just move on and leave us alone. We have never responded to all your ugliness and you have launched the most vicious assault on anyone's character possible and that is only because you are so filled with rage, jealousy and hostility that it overtakes your every living moment. In jail, you will have every minute of every day to think about hating someone who has never done one single thing to you except to ask you to leave her alone. She no longer resides in this city, anyway. Why do you persist in trying to contact her? She does not wish you any ill will or any harm. She does not wish to be friends with you, plain and simple. What in your personality entitles you to bully someone to the point of getting yourself in so much trouble? So please, rather than get yourself into any further trouble at UT, please just leave us alone. Please stop. Can I say it much plainer? Just find someone else, like your old roommate that you can continue your pattern of abusiveness. STOP! I beg you to stop this nonsense in sending all the death threats and emails which are simply ugly and extremely hateful. Don't you care that you are drawing so much negative attention to yourself? Can you just be a nice person in the world, with a song in her heart? What is wrong with you that you just cannot stop all the copycat and juvenile behavior? Why do you pretend to be Amber? Her mother and I are very close friends and I speak to Amber all the time. Her family is very much aware of all the hurtful and vicious things you have done and written to Danielle. Stop trying to pretend that Amber has any part in your assault on my daughter. If you contact this site one more time, I will be coming directly to your residence and will bring all the latest printed materials you have sent. Stop sending links to your blogs or sites. We don't care one iota about what you do with your life, only that you get a life and try to be happy. That's all we wish for you, is genuine happiness. Please, please leave us alone.

PLEASE BE ADVISED OF THE FOLLOWING: NOTIFICATION TO CEASE AND DESIST

This is Mr. & Mrs. M. and we want you to know many people became aware of your toxic, deceitful and destructive efforts to undermine our daughter numerous times, settings, events and situations while she was in high school and post-graduation. You are not a friend to her, you never have been. We are all fully cognizant of the missteps you took in bullying her and slandering her name. You have been afforded a polite cue (which you forcefully ignored) in understanding that emails that go unanswered and phone calls that are not returned mean no further correspondence is desired. If you commit one more act of indecency with the intended , in any manner whatsoever, WE will make sure those situations as well are documented and processed to the fullest extent of whatever applicable laws and remedies as may be available and warranted. The second article that you wrote and proposed for publication in the Continental Flair reflected content that was hateful, judgmental, discriminatory and demonstrated such a false sense of entitlement on your behalf that it was found to be inappropriate for publication. The first article required extensive editing and retooling to remove the inappropriate material not suitable for publication. The questions you consistently asked, required and inquired of our daughter, trying to shame her into submissive answering, on a number of personal and sensitive issues and subjects were extremely inappropriate, absolutely none of your business and lacked decorum and sensibility on every level. Campus services in counseling are widely available to you and may prove beneficial in your ability to relate in a healthy, supportive, mature and DECENT manner. It is absolutely alarming to many of us, that you have continued the bullying and harrassment in the form of emails and phone calls. This student was merely acting on the instructions of advocating professionals that she ( as an additional measure of self-protection) not respond to the continuous onslaught of your negativity and hatefulness. You denied her a graceful exit and then chose to assault and question her loyalty as a friend. It takes a friend to be a friend; therefore blame no one but yourself for this outcome! Our homes, properties, communication forms & selves are surveilled 24 hours a day and monitorings are recorded for documentation purposes. THEREFORE, BE ADVISED THIS IS YOUR NOTIFICATION TO CEASE AND DESIST. Observe campus policy and protocol for usage and abide by and honor in full the previous and prior request to remove this address from your mailing system. Further warnings will be mailed USPS registered mail, to all entities as required in observance of preservation of legal remedy. Any further contact whatsoever will result in the report and mandate to/of proper officials.

  

 

So I caved and had to contact my former, toxic friend. I feel horrible for giving in to temptation, but since she never logs on to her myspace I think I have done myself a favor and gotten rid of some of these negative and destructive thoughts that have been plaguing me. I got to have the "discussion" with her that she never afforded me. I can't decide if I am angry or what over the way she treated me, but every now and then I lapse into these weird depressive swings about the way this all ended. Like I said, this never happened to me before or since and I just don't understand why this affects me so badly. It is so crazy and sometimes I worry for my sanity if I obsess over this situation too much or what. It is all very convoluted, and since I am all hyper with caffeine I just think in circles and I have to make time stop and consider the irrational fits of thinking that this whole situation gets me into. Is this normal or do ya'll think that I have a problem? Should I look into going to see a shrink about this? I think my friends and my boyfriend are tired of hearing about this and I am pretty sure that they think that since this girl was so horrible to me, (both during and after the relationship ended) as I have come to realize, that she is a Witch and that it should be easy to get on without her. It isn't that I want her friendship, I just want resolution so badly that it really messes with me. So I had to message her on Myspace just to get it out. It is the first break with the "no contact" rule that I have ever had. What is wrong with me? Have I totally messed myself over? I just don't understand why I insist on curling up with the hurt that this situation has caused me over the last two years.  

 

Every time I have to alter something in order to avoid being found by Chanel and her mother really irks me and the situation never seems to go away. In order to reapply for housing here at college I have to go in myself because of the privacy restriction that I had to put on  my info here so that Chanel and her mother don't try to find out where I live on campus and stalk me. They want me in jail and they tell everyone that I am sick and indecent. Sometimes I start to wonder if they are right and whether or not they are thriving on driving me to insanity. Every now and then I have to freak out and purge all the thoughts that go round and round in my head concerning this whole situation. yeah I may be setting myself up for some serious hurt or legal consequences with this post, but I just can't take keeping it all in my head anymore. I should just print this and burn it, but that would be as satisfying as having it all out there in the open once and for all. For anyone and everyone who knows, has been friends with or had the misfortune to run aground of Chanel Morris-- please be aware that this situation was critical and no one needs to have it done to them. To Stormy-- be careful-- I know you probably believe everything that she tells you about me, but you don't know what its like on the other side. I hope that she doesn't treat you the way that she treated me and that you can avoid the horrible ramifications of what it is like to be on the losing end of someone like her. She treats people like toys and like they don't matter. She did it to me and I let her do it. I was so naive and trusting and attached that I allowed myself to believe that she was really someone geniune and real. Well that was all a sham and I am paying the price for it after all the ways that she tried to ruin me and now she doesn't care at all. She is going on with her life without one thought about what she does to anyone. No regrets or emotions that might extend past herself and what she deems necessary in order to get whatever she wants from whoever she wants. It was all a lie and a horribly concealed and deceitful lie that to realize that I walked into it really annoys the heck out of me. I really dislike the person I have become as a result of having ever run into these people as slick, and manipulative as Chanel and her mother. Call it maladjustment, call it obsession-- but these people thrive on hurting people, using them and then leaving them to rot. It is so sad and sometimes it just irritates me how much I let it hurt. Why can't I just be sociopathic and not possess the ability to feel like Chanel and her mother? It is just sad that I let it twist me into knots and that they go on with their lives like I never mattered and that any whisper of our friendship was a lie. Then they have the gall to blame it all on me and call me the sick and twisted person? It just makes me ill. It makes me want revenge and yet I don't because I believe in peace and good friendship. I don't need negative and life-sucking drama queens in my life. Then why do I keep running off to lick my wounds with this? It is so confusing and I could really use some help. Here is the letter I wrote and I hope that it doesn't sound too pathetic. I was sort of random stream of conscience, so I really hope that it doesn't sound too bad. Then again, if it does I don't really know what I can do about it.  

 

Sincerely,
Parisienne 

 

Chanel,  

To let you know I found out about your MySpace through Amber's profile. I am not here to harass you. I wanted to say that however you believe that I have wronged you I am truly sorry. I suppose that we will never get to have that discussion about what happened. It is unclear as to whether or not you will ever log on here. It is never wise to burn bridges or close doors. You never know when you might need the doors to be open again or help across a difficult river. Regardless, I stand by all of my statements that I truly don't know what happened and why all of this ugliness had to pass I am not sure. It truly is hurtful and senseless. My only concern about this situation is that at some point in the future if you could ever find it in your heart to open up dialogue and we could at least find a medium about this whole damn thing. Some call you and your mother crazy.

I mean, I had two Deans of students on both sides of the atlantic ocean basically tell me good riddance to bad rubbish, you know? Still, if anyone asks if I pity you I say no. I can't pity someone who obviously has a hard time trusting people. I can simply pray for you and perhaps in time you will come to think on this whole situation. Three police depts and two school systems always asked me if I felt threatened or if I wanted to press charges etc. Well I have to tell you that I did not and I do not. By all accounts it was you and your mother who saw fit to harass me. There are still people who think that this whole situation was some crazy thing to keep me involved in ya'll's life. Whether or not that is true I don't know. Answers to all of these suppositions and explanations to try to explain the sudden and very forceful end to our (what I thought was) friendship are only to be had through you. I am not saying this to blame you, but I am merely listing the facts. Why you and your mother came to the conclusion that I was Toxic and horrible I will never know. In all truth you never really took the time to get to know me to know much about what it means to be my friend in the first place. I am not angry. The main question to this whole stupid thing is WHY? I could live with not being friends with you. Afterall, it would make no sense for me to want to be your friend after the stunts you have pulled and the horrible things you have said about me. What I would like is rational conversation. One does not have to be friends with someone to simply converse. I digress however...

This message will probably never reach you. I am going to send it to Amber with a humble request that she please either email it on to you or call you or do something so that this message can be delievered. After that it is up to her. I don't want to harm anyone and I am not threatening to do so. I simply would like a mature dialogue.

One could argue that perhaps I am obsessive about this whole thing and why can't I just let it go? Part of the answer to that question is that this situation keeps popping up. I have to have privacy holds on my information here at school so that I don't have to worry about you or your mother finding out where I live. It comes up every time I have to deal with UT in an official capacity because it forces me to go down in person versus the ease of doing all of the paperwork online.

It is quite logical to conclude that I would gladly forget this whole thing if I didn't worry that the two of you are going to pop up randomly again like you did in Paris and get me called into The Dean's office for sins I did not commit.

This whole "Alyssa's stalking me" thing began as a presposterous lie and ended as a farse. No one could believe what was happening to me and I have talked to a good many former teachers from Madison and other people that knew you and had encounters with your mother. I don't want to insult either of you, but I will say that the result of such interviews and opinions was less that flattering.

It would be logical to conclude that I am more hurt than anything that something so simple as my initial email to show you around UT could be misconstrued as anything indecent, improper or otherwise wrong. Its not that I "refuse to accept that you want no contact" its that I simply don't understand the abruptness, the coldness, and to be quite frank the lack of tact. There was no "polite cue" as your cease and desist email implied. There was a "take this off your email list" which is anything but polite and can be easily misunderstood as a junkmail folder accidentally sorting my previous email into another folder. I honestly didn't mean to offend you with my second email but I was upset and to be frank I am still perplexed as to why this whole convoluted freak-show had to get started.

So here I am. Messaging you on myspace because I am pretty sure you will never read it. If anything you will close your account and vanish into thin air. All the better. I just thought that I would try to sift through this mess. I am an optimists and I have had my close-knit group of friends for almost 15 years. We grew up together and I learned the true meaning of friendship. I attempted to share my friendship with you, Chanel, and while I am not much-- I am still someone with feelings.

You are not an unfeeling person. I think that no one has ever really shown you what true friendship is about. Except for maybe Amber, and the details about the closeness of ya'll's friendship is between you, has ever really forgiven you for hurting them and let them back into their lives. I am not saying that I would jump into a friendship with you ever again, but I wouldn't be opposed to any sort of apology that might come my way at any point.

again, I can't imagine how I ever could have wronged you. I was never given specifics or detailed accts of my trespasses against you. All I got were vague accusations and blanket insults. It would help me to move on if you simply were to make contact and talk with me honestly about how I hurt you or what happened to make you believe that I am such a horrible person that you felt the need to cut me out of your life forever.

I have never had a friendship or relationship end so badly. I don't talk about it to many people that often. Only to those I trust and who understand my position. I am emploring you to see this from my perspective and put yourself into my shoes for just a moment.

Please consider this note. That's all I ask.