Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships
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February 12, 2006, 9:09 pm PST
 I guess I feel like I'm trapped with two certain "friends" that I have. The one is behind most of the toxicity. She seems to be very good at making you feel like your the best friend in the world. lavishes you with attention, building you up, etc. But behind it all, she's so mean and unkind. I know this because I've been dealing with her for 7 years. It started out normal enough. We met at work and it was like we were instant buddies. She was a fun friend to hang out with. We had the same interests an really seemed to get along. She eventually left that job but we were still great friends. Or so I thought. I started to realize that I had to do things with this person. Like if she called, I had to drop everything and go do whatever she wanted to do. Or it was always a crisis that she needed me to talk to and be there for her. I felt like I was a 24/7 friend. It was me constantly making her feel so good about herself, but she never reciprocated. Or if I had some sort of a success, she'd get very snarky and rude about it and make me feel horrible about it. And she was quick to always point out other friends who she cut out of her life because they had"let her down' in some way. Then when I started to feel like she was taking over my life, I would say no to things she ask. She would get moody and upset and give me the silent treatment for days and make me feel like I was a horrible friend to her. When she would decide to talk to me again, it'd be to tell me how she was "busy" and had been hanging out with someone else and how much fun they had, etc. I'd feel even worse because it was like I was being replaced. As stupid as it sounds, this just kept happening. Because eventually it was like she forgot about me "letting her down" and she'd be SO nice to me again. But then the same situations would happen. And I'd feel so terrible about myself all over again that I'd agree to do things wanted even though I didn't want to. I felt like I was losing a great friend if I didn't. We did have a falling out for few months when I confronted her about something. But even then I still felt so horrible about myself and that if only she'd be my friend again, things would change and be better. We eventually met up again and ever so slowly the cycle started again. Things were great for a few months but as soon as I said no to an event or had to reschedule something, she was instantly annoyed. I felt like I had to prove to her that I was a better friend to her than before, so I did what I could to please her. It was like '"lather, rinse, repeat" with the friendship. I thought things had changed but there I was, feeling horrible about myself again. We had a mutual interest where we met as a group a few times a month and I struck up a friendship with another girl who lived near me. We'd carpool to events and started to do things out side of the group. I noticed after a few months that the original friend was very interested in my new friendship. She wanted to hang out with us, would suggest fun events to go to, coordinate movie nights, etc. Soon I felt like I was being squeezed out this new friendship. They were doing things when I couldn't, or planning things that they didn't tell me about. It wasa combination of anger and jealously for me. I could see this second friend falling under the spell I was under, but I was so hurt that I was being left out. The original friend was showering her with compliments, and her attention--just like she had done when we first met . And soon, it was like I was the third wheel in the friendship. When I asked her about it, the second friend got very defensive so I never mentioned it again. I knew I should press the issue, but I didn't. I thought I could somehow change her mind and see how this girl really was. Again, I ended up feeling horrible about myself. Like I let both of them down because I wasn't a good enough friend. Soon this second friend was acting much like the first friend. Snarky and biting comments to me, giving me the silent treatment if I had to reschedule on an event, even for illness or family issues. I saw her dropping everything to do whatever this girl wanted. Acting very much like I had behaved when I was still under the original girl's spell. And it still continues today. I can't figure out why, if they act like they don't like me very much most of the time, I'm still hanging on for the times they treat me like I'm a great friend. I'm a successful person with my job and have a great family and have other wonderful friends who don't treat me this way. But I keep holding out for when these two will suddenly see the light and act like a "normal" friend to me. When I vent to my other friends about what these women do and I get looks of horror or "they said/did WHAT?" or "that girl is a sociopath" comments. They tell me that it's like an abusive relationship of sorts. And that I am validating their behavior by never saying or doing anything to stop the way they treat me. But I don't know what to do to stop it. I cant understand what it is that keeps me emotionally attached. I've said more than once that I feel like they don't like me very much and set me up to let them down. So why do they keep me around and include me in things? To feel better about themselves in some way? I've also said that they need someone to deflect their own issues onto. I can see when the original friend does or says things to the second friend to hurt her. And she takes it just like I do. It's like they can't talk about each other so they have to talk about me to feel better. It's so hard because when things are good, they are good and we seem to get along great. But in the back of my mind I wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Are they mocking me or being mean? It's so stressful. but how do you stop the madness and walk away? thanks for listening...it's good to know I'm not alone in this situation. |
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February 13, 2006, 9:32 am PST
Quote From: lolagrl I guess I feel like I'm trapped with two certain "friends" that I have. The one is behind most of the toxicity. She seems to be very good at making you feel like your the best friend in the world. lavishes you with attention, building you up, etc. But behind it all, she's so mean and unkind. I know this because I've been dealing with her for 7 years. It started out normal enough. We met at work and it was like we were instant buddies. She was a fun friend to hang out with. We had the same interests an really seemed to get along. She eventually left that job but we were still great friends. Or so I thought. I started to realize that I had to do things with this person. Like if she called, I had to drop everything and go do whatever she wanted to do. Or it was always a crisis that she needed me to talk to and be there for her. I felt like I was a 24/7 friend. It was me constantly making her feel so good about herself, but she never reciprocated. Or if I had some sort of a success, she'd get very snarky and rude about it and make me feel horrible about it. And she was quick to always point out other friends who she cut out of her life because they had"let her down' in some way. Then when I started to feel like she was taking over my life, I would say no to things she ask. She would get moody and upset and give me the silent treatment for days and make me feel like I was a horrible friend to her. When she would decide to talk to me again, it'd be to tell me how she was "busy" and had been hanging out with someone else and how much fun they had, etc. I'd feel even worse because it was like I was being replaced. As stupid as it sounds, this just kept happening. Because eventually it was like she forgot about me "letting her down" and she'd be SO nice to me again. But then the same situations would happen. And I'd feel so terrible about myself all over again that I'd agree to do things wanted even though I didn't want to. I felt like I was losing a great friend if I didn't. We did have a falling out for few months when I confronted her about something. But even then I still felt so horrible about myself and that if only she'd be my friend again, things would change and be better. We eventually met up again and ever so slowly the cycle started again. Things were great for a few months but as soon as I said no to an event or had to reschedule something, she was instantly annoyed. I felt like I had to prove to her that I was a better friend to her than before, so I did what I could to please her. It was like '"lather, rinse, repeat" with the friendship. I thought things had changed but there I was, feeling horrible about myself again. We had a mutual interest where we met as a group a few times a month and I struck up a friendship with another girl who lived near me. We'd carpool to events and started to do things out side of the group. I noticed after a few months that the original friend was very interested in my new friendship. She wanted to hang out with us, would suggest fun events to go to, coordinate movie nights, etc. Soon I felt like I was being squeezed out this new friendship. They were doing things when I couldn't, or planning things that they didn't tell me about. It wasa combination of anger and jealously for me. I could see this second friend falling under the spell I was under, but I was so hurt that I was being left out. The original friend was showering her with compliments, and her attention--just like she had done when we first met . And soon, it was like I was the third wheel in the friendship. When I asked her about it, the second friend got very defensive so I never mentioned it again. I knew I should press the issue, but I didn't. I thought I could somehow change her mind and see how this girl really was. Again, I ended up feeling horrible about myself. Like I let both of them down because I wasn't a good enough friend. Soon this second friend was acting much like the first friend. Snarky and biting comments to me, giving me the silent treatment if I had to reschedule on an event, even for illness or family issues. I saw her dropping everything to do whatever this girl wanted. Acting very much like I had behaved when I was still under the original girl's spell. And it still continues today. I can't figure out why, if they act like they don't like me very much most of the time, I'm still hanging on for the times they treat me like I'm a great friend. I'm a successful person with my job and have a great family and have other wonderful friends who don't treat me this way. But I keep holding out for when these two will suddenly see the light and act like a "normal" friend to me. When I vent to my other friends about what these women do and I get looks of horror or "they said/did WHAT?" or "that girl is a sociopath" comments. They tell me that it's like an abusive relationship of sorts. And that I am validating their behavior by never saying or doing anything to stop the way they treat me. But I don't know what to do to stop it. I cant understand what it is that keeps me emotionally attached. I've said more than once that I feel like they don't like me very much and set me up to let them down. So why do they keep me around and include me in things? To feel better about themselves in some way? I've also said that they need someone to deflect their own issues onto. I can see when the original friend does or says things to the second friend to hurt her. And she takes it just like I do. It's like they can't talk about each other so they have to talk about me to feel better. It's so hard because when things are good, they are good and we seem to get along great. But in the back of my mind I wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Are they mocking me or being mean? It's so stressful. but how do you stop the madness and walk away? thanks for listening...it's good to know I'm not alone in this situation. How do you stop the madness-- you just stop returning phone calls, stop all contact, and you dissapear into the moonlight! These women are petty, jealous and insecure, and they love to make you feel the way that they do about themselves. And you are a successful person, who is just handing over your personal power to them on a silver platter-- stop doing this to yourself!! You wonder why you keep going back for more? Its because somewhere inside of yourself, you feel as though you deserve to be treated this way. I don't even know you, but I know that you deserve to be happy, to have real friends who treat you with kindness and respect, and to get back out of a friendship what you put into it. These two women also deserve to have happiness, but they are caught up in their dysfunctional relationship that is dragging them down. That is their problem- not yours. I urge you to save yourself!! There are toxic friendships, and these are two of them. |
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February 13, 2006, 9:38 am PST
Quote From: parisienne So I caved and had to contact my former, toxic friend. I feel horrible for giving in to temptation, but since she never logs on to her myspace I think I have done myself a favor and gotten rid of some of these negative and destructive thoughts that have been plaguing me. I got to have the "discussion" with her that she never afforded me. I can't decide if I am angry or what over the way she treated me, but every now and then I lapse into these weird depressive swings about the way this all ended. Like I said, this never happened to me before or since and I just don't understand why this affects me so badly. It is so crazy and sometimes I worry for my sanity if I obsess over this situation too much or what. It is all very convoluted, and since I am all hyper with caffeine I just think in circles and I have to make time stop and consider the irrational fits of thinking that this whole situation gets me into. Is this normal or do ya'll think that I have a problem? Should I look into going to see a shrink about this? I think my friends and my boyfriend are tired of hearing about this and I am pretty sure that they think that since this girl was so horrible to me, (both during and after the relationship ended) as I have come to realize, that she is a Witch and that it should be easy to get on without her. It isn't that I want her friendship, I just want resolution so badly that it really messes with me. So I had to message her on Myspace just to get it out. It is the first break with the "no contact" rule that I have ever had. What is wrong with me? Have I totally messed myself over? I just don't understand why I insist on curling up with the hurt that this situation has caused me over the last two years.
Every time I have to alter something in order to avoid being found by Chanel and her mother really irks me and the situation never seems to go away. In order to reapply for housing here at college I have to go in myself because of the privacy restriction that I had to put on my info here so that Chanel and her mother don't try to find out where I live on campus and stalk me. They want me in jail and they tell everyone that I am sick and indecent. Sometimes I start to wonder if they are right and whether or not they are thriving on driving me to insanity. Every now and then I have to freak out and purge all the thoughts that go round and round in my head concerning this whole situation. yeah I may be setting myself up for some serious hurt or legal consequences with this post, but I just can't take keeping it all in my head anymore. I should just print this and burn it, but that would be as satisfying as having it all out there in the open once and for all. For anyone and everyone who knows, has been friends with or had the misfortune to run aground of Chanel Morris-- please be aware that this situation was critical and no one needs to have it done to them. To Stormy-- be careful-- I know you probably believe everything that she tells you about me, but you don't know what its like on the other side. I hope that she doesn't treat you the way that she treated me and that you can avoid the horrible ramifications of what it is like to be on the losing end of someone like her. She treats people like toys and like they don't matter. She did it to me and I let her do it. I was so naive and trusting and attached that I allowed myself to believe that she was really someone geniune and real. Well that was all a sham and I am paying the price for it after all the ways that she tried to ruin me and now she doesn't care at all. She is going on with her life without one thought about what she does to anyone. No regrets or emotions that might extend past herself and what she deems necessary in order to get whatever she wants from whoever she wants. It was all a lie and a horribly concealed and deceitful lie that to realize that I walked into it really annoys the heck out of me. I really dislike the person I have become as a result of having ever run into these people as slick, and manipulative as Chanel and her mother. Call it maladjustment, call it obsession-- but these people thrive on hurting people, using them and then leaving them to rot. It is so sad and sometimes it just irritates me how much I let it hurt. Why can't I just be sociopathic and not possess the ability to feel like Chanel and her mother? It is just sad that I let it twist me into knots and that they go on with their lives like I never mattered and that any whisper of our friendship was a lie. Then they have the gall to blame it all on me and call me the sick and twisted person? It just makes me ill. It makes me want revenge and yet I don't because I believe in peace and good friendship. I don't need negative and life-sucking drama queens in my life. Then why do I keep running off to lick my wounds with this? It is so confusing and I could really use some help. Here is the letter I wrote and I hope that it doesn't sound too pathetic. I was sort of random stream of conscience, so I really hope that it doesn't sound too bad. Then again, if it does I don't really know what I can do about it.
Sincerely,
Chanel, To let you know I found out about your MySpace through Amber's profile. I am not here to harass you. I wanted to say that however you believe that I have wronged you I am truly sorry. I suppose that we will never get to have that discussion about what happened. It is unclear as to whether or not you will ever log on here. It is never wise to burn bridges or close doors. You never know when you might need the doors to be open again or help across a difficult river. Regardless, I stand by all of my statements that I truly don't know what happened and why all of this ugliness had to pass I am not sure. It truly is hurtful and senseless. My only concern about this situation is that at some point in the future if you could ever find it in your heart to open up dialogue and we could at least find a medium about this whole damn thing. Some call you and your mother crazy. You need to seek counceling to learn how to give yourself closure on this friendship. You are screwing yourself by contacting her, and you are giving her all the ammunition that she wants to try to keep destroying you, why are you going back for more? You don't deserve to do this to yourself!! You say that your friends and family are tired of hearing you vent about all of this, that is all the more reason to seek counceling for yourself. YOu need the unbiased opinion of a third party to tell you how to move forward with your life instead of being stuck in the past. I know that this has to hurt you very much, but you are hurting yourself by continueing to contact her and to think about all of this. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness! |
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February 13, 2006, 9:58 am PST
Quote From: lolagrl I guess I feel like I'm trapped with two certain "friends" that I have. The one is behind most of the toxicity. She seems to be very good at making you feel like your the best friend in the world. lavishes you with attention, building you up, etc. But behind it all, she's so mean and unkind. I know this because I've been dealing with her for 7 years. It started out normal enough. We met at work and it was like we were instant buddies. She was a fun friend to hang out with. We had the same interests an really seemed to get along. She eventually left that job but we were still great friends. Or so I thought. I started to realize that I had to do things with this person. Like if she called, I had to drop everything and go do whatever she wanted to do. Or it was always a crisis that she needed me to talk to and be there for her. I felt like I was a 24/7 friend. It was me constantly making her feel so good about herself, but she never reciprocated. Or if I had some sort of a success, she'd get very snarky and rude about it and make me feel horrible about it. And she was quick to always point out other friends who she cut out of her life because they had"let her down' in some way. Then when I started to feel like she was taking over my life, I would say no to things she ask. She would get moody and upset and give me the silent treatment for days and make me feel like I was a horrible friend to her. When she would decide to talk to me again, it'd be to tell me how she was "busy" and had been hanging out with someone else and how much fun they had, etc. I'd feel even worse because it was like I was being replaced. As stupid as it sounds, this just kept happening. Because eventually it was like she forgot about me "letting her down" and she'd be SO nice to me again. But then the same situations would happen. And I'd feel so terrible about myself all over again that I'd agree to do things wanted even though I didn't want to. I felt like I was losing a great friend if I didn't. We did have a falling out for few months when I confronted her about something. But even then I still felt so horrible about myself and that if only she'd be my friend again, things would change and be better. We eventually met up again and ever so slowly the cycle started again. Things were great for a few months but as soon as I said no to an event or had to reschedule something, she was instantly annoyed. I felt like I had to prove to her that I was a better friend to her than before, so I did what I could to please her. It was like '"lather, rinse, repeat" with the friendship. I thought things had changed but there I was, feeling horrible about myself again. We had a mutual interest where we met as a group a few times a month and I struck up a friendship with another girl who lived near me. We'd carpool to events and started to do things out side of the group. I noticed after a few months that the original friend was very interested in my new friendship. She wanted to hang out with us, would suggest fun events to go to, coordinate movie nights, etc. Soon I felt like I was being squeezed out this new friendship. They were doing things when I couldn't, or planning things that they didn't tell me about. It wasa combination of anger and jealously for me. I could see this second friend falling under the spell I was under, but I was so hurt that I was being left out. The original friend was showering her with compliments, and her attention--just like she had done when we first met . And soon, it was like I was the third wheel in the friendship. When I asked her about it, the second friend got very defensive so I never mentioned it again. I knew I should press the issue, but I didn't. I thought I could somehow change her mind and see how this girl really was. Again, I ended up feeling horrible about myself. Like I let both of them down because I wasn't a good enough friend. Soon this second friend was acting much like the first friend. Snarky and biting comments to me, giving me the silent treatment if I had to reschedule on an event, even for illness or family issues. I saw her dropping everything to do whatever this girl wanted. Acting very much like I had behaved when I was still under the original girl's spell. And it still continues today. I can't figure out why, if they act like they don't like me very much most of the time, I'm still hanging on for the times they treat me like I'm a great friend. I'm a successful person with my job and have a great family and have other wonderful friends who don't treat me this way. But I keep holding out for when these two will suddenly see the light and act like a "normal" friend to me. When I vent to my other friends about what these women do and I get looks of horror or "they said/did WHAT?" or "that girl is a sociopath" comments. They tell me that it's like an abusive relationship of sorts. And that I am validating their behavior by never saying or doing anything to stop the way they treat me. But I don't know what to do to stop it. I cant understand what it is that keeps me emotionally attached. I've said more than once that I feel like they don't like me very much and set me up to let them down. So why do they keep me around and include me in things? To feel better about themselves in some way? I've also said that they need someone to deflect their own issues onto. I can see when the original friend does or says things to the second friend to hurt her. And she takes it just like I do. It's like they can't talk about each other so they have to talk about me to feel better. It's so hard because when things are good, they are good and we seem to get along great. But in the back of my mind I wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Are they mocking me or being mean? It's so stressful. but how do you stop the madness and walk away? thanks for listening...it's good to know I'm not alone in this situation. These girls are really toxic!!! first of all, your original friend is a manipulative user. Re read what you wrote and notice that she disappears as soon as you say no to her constant requests for your attention. She punishes you whenever you say no. Real friends would not do this. it is a give and take relationship. She should be giving to you as well as receiving but it seems she is only taking. She sounds very controlling. That is why she tried to make you feel that you are the outsider when the three of you are together. Your original friend wants to be the Queen Bee. She will probably only befriend people that do things her way. Sounds like the new friend fits right into this category. You aren't going to change these people. Quite frankly, I would not want this kind of friendship and I would take off for the hills. Your friends who think she is a sociopath are on to somethingg. Please take what they say seriously. You don't need people in your life that erode away your self worth. Kick 'em to the curb.Julie |
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February 16, 2006, 4:36 am PST
Hi all,
I have a close friend of several years and I did have a break from her for about 6 months because she always has a new problem, major issue or new diagnosis on her state of phyical or mental health.
I'm not sure what I believe of the things she tells me.
Listed chronologically.
Manic Depression
Sleeping with half brother
Smoking marijuana
Using Valium
Father hung himself ( vietnam vet)
Father molestered her when she was young.
This is information given in the first six months.
Then it goes on more recently.
She just found out her father is alive but officially doesn't exist.
Her mother's second husband brutally raped and abused her over several years.
Her father has been in contact and has 'gotten rid' of the second husband...permanently.
Diagnosed with epilepsy. Just like that. Never had it before, not head trauma or anything else to explain why epilepsy would just suddenly occur.
Also new diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I have noticed that if she is at my house without her boyfriend she never has 'absenses' from epilepsy.
If her boyfriend is with her she will have about 3 of them.
Then there is her back problem.
Apparently when I took a break from her for about 6 months , her back was so bad that she was unable to get out of bed the entire time.
She has also had about 5 or 6 miscarriages, one was twins.
New diagnosis is for Panic Disorder and is now taking that medication.
Smoking marijuana still but only because it helps her back problem.
There is a whole lot more.
Also a lot more on a day to day basis.
I don't think she can go out of the house without something of a major issue occuring after which she comes to my house and is like a hurricane coming through the house with her raving about the incident.
I'm possibly being cynical, but I just don't see how so many things can happen to one person, but more so that they just don't add up to the truth.
I have been trying to wean her out of my life for the moment but she text messages my daughter (13.y.o.) if I don't answer her text messages, leaves numerous messages on my answering machine and doesn't seem to be getting the message that she needs to back off for the time being.
What do you do??
Thanks :) |
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February 17, 2006, 9:34 am PST
Quote From: nemesis65 Hi all, I have a close friend of several years and I did have a break from her for about 6 months because she always has a new problem, major issue or new diagnosis on her state of phyical or mental health. I'm not sure what I believe of the things she tells me. Listed chronologically. Manic Depression Sleeping with half brother Smoking marijuana Using Valium Father hung himself ( vietnam vet) Father molestered her when she was young. This is information given in the first six months. Then it goes on more recently. She just found out her father is alive but officially doesn't exist. Her mother's second husband brutally raped and abused her over several years. Her father has been in contact and has 'gotten rid' of the second husband...permanently. Diagnosed with epilepsy. Just like that. Never had it before, not head trauma or anything else to explain why epilepsy would just suddenly occur. Also new diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I have noticed that if she is at my house without her boyfriend she never has 'absenses' from epilepsy. If her boyfriend is with her she will have about 3 of them. Then there is her back problem. Apparently when I took a break from her for about 6 months , her back was so bad that she was unable to get out of bed the entire time. She has also had about 5 or 6 miscarriages, one was twins. New diagnosis is for Panic Disorder and is now taking that medication. Smoking marijuana still but only because it helps her back problem. There is a whole lot more. Also a lot more on a day to day basis. I don't think she can go out of the house without something of a major issue occuring after which she comes to my house and is like a hurricane coming through the house with her raving about the incident. I'm possibly being cynical, but I just don't see how so many things can happen to one person, but more so that they just don't add up to the truth. I have been trying to wean her out of my life for the moment but she text messages my daughter (13.y.o.) if I don't answer her text messages, leaves numerous messages on my answering machine and doesn't seem to be getting the message that she needs to back off for the time being. What do you do?? Thanks :) Your post actually made me chuckle, its so ridiculous that this "friend" needs so much attention. Come on, now.. this just doesn't make sense!! Her father hung himself, but he came back to life... yeah right! You already know she is an attention and time sucking type of person, now you need to figure out how to get rid of her. How did you do it before, for 6 months? I just need to tell you that you are not a bad person for needing and wanting to not be near her, she is draining your energy that you need for other parts of your life. No 'friend' should suck the life out of a person like this person it doing to you. She is really full of crap! I guess maybe the next time she brings up a new diagnosis, you could say, thats it!! Call her on it- tell her that you don't beleive her. She must be very manipulative to be able to convince her boyfriend that she is epileptic. You need to distance yourself from this toxic woman ASAP!! |
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February 20, 2006, 1:23 am PST
10 year friendship over I've been reading posts on this message board for months now and this is the first time I have ever written in. My 10 year friendship with my "best" friend ended back in Sept 05, and I'm having a difficult time letting go of the hurt. I think I could've gotten over this better, but the last year and a half of my life has been an emotional roller coaster and it just seems that it was just one horrible thing after another that I've had to deal with, and with this friendship ending just seemed like the last straw for me. Some background on what I've been dealing with: Back in July 04, my MIL , a very manipulative pathological liar and pill popper, did everything she could to get my husband to divorce me and turn the rest of the family and all of our friends against me. My husband and I were happily married for 10 years at the time and this devastated him and he had a complete mental breakdown. None of her actions were a surprise to me, from day one , she made it clear to everyone but my husband that she couldn't stand me. She always told me the last time she had said anything negative about someone her son had dated, it had back fired on her.The week she found out that her son was dating someone, she checked herself into the mental hospital, this was before she had ever even met me. Perhaps I should give you some background on her: her parents died in a car accident when she was 6 , she and her brother were adopted. She claims to have been molested by her adoptive father. this made me feel sorry for her, so for years I did my best to be friends with her, even though she would be nice to me in front of the rest of the family, but the moment we were alone she would say nasty things to me. I would try talking to her, but after 10 years of this, I just started to walk away when she got started and I would avoid being alone with her. Throughout this entire time, her husband would confide in me how unhappy he was in the marriage and the terrible things she had done to him. I was a shoulder to cry on, I never told him what to do or what I thought, I just listened. He couldn't talk to his own grown children because he didn't want to devastate them by telling them just how mentally sick their mother really was, no one talked about, the subject was taboo. After she tried to destroy my marriage and my friendships with others, my FIL started telling my husband some family secrets. My husband found out that his mother was previously married and never bothered to tell his father and had never bothered to get a divorce. She trapped him in to marriage by getting pregnant and then demanded that he marry her. FIL tried to leave her later down the line, she got pregnant again. She "attempted" suicide when my husband was about to leave the nest to attend college, and made sure that the Kids would find her in time. She was in the garage with the car running, but made sure to keep the windows rolled up. FIL took her to a psychiatrist. Only once it was a family session and SIL cried in front of the doctor. MIL grabbed her by the arm and told her "don't ever cry in front of the doctor again." The kids were never allowed to talk about it ever again. My SIL was only 12 at the time, my husband 18. MIL has been seeing the doctor for 16 years or so. My FIL goes in to talk to the doctor once every few months, finds out she is extremely vague about the abuse, and found out that she is claiming it also happened when she was 2 years old in her biological family. My father is a doctor and his friends are psychiatrists and my sister is a psych. too. Everyone one of them find this to be a bit fishy. After she got the the point where she could no longer have children, and her marriage was shakey, she began to say she was now diagnosed with MPD. multiple personality disorder. only her husband has witnessed the MPD. I find this a bit fishy. She uses it as an excuse and claims she doen't remember making any nasty remarks to me or trying to destroy my marriage. I find this fishy, because she claims not to even recognize her own children so how the hell would she even know who I was. When she was confronted by this, she just clams up. My husband and I don't have any children yet, and MIL wants grandkids. We have an adorable little dog that MIL tried to harm on a few different occasions. Apparently she feels that if we didn't have the dog, she would have had a grandkid by now. This was the very last straw for me, I'm a big girl and can take care of my self, but to go after a little dog was just too much for me. I cut off all contact with MIL. My husband's "Leave it to Beaver" life that he thought he had came tumbling down around him and suffered a nervous breakdown. I turned to my "best" friend for emotional support. After a few months of me talking to her about how depressed and out of it my husband was and I didn't know what to do, this was not all we talked about, I always asked her how things were going with her and we talked about happy things as well, she told me she was sick of hearing about it. This friend"A" as I will call her, lied to me for years about what my MIL was saying to her about me. A knows MIL well , A was orginally my husband's friend in highschool. A also made matters worse when she got pregnant and told MIL " at least one of your kids is giving you a grandchild" This was when the sh!t really hit the fan and MIL tried to get husband to divorce me. I let it go and forgave A. When A started noticing that hubby 's salary increased, we bought some pricey things and took an extravegant vacation to celebrate our 10 th anniversary , things got very strange with her. She made comments about all the unnecessary things that we had, became beligerent towards us when we asked them out dinner and wanted to pay, so we stopped doing that and then became beligerent about birthday and X-mas gifts that we gave them. Now nothing we got was that pricey, for x-mas , we got them a tivo. A and her husband were like family to us. When our 13 year old car kept breaking down and I mentioned that were finally going to have to break down and buy a new one, she quipped "we just got a new car , we just got a LEXUS" A and husband were expecting a baby at this point and asked us to be God parents. We were thrilled. I was asked by her to do the baby shower, was TOLD to buy her a highchair on A's orders. Baby shower weekend comes up and she gives me my birthday present early. She goes on and on about how she bought me gold earings, that she had to get me gold earrings. Now this entire weekend I heard her tell her husband he wasn't allowed to buy even a stick of gum for himself, they were down to one income since she became pregnant. I thought I should say something, and told her I hope she didn't feel obligated to buy me them and our friendship wasn't about that, when she screamed at me that I make her feel poor and why couldn't I just had said Thankyou. Then she tell me exactly how much her husband makes and screams that she doesn't care how much my husband F'ing makes. I try to calm her down and tell that's not what our friendship is about . I thought everything was alright, and then she cut drastically down on calling me. We live over 3 hours away and tried to make arrangements to go and visit them but she had one excuse after another and then got made at us for not coming. At this point, I wrote her a letter about my concerns, how hurt I was by other things she had said and how I thought she seemed uncomfortable with us when my husband began to make more money. Over a month later, she replied with a scathing letter , telling me that I was making things up, that I was a liar and told me to "buy a HUMMER" for all she cared and said that I apparently wanted special treatment because of the money I spent on gifts for them. I couldn't believe it. I wrote her back saying that her comments made it clear that she did indeed have an issue with this and I hoped as "true" friends that we could talk abou it. Whenver A had any problems or was depressed, I was always there for her, I would have given the shirt off my back for her but I never heard from her again. I'm hoping for some feedback from someone, hoping it will make me feel better , I've been through alot lately and since losing my "best friend" I really don't have anyone to talk to. My husband tells me I should get over it it since she obviously turned out to be not that nice of a person, but we both couldn't believe how she behaved. My husband had known her for over 20 years, and I knew her for over 10. We were very close, more like family, and we were to be God parents to their daughter. I was always there for her , I was always a shoulder to cry on, and even whisked her away to Chicago one weekend when she was really depressed to get her mind off of things for a while and try to enjoy herself . At the worst time in my life, with my MIL problems and my husband mental breakdown, we lost our beloved cat to cancer suddenly and our little dog went blind over night due to Sudden acquired Retinal Degeneration. All these horrible things happened within a 3 month period. I really needed a friend, and she could not have cared less. What the hell happened? X |
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February 21, 2006, 6:22 pm PST
This is not a very exciting post, but one I am having trouble with and hope some objective viewpoints might help. I am a 48 year old womand and have known a friend for about 5 years. We were never best friends, just good friends, who I had done a lot with over the years. I used to live in her area, but have since moved. (but not very far away, only about 20 mins) For some reason, I just don't really enjoy being with her like I used to. This started before I even moved ...I can't pinpoint why, she just makes me feel bored and uncomfortable whenI am with her. Our interests have changed and I have other friends who really make me feel alive, and that I have fun with, and share common interests. SHe is a nice person, but sometimes, in very small ways, she makes me feel as if she is judging me (giving advice when not asked for it, etc.) but it's never been anything major, but it just irritates me. She kind of acts like my mother (whom I love dearly, but only want one thank you) I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her, be someone I am not at times to please her.
I just feel that our friendship has hit the end of the road. When I lived near her, it was easier to make the effort to do things her, but now that I am away, and am busy, I don't have time to spend with anyone I don't really want to do things with. (I have a family that also keeps me busy) I have tried to just gradually withdraw from her, but other mutual friends have noticed and want to know what is wrong. The friend in question has also started asking other people why I seem distant to her.. it seems like everyome wants an answer. I don't want to hurt her, like I said, she hasn't really done anything wrong, I just feel like I am in a different place in my life, and don't see eye to eye with her on things like I used to. SO my question is, what should I do...I continue to be friendly to her when I see her, in a group situation, although I haven't emailed or called her to do anything in a few months (she hasn't either, but has told a few people she was worried I was mad at her or something...they told her to talk to me about it herself, but she said it wasn't something she felt comfortable doing) At first, I thought she probably felt the same way about me...and that the friendship had just run its course. But like I said, she has expressed concern that the friendship is strange, that I seem strange when I see her. How can I just "get out" of this friendship without hurting her or making a big deal of it...I don't plan on initiating a discussion with her about this, hoping it will just fade on it's own, and she will go on with her own life and her other friends. But what do I say if and when she does ask me why I haven't seemed to be interested in doing things with her anymore.... |
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February 27, 2006, 12:56 pm PST
Just get away from the person!!! I was friends with someone from 6th grade all the way to 10th grade... She was and still is a liar... Doesn't matter what its about she lies about it... Its just a horriable thing. She lied about having a baby, lying just about everything. Doesn't matter how much you believe they are your friend in the long run you are friends with someone who really is just a made up person.... What I'm saying is.. As soon as you stop making lies for your friend, they will disappear from your life completely! (which is an awsome thing.. you feel better not only by your self but everything around you gets better) Hope this helps some of you out! <33333 Meg |
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March 3, 2006, 7:32 am PST
reading all this stuff on here makes me believe that I could label my friend /neighbor as toxic.I have been through 11 yrs of growing pains ,kids ,building, family deaths, whatever, good things, bad things.she has been a decent friend. there for me through the most part. Buuuuuuut, Here I sit with the sting of of rejection again. I have learned through the years she won't ever make the call to you., she rejects my calls and any attempts to resolve any issues that come up. She never feels anything is her fault, she won't discuss it .Believe me over the years I have let my share of things go .Because,I did think of her as a good friend.. I did express to her that I feel concern for how easily she dismisses people from her life.She seemed offended when I said that to her. one fallout we had ended because I was determined for it to end after six months. of course , I let the sting of rejection eat me alive. card, apoliogy, gift even.the whole shot .not that she has not taken a stab at saying how needy I was even stated this in front of another friend of ours. I did all of this because I thought of her as a great friend because I needed some closeure. The same way she makes me feel at this moment. I called her yesterday for what I am deciding has to be the last time. I am doing my best to just move on pass this knowing she won't ever make the call feels painful |
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