Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

No I don't think that I have forgotten anything..  and I was not challenging anything that you had written thrashing her and giving her the tough side of how she came across initially to the friend.  But it sounds to me like the problem was going on long before the 'writer' confronted the 'friend' about not telling her that she was moving.     

These are clear indicators that something had been wrong and left unspoken, on both sides   "She then accused me of ignoring her for months"  as well as, "This list included a question of why she hadn't shared her newly found house with me...we usually share EVERYTHING.   

You did a good job of giving her the unadulterated hard-nosed truth of how you think she did not come across in exactly the 'right way' with her friend.  I chose to give the alternate point of view on the matter.  That doesn't mean that I sugar coated or forgot anything.     

And if I may point out, we were not there and I'm sure didn't get the 'entire truth'.  The writer may not have came across as the greatest friend with the best judgment in this world, BUT I do REMEMBER that she was hurt.  And understandably so.   

The fact that you chose to respond to my response and you feel so strongly about your position  tells me that you more than likely have been on the receiving end of a situation that perhaps put you in the situation of the 'friend' of the 'writer'  as I pointed out in my post, I have also been in a similar situation..  but in more of the "writer's" shoes..  and I shared how I felt.   

 Just because someone does not have your take on things does not make them wrong, nor should you feel the need to correct them and reiterate what you originally thought if you truly felt that you were right in the first place.  Not that I do not value your opinion, because I truly do..  and this is most importantly about the writer that posted to get as many opinions as she could get.  Luckily for her.. she got you and me :-)   

Have a Wonderfully Blessed Day,   

~*Lorimommy3 *~  

Interesting post on many fronts!  first-thanks, I am having a blessedly wonderful day.  It's sunny and warm and I'm feeling real happy!  Hope your day is wonderful too! 

I find it interesting that I come across as tough to you. Maybe I do tell things as I see them of late.Wasn't always so.  Would you believe the old Julie was really shy?? 

Back to our topic now.  No, I don't see your views as wrong-just different from mine.  While I may have strong opinions, I certainly do respect that others may feel differently.  Yes, I also saw that the writer was hurting. However, we sometimes need to take a step back and examine how our own behavior could be contributing to the problem.  That is what I was trying to do with this writer. Perhaps her behavior closed the door to any possible discussion with the friend. Now, her friend may have had a valid reason for doing what she did OR she could have been downright inconsiderate.  You and I don't know enough about the situation. But I hold firm that the writer coming on as accusatory rather than questioning her friend about why she did what she did-the WRITER'S behavior may have put the friend on the defensive rather than making way for a  hopefully constructive discussion about what happened.  I would tend to be much more focused on the person's attitude rather than the issue a person came out accusing me rather than questioning.  The laundry list of hurts then added fuel to the fire, and pushed them further away from being able to have a discussion. 

Yes, there are many facts you and I are not privy to, but that is for them to work out if they can get to the stage where they can talk rationally, express how they feel in a respectful way and be open to listening to the other person. 

Have a good day, Lorimommy3, 

from the new "tough" Julie (LOL!!!) 

Hello, I'm a girl with a very well-known problem, men who use me. I want to share my experience about a "friendship" gone wrong in any sense possible. William and I were very close friends for about 4 months, there were no lies between us as well as lots in common. Now, I don't drive yet, and neither does he, so I walked over there just about every day, one hour up-hill. The walking didn't bother me at all, it was quite refreshing. Anyway, when we would talk on the phone, he would ask if I wanted to come over, then after I agreed he would tell me that I had to pick up food (their house is empty, I would have starved). Then there was birthday a present- a video game he begged for: $58, for Christmas a leather wrist cuff: $20, being the idiot who didn't take it all back and pawn it, PRICELESS. I ended up spending about $200 on him including food etc. he went to his brother's  house for 2 weeks for Christmas, and came back suspiciously happy, I thought he would ask me out, so I called his brother to ask about it. His brother told me that while William was visiting, he flirted with every girl in his radius, even flirting with his brother's girlfriends' friends! William never told me that "liar and pig" were on his resume. So after being good friends for quite a while, he stopped returning my calls, and told me that I was annoying, and "pissing him off". We haven't talked for about a month, and even thinking about him makes my blood pressure rise (I've NEVER had that before). I do think that the best and easiest way yo end a toxic relationship is to gradually stop talking and let the friendship end in a slow manner. At least when you see them in public, you won't have to run away, it can rest itself at a "Hi, how are you?" sort of confrontation, nice and simple.   

So glad to hear that your day has been blessedly wonderful! :-)  The day here was so-so as I got to listen to a chain saw from the neighbors since 7am **holding hands over my ears**  Why did they have to play lumberjack on this day?  * But anyway, other than that, it has been great!  

I am glad that my observation shone a light on a part of yourself that you have been trying to embrace!  THAT IS GREAT!  I firmly believe that no matter what we are 'shy' or 'out-going' That as long as we are comfortable wearing the shoes.. ain't nobody else's business!  And if that attitude shines through, you are going to be offering soooo much more to your world!  So I guess I CAUGHT YOU!  *Just being yourself* LOL!  

  Furthermore I think it is interesting that you say 'the old Julie' was 'shy'  You must be going through a time in your life that you are really getting to know yourself as I have been.   

It was nice kind of getting to know you through these posts..  ***waving*** hope to see you more in future posts..  And always always tell it like you think it is..  because the way you see it, just might be the glasses that another needs to see their world through!  

Have another Blessedly Wonderful Day!  

*And may the chainsaw Gods NOT smile upon you this day! :-)  

***~Lorimommy3~***  

Hi Lori 

just for the record I have TWO neighbors having construction on their homes this week.  So I am getting stereophonic hammers and saws here! (LOL) But atleast it is not too loud. 

I am enjoying reading your observations. it is good to see how we are perceived by others.  Now as far as being comfortable wearing our shoes goes; I was not comfortable with the shyness. I got stepped on alot as well as bullied when I was young.  In early adulthood, I was afraid to speak up at work.  I held alot inside, which wasn't healthy.   I think I had a feeling that I didn't have control over what happens in my life; that other people held all the strings, and I would just let things happen.   Over the years I learned (sometimes the hard way) that my feelings and opinions do count and that I am responsible for expressing them, as well as doing what is healthy for me.  Now, if there is a problem at work, I deal with it.  I speak up if I don't think something is right.  I also speak up in personal relationships.  I do this in a respectful way-not aggressive-as I advised that woman with the friend that moved without her knowledge to do. And I am happier this way.  I don't walk around with knots in my stomach like I used to (which were really unresolved issues that were bothering me).  I find that even if I don't get things resolved completely the way I want to, things certainly turn out better than if I didn't speak up.   Many times the resolution to a problem involves a compromise that makes both parties feel that they got something they wanted. 

So that's my early morning thoughts for today.  I am on the boards alot, particularly on certain topics, so I am sure I'll be "seeing" you on here! 

Hope you have a good chainsawless day! 

Julie 

You beat me!  It is afternoon here, and I have not gotten anything accomplished *yuck*  and I can't even blame it on the chainsaws today!  So, I gotta get my butt in gear.   

I just wanted to say HI!  And that I got your response and I will write back later.. dh is realllllly getting antsy now! LOL  I have 3 hours worth of stuff to do in 1 and here I am :-)  hehe He'll be ok! 

Have a Wonderfully Blessed Day!!!!!! 

~**Lorimommy3**~ 

Hello every one , here is my story , a year ago i moved to a new country because of my husband's work , so of course i need to make friends and I always finded hard times of making ones , but one of them was willing to be my friend she was doing her best so , she was my best friend and i told her my deepest secrets , but all of the sudden she 's been intruduced to new friends and she started to get away from me she doesn't answer my phone calls my msgs and i decided tha i will not talk to her , now the new friends of her  started to ignore her , and n turn she tried to get back to me , i shut her down and i didn't want any thing to deal wth her cause she hurted me , any way she is moving from the country she told every one good bye every one who hurt her but me , but cause of the old times i said i will call her so I did but she didn't answer , so after few days i called again and she ddn't answer again , but then I've sent her a msg telling her that I wanted to tell you good bye and if you don't wanna answer then  up to you , she replied that now you rememebred me ?? 

i've been here for ages but you ignored me , she didn't realized that she did hurt me she didn't realize what happened with me cause of her any way  i told her don't act as a victim  but what made it worse she s not getting close to my best friend and my best friend is falling 4 her she listen to her and she is telling me that she did nothing to her , any way the old friend read every single msg to my new friend and told her  that I want you to see how mean is suzan is  and I want to clear things for you , my new frend is falling 4 her although she is moving , and  my new friend is telling me you were wrong of sending her a msg , i really can't keepup with these old people i really can't did i do any thing wrong plz tell me  

Hi, I'm new to this board and haven't yet had a chance to read all the posts, so I apologize if this topic has already been discussed.  To make a long story short, I decided to stop getting together with a toxic acquaintance (I could never say we were friends) nearly a year ago.  Although we weren't particularly close, everytime we would see eachother (playgroup, mom's group, etc.) she would be very negative and critical of everyone and everything.  I've known this woman for several years and eventually learned that she was also gossiping and even telling lies about me and my children to my neighbors and others.  I decided to make a clean break of it (along with several other women friends who had also had enough of her gossip and mean cracks about our life choices, childcare preferences, decisions to work outside the home, etc.).  The problem is, my husband decided after the fact that he would continue to socialize with her husband and allow our children to play with hers.  It is as if he goes out of his way to make me spend time with her (as if that would help) and I have to sit and bite my tongue as she makes cracks about people who go back to school, work outside the home, put their kids in daycare, etc.  I don't know who to be more angry with -- her for being a pill, or my husband for deciding for us that we MUST socialize with them.  Any suggestions?  Should I just find an excuse not to be present or continue to put up with her when I must?  Thanks.