Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Appleoak, I think we've all experienced a "friend" like yours at one time or another.  I have been "lucky" enough to experience a few like her.  First during my school years one girl always gave me a hard time, but I soon realized that she had nasty things to say about alot of people. More recently it has been a neighbor.  We used to get together for coffee when the kids were young.  She was very critical of so many people.  I think she was envious of others, and perhaps your "friend" too really envies those who are working or furthering their education.  Eventually when I decided to further my own education she turned on me.  She picked a fight, then twisted things to put me in the wrong and gossiped to other neighbors about me.  We didn't talk for a long time.  Eventually I took the high road and began to talk to her again, mainly because it was awkward avoiding her when we live so close by.  But the trust is gone so it is only small talk and I will never consider becoming friends again. 

In your case, maybe your husband does enjoy a good friendship with her husband and maybe the kids do play well together.  Do you have to go along all the time if your husband is going over there?  You should address this with him and express your concerns.  Myabe tell him that the friendship seems to work for him and the kids, but you are very uncomfortable around her knowing how she trashes other people, including you!  Maybe you can beg off the visiting.  Have other plans when he is going there.   But if you do go, you don't have to, and shouldn't bite your tongue when she says nasty things about others.    You can be nice about  how you go about this.  Just say something like "I see it differently than you"......or how bout "there are many different lifestyles that people have and we all need to do what is best in our particular case.  Your lifestyle seems to be working for you but Mary's is working out very nicely with her working outside the home".  Good luck to you! 

I need advice on relationships with family and friends.My question is that I am a very caring person. I feel that I do all the calling and inviting but if I don't call them they don't call me. I don't understand !   

Should I continue to call and invite or do I stop1 I feel that I am giving them all the attention but in return I feel I am not being noticed !   

Hello All,  

This is my first time on the board, so please forgive me for my long post. I had this person who I thought was a friend since middle school. We rode to school together, particpated in the same activities, ect. All the while, she would tell everyone whatever I told her. She would lie about me, and destroy relationships I had with other people. This behavior continue throughout college, until the day I married, she was a suppossed to be bridesmaid that didn't show up for the wedding ( another bridesmaid told me she had no intention of coming).  

My problem is, that in fact she is related (by marriage) to my husband. So, its only a matter of time until we cross paths again (Its been five years). In fact she called my husband 'just to say hi', Saturday. Said nothing to me at all.  

So how do I deal with this. To be honest a HUGE part of me wants to yell and scream, but I wouldn't give her the satifaction. So one please help!!  

Thank you so much for responding. I will take you advice, and will advise my hubby to do the same. I don't know if he's knows the extent of how she is, but he's really good at respecting my feelings. I just don't get her; she did this other people, but not to the extent of what she did to me. A big part of me just wants to know why, why me? I promise I never did anything to warrant such behavior. Jealously, maybe, but for so long!!?? (10 years)?? I guess I'll never understand. ( I wonder if she's a narcissist ?) 

Alright so here is my problem, or situation rather. I had this "friend" who i recently cut off contact with, because of how they started to treat me. It was partially my fault for always trying to "compromise" and work it out, but I finally did draw the line. Anyways, now I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do. Our friendship was very short-lived, barely 2 months, but the impact this person had on me was great and I miss them.  

A bit of a background on this (a tad long, so bear with me) :  

Very shortly ( a matter of days) after we met, he was very flirtatious, nice and saying he wanted to take me out etc... Not a problem.   

However, very soon after that he started inquiring as to why I did certain things, how I took care of myself , not confiding in him about a personal issue i chose not to speak of, and if what I did, didn't fit his "logic" he snubbed me, guilt tripped me , and just plain out got nasty.  Each time something went wrong, such as I didn't flirt back or I questioned his motives (not in a rude way, just in a cautious way since we had literally just met) he thought it was because he is a guy and I was stereotyping him, even after i explained to him my actual reasoning and that  it was nothing personal. He still chose not to "get it." and essentially, I think,  chose to blame  me for his misinterpretation. A few days later th en said we couldn't be friends anymore, because he didn't want that "drama" in his life while ironically at the same time sending me 50 (literally) blank e-mails.   

So anyway, we worked it out and things went really well for a bit ( a bit emphasis on the 'bit' part. I sometimes think my forgiving nature is a magnet for these types of people, and perhaps low self-esteem). We didnt talk for a few days, because of work and the first thing he says to me is to criticize  me about an opinion of mine. When i reacted to what he said, he had a problem with that and accused me of  coping an attitude he didn't deserve and being overly sensitive,that reminded him of his mom and sister which  he found annoying. In short, I could never do anything right. When I was nice, I got pounded, when I stepped up I got pounded. Each thing I did wrong, he was qick to disparage, but refused to take note that he was doing the exact same thing he percevied I to be enaging in, even when i tried to explain otherwise.  

 He was tempermental towards me and even threw abuse I experience growing up in my face . He later on said he regretted saying such things (claiming he did it onyl out of anger), but that was only after i asked him if ever planned on doing so, but refused to for anything else he has said or done since it "wasn't" wrong, and even mocked my feelings a couple of times, just because he was "angry". Once again we "worked" it out, or so I thought. He the got into it with a friend of mine and left me some sarcastic message, whether or not it was directed towards me I dont  know. All i know is 3 days later he once again said we couldn't be friends, only this time sending (literally) 152 messages. That's when I drew the line ( ya, i know took me long enough). I didn't repsond to such a cry for attention and cut him out of my life. I would have inquired as to what his reasoning was, but I didn't want to be run down, yet again. So, I went away silently. He hasn't contacted me since (only been a few weeks, so we shall see).  

Now i find out he is in a relationship with someone, who he has known for a few years and is apparently in love with her.  I guess it semi-hurts, because he chose to treat me like that and apparently treats her so well.I know he has known her longer then I , but I still don't understand what I did to ask for that treatment when I feel I tried my best and gave that former friendship my all. I try to stay postive and I'm a believer in both God and Karma, but it doesn't seem fair that he could treat someone so shity and then be lucky enough to find someone who makes him happy.  

How do I get in my head an accept that I have not lost prince charming, but rather escaped the grasp of someone who isn't good for me.  

Thanks all for your advice!