Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Ending Toxic Friendships

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August 16, 2006, 9:27 pm PDT

You know that old saying...

Quote From: confused57

Hi everyone! Just wanted to share my recent experience in ending a toxic friendship. I was friends with this person for about three and a half years. A year ago I went to visit family in another state for a few months and during that time my grandmother who raised me passed away. When I came back from my trip, my friend wanted to hang out and I felt I wasn't ready to do much yet. I was still in the "shock" stage of grieving. After about a week my friend started saying crude one liners and sending mean emails saying that she was mad at me for not answering my phone right away or not calling her back immediately. I didn't know what to do. I was still hurting from the loss of my grandmother and felt emotionally numb. I apologized to my friend for making her feel like I was ignoring her and left it at that. Months later we went to lunch and I told her that her mean remarks and emails really hurt my feelings. Her excuse was that they were having money problems at the time and she was stressed out. I told her that everybody goes through difficult situations and that was okay, but it is never okay to treat people poorly because of them. She then started crying and the conversation basically ended there. Our friendship has gone downhill since then and it was not until recently that I had the words to tell her how I've been feeling. Below is what I had written in a letter and her response. Please keep in mind that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year.

(letter to friend)- I do not want this to rain on your parade with the good news of being pregnant but this has been on my mind for a while. I was planning on talking to you in person but felt it would be easier to get my thoughts across on paper. I was surprised to receive your email asking what happened to our friendship. I thought I was clear when we talked over lunch but apparently not. Having my grandmother pass away was by far the most painful experience I've ever gone through and to have you jump down my throat when I got back made things that much more devastating. I feel that friends are those you can count on especially in times of need and in my time of need you just cut me down with your crude remarks and bitchy emails. You haven't been the person I remember being close friends with. So now, if you want to be a friend, be a friend and understand that it will take time for me to trust you again.

(her response)- i dont remember jumping down your throat at any time. and about your grandmother passing away you know i dont know what to say about stuff like that to comfort anybody. and how did i ever lose your trust what did i do? and i find it kind of shitty that you cant even tell me congrads and you call yourself a friend???? and how are we going to become better friends if you dont want to hang out??? or for that matter talk to me!!!! so i guess our friend ship has come to an end!!! good luck in life and the best to you!!!

Is it just me or was this friendship toxic and I didn't realize it until now?

You know that old saying, “with friends like that, who needs enemies?” That saying applies to this friendship! In my opinion, you are better off without this friendship. She was stressed out about money, so that was her excuse to be hurtful towards you? Lame excuse! She didn’t know what to say to you regarding your deceased grandmother, so she tries to place the blame on you by saying ‘you know I don’t know what to say to comfort anybody..’ as though it is, in some way, your fault that she has no compassion? Don’t fall for that b.s. This person isn’t mature enough to maintain or appreciate a healthy friendship, and you will move forward and find yourself better off without this person in your life. Don’t look back, don’t over-analyze, and always remember: living well is the best revenge!

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cbdone4

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August 17, 2006, 7:35 am PDT

to confused57

Quote From: jenoc99

You know that old saying, with friends like that, who needs enemies? That saying applies to this friendship! In my opinion, you are better off without this friendship. She was stressed out about money, so that was her excuse to be hurtful towards you? Lame excuse! She didnt know what to say to you regarding your deceased grandmother, so she tries to place the blame on you by saying you know I dont know what to say to comfort anybody.. as though it is, in some way, your fault that she has no compassion? Dont fall for that b.s. This person isnt mature enough to maintain or appreciate a healthy friendship, and you will move forward and find yourself better off without this person in your life. Dont look back, dont over-analyze, and always remember: living well is the best revenge!

The frustration of a friendship with someone who allows it to sour at the first sign of real trouble can happen at any ponit. count your blessings that she responded at all. At least it is in print that she is not capable of thinking past her own emotions. After thirteen years of friendship with someone I thought of as a close friend she has only responded with rejection. I have still yet to hear from her almost eight months later. since we are neighbors also it does hurt. I ignored all the signs, now my frustration over this repeatedly put me in a place of asking forgiveness over the years. I should not have needed to do this in a real friendship. . What happen ? who knows. The only thing I have taken away from this is pity for her. She cannot be happy always having to be the one in the rightous seat. hope this helps

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birdybird

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August 17, 2006, 6:14 pm PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

I have not heard from my ex-neighbor since she came to my house a few weeks ago. I guess she either she got the message or she's waiting for another opportunity. I'm still struggling with mixed feelings about the whole mess. On one hand I feel guilty- because I've never considered myself to be the kind of person who "throws people away." On the other hand I am extremely angry at myself for what I've put up with this far, and still looking like the bad person who dumped her friend right after her husband dies. I can't bring myself to call her because I simply don't want her in my life anymore, but I still feel bad about the circumstances surrounding my decision to cut her off. I've allowed her to be overbearing, invasive and mean spirited towards me - but still sacrificed my feelings to keep her company because no on else would. Is it possible that all this time I was wrong because the feelings I had for her were pity instead of friendship?? I'm trying not to overanalyse this situation and just move on, but it has been very difficult to come to terms with it all.

Anyone ever felt this way? How did you deal with it??

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birdybird

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August 17, 2006, 7:58 pm PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: jenoc99

Yeah this friend sounds a bit creepy to me, too!! its a good thing that your mom was there.
My advice to you is to continue to distance yourself, even though she seems to keep having crisis after crisis-- you dont deserve to have your life and energy sucked out of you from this woman. Have the two of you ever had a confrontation at all? Or are you always trying to calm her, tell her what she wants to hear, and hope that she will go away? If she continues to drop by unannounced like this, its time to have the much needed, and much dreaded, talk with her. I had to do this years ago, it was difficult.
My friend had the ability to suck the life right out of me, after listening to her tales of being victimized over and over, I was exhausted. After years of this, I finally realized that she actually made herself a victim in her life. She called me over and over, kept leaving messages, the first ones were fine- they were like this: hey, its me- call me when you get a chance. then they turned into creepy ones, like this yeah its me. I know Im just sh*t to you, but if you could spare a few moments, please call me. then it went to this: everything Ive done for youand you treat me like thisyou tell mewhat did I do to deserve this! (while crying) This was over approx. 3 or 4 days- not weeks or months. I called her and I remained calm and rational the whole time, I started out with this: I feel like we need to put some distance between us, sometimes I just need quiet time with my family, and and then she started yelling, crying, screaming that I was evil, I used her all these years- which wasnt true, there was nothing to use -- it was an accusation purely made up. I was quiet while she raged, then when there was a quiet second I said, well, I think we should talk again once you are more calm. and I hung up. She called back right away, I didnt answer- she left obscene messages, over and over. I realized she was even more psycho than I thought! The next day, when I knew she wasnt home, I left a message saying to her, please dont contact me for 1 month. One month later, she sent me a long letter, which basically said what a victim she has been, all of her life, blah blah blah I was so tired of hearing this by then. I didnt write back, never called her. About a year later, she sent another long letter saying the same stuff, but this time she said that everyone changes, please give me another chance to be your friend. Ugh! Again I didnt respond. I knew that if I did, even just saying no, I cant give you a chance, that she would LOVE to get that letter because then she would have actual proof that I was victimizing her. I wouldnt give her that satisfaction.
There are people in the world who thrive off of misery. My friend never had any intention of seeking happiness or joy for herself, and its sad, because she deserved it. Im convinced that she has an anti-social personality disorder or something. Anyway- back to your situation- I urge you to do the same thing that I did. Dont give her the pleasure of going on and on about how terrible of a life she has had- just say, we shouldnt be talking while you are so upset, call me in one month.. or something like that. I wish you the best of luck with this situation, keep us updated on the message board.

Thank you soo much for your response, and you're right- I was always the calm voice of reason, hoping that she would find a way to be happy with herself and get on with her life. I realized two years ago how much better I felt when I wasn't around her as opposed to when I was. Sometimes it looked like she would deliberately force her presence on me simply because she knew I didn't want it. I'm an outgoing person who likes to have fun, but I also enjoy my privacy and peace. I noticed in the beginning that she never had any other social outlets besides me but at the time I thought it was because she was just somewhat of an introvert and no one was really giving her a fair chance. But over the course of time I began to see why no one else wanted to be bothered. The only way she seemed to be able to connect with any one was through complaining and pity which was a downer. She would always find a negative angle to any conversation. All of my other friends saw her as "weird or strange" and sometimes wouldn't come through unless I promised them that she wouldn't be there which I thought was wrong- at first. After a while I just got tired and decided to be nice but not involved, that's when the Dr Jekyl Mr. Hyde acts started. One minute she was extremely nice, then mean and catty, then nice again- always had a "poor me" story instead of an apology for her behavior. She would come out of a funky bag on me Thursday and then practically strong arm me to be her "best friend and confidant" the next day. I finally asked myself " what is wrong with this woman and what is wrong with you for tolerating her"??

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confused57

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August 18, 2006, 6:39 pm PDT

Thank you

Quote From: jenoc99

You know that old saying, with friends like that, who needs enemies? That saying applies to this friendship! In my opinion, you are better off without this friendship. She was stressed out about money, so that was her excuse to be hurtful towards you? Lame excuse! She didnt know what to say to you regarding your deceased grandmother, so she tries to place the blame on you by saying you know I dont know what to say to comfort anybody.. as though it is, in some way, your fault that she has no compassion? Dont fall for that b.s. This person isnt mature enough to maintain or appreciate a healthy friendship, and you will move forward and find yourself better off without this person in your life. Dont look back, dont over-analyze, and always remember: living well is the best revenge!

Thank you so much for your response. I agree with everything you've said. What I neglected to mention in my message is that we are in the same circle of friends which makes things a little tricky. The friend and I have talked since I posted my message and as for now we are "ok". I know we will never be as close as we once were and i'll be keeping my guard up from now on. I must say it has been sad to see her for how she really is. Regardless, thanks again and I will be "living well" without her stress surrounding me at all times!

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confused57

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August 18, 2006, 7:02 pm PDT

Thank you

Quote From: cbdone4

The frustration of a friendship with someone who allows it to sour at the first sign of real trouble can happen at any ponit. count your blessings that she responded at all. At least it is in print that she is not capable of thinking past her own emotions. After thirteen years of friendship with someone I thought of as a close friend she has only responded with rejection. I have still yet to hear from her almost eight months later. since we are neighbors also it does hurt. I ignored all the signs, now my frustration over this repeatedly put me in a place of asking forgiveness over the years. I should not have needed to do this in a real friendship. . What happen ? who knows. The only thing I have taken away from this is pity for her. She cannot be happy always having to be the one in the rightous seat. hope this helps

Thank you for your response. I appreciate the support. I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through with your friend. If it's any consolation, you sound like a great friend. You must be to try to keep the friendship going after her responding only with rejection. I too ignored all the signs. Even when my husband told me that he had a bad feeling about her I didn't listen. Take care and know that you old friend lost out.

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beecharm3r7

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September 4, 2006, 10:00 am PDT

Toxic

I've been friends with 'A' for 10 years. We've been through the ups and downs. She was there for me when my sister got cancer when i was only in the tenth grade. She's had several problems such as chronic panic attacks, and there was a major event in her life when she went away to University that left her traumatized. I was there for her the best i could be since we were in different cities.

Her panic attacks got worse and a couple years ago she dropped out of school only 2 classes away from graduating. She became a borderline agoraphobic (can't leave her house). I came and visited several times throughout the year.

My sister got sick again, and during that year i visited even more (since it's my home town). She rarely asked me how my sister was doing, or how i was doing for that matter. I was depressed but no one would know it to look at me. I'd smile and put on a pleasant enough face but sometimes it'd take me a couple hours to manage to drag myself out of bed. This effected my job search of course.

Once my sister got better, i got better, and my job situation changed. 'A' did not. she still rarely talked to me about anything but frivolous things, unless i'd bring it up. but still she'd smile and nod and barely say anything.

Then for about 6 months there it was really good. She got out of the house for a little at a time, and could even spend the afternoon out without feeling anxious.

I even went away with her and her family for the long weekend a couple months ago.

About 5 months ago my job (and the entire business) went out of business so i've been doing the job search thing once again.

Now that i'm starting a new job she seems to be treating me differently. I don't know why.

She'll call and we'll chat for a few minutes then she'll ask me to come over on the weekend. We make plans for the day, but no time. I call her on thurs or friday to find out and she doesn't return my calls. Then she'll act like she forgot. then the weekend following, she'll do the same thing. make plans then 'forget'.

We have a mutual friend 'S' who was over at some of our other friend's place on Saturday. 'A' was there and talking about leaving town this monday, and having done something friday night with another friend. 'S' asked her. 'Aren't you supposed to be going out somewhere with K?" (me). 'A' simply smiled, shrugged, and responded. "Whatever." I trust 'S' completely and she would never lie about something like that.

Then i talked to her online and she tried to make plans for next weekend with me.

I'm trying to figure out a way to approach this and confront her but i'm a little angry right now. I'm afraid I'll ruin what friendship we do have. Advice?

I'd hate to have to cut her loose after so long but i've been wondering about that lately.

I'm a person who is very close to a smaller group of people and most of my friends aren't in this city. I don't rely on 'A' to be my only social source but it's possible she thinks that. Could this be why she's starting to treat me poorly? Or is she just selfish and inconsiderate? What do you think i should do?

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beecharm3r7

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September 4, 2006, 10:07 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

I forgot to mention I live back in my home town now so it's easier for us to get together, or at least it should be.

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birdybird

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September 4, 2006, 3:55 pm PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Yesterday, September 3rd, my ex-neighbor called me again asking if she could come by my house for a visit because she was in the area(why she would be in the area on a Sunday when she lives 20 miles away I don't know). I politely told her I was busy and she went on to talk about some argument between her and her Mom and how she is having a hard time adjusting to bing "single" after her husbands death. A large part of me wanted to let her in because I knew she needed someone to talk to and for the better part of 8 years I was that person. But knowing the emotional abuse I went through trying to be her friend would not allow me to do it. I was a baffled that she would still have the audacity to call me as if she she hadn't popped up at my house creeping me the hell out just one month earlier. She never even mentioned her behavior, let alone apologized for it. This just reassures me that keeping distance is the right thing to do.

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jaimie1974

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September 5, 2006, 6:03 am PDT

INCONSIDERATE

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