Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Thanks!

Actually your advice about making other plans and such I've done before. For a long time I'd tell her "if I don't talk to you before Friday night at 6pm, then I'm doing something else".  And she'd call most of the time. But then there was awhile there that i didn't have to do that...I suppose i have to do that again or just brush her off as well.  but brushing her off strikes me as immature and I don't really feel comfortable doing that...but well, I will try some things because i don't want our friendship to stay this way.

Here's an update:  'A' sent me an apology email though it was a little bit like she was trying to justify her crappy behaviour.  Actually one of my other friends used a particular curse word when referring to her.  Anyways, 'A' went on about her starting to be depressed and not wanting to leave the house much so when she does her time's limited and she already promised our other friend to go to her place.  blah blah blah.

Well in the email she apologized and had all this other stuff which tugged at the heart strings.  So i sent an email back basically saying I was annoyed but if she was really sorry then i wasn't going to hold it against her, as long as she remembers to call me if plans change.  I had planned on sitting down with her face to face the next time we see each other but if i don't have to, i won't.

So for right now i'm just waiting to see if she does do this to me again. If she does then we'll have a little more serious discussion.  I see no point in jumping down her throat after an apology. Not yet anyways.

I found out from my friend 'S' that 'A' asked her if i was angry.  'S' said i might be annoyed but she really had to talk to me.  So now 'S' isn't too happy that 'A' is putting her in the middle.

*Sigh* you'd think people our age were a little more mature.  At least the rest of us are willing to talk about this.

Anyways, I'll keep you posted.  I'm trying to be optimistic but something tells me 'A' won't change until I get really angry with her.  We've never had a major fight before and that could very well be what we need to fix or break our relationship.

 Hi all!

           It's been several months since I've posted.

       Need advice again on some troubled friends.

Actually , one of my friends has chilled out- respecting me as I respect her and nothing to complain of there.

But,  the other friend has not changed.

For those who haven't read any of my posts-

I have one friend who insists on playing headgames.

I just don't get it...

     She will leave me hanging when I ask her to a cook-out or any other function- then last minute say she can't come because she made last minute plans with someone else.

          Many times she has done this- truly just putting me on the back burner- just there if she has nothing better to do.

         There's also countless other things she has done such as coming to my house and saying hurtful things like"I could have had a date tonite"

Or just numerous put downs and jabs.

     I really don't need it- I do have a couple staytrue friends and am planning on making more through meeting groups that I've joined.

        I guess I just need opinions/feedback as to why she would treat  me like she does.

      Sometimes it's almost like she finds it amusing to make me feel bad.

She's 20 years my senior-

has not one extra dime in the bank(has to work 2 jobs just to survive)

     Has no relationship- just sexual encounters with men 30 years younger than herself.

She's 58- mother and grandmother. who is really still into "Let's Party"

Hey- that's great-she still has the energy but somehow I don't think she truly is happy with her life-

Maybe that's why she treats me like a piece of !@#&%) ??/

       I just don't know....

any feedback as to why she is doing these things to me?

Should I discontinue hanging out with her?

        After her last episode of blowing my husband and I off - I did send her a very civil e-mail explaining to her how I feel.

        About how she shouldn't  put my family and I on the back burner like we're nothing and how things she says are hurtful.

     That was last week- still haven't heard anything from her.

Usually she calls me on Sunday's to come sit in our Hot tub and have dinner.

            My husband says she is so self absorbed-she's probably offended that I expressed my feelings in my e-mail to her.

I WILL NOT apologize though- I was just expressing my feelings.

        Should I just let her call me?

     And any feedback as to why she may be treating me the way she does would be greatly appreciated.

(sorry so long)

         Thanks.

     Cat   

WOW!

                     I have a couple friends who because THEIR having a tough time in life will try to turn things around and put blame on me.

             I didn't realize others went through thiese types of situations as well.

         Living Well is the Best Revenge- girls-  stay strong!  

I've been best friends with H for a number of years now.  We've managed to stay close friends even though I moved quite a distance away.  When she called & told me she was pregnant, I was thrilled for her.  She also asked if I would come to her baby shower.  I even volunteered to help out with the shower, and purchased favors & prizes for it.  As time went on, I was less than thrilled because H had sent me an e-mail informing me what month she wanted her shower & that she wanted it at a restaurant rather than an informal gathering at someone's house. Fortunately, with her family & friends, we were able to throw the kind of shower that she wanted.

The day of the shower, H was very happy to see me but didn't seem very enthralled about the shower.  I thought perhaps she wasn't feeling well or was overwhelmed, but as the afternoon went on, I really felt that she was unhappy.  H didn't care for the favors I had purchased and wanted to know why we hadn't made the homemade shower favor ideas she has sent us.  (I tried, but I am not crafty).  She complained about the menu and the cake (I verified with her husband as to what foods she liked & disliked).  And when H opened her gifts, she thanked each person, but she didn't seem happy or excited with any of her gifts.

After the shower ended, H & I chatted as we loaded up her gifts.  She admitted to me that she had been pulling up her baby registry each day to see what everyone bought for her!!  I was in total shock - I couldn't believe that she would actually admit to something like that.  As if that wasn't enough, she began complaining about all the gifts she HADN'T received.  Never mind that it took two vehicles to transport everything home, and that she had registered for mostly large items. I was absolutely furious as I drove her home, listening to her go on & on about all the things that she would still have to buy. 

As I dropped H off, her husband came over to say goodbye.  He thanked me for coming to her shower and for all of my help.  As I hugged H goodbye, she told me that she was sorry that I had to leave so soon and to have a safe trip.  I stood there stunned, realizing that she was not going to say thank you.  I drove home in stunned silence.

It's now been almost two weeks since the shower, and I have heard nothing from H.  I am completely baffled, H has always been an incredible friend to me.  When I saw her again, it was like looking a stranger.  I have never seen that side of her personality.  Am I being unfair?  Could this have something to do with her pregnancy, or could she have always been like this and I just never noticed?  I wanted to say something to her, but I didn't feel that it was the right place or time.  I also wanted to give myself time to calm down & gain some perspective, but I can't get it out of mind.  Am I being totally unreasonable, or was H out of line?

I'm currently 28 and I've been friends with M since Grade 2 - when M and I continued to High School, we met L and after that the 3 of us have been good friends.

To make a long story short after high school M decided to move to Holland. L didn't keep contact with her, but M and I emailed each other everyday, we kept in touch often and M told me that she was so thankful for me keeping in touch with her, as she was in a strange country and really enjoyed having some sort of contact with 'home' - for 7 years we stayed in contact and eventually she returned back home to live with her dutch boyfriend.

On returning L started contacting her and they rekindled their friendship - L and I had been friends throughout M being overseas - After a couple of weeks I noticed that M would want to hang out more with L and reguarly I would call them they'd be shopping together or having get togethers at their houses, but not inviting me.

Obviously I started taking this personally and asked them what was wrong with me that I didn't get invited and was told by M that because we kept in contact all that time, she had a lot of 'catching up' to do with L for lost time!!!!! I was quite shocked at this excuse - Eventulaly it would get to the point where they would lie to me eg. I'd ask them what they did on the weekend and they'd say nothing, but then I'd see photos of them together taken the weekend before that they were doing 'nothing'.

I eventually confronted M again about this and wanted to know why she was hurting me like this after I had been such a good friend to her, now that she was back it felt like she just dropped me. I was then told that L and her have more in common (which they dont) - she used the example of them having the same eating patterns - talk about trying to dig for something!!!

I did notice however, that they liked drinking a lot together and I didn't drink as much as them, so therefore my partner and I weren't included - I just thought that our friendship was more than getting drunk together!! I see best friends as going through life without having to have something in common all the time. Best friends is about going through all life stages and sticking together, not only when you have something in common with someone.

Since being told this I've told both girls to get out of my life - Its been a month since I last spoke to them - neither has contacted me either - Its very difficult to one day have friends that you talk to almost every day and that you've known for so long and then to all of a sudden have no-one!

Do you think I've done the right thing - if yes, how do I walk away from this and reailse that I'm better off without people like this in my life?

Are you doing the right thing? Yes, absolutely,  you can't make people deal with you or want to be with you.  They either do or they don't. However, it's not wrong for you to feel hurt, betrayed etc.   You were a good friend and did everything that could have been expected of a friend.  If you're not valued, then you can't make them value you. Maybe with time, they'll miss you, but you can't hang on to that hope.  It's painful, but it's not your fault, but you have no control over this and must for your own self, move on.  Even knowing how it ended up, you don't regret the years you gave to your friend, I'll bet.  That makes you a person who will always have and be a friend. 

You know reading this, the actions of your friend seems like such a shock and surprise to you, I wonder if some hormones have kicked in-- [kinda like the bridezilla effect-- it's all about me and what I think I deserve and want.   Women have an idea of how something should go, and then expect everyone to mind read and when things don't turn out exactly as they dreamed they're disappointed. ]

If you are close, I feel you should be able to talk to her about anything [including this]  maybe she doesn't know how she came off.  Maybe talk about things from your side of things-- I once had a friend say, "and I am supposed to be the smart one of we two,"  Well, I am slouch so I asked her exactly what she meant.  She turned red and apologized.

I think this could be fixable, but it would require effort on your part to be gracious in your characterization of the events of that day and a willingness to admit frailities on your friend's part.  Your friendship seems to mean a great deal to you.  Then it's worth the effort. Good luck.