Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

I have a friend. I have known her now for just over a year. In the course of our friendship she has distanced herself many times from me. She has even said to me, on 2 occasions that she may distance me and I should not take it personally.

This last case of her pushing me away has been longer. She only calls me when she needs something. I try and call her and she is too busy, cuts me off and never calls back. I have tried to get together with her but she will say she is too tired. Then I will find out later she went out with someone else. I take this behavior as a big red flag that this friendship is going no where. I have talked to her in the past about it and she has said that is just how she is and she does it to everyone. But in the beginning , the first 6 months she was not like this.

She has a drinking problem and I am almost sure this may contribute to her behavior. I have never before dealt with a person like this and I am not so sure if I can continue doing so. I feel hurt each time it happens, and now I feel myself wanting to withdraw from her.

Any suggestions? I feel I need to end this friendship but not so sure how to.

I know this is long but I am hopeful/yet confused..and insight would be GREAT.... I met a man 2 yrs agoThings seem to be going fine however as weeks went by I noticed he still had a number of an old friend he went to school with and after his 2 divorces he hooked up with her but this time as FRIENDS w/ BENEFITS...(prior to meeting me he was jumping between 2 women just for sex...he stated he had a hatred towards women until he met me..)however as time when on he said because of me his attitude toward women changed however his actions didn't show that....I asked him several time if he slept with this FRIEND and he told me no (I know I know that was a mistake on my part because what he did BEFORE we met is none of my business and I agree 110%) however I asked him several wks later again (HE STILL HAS HER NUMBER IN HIS PHONE) and he admitted yes he did sleep with her...well he still would not get rid of the number...Now keep in mind that prior to knowing he slept with her I was for the first time in my life willingly willing to accept that the man that I was dating had another woman's number because I felt if she is JUST a friend then I would one day meet her..however after learning he slept with her and I told him I didn't feel comfortable about him keeping her number he says to me WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF I HAVE HER NUMBER...ITS NOT LIKE I AM USING IT....now knowing how I am I didn't feel that was true...I felt that all he did was replace the other women he was sleeping with with me...(I should had walked away at that time) I didn't walk away but my self esteem went down hill. I tried to over come that but as time went on things started going down hill. I would ask him how his day went he would tell me "FINE!!" (he wasn't much of a talker) so I would ask what he did that day (keep in mind this was the only way to get a conversation out of him) however when I asked him what he did he would say to me "WHAT DOES IT MATTER? IT DIDN'T"T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU SO ITS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" now he states he only said that once or twice but once is one time too many for me.... I remember telling him I enjoy talking to him over the phone since we didn't get to see each other that often during the week due to our work schedules (he worked days; I worked nights)...and he stated "it didn't matter to him if he talked to me daily or seen me daily or not" however his actions cause me to respond in negative ways with accusations and not necessarily about other women as much as they were about him not caring for me.... but he was able to always make me second guess myself....THINGS WERENT GOOD AFTER THATI own my own home and have 3 teenagers that live with me part timethey did help me when asked but on the wk ends I didn't have them (kids) I didnt feel it was right to call them over to help me just so I could go out of town with this man when I felt that if he truly wanted me to go with him he would help mebut when I would ask him to help he would say GET YOUR KIDS TO HELPyou seem to do do do for them the least they can do is help you.(well I did for him in many ways too.yes sex)I would buy him cards just to say those sweet things that we ALL like to hear and when I told him "YOU KNOW I LIKE GETTING THOSE THINGS TOO"he told me "I DON"T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THOSE STUPID CARDS" I know call me stupid..

3 months ago I called him on his lunch break and he answered...we talked 30 seconds at the most and hung up because he was talking with a co-worker (male)..a few days later I called him again on his break and he didn't answer when I asked why he stated "I AM NOT GOING TO ANSWER MY PHONE WHEN I AM WITH MY FRIEND AND ITS YOU THAT IS CALLING BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE TO THEM" (I know call me STUPID)....however he tried to tell me the way it came out is not how he meant it....well several days later when we were talking he could tell that something was wrong and when I told him that his words he stated were laying heavy on my heart he tells me "I DON'T CARE HOW THOSE WORDS MADE YOU FEEL I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS"... I said fine....well after getting over the shock of the reason he broke up with me I got the attitude of "its over" I started to work on healing from the confusion and the hell and hurt we BOTH put each other throughout the past two year.... well its been 3 months since he broke up with me and he is trying to get back with me....he is good with his words.."SWEET" words so good that he could melt the artic circle with them....however part of me thinks if he wasn't sincere then he would had given up weeks ago but then the other part (maybe my ego) tells me that he really hasn't changed...because when I remind him that he broke up with me he tells me "NO I DIDN'T" I then remind him of that days conversation...he then turns it to the reason he broke up with me was because of my accusations....(we started fresh and had been going on a month and I never said anything negative to him)...I remind him that all I stated was that his words were laying heavy on my heart and that is when he stated he didn't care...blah blah blah..... since he has been trying to get back with me he has went from telling me how much he loves me to if I (me Trish) walks away I will have regrets because he is the great person....and that I will NEVER find another man with his qualities...which is a good paying job, not bad looking, loyal, honest, trustworthy.....blah blah blah... please give insight....thanks

If you have teenage kids you are old enough to know a jackass when you see one.  Of course he is saying everything you want to hear until he gets what he wants.  Trust me it will only last a little while....well it really has already started.  Any guy or girl that tells you how great they are and how you will regret giving them up to get you back is full of Sh*&.  And we as women want to fix them all and have that stupid foolish idea that maybe this time it will be better, right or the way we want it. 

Think again sister this guy is playing you and will just do the same thing again.  Think about all the crazy crap that happened, how mean does he have to be?  Would you let him slap you and go back for more?  I know that happens too, but really do you want to feel all of that crap again?  It never changes, never, never, never.

I have been trying to tell my 17 y/o daughter this about her jackass, and she keeps going back and she keeps calling me to come get her crying that he is hitting her, or verbally or mentally abusing her.  I try and maker her stay away but unfortunately it is against the law to tie our kids up.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of him.  I have been in many abusive relationships and the first one was the hardest to get out of, the second one didn't take as long, by the 5th one I started to recognize things before the relationship started and I would end it before it happened.

I am proof positive that there are great guys out there and if you change what you look for and you change some of your behavior you will find one.  Stop being a victim and start living your life for you.  Don't take abuse of anyking from anyone, you are the most important person to you and if you don't love yourself right nobody else will either.

My favorite quote by Albert Einstein says it all:  The significant problems we face cannot be soved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Good Luck and God Bless

*sorry if I misspelled anything I did not have time to proof read.

I know this is long but I am hopeful/yet confused..and insight would be GREAT.... I met a man 2 yrs agoThings seem to be going fine however as weeks went by I noticed he still had a number of an old friend he went to school with and after his 2 divorces he hooked up with her but this time as FRIENDS w/ BENEFITS...(prior to meeting me he was jumping between 2 women just for sex...he stated he had a hatred towards women until he met me..)however as time when on he said because of me his attitude toward women changed however his actions didn't show that....I asked him several time if he slept with this FRIEND and he told me no (I know I know that was a mistake on my part because what he did BEFORE we met is none of my business and I agree 110%) however I asked him several wks later again (HE STILL HAS HER NUMBER IN HIS PHONE) and he admitted yes he did sleep with her...well he still would not get rid of the number...Now keep in mind that prior to knowing he slept with her I was for the first time in my life willingly willing to accept that the man that I was dating had another woman's number because I felt if she is JUST a friend then I would one day meet her..however after learning he slept with her and I told him I didn't feel comfortable about him keeping her number he says to me WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF I HAVE HER NUMBER...ITS NOT LIKE I AM USING IT....now knowing how I am I didn't feel that was true...I felt that all he did was replace the other women he was sleeping with with me...(I should had walked away at that time) I didn't walk away but my self esteem went down hill. I tried to over come that but as time went on things started going down hill. I would ask him how his day went he would tell me "FINE!!" (he wasn't much of a talker) so I would ask what he did that day (keep in mind this was the only way to get a conversation out of him) however when I asked him what he did he would say to me "WHAT DOES IT MATTER? IT DIDN'T"T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU SO ITS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" now he states he only said that once or twice but once is one time too many for me.... I remember telling him I enjoy talking to him over the phone since we didn't get to see each other that often during the week due to our work schedules (he worked days; I worked nights)...and he stated "it didn't matter to him if he talked to me daily or seen me daily or not" however his actions cause me to respond in negative ways with accusations and not necessarily about other women as much as they were about him not caring for me.... but he was able to always make me second guess myself....THINGS WERENT GOOD AFTER THATI own my own home and have 3 teenagers that live with me part timethey did help me when asked but on the wk ends I didn't have them (kids) I didnt feel it was right to call them over to help me just so I could go out of town with this man when I felt that if he truly wanted me to go with him he would help mebut when I would ask him to help he would say GET YOUR KIDS TO HELPyou seem to do do do for them the least they can do is help you.(well I did for him in many ways too.yes sex)I would buy him cards just to say those sweet things that we ALL like to hear and when I told him "YOU KNOW I LIKE GETTING THOSE THINGS TOO"he told me "I DON"T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THOSE STUPID CARDS" I know call me stupid..

3 months ago I called him on his lunch break and he answered...we talked 30 seconds at the most and hung up because he was talking with a co-worker (male)..a few days later I called him again on his break and he didn't answer when I asked why he stated "I AM NOT GOING TO ANSWER MY PHONE WHEN I AM WITH MY FRIEND AND ITS YOU THAT IS CALLING BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE TO THEM" (I know call me STUPID)....however he tried to tell me the way it came out is not how he meant it....well several days later when we were talking he could tell that something was wrong and when I told him that his words he stated were laying heavy on my heart he tells me "I DON'T CARE HOW THOSE WORDS MADE YOU FEEL I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS"... I said fine....well after getting over the shock of the reason he broke up with me I got the attitude of "its over" I started to work on healing from the confusion and the hell and hurt we BOTH put each other throughout the past two year.... well its been 3 months since he broke up with me and he is trying to get back with me....he is good with his words.."SWEET" words so good that he could melt the artic circle with them....however part of me thinks if he wasn't sincere then he would had given up weeks ago but then the other part (maybe my ego) tells me that he really hasn't changed...because when I remind him that he broke up with me he tells me "NO I DIDN'T" I then remind him of that days conversation...he then turns it to the reason he broke up with me was because of my accusations....(we started fresh and had been going on a month and I never said anything negative to him)...I remind him that all I stated was that his words were laying heavy on my heart and that is when he stated he didn't care...blah blah blah..... since he has been trying to get back with me he has went from telling me how much he loves me to if I (me Trish) walks away I will have regrets because he is the great person....and that I will NEVER find another man with his qualities...which is a good paying job, not bad looking, loyal, honest, trustworthy.....blah blah blah... please give insight....thanks

Thank you so much for responding...you are not saying anything i haven't thought of myself or been told by everyone around me....but for some reason its hard to let go completely...but you are right....though he said he has changed (said before in the past also) i have talked to him sevral times and we argue and he says demeaning things to me....but why is it so hard to let go...i have a really GREAT guy that is interested in me and we have a BLAST just talking on the phone....but i keep making up reasons not to be with him....

Oh my goodness how stupid am I....

he said he has changed and i want to beleive that but at the same time i don't want to waste anymore of my life to find out....

sorry to hear about your daughter i do so hope she opens her eyes....just like i need too...