Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

I have recently been very hurt by best friend of 23 years. She has been living with a man for 9 years. He has had three past affairs. Although I firmly do not believe in cheating, I saw him in social situations for her sake. He now has had a full blown 18 month relationship with another woman. Upon finding out, she went into a deep depression,  and I was there for her. She stated to me that she never wanted to see him again. One week later, on a Friday, she called me to tell me she was marrying him the next day. He had requested to talk to me earlier in the week, and I told her I had nothing to say to him. She had many excuses why she had not told me about the wedding that I was NOT invited to. Bottom line, there was a ceremony with 24 people present ,and I was not one of them. At this point I am ready to give this friendship up. I feel it is toxic to be around someone that has so little self esteem, self respect, and dependence on a

deceptive man. She has not contacted me in any way since the wedding. I must add that she made him sign a pre-nup that said if either of them cheated, the other one got the condo. This is so ridiculous that I am embarrassed to for them. What should I do? 

still need encouragement PLEASE..respond because i need alot of support and encouragement to get through this....

 

thank you so much for all the responses and telling me things to help open my eyes.  I agree with what he wouldn't be saying however he has said if we get back together i will do everything i can to show you what you mean to me and how important you are in my life...however since saying those words he has said negative things to me such as being hard headed, that my ego is keeping me from trying...but i feel its my ego that is trying to protect me....i know he isn't good from me yet i can't understand why he has such a hold on me....thats where i feel i am stupid...because i see and know this yet i am having a hard time letting go...

 

and your right my self esteem is low...

 

may i ask a question to you women....and PLEASE give me an HONEST answer  because when i told him how his statement made me feel he said well its the truth she is and men would and your making a big deal out of nothing..

 

he once told me that his first EX wife is GORGEOUS and that no man on this earth would disagree with him....(NOW I HAVE SEEN A PIC OF HER AND I HAVE TO AGREE WITH HER BEING ATTRACTIVE) HE HAS NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING LIKE THAT UNTIL AFTER HE MADE THAT STATEMENT ABOUT THE EX THEN HE COMES BACK WITH WELL I THINK YOU PRETTY...

 

MY QUESTION IS...IF YOU HAD A MAN MAKE THE ABOVE STATEMENT TO YOU HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?  IT MADE ME FEEL THAT I WASN'T ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH AND COULDN'T STAND UP TO THAT STANDARD....

 

I want to thank all that have taken the time to read my story and giving me input...my family and friends are starting to become weary...

I have just put my 46 year old brother on notice not to come near my family or me until he has changed his ways. Our father died when I was 6 and he was 10. We have 2 older brothers. My Mum worked 18hr days to get us through. He has been an angry, arrogant, mean and insulting person for as long as I can remember. When he drinks, he drinks too much and then all his rubbish comes up. Generally it is directed at me. He calls me names, he ridicules my husband and he has the unbeleivable need to tell everyone how much sex  he and his new (13 yrs younger) second wife are having. Including my children who are 13 and 15. He is horribble to the rest of my family as well. We all feel the same way but no one ever said anything. I have had enough. It was time to cut the rot from my life. I love him but I can't stand to be around him. I feel releif from what I have done yet I still feel sad. This was a week ago and I haven't heard from him. I didn't expect to. Have I done the right thing?

You know you can continue to ask the same questions with different words and you will continue to get the same answers from everyone.  What are you waiting for the one person who is feeling as low as you and who is in the same or similar boat to tell you "it's ok it will get better stick in there."  Anybody in their right mind is not going to tell you that. 

 

Quit waiting for what you want to hear, because you are not going to hear it.  It's time to Sh*& or get off the pot girl.  Take care of #1

 

If you can't do it alone then get some help.  Go check out a CODA meeting (Codependence Anonymous)  look on line or in your phone book or local paper.  Someone in AA can point you in the right direction.

 

Your answers to all of your questions are right here in the last responses you received and they are the same. 

 

Change your phone #, screen your calls, get a cat, but don't talk to him.

 

Good Luck!

It is really difficult to tell someone you love that you will no longer enable them with their addictions.  I had to tell my 17 year old daughter that our home was a drug free home and she could not use and live in our home.  She told me she would leave and so I let her know that if she chose drugs over home she was completely cutting her ties with her family.  NO food, money, phone calls or visits.  She is still home and clean for 5 days now.

 

You so did the right thing!  You will be in my prayers and thoughts as I ask God for the strength to continue being tough with my love for my daughter.

 

You know addicts will only hate you as long as they are active in their addiction.  I would rather my daughter hate me and learn something than to love me, learn nothing at all and die.

 

Good Luck to you.

      Hi, I'm not sure what to do about my relationship with my closest friend, I'm beginning to think we may just be too different for us to continue to be friends. I would really appreciate advice from anyone.
     First, a little background information. I'm a straight girl and my closest friend is a gay guy, we're both in our 20s. We have been close friends for a few years, ever since he came out to me. I'm not normally a person who has close friends, in fact I can think of one other person in my life I have been this close to and I was very little at the time so it was a different type of friendship.
     He is very outgoing, extroverted, spontaneous, risk-tasking, and loves excitement, new people and situations. I am introverted, planned, and cautious, but I am also open-minded and enjoy meeting new people and trying new things. I enjoy being friends with him partially because he is so different from me, I appreciate, and know he does too, that we balance each other out.
      The problem is that he can be very inconsiderate sometimes. We will go somewhere where I know no one and am not familiar with the environment and he will just leave me alone with no way out. He doesn't understand why this sort of thing upsets me because if he was in the same situation he wouldn't really care. He skipped out on my 21st birthday because he wanted to hang out with other people. Despite the fact that a few days later (I was leaving the country for an extended period of time) he was hanging on me and telling me he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me and begging me to hold and kiss him. Most of these ridiculous things he does when he's drinking and I think he does have a drinking problem and have told him this. I have talked to him multiple times about how unacceptable I find the way he treats me and I feel like he sincerely wants to understand but cannot (I hope I am not just deluding myself), and his behavior does not change. He tells me he doesn't know how to empathize or care and it's not specific to me. I don't understand this because sometimes it really seems as if he is empathizing. When he saw a card my dad had sent me to apologize he cried because he knew how important it was to me (and he rarely cries). He emailed me nearly every day for four months when I was out of the country. He is clearly upset when we argue as am I and neither of us want to have these arguments anymore.
     We both want to be friends and I don't think either of us want to "win" the argument more than we just want things to work out, but we have the same arguments over and over and can't seem to get past them no matter how much we try to talk them through. I'm starting to wonder if it's just coming from essential aspects of our personality that neither of us will ever change. Are we too different to be friends? Should I just call it quits? I would really appreciate any insight or advice.  

This is my first time posting here so please bear with me! I'm questioning my ability to maintain friendships right now. Two women have cut me out of their lives within the last year, my SIL is being frosty towards me and a couple of other casual friendships have fallen by the wayside. When I think about why this may be, I'm baffled. I haven't changed as a person but my life has changed in lots of ways.

 

I was a single mum for 8 years before I met my husband. We married within 18 months and now have two more children. I studied for several years, put myself through university while raising my daughter so that I could create a good future for us. I'm now a writer and journalist and recently landed my first book deal. I work from home, fitting my work around my children's sleep patterns. My husband has a good job and we have a happy family life. However, I certainly don't go around 'boasting' about how happy I am - quite the opposite. I rarely talk about myself unless asked. I prefer to focus on my friend's lives, asking them lots of questions, listening, etc. I'm a loyal person and wouldn't dream of breaking a confidence.

 

I live a long way from my home town. I moved here when I married my husband. It's only since I've been here that I'm having friendship problems. My family are in my home town. My husband works long hours so I raise the children alone most of the time. We rarely go out as we don't have babysitters ... but I enjoy my children's company and am passionate about my work. I'm content with my life but would LOVE to have a best friend to have fun with and share good times.

 

I had friends in my home town - one for over 10 years. Many of them fizzled out due to changes in circumstances, etc. My 10 year friendship fizzled out this year. I have finally accepted that it is too one sided to continue. I call her, email her and visit her when I am in my hometown. However, she rarely contacts me and in the 5 years I have been living here, she has only visited once - for my wedding. This past 6 months, she has not contacted me at all. At our wedding, she was openly hostile towards me. She was our matron of honour, yet disappeared to the bathroom when the photos were being taken (so she's not in any), left the wedding dance at 9pm (while it was just warming up) and didn't help with any of the wedding preparations.

 

I made friends with two women in this town (they didn't know each other). We met regularly for coffee, toddler groups etc. One friendship lasted a few months. She stopped calling about 10 months ago and the other stopped calling 6 months ago (we'd been friends for over a year and regularly got together at each other's houses with our husband and children). The former has now moved away so we've lost contact altogether. The second lives in my neighbourhood but ignores me in the street. She also ignores my children when they say hi and my husband. I find her behaviour extremely odd as we've not fallen out over anything. There were no crossed words - nothing. If I say hello, she ignores me. Her immediate neighbours ignore me too, despite me previously getting on well with them.

 

I emailed her a couple of months ago and she didn't reply. It was friendly and chatty. I asked after her children and how things were going with her college studies. I mentioned getting together sometime. No reply. My SIL sees her regularly as they have been friends for a long time. SIL is also friendly with the other girl who moved away.

 

I've always got on with SIL but things have become tense the last few months. I've no idea why. She keeps throwing digs at me and is being awkward about various things. Whereas before, she'd invite me places with her other friends, now she doesn't invite me. I appreciate that she probably wants to spend time with them alone and I'm fine with that. However, it's odd how she suddenly stopped inviting me and doesn't call half as much.

 

I'm concentrating on making other friends. However, some feedback on the above would be appreciated! When I mentioned to SIL about the mutual friends who were shunning me, she said she had no idea why as they'd not said anything to her.

 

 

I appreciate your reply very much. It's not that he has an addiction so much as the fact that he has some kind of unresolved issue that his drinking stirs up. I think he has not dealt with our fathers death yet. I think he feels some kind of betrayal and he takes this out on me because I am the closest family member. Dad died 36 years ago and the rest of us, as hard as it was, have come to terms with it and moved on in our lives. He is still angry and I don't know why. I hope that by my stopping any contact with him, he might step back and have a good look at why he is so angry all the time. I told him he needs to get professional help to sort this out. I hope in time he will see that I am trying to help him. "Tough Love".

Once again thank you  and good luck with your daughter. I hope she is able to see the best path through life is the one that is the roughest but paved with the most love.

I have had a female friend for about 2 years now. (the relationship is strictly friends) For the last couple of weeks i have noticed us growing apart. She is starting to hang out with the "wrong"
crowd (drugs and sex) she had a "good" boyfriend that was completely drug free and now that they are no longer going out, she seems to be finding the worst people to fall in love with. Her newest one is a crack head.  She has completely ditched me for this other guy......I read messages on her myspace that she is asking this guy to come to her house tonight because she will be alone and after reading this i called her to see if she wanted to go to the movies but she "had to go to the store" she is lieing to me and making me feel horrible. We have such good memories......she was the closest friend i have ever had.....I want to end the relationship but i feel that i have too much "history" with her......I keep remembering the good times and keep hoping that she will go back to being her "old" self, the person that is my best friend who i love.

Should i end the relationship or try to salvage it? my heart says to stick with it.....but my gut says i need to end this friendship.

 

Please Please Please give me your opinion on this matter

 

Thanks

Since she is your friend I would say you should sit her down and have it out with her. It is the only way you will a true  result. It sounds to me like she is running away from something. You were the distraction she needed for 2 years but now she has grown close to you and is scared of letting her guard down so she thinks it's time to find a new distraction. I have a friend who is doing the same thing. She is the sister I never had. We have a history of 36 years and I feel as though I don't know her anymore. I sat her down and got to the bottom of her issue and even after that she still treats me as an inconvenience. She drinks too much and is pushing away everyone close to her.

I have had to let her go. I have to look after myself and my family. I keep an eye on her but she won't let me in. She contacts me from time to time and I have to accept that.

If you can find out what is troubling her you may be able to sort through it with her. If she won't let you in then you just have to let go. You can lead a horse to water. The most important thing is that you let her know you are there if she needs you. She may find that once she has a taste of this "New Life" she doesn't like it and she will need a soft place to fall. Just let her know you will be there. It's all you can do.