Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

I suppose "toxic" could be a fad description.....it depends on who is using it and how. I know that for many, many years I had a close friend who became less and less of a friend and more of a burden, she was totaly toxic, but I let her know why I felt that way. I think it is cruel to just not want to be friends with someone and give no explaination. But on the other hand, what if that person just feels too hurt and/or betrayed by the toxic person, feeling like they can't tell the person the reasons why they are toxic because that person would only deny it anyway? I know I felt that way to a degree before I told my ex-toxic friend why I didn't want to be friends anymore...I knew she would just deny the things I would say, so I did it in a letter, that way she can't interupt me and turn it around to make it my fault, because she was a master at that! 

So anyway, being a toxic person to me would be anything that is not healthy for a friendship, being judgemental, bossy, etc. Its hard to look at our faults, so I commend you for wanting to know what it is that is toxic about you and having the desire to change that.  

Thank you to all who answered my question about the Definition of Toxic. I am still sort of unclear as to the blanket definition. It is a such a popular term but the definition seems to be up to the individual labeling the offensive person (i.e. The Toxic Person) which I don't believe to be a fair thing. I could label someone Toxic because I don't like the fact that they don't like pink the same way I do-- I mean, it is a fad description run amok.   

   

   

   

I think that putting the reasons in a letter for a friend with whom you choose to sever contact is an excellent idea. However, please make sure that this letter actually explains the reasons and doesn't just resort to name calling and being hateful. Hurtful, accusatory letters don't make the person you are addressing feel any better.  

   

   

I don't know. I suppose the reason I am so intrigued by this question is that I don't think I will ever have the opportunity to sit and discuss this issue with the person in question because they are unwilling to even entertain the idea of a simple discussion to try and work out the issues. It is very hard for me to get past the idea that someone out there in the world wants nothing to do with me and has nothing but hateful things to say to anyone they can about me.   

   

   

They (this mother and daughter who have hurt me so) that I am toxic, and evil and that I need help. Well maybe I do need some help, but I have never thought of myself as being evil. This whole situation (see my blog http://diaryofabully.blogspot.com/ for the whole story) has caused me so much pain, but I can also say that it has caused me to examine myself very closely.  

   

   

I have gone through and dissected the friendship that I supposedly spent the better part of (as they accuse me) bullying my friend and "underminding her". I can't understand their accusations because realistically I didn't spend enough time with "Danielle" to have time to bully her. We weren't that close, but that makes the situation even more hurtful.   

   

I just need help in dealing with this accusation that she (and her mother) find me to be "an indecent person" for no apparent reason. At least they refuse to give me a reason. Instead they want to talk to all my friends and try to convince them that I am no good, and that I am dangerous.   

   

   

Luckily, all my friends think that she is crazy. I honestly can't see how I have ever offended her in the ways that she claims.  I am honestly trying to figure this out. I know that I am not perfect but I have been able to maintain healthy relationships, and this is the only one that has turned out to be this way.   

   

   

I can't completely understand why it hurts me so, but it does-- and I am still in the process of trying to figure it all out. I am still researching some clinical definitions of toxic friend, but it appears to me that it is a personal definition.   

   

   

If it is, indeed, a personal definition then it stands to reason that a person could make up reasons to get rid of someone else? Most of my good friends, and family have postulated that perhaps Danielle and her mother wanted an excuse to get rid of me as a friend?  

   

   

I have also heard that there are those people who routinely "clean out" their friends list. I have always thought this to be a rather cold and unfeeling thing to do. What ever happened to loyalty? Working out problems instead of dropping a friend faster than a bad habit?   

   

   

I have never been through this before and it is my first experience dealing with all out rejection like this. I am sorry if I seem obsessive or something, but I am trying to work it out and I feel like if I figure it out then I can get on with my life.   

I was wondering if it sounds plausible that these people could be falsely accusing me in order to get attention for themselves?   

  

False Victimization Syndrome:      

      

      

This occurs when an individual attempts to convince others that he or she is being stalked, victimized or bullied through the invention of claims made to re-establish a failing relationship and/or gain attention (Zona, Palarea, and Lane, 1998). Individuals who exhibit these characteristics may also fit the criteria for histrionic personality disorder (DSM-IV, 1994): demanding to be the center of attention, shallow expression of emotions which shift rapidly, and speaks in a manner that is overly impressionistic and lacking in detail.      

      

In these very frustrating cases, the stalker may believe that he is the victim. Sometimes he even reports his victim to the police as having stalked him . . . . In these cases, the true stalker is usually the one who initiated contact, although this is not always so. . . . In reality, this kind of stalker suffers from a severe lack of self esteem. He feels very inferior to the victim whom he admires greatly, although he will rarely admit this to be true. These stalkers, believing themselves to be inferior to, or wronged or rejected by the ones they admire most, begin harassing and following the victims, spreading tales, keeping tabs, and in many instances plotting revenge. . . . In false victimization syndrome, the stalker is extremely manipulative. Very frequently he convinces himself and others that the victim is the one at fault, when in truth the victim frequently would have had no contact with or knowledge of the stalker if the stalker had not begun a campaign against him. Often the victim is reported to the authorities for defending himself from the stalker. . . . Frequently delusional and always irrational, when presented with the facts, this stalker will rationalize and manipulate everything he can and ignore even a direct question, in order to preserve his fantasy of being the victim. He will initiate conflicts and then twist them in his favor in an attempt to gain positive attention for himself. He wants, in a nutshell, to be like his victim and when he feels that he does not measure up, his motive is to bring his victim down. Sometimes this means merely trying to ruin his victim's reputation by spreading lies and rumors. Other times, this means murder.     

Girl, I think its only natural to be a little "obsessive" about this-- these people have "dumped" you, given you no actual reason that you can understand, and they are spreading nasty things about you. It would only be human to obsess a bit about your situation! Like you said, its never happened to you before.  

I'm willing to bet you will come out of this a better person. You are willing to examine yourself and your actions, to admit your faults, and to do your best to try to be a better person. This person and her mother sound like hurtful, manipulative people, its actually quite childish. I know its easy to say "forget about them!" but hard to really do that, because this has been very hurtful for  you.  

Have you read any of dr. Phil's books? His books "life strategies" and "self matters" are both really good, you should read either one of them. Its helpful to have guidance when you are going through a personal growing spurt, thats what I felt I was going through when I read the books.  

Listen, you can try to define the meaning of "toxic friend" for the rest of your life, but its not going to help you to heal and move forward...it doesn't really matter what the real definition is, its different for each person who uses the term. For reasons that are not understandable, these people don't want to be your friend any longer. Its their loss...move forward and enjoy the friends you do have. I wish you the best!! You will be happy and have many more friendships. 

"anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused."  

   

" I mean that this toxic person undermines whatever you've done or have.  If he downplays the importance of an award you've won, or derides a job you're proud to do, or belittles the things in which you believe"  

   

I believe that Danielle and her mother fit this definition:  

  

The User as a Toxic Friend:
This person only has friends as long as he/she can use them for some purpose or goal of his/her own. This person could be the most harmful of toxic friends.  

  

Then again I think we could all be a little bit toxic in different periods of our lives, but I believe that I have been the victim of someone who used me as long as she could and when she I wanted to just be her normal friend (not her "college friend" while she was still in high school) and not her decorative center piece at parties or a reference so people could think that she was cool because she knew someone who was smart and won awards etc.   

  

  

When she couldn't get anything else from me she turned it all around on me and claimed I was toxic!   

Thank you Jen for your very sweet message. I am feeling better due to the fact that I have supportive messages (like yours), and I have been doing some research. I have read both books by Dr. Phil. (I am sort of a reading freak-- I read like other people eat...haha) The more I research, examine and think about my situation the more I have come to realize that these women are just people that are into using other people.  

  

I feel 100% better about the fact that this relationship is over because I realize that I didn't lose a friend-- I lost a leech, a pretender, and drama-queen. As mean as it sounds, I have had to understand that this person has done this to countless people. I just got in touch with at least 3 other people who have been hurt by Danielle and her mother in similar manner. It seems (as the evidence from my research and soul-searching falls into place) that they are Serial Toxic Friends. They use people, and then drop them amoungst accusations that the person they used is horrible.  

  

It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in the way these women treated me. That there is a whole handful of other people who have had similar experiences with these people. I am really and truly working past being angry at Danielle, and have progressed to the point where I feel really bad for her.  

  

I look back at her and how she behaved and I realize-- that she never had anyone as her close friend, she never had anyone to talk to-- she is almost emotionally and mentally incapable of maintaining relationships with people she can't suck dry. The bell rings and I realize that I never really knew her and that the person she was in front of me was an act. She and her mother are very sad, lonely people. 

  

I am going to take Jen's advice and rejoice in all my family and friends that love me. I have best friends of 8 years (all 10 of us grew up together on the same street), my Best Friend of almost 15 years (we met in 1rst grade!), my boyfriend of 3 years and my twin brother. I have plenty of love and encouragement to sustain me and the loss of this girl in my life is a mere blip on the radar.  

  

Thank you to Jen and the other people on here that have helped me to realize this. You pulled me out of a hole-- and it is very much appreciated.  

Wow!!!  I guess I just didn't realize how many people have toxic friends...I truly thought I was the only one.  Several people in my life told me over years that I was in a bad friendship and it took a long time for me to finally admit it to myself.  I am one to "fix" things and I honestly thought I could do something to "fix" this person; however, I FINALLY saw the light!!!!  I felt soooooo guilty for a long time - even now I still have those feeling come up - but I definitely know things are better for me and for her.  thanks to everyone for sharing their situations.  It really helps knowing you're not alone.

Hello,     

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.     

thanks in advance ;0)     

You are so lucky that you have many close friends and family to help you move forward and get over the past hurt. I'm glad to hear that you feel that you have begun to actually feel sorry for this girl, because you are right, she is the one who has serious problems. It takes time to heal these kinds of wounds, but you will come out a better person because you will now see her type of person from a mile away and know not to get involved with them! Good luck to you always!

I wouldn't mind betting the phrase "toxic" originated with the psychologist Susan Forward.  In her book "Toxic Parents" she compares the emotional damage various types of parents do to their children as being like a chemical toxin - something which grows and spreads and causes more and more pain.  ("Toxic In-laws" is actually the better book in my opinion if you want to read something more to get a better idea of what she means.)  

  

If it's any help I've read your story and I agree with one of your earlier posts - Danielle used you as an excuse/reason for something and didn't know how to retract her accusation when her mother started taking action to make sure you didn't continue with the acquaintance.