Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Ending Toxic Friendships

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chillin'

June 10, 2007, 5:12 pm PDT

update on neighbor

Quote From: tmmm2915

My neighbor unfortunately did not get the message when I stopped answering my door. Two weeks ago she knocked on the door, gave me some old stale bread and started telling me how broke she was.

A few hours later after deciding I had enough I went to get another neighbor as a witness and took her bread back to her and asked her to please not make me anything anymore and spend her money on her own family and told her she needed to ask the Army for help. I told her I cant help her. Then I told her she was stressing me out. I didnt think we should be friends anymore.

She gave me a look that could melt the skin off your face and then tried to apologize and I walked away.

She appears to be envolved with illegal activities at this point.

I just had the same experiance with a toxic neighbor. After one year of not talking to her she called me letting me know that she moved back in the area-telling me how I was her only friend (I wonder why). I resisted telling her how stressed out and aggravated she makes me, instead I just wished her well and hung up without making any plans to spend time with her.

People like that try to push their way into your life because everyone else has caught on. Your kindness and compassion attracts them to you and they are hard to get rid of- especially when you reward their unnerving bahavoir by giving in to their wishes to keep from hurting their feelings.

Just be proud of yourself for standing up for your own boundaries and remember- No one can ride your back if you don't bend it.

Congratulations and well wishes.

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summerly70

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June 25, 2007, 11:35 am PDT

22 year friendship - down the drain

The past year, I have been very busy with school. I am two days away from finishing a full-time master's program in elementary education. I have the summer off before I begin a 13-week student teaching practicum in the fall. Limited time and even more limited funds - due to tuition, loans, and diabetes (diabetes + noinsurance = $$$) - have left me unable to do all the things I used to do, but I have been ok with it.

My best friend, however, has not.

Two days ago, she chose to end our 22 year friendship. Why? I honestly don't know. She gave me a laundry list of reasons, but none of them make any sense to me. They all seem so very irrational and demanding. She told me off and refuses to listen to anything I have to say. So,I guess that's that.

I am shocked, hurt, and confused. I feel so alone right now.

I am trying so hard to look at the big picture... and yet, I keep looking away... because it hurts to see how truly unhealthy this friendship may have been for me.

A little background.... I have been out of work (full-time work) for the greater part of the last two and a half years. This was by choice. I had spent far too many years in corporate america and wanted out. It's just not my thing. It doesn't fit my personality, who I am, or what I want out of life. But it was good money, and over the years I had saved enough to be able to take a year or so off from working. I have to say, it's been fun. =)

The reason I mention this is because, in that time, my best friend has had my nearly undivided attention. In fact, she has for the last 7 years. She has gone through a multitude of life changes - engaged, planning a wedding, the ceremony, the pregnancy and first child, the new house,the second and third child, the second house, the fourth and fifth children (twins) - as well as some scary, touch-n-go illnesses in those years that almost took her life. I have been a constant in all those years - by her side the entire time. Only a phone call away and there for her and her kids and her entire family (parents and sisters) every single time she needed me. I have had other friends tell me that I do more for her than they've ever seen any friend do for another. But I was only doing what I thought best friends do.

So, in all that time, my life has remained rather stagnant. Partly by my own doing,and partly just life itself. But back in August, I started school and a part-time nanny job (3 days a week). And she has given me grief ever since.

She sarcastically refers to the family I nanny for as my "other family" and she gets aggravated when I have to say no to an afternoon/night out because I have homework to do. She was mad that on a snow day, I had called another friend instead of calling her. I'll email her about something that happened at school or with my neice and nephew or about a race or to ask how her kids are... and if she responds at all, it's with dates that she needs a sitter.

It's just all gone downhill since I started school. And it hurts me to think that the first time my life takes a turn for the better, she can't handle it. My sister thinks that my best friend's life has hit a plateau... in 7years, she got married, bought her first house, sold it, bought her second house and had 5 kids - including twins. Now what? She's not getting all the attention she was so used to getting - attention that she absolutely craves. Attention that I used to be able to give her before I got so busy with school.

So, getting to the point where it all started falling apart....

Back in April she decided that she wanted to celebrate her birthday down at the casino playing bingo - with me, her husband, sisters, parents and in-laws. I thought it was a fun idea (we'd played before, it's soo much fun!) and said I'd go. A few days later, I'm looking at my race schedule and realize that I have an event (out of state) the weekend of her birthday (June 16th). Father's Day was also that Sunday. I was bummed that I'd miss spending her birthday with her, but I can't miss the race (the season is paid for and i am in a trophy position -she knows this), nor was I going to blow off my father on Father's Day. It was also an opportunity to celebrate my own birthday with my own family (my family lives in the state where the event was held)

So, I email her (this is back in April) that I'm sorry that I won't be able to go (in June). She writes back "that's your choice" and when I questioned why I was getting an attitude, she proceeded to rip into me about choosing the race over her as well as a laundry list of other things, such as - "blowing off" a trip to chuckEcheese with her and her kids to spend time with my sister...telling her i couldn't hang out one afternoon, because i was making lollipops for the little baby i nanny for (it was her 1st birthday).....or the snow day, when i called another friend to get together instead of calling her.... or that i played tennis "with a f*cking stranger" once a week... or that i had to study/do homework and couldn't hang out as often as i used to.

I was totally taken aback. And in the middle of fighting back tears and composing an email back to her, she calls to see if the kids and I are coming over for our Tuesday playdate. I said flatly that I didn't plan to after having received that email. She replies, "oh c'mon, don't be silly. I didn't mean it to cause a fight or anything. I just miss you. I used to be your priority, and now I'm not. I'm having a tough time adjusting to that" So, I resolve to take the kids over, thinking that while they are playing she and I will have a chance to talk. I listened to what she had to say, then tried to explain things from my point of view -she didn't want to hear it. She just kept insisting that I was choosing the race over her and that she was hurt that obviously she was no longer my priority. She didn't want to hear a thing I had to say.

So, I let it go... but it still bothered me. I still wasn't going to miss the race or father's day and I still didn't have any more free time to give - despite her demands.

I gave alot of thought to what she had said. Point 1 - ChuckECheese vs. my sister. My sister lives 4 hours away, is married and works a demanding job with a crazy schedule requiring many hours of overtime (law enforcement). As such, she has very little time off and I see her only 4-5 times a year. I rarely get to spend time with her one-on-one. My friend's sister, on the other hand, lives a mile away and they see each other a couple times a week. So, I was on break from school and my sister had a Monday free, so we planned to meet at a mall 1/2 way between us and spend the day together. My best friend told me she was taking her kids to ChuckECheese and asked if I would like to join them. Her plans were certainly not dependant upon me going and she had invited another friend and her kids, as well. I had originally said yes, thinking that my sister and I were getting together on Tuesday. When I confirmed with my sister (5 days earlier) and realized it was Monday that she was free, I called my friend back upon hanging up with my sister to let her know that I wouldn't be able to join them. This is what she calls"blowing off" our "concrete plans". I'm sorry, but the day I blow off an opportunity to spend time with my sister for a rat that serves cheese pizza is the day I *really* need to rethink my priorities. Furthermore, I have never - nor would I ever - even think of asking my friend to put *me* ahead of *her* family, so I don't know why she feels so comfortable demanding that I put *her* ahead of mine.

There's more....

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txnmaryann

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July 5, 2007, 9:17 pm PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: chatster

I have a friend in the NY area who I've known for 10 years or so. Since moving out west we've drifted apart--and it's been more on my end. She's one of those people who has always been there for me--she's incredibly loyal. But, if you get on her bad side, she's very punitive. I think she has real anger issues. Most of her friends try to stay off her radar because of this. Well, this past summer she asked me to be her child's godparent and I was thrilled to do it for her. I traveled with my son to the east coast, had my parents watch my son while I attended the baptism. This was a 3 hour drive for me--I didn't have a car so a mutual frirend drove us. The day we were leaving (day before the baptism), my son had an athsma attack--probably the worst he's ever had. It was brewing the morning I left, but got much worse about an hour into my trip. My family called me, asking me to come home so we turned around and went back home. I let my friend know that I would make it to the christening only if my son's condition improved. He did improve and I made plans to get back on the road the following morning--the day of the christening. I was up all night with my son, giving him the nebulizer, got up at 4:30 am to get on the road, and made it in plenty of time for the ceremony and party. My friend and her family gave me a cold reception when I arrived and during the party, one of her friends actually turned and walked away when I tried engaging her in a conversation. Obviously, my not being there the day before to set up was a problem. Also, my friend paid for the hotel, which was nice of her and she lost the money when I didn't stay the night. I offered to pay for it and wrote out a check, so thought that would be it. Well, the straw that broke the camel's back was when, at the tail end of the party (people were leaving), I went with the friend I drove with to see another friend who was staying in town. They had plans to get together that weekend, but because of my situation, she wasn't able to see her. Initially, we were just going to pick her up at her hotel, and bring her back to the party, but the friend just wanted to grab an appetizer and chat for a bit. It turned into a 45 minute excursion. When we returned, my friend unloaded on me. She screamed at me for 20 minutes, telling me i was "callous and rude" for leaving for 45 minutes, for not giving her the "promised help" the day before the christening, for not using the hotel room she paid for. I was sobbing and running on fumes at that point from lack of sleep. I just wanted to leave. I got home late that night to my parents' house, and contacted her to apologize and she unloaded on me again, and mentioned things that didn't even happen. She said, for example, that I got in the car and turned my back on her and the baby. I wanted to end things on a good note and hugged them both. It was like she was inventing things to make the scenario more dramatic. Since then, I've contacted her by email 3 or 4 times, trying to see if she'd get on the phone with me to talk it out. The first email, she said I had my chance to talk when I was at the christening party and after my recent attempt, she emailed me back and said that b/c of my "inactivity" she doesn't consider us friends. I'm almost okay with it, although I'll miss the good times we had. Here's my problem--i'm connected to her child as the god parent. Do I inform her that I want to be relpaced? Let it go and let my actions speak for themselves? I love her kids and feel terrible, but don't know how to handle this... It's a very awkward situation.

Wow, what a selfish woman! A child with a serious asthma attack is a very scary situation. The fact that you still made it to the Christening should have been enough for her and let her see what a great friend YOU are! A lot of people woudln't have made the effort you did.

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly after traveling all that way for her. Let it go. She doesn't deserve your friendship. If she cools down later and contacts you, then you can consider still service as a godparent to her child, otherwise, I would consider her actions and words as a "termination" of your godparent duties by her.

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ssoganty

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July 8, 2007, 5:05 pm PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Sheesh! I just had a call from the toxic gal that I thought was out of my life. She wanted to know if I would be home in the "next 15 minutes." When I asked her why, she said "they" wanted to drop by with an item I had left at her place. She then asked the question again and I said that I no longer needed the item. (The item was glass ware that I had taken to her with home-made stuff ).

I know she would have her husband with her, so I'm wondering what her motive was. In any event, I am stunned that she is so obtuse!!!. Just needed to vent!

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marianparoo

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chillin'

July 9, 2007, 1:30 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

A 26 year friendship and sometimes love affair recently ended. It was ending (friendship, we hadn't been sexually involved for a number of years) for quite some time already, and this spring petered out.

I still don't know if I am glad that's what happened or if I'm sorry that I never told her off, because I felt she deserved it a number of times!

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xxsarahjxx

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July 19, 2007, 8:47 am PDT

toxic friends

i have a friends that i met about a year ago through work after 6 months i moved away and though she'd probably forget about me . a brief explanation of our friendship is that we do what she wants to do and she makes it seem like you want to do it, she drinks and takes recreational drugs a lot and sees this as her main way of having a good time, she is smothering and sends me at least 10/20 text messages a day at all times even in the middle of the night, and like to organise everything and take credit for it for example my boyfriend is in the army and has been out in afghanistan for a long time and finally came back (thank god) and arranged to meet up with me immediately for a weekend she invited herself and ruined the weekend only doing what she wanted to do and being moody and rude to everyone, everytime i try to end the friendship she sends me hoardes of abuse all of it lies and makes up stuff about me to try and get my boyfriend to get rid of me (he ignores her he knows what she is like) then she is sweet as pie saying its ok i forgive you when i havent done anything!!! she does this to everyone she knows they but dont tell her to get an easy life i am sick to death of this and wish people would back me up except for my boyfriend as it makes me look like im trying to upset her, she stays in jobs for only a few months stating its too stressful and is lazy and needy and gossips about everyone and anyone she is abusive to her boyfirend and often as sex with other people and even he sticks up for her and this obviously looks like a petty fight but its wearing me down and i just want to be left alone any quality time me and my partner get together is always interrupted we turn phones off but she wont go away!!!! please help me !!!!

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tammy_anne

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July 19, 2007, 11:53 am PDT

Sara

Quote From: xxsarahjxx

i have a friends that i met about a year ago through work after 6 months i moved away and though she'd probably forget about me . a brief explanation of our friendship is that we do what she wants to do and she makes it seem like you want to do it, she drinks and takes recreational drugs a lot and sees this as her main way of having a good time, she is smothering and sends me at least 10/20 text messages a day at all times even in the middle of the night, and like to organise everything and take credit for it for example my boyfriend is in the army and has been out in afghanistan for a long time and finally came back (thank god) and arranged to meet up with me immediately for a weekend she invited herself and ruined the weekend only doing what she wanted to do and being moody and rude to everyone, everytime i try to end the friendship she sends me hoardes of abuse all of it lies and makes up stuff about me to try and get my boyfriend to get rid of me (he ignores her he knows what she is like) then she is sweet as pie saying its ok i forgive you when i havent done anything!!! she does this to everyone she knows they but dont tell her to get an easy life i am sick to death of this and wish people would back me up except for my boyfriend as it makes me look like im trying to upset her, she stays in jobs for only a few months stating its too stressful and is lazy and needy and gossips about everyone and anyone she is abusive to her boyfirend and often as sex with other people and even he sticks up for her and this obviously looks like a petty fight but its wearing me down and i just want to be left alone any quality time me and my partner get together is always interrupted we turn phones off but she wont go away!!!! please help me !!!!

first and foremost if any one tried to inject themselves between me and my partner, that would be it, I would make absolutly no bones about the fact that she is not welcome and that you do not wish to pursue a freindship with her.

As for other people supporting your decision, not a requirment that they support a descision in order for you to make one and take appropriate action. It is you that is being abused, and you recognize this and want to remove the offending party from your life.

Start by letting her know in no uncertain terms that you do not wish to continue with a freindship with her. If she asks why you can tell her because you are not comfortable with the way it is going, and have made a decision that it is best for you that you just end the friendship.

This is not petty at all, it is abusive, manipulative, selfish and inconsiderate behavior, that could become dangerous if not nipped in the bud quickly. this "freindship" is in reality an abusive relationship.

Have your boyfreind or a real trusted freind present when you tell this person that you no longer want a freindship with her, and want all contact to stop.

Even if it is done by phone try to have someone there. Personaly i would tell her the next time she called me on the phone, for the simple fact that I do nt know if she is willing to go so far as physical assult, but I don't think i really want to risk the possibility that she can and will.

If she continues to phone, text message, show up on your door step, document it, and call the police and let them know what the situation is.

It may be that you may have to go so far as to get a restraining order, depends on how far she is wiling to go with this.

As for the lies, keep documentation of all of the lies and who she said it too, who told you, keep all paper documentation of communications she sends. If it gets to a point were it is beyond ignoring, go see a lawyer or legal advocate and have it brought to court and have slander charges brought against her.

This may sound really harsh, but in reality this person is causing you pain adn trying to harm your relationship with your partner, other freinds, possibly family, and she may be willing to go even further and cause you more harm than she is already doing.

Hopefully you will not have to go to the extreems, and when you tell her firmly and in no uncertain terms that the "freindship" is over and you will not tolerate any inappropriate retaliation IE slandering, stalking via text message or telephone, or email, and do not want any physical contact, she will drop you off her list, and you and your partner can focus on building a happy, healthy life together. Be clear, firm and unwavering. If in the event that she does continue to harras and stalk you get legal help, protect yourself and your rights

She is a malicious person and needs to be out of your life, today!

As for the other people that do not support a healthy decision to get her out of thier lives, tragic for them, I feel really bad for them.

Let me know how things go for you, wishing you and your partner all the very best!

hugs

Tammy

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tammy_anne

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July 19, 2007, 11:55 am PDT

SSO

Quote From: ssoganty

Sheesh! I just had a call from the toxic gal that I thought was out of my life. She wanted to know if I would be home in the "next 15 minutes." When I asked her why, she said "they" wanted to drop by with an item I had left at her place. She then asked the question again and I said that I no longer needed the item. (The item was glass ware that I had taken to her with home-made stuff ).

I know she would have her husband with her, so I'm wondering what her motive was. In any event, I am stunned that she is so obtuse!!!. Just needed to vent!

Good for you! you so did the right thing by not giving this individual an invitation to inject herself into your life! So happy for you.

Hugs

Tammy

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trimistat

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naughty

July 21, 2007, 3:08 am PDT

toxic also has another meaning

Quote From: jenoc99

Girl, I think its only natural to be a little "obsessive" about this-- these people have "dumped" you, given you no actual reason that you can understand, and they are spreading nasty things about you. It would only be human to obsess a bit about your situation! Like you said, its never happened to you before.

I'm willing to bet you will come out of this a better person. You are willing to examine yourself and your actions, to admit your faults, and to do your best to try to be a better person. This person and her mother sound like hurtful, manipulative people, its actually quite childish. I know its easy to say "forget about them!" but hard to really do that, because this has been very hurtful for you.

Have you read any of dr. Phil's books? His books "life strategies" and "self matters" are both really good, you should read either one of them. Its helpful to have guidance when you are going through a personal growing spurt, thats what I felt I was going through when I read the books.

Listen, you can try to define the meaning of "toxic friend" for the rest of your life, but its not going to help you to heal and move forward...it doesn't really matter what the real definition is, its different for each person who uses the term. For reasons that are not understandable, these people don't want to be your friend any longer. Its their loss...move forward and enjoy the friends you do have. I wish you the best!! You will be happy and have many more friendships.

it can also mean deadly. think about it...toxic is usually poison and most of the time toxic is deadly. be careful evry-1 out ther in a toxic(deadly ) friendship. good luck!

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xxsarahjxx

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July 22, 2007, 6:15 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: tammy_anne