Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships
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August 9, 2007, 3:42 pm PDT
 I am having a problem with abusive friendships. I do not know why I do not have the courage to end these, but I don't. One friend is taking extreme advantage of me. Last year, I homeschooled her child at no charge. This was her idea and I agreed because I did not think it would be a burden since I homeschool my children as well. The problem started when she did not pick up her daughter at a reasonable time. Then she dropped her off all summer, and I didn't say anything. I HAVE talked to her on numerous occasions regarding the child leaving by 4:30, but have been ignored or manipulated. The mom will cry, give excuses etc. This woman has alienated almost everyone around her. Another "friend" is constantly being derogatory towards me. Sometimes she is blunt, other times she is underhanded. She has called me "too large", (even though I am smaller than she is and am not overweight), my house is not clean enough, my children not as smart as her's, etc. My self-esteem is failing fast. I am a homeschooling mom of 4 and do not get out much, so maybe I let these people stay in my life just for adult company. I guess my question is how do i get the nerve to stand up for myself and get these toxic people out of my life? I am at the end of my rope, today, I spent all day crying because she stopped by and made snide comments. |
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August 10, 2007, 7:43 am PDT
Quote From: tammy_anne It really does take two to make a marriage work. This issue you are having is going to cause a lot of problems, well o guess it already is..not a very happy place to be in. Ok, so you made mistakes and choose to work them out and try and save your marriage, now your wife is having an emotional affair with another man. You are correct in your assumption that this is going to seriously hamper you and your wife's ability to work on your marriage. Honestly you have to look at it from both sides. If she continues bonding with this man on a emotional level, the marriage will fail. If she stops bonding with this man and makes a serious effort to work on the marriage it has a chance of succeeding. Therefore, if you tell her to stop and start investing in your marriage, and she does it has a chance to succeed. If she chooses him over you, the marriage was already over, and she had no interest in rebuilding the marriage. why was it necessary for you to promise not to listen to what your wife was saying to this man? In my opinion if either spouse makes the other make a promise like that, then there is something going on that should not be going on. Be honest with her and tell her how you feel when she talks with this other man. something you might also want to try is this, ok if you are going to be friends with this man, he must be a pretty good guy so I want to be friends with him too! Set up a dinner party and arrange to have a female friend be there so it is not lopsided, gender wise :). Letting this man meet and see you puts a whole new perspective on things, and does not allow objectifying people,but puts feelings, and faces together. If this is just a friendship as your wife is claiming, then expanding the friendship to include you is not going to be a big deal, and having another female present at the meeting should make things a little more comfortable, unless your wife has a sense of ownership over this man, and it will be clearer as to what her motivation for communicating with this man is. No you are not wrong for feeling the way you are feeling. Also, put a lot of effort back into courting your wife, become the man that she wants to be with and talk to. Leave little love notes and small gifts at random times in a place were she will find it. An example is a note saying...Just because...and a gift of a necklace or something nice. She will understand what "Just because" means, most Women do! lol. Some other random gifts could be a rose, chocolates, maybe a romantic video, that you can watch together, a snow globe, A hearflet love letter, A blown up picture of a favorite moment in your lives,in a sweet frame, you get the idea. What ever you can reasonably afford, make sure it is random, can get pricey if you try to get her something every day or more than once a week. As time goes by and the relationship begins to take on a better light, can cut back to once a month for a gift, as it could get pricey and you might run out of affordable ideas. Just remember any woman appreciates a rondom token or gift of appreciation and love, don't ever stop giving her gifts, we miss it whether we have been married for a year or fifty years, and no longer get those special somehtings "Just because". Does she like to take baths? Fix up her bath for her with some really nice scented candles, and bath salts, and some romantic music that is meaningful to both of you, your wedding dance would be a good choice, along with some other romantic love songs. Have a big fluffy towel available for her, along with a sweet bathrobe. Moonlight picnic, get her to put on a blind fold, take her to a really nice park, set up your moonlight picnic, candles, wine, cheese and other goodies, and a couple of candles, don't forget your trusty portable stereo with those romantic love songs, that are meaningful for you both. Have fun :). Talking, be honest with your feelings, it is ok to let the hurt show, sometimes we women need to see the hurt men feel in order to connect with it. Sometimes, if we cant see the hurt in our hubby's eyes we assume he is not really all the torn up by whatever it is that is hurting them. If you find that she is distant, or not responsive to talking, well then you are going to have to start initiating the communication, Talk about your hopes, dreams, and desires for your future together. Talk about things from your shared history, that you miss and would like to bring back in to the present. Compliment, tell her how you see her. You think she is beautiful? Tell her that! Think that outfit makes her look sexy? Tell her that! Think she made a marvelous supper? Tell her that! you get the point hey? Contact, a hug, a caress, a soft kiss on the neck, please don't try to get her to go to bed when you do this. Simple contact is really meaningful for us women, and when hubby figures a kiss automatically means bed time, we can get edgy and the contact just becomes a prelude to bed time rather than a touch that says I LOVE YOU! Do things with her that she likes to do, hate bowling but she loves it? Well sorry guy learn to love it or simply tolerate it lol, still make sure laughter is a big part of the occasion, heck if you have to laugh at the fact that you are doing something you totally hate, for the woman you love lol :). She says or does something that makes you angry? Stop! Look at what is really happening for you, I am angry, but what is really happening is I am scared I am losing you. I am angry, but what is really happening is that my feelings are hurt, that you don't trust me. I am angry, but what is really happening is I am confused, and don't want to look foolish. Willful Anger is detrimental, stop before you say something you might regret, and find the motivating fear becomes a reality. Be honest with your self about what you are feeling, then decide if you want to take a risk with your wife and share the real feeling, or want to keep quiet. Honestly, when two people love each other sharing the real feeling is not a risk, it is actually a building block to success. Back to talking again for a minute, this just occurred to me, if your wife initiates a conversation, and wants to talk about your idiot episode, talk with her about it. don't shy away from it, get it out in the open and let her know exactly how much you really regret it, and how horrible you feel at the pain, humiliation and hurt you caused her. Turn of the radio, TV or other external noise, and really be there with her. Let me know how things go with you and her, and I truly do wish you all the very best and success. going to go read your diary, look forward to hearing from you again, and hope that this day you can find some peace and serenity. Tammy
I really don't know where to start. First, thank you for your wonderful response. You put a lot of time and thought into that. I do appreciate you for that. At this point I have tried a lot of what your have suggested. The problem is that she still doesn't believe that my actions are genuine. The more I try to do for her and say how much I love her is interpreted as me wanting her to come around so we can have sex again. I can not convince her otherwise. That is one of her main motivations for being cold to me. If you read my other posts, I discuss the issues she has with this subject. Also, she is stand offish because she feels that I will expect her to drop her friends if we build our relationship back. I've never said anything about her dropping her female friends, I've only expressed concern about this guy friend she has. I know that is really what she's referring to. So these two factors are what is hindering her healing. Regarding my promise to stop listening to her conversations, This happened back when I was being an idiot. I was listening a lot and got very angry, as mentioned in my diary. She felt that her privacy had been violated. so i had to promise that I wouldn't listen. Now I am stuck. She can do pretty much anything and I can't say a word about it and if I do she will say, well there's another promise that you have broken. Then she builds the wall higher. I have met him and he's a really nice guy. The concern is really not with him. What she will tell me is that he has lot's of female friends that he talks to on the phone and over email. But I don't care what he does or what he's getting out of it. I only care what she does and what she is getting out of it. He may not be getting anything other than friendship but she feels that she is emotionally deprived from me, meaning that I am unable to fill her emotional need because of what I've done. She will not allow me to meet those needs even though I am fully capable of doing that. So she has to go else where. So she will spend more energy maintaining that relationship than she will rebuilding ours. That is where my concern is. At this point, I am not the priority in her live. She is and it doesn't matter really what I want. She has said that to me. So here I am, stuck with this knowledge and have no idea what to do with it. I just wish there was a way I could tell her how I feel with out breaking my promise. Again, thank you for you thoughts. I-Guy |
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August 10, 2007, 7:46 am PDT
Quote From: tammy_anne Good for you! you so did the right thing by not giving this individual an invitation to inject herself into your life! So happy for you. Hugs Tammy I just ended 8/8/07 a 15 year friendship because she started meddling with my marriage-right now I feel anxious. She and her mother are coming to my house at the end of the month to pick up her plants-which are outside in pots. What is the best way to handle myself when they arrive with the truck? She is a victim of additions now-alcohol, pot, and various pills. I am not what she might do or say to my husband-who is always home. I wrote to you because I thought your replies were intelligent and well thought out. Thanks- Sandi |
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August 10, 2007, 3:15 pm PDT
i was with a girl for 3 years.....as time went on she told me that she didnt love me we were just friends. last summer i met some one and was with her. did i cheat? |
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August 11, 2007, 10:27 pm PDT
Quote From: proudmamato4 I am having a problem with abusive friendships. I do not know why I do not have the courage to end these, but I don't. One friend is taking extreme advantage of me. Last year, I homeschooled her child at no charge. This was her idea and I agreed because I did not think it would be a burden since I homeschool my children as well. The problem started when she did not pick up her daughter at a reasonable time. Then she dropped her off all summer, and I didn't say anything. I HAVE talked to her on numerous occasions regarding the child leaving by 4:30, but have been ignored or manipulated. The mom will cry, give excuses etc. This woman has alienated almost everyone around her. Another "friend" is constantly being derogatory towards me. Sometimes she is blunt, other times she is underhanded. She has called me "too large", (even though I am smaller than she is and am not overweight), my house is not clean enough, my children not as smart as her's, etc. My self-esteem is failing fast. I am a homeschooling mom of 4 and do not get out much, so maybe I let these people stay in my life just for adult company. I guess my question is how do i get the nerve to stand up for myself and get these toxic people out of my life? I am at the end of my rope, today, I spent all day crying because she stopped by and made snide comments. I have been in abusive relationships. I would confront her with someone else with you, preferedly a man, though I am not saying a woman could not do this. I would not be alone with this woman. I would tell her she has to leave and if she starts conning you, and verbally abusing you, you could get a restraining order or call the police and say you are being harassed. The police will respond to talk with her. This is in the presence of children and she is a danger in how she is abusing you which will reflect to the children. It is not a safe situation. Or I would talk with the police and tell them your situation or your crisis center....most all cities have them and they deal with abuse.
To get up the nerve to tell her to leave, I would do it with another person there as a witness. I might also talk with a lawyer if things continue to be bad, because that person could be charged with harassment and I imagine other things also. This is serious and will escalate as all abuse does, so take action soon, and find agencies to talk to to help you out in how to approach this, good luck, you will do well....this is not right in how you are being verbally abused and used, manipulated and controlled....you might go to the website by Patricia Evans on Verbal Abuse so you can begin to shore up your confidence that it is not right. She has some wonderful books to read which are in the library. and has ideas on how to handle abuse. you are on the right track to begin to handle this. rose |
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August 11, 2007, 10:37 pm PDT
Quote From: wildrose7 I have been in abusive relationships. I would confront her with someone else with you, preferedly a man, though I am not saying a woman could not do this. I would not be alone with this woman. I would tell her she has to leave and if she starts conning you, and verbally abusing you, you could get a restraining order or call the police and say you are being harassed. The police will respond to talk with her. This is in the presence of children and she is a danger in how she is abusing you which will reflect to the children. It is not a safe situation. Or I would talk with the police and tell them your situation or your crisis center....most all cities have them and they deal with abuse.
To get up the nerve to tell her to leave, I would do it with another person there as a witness. I might also talk with a lawyer if things continue to be bad, because that person could be charged with harassment and I imagine other things also. This is serious and will escalate as all abuse does, so take action soon, and find agencies to talk to to help you out in how to approach this, good luck, you will do well....this is not right in how you are being verbally abused and used, manipulated and controlled....you might go to the website by Patricia Evans on Verbal Abuse so you can begin to shore up your confidence that it is not right. She has some wonderful books to read which are in the library. and has ideas on how to handle abuse. you are on the right track to begin to handle this. rose hi, I did not know it was 2 women, so my post about calling the police was a little strong, but it could get to that point. I would really set limits with these women, and have someone with you to help. Often crisis centers have counselors who can help you plan your moves, and also the book I have suggested called the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a great place to begin and also her website. You can learn all about verbal abuse, go to support meetings on verbal abuse, and protect those children....because the abuse is being done in front of them, and that is not good. They see and they learn and they hurt too.
good luck, rose |
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August 13, 2007, 11:42 am PDT
Quote From: idiotguy I've posted this on other topics but I wanted to get other opinions if I could. Well, it's been a while sense I've written on here. If you have been on for a while you may remember my situation. But instead of going back over it all you can look back at my diaries and other posts. Things have really not improved much but they have leveled out. My frustration comes in due to a friendship that my wife has with a guy. During the whole fiasco that we went through over this past year she confided a lot to him. I have been uncomfortable with this relationship ever sense. While i was being an "idiot", there were also some inappropriate things going on between them. Nothing ever physical, that I know of, mostly just things said on the phone and on Private messaging. She talked to him on the phone 2 to 3 times a day and he was the last person she talked to before she went to bed. After i came to my senses and wanted to work on things I told her that I was uncomfortable and she did cut back. But now she is doing it again. she will go outside or close the door to our room when she talks to him. last night she was on the phone and when she came inside she said that she was talking to her mom but I checked the phone and she was talking to him. Now, I don't know if there is anything going on or not and I really can't find out. My main concern is that she is talking to him about things that she should be talking to me about. So when she is around me she has nothing really to say. Also, she will constantly mention that she is worried that if we do start to recover our relationship that i will make her stop being friends with him. So what am I supposed to say? I normally tell her, " I'm not going to do that". But I just don't see it as a healthy relationship. She is giving him and telling him things that I, as her husband should be getting. Am I wrong for feeling that way? It's about to drive me crazy! Every time that she is on the phone I just cringe. I almost want to go hear what they are saying but I promised her that I wouldn't do that. I need some advice really bad. I'm afraid that if I tell her to stop that it will ruin any chances that we have to fix things. This is a bump from before. Does anyone have any input or experience with this type of situation? |
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August 20, 2007, 8:53 pm PDT
I am really upset and confused on what to do with my best friend "we will call her Katie" of almost 14 years.... We are both 25 now... we met when we were 12.. We were basically like sisters growing up and were completely inseperable... When we were both 19 we met our first serious boyfriends together and the 4 of us had a blast... My relationship ended up lasting 5 years, and hers ended within the first year.. Her bf ended up being a cheater/abuser/jerk and her first experience wasn't a pleasant one to say the least.... I was very in love and my boyfriend was my best friend and him and I were living together and became inseperable... Katie and I still remained friends and over the years spent alot of time together, but she did end up coming second to my bf... But regardless I was always there for her when she needed me and we had a solid friendship still.... After my relationship ended (Katie was incredibly happy might I add)... her and I became alot closer again as we were both single and back to those good old days together as each other's first priority... About a year later I met my fiance...... Him and I moved in together some time after, and then got engaged.... Katie and I still made time for each other, but with each of us working full-time schedules, our other commitments, etc.. things naturally regressed as we are now 25 and don't have as much time like we used to... Most of my time now consisted of working, my fiance, and housechores, taking care of our dog together, etc... Katie and I still saw each other for coffee, went out for girl's nights every few months, etc... But this apparently was never good enough for her.... I would get random text messages from her saying I "was glued to my boyfriend"... and why I never came out anymore.. etc.. When I got engaged and gave her the news, I got a tongue lashing!! You're too young.... you're not ready.. you're making a mistake... etc etc etc... I heard nothing but negative from her.. A few months passed.. and out of the blue one day she was having a get together with our girl friends and inviting a few platonic guy friends, so I asked if it was a group event and if so, if I could bring my fiance... She got incredibly pissed off and said NO... saying if he didn't trust me enough to let me out without him than I shouldn't be with him...... I told her that had nothing to do with it, and that if it was going to be males and females there I didn't see the problem with bringing him along.... She then confessed as her answer "Well honestly..... I just don't like HIM!".... I burst into tears and asked her why and to explain... and she could come up with NOTHING....all she could come up with was "well he's not really a type of person I'd hang out with if you weren't dating him"... I also got "I just don't like his vibe..we don't vibe".... Keep in mind that my best friend has ONLY met and hung out with my fiance about 3 times EVER at this point......... This caused a pretty big fight between us, then she felt sorry and said she would try to be more open minded... As the months have passed.. she has FINALLY got herself a boyfriend that apparently treats her pretty well and she is super happy with.... Her and I go out occasionally for coffee, dinner or a night out with our girl friends... But we have still yet to do any group things with our significant others... She occassionally goes out with our other friend and her boyfriend.. but never my fiance. The way she has been towards my fiance and my relationship has put a severe strain on our friendship......... For awhile I was incredibly hurt at her reaction towards my engagement and her dropping the "I don't like him" bomb.. we hadn't talked in about a month... and eventually she gave me the "If you can't even call me or return my calls what kind of friend are you"... What kind of friend am I ?????????? I have talked to her briefly about things.. but I've never really laid out my true feelings to her on everything..... She's a very stubborn person and doesn't agree with anything unless it's how SHE thinks things should be done... So I have a feeling anything I say will fall upon deaf ears with her... She thinks I am in the wrong, and I'm the one doing things wrong in regards to my balancing of relationship and friendships... I don't know what to do anymore with this friend....... I've been putting off planning a wedding because I don't know if I want her to be my maid of honor now after all this... Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say???? I'm about this close to ending our friendship completely.... Thanks!! My friend was also overweight growing up.. Never the pretty girl, popular girl.. Only the cool fun girl with the personality... Over the years she grew into her looks a bit better, took care of herself with better clothing, hair, makeup, some surgery, etc... and now she is a decent looking girl.. She has a good job.. lots of friends, ambition, etc.. It seems she has made quite a life for herself considering where she started..... |
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August 21, 2007, 8:33 am PDT
Quote From: staceymac1 I am really upset and confused on what to do with my best friend "we will call her Katie" of almost 14 years.... We are both 25 now... we met when we were 12.. We were basically like sisters growing up and were completely inseperable... When we were both 19 we met our first serious boyfriends together and the 4 of us had a blast... My relationship ended up lasting 5 years, and hers ended within the first year.. Her bf ended up being a cheater/abuser/jerk and her first experience wasn't a pleasant one to say the least.... I was very in love and my boyfriend was my best friend and him and I were living together and became inseperable... Katie and I still remained friends and over the years spent alot of time together, but she did end up coming second to my bf... But regardless I was always there for her when she needed me and we had a solid friendship still.... After my relationship ended (Katie was incredibly happy might I add)... her and I became alot closer again as we were both single and back to those good old days together as each other's first priority... About a year later I met my fiance...... Him and I moved in together some time after, and then got engaged.... Katie and I still made time for each other, but with each of us working full-time schedules, our other commitments, etc.. things naturally regressed as we are now 25 and don't have as much time like we used to... Most of my time now consisted of working, my fiance, and housechores, taking care of our dog together, etc... Katie and I still saw each other for coffee, went out for girl's nights every few months, etc... But this apparently was never good enough for her.... I would get random text messages from her saying I "was glued to my boyfriend"... and why I never came out anymore.. etc.. When I got engaged and gave her the news, I got a tongue lashing!! You're too young.... you're not ready.. you're making a mistake... etc etc etc... I heard nothing but negative from her.. A few months passed.. and out of the blue one day she was having a get together with our girl friends and inviting a few platonic guy friends, so I asked if it was a group event and if so, if I could bring my fiance... She got incredibly pissed off and said NO... saying if he didn't trust me enough to let me out without him than I shouldn't be with him...... I told her that had nothing to do with it, and that if it was going to be males and females there I didn't see the problem with bringing him along.... She then confessed as her answer "Well honestly..... I just don't like HIM!".... I burst into tears and asked her why and to explain... and she could come up with NOTHING....all she could come up with was "well he's not really a type of person I'd hang out with if you weren't dating him"... I also got "I just don't like his vibe..we don't vibe".... Keep in mind that my best friend has ONLY met and hung out with my fiance about 3 times EVER at this point......... This caused a pretty big fight between us, then she felt sorry and said she would try to be more open minded... As the months have passed.. she has FINALLY got herself a boyfriend that apparently treats her pretty well and she is super happy with.... Her and I go out occasionally for coffee, dinner or a night out with our girl friends... But we have still yet to do any group things with our significant others... She occassionally goes out with our other friend and her boyfriend.. but never my fiance. The way she has been towards my fiance and my relationship has put a severe strain on our friendship......... For awhile I was incredibly hurt at her reaction towards my engagement and her dropping the "I don't like him" bomb.. we hadn't talked in about a month... and eventually she gave me the "If you can't even call me or return my calls what kind of friend are you"... What kind of friend am I ?????????? I have talked to her briefly about things.. but I've never really laid out my true feelings to her on everything..... She's a very stubborn person and doesn't agree with anything unless it's how SHE thinks things should be done... So I have a feeling anything I say will fall upon deaf ears with her... She thinks I am in the wrong, and I'm the one doing things wrong in regards to my balancing of relationship and friendships... I don't know what to do anymore with this friend....... I've been putting off planning a wedding because I don't know if I want her to be my maid of honor now after all this... Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say???? I'm about this close to ending our friendship completely.... Thanks!! My friend was also overweight growing up.. Never the pretty girl, popular girl.. Only the cool fun girl with the personality... Over the years she grew into her looks a bit better, took care of herself with better clothing, hair, makeup, some surgery, etc... and now she is a decent looking girl.. She has a good job.. lots of friends, ambition, etc.. It seems she has made quite a life for herself considering where she started..... first off, let me just say over two years ago I did not realize that I would be ending a friendship with a person that I had thirteen year very close friendship with. she and I were neighbors. our families did a lot of stuff together. We saw each other and talked several times a day. She was a what I call a high maintainance friend. her daughter and my son were the same age how we met. the kids had outgrown each other. somehow I was always smoothing things over for someone in our families. we even built houses in a new neighborhood together. almost like extended family. our friendship ended over nothing, over something that seemed so trivial at the time.( not worth the details) I had a lot of pain learning to accept the friendship being over. Tryed to call her to talk many times she has never responeded. I handed her an attitude of my anger about what I felt was wrong with our friendship expecting her to care enough to at least work with me on it. at least that is the way I felt at the time. I watched her treatment of other people who were past friends in her life. ultimately I was still surprised when I got the same treatment..our friendship ended on a note of Leave her be, she will call me when she is ready to talk, FyI, She never has, Still feel a stinging pain of missing her when I see her. Although she had other friendships in her past that ended this way I still was surprised. little does she realize that my door was pretty much open for her. Anyway, Your friendship sounds like it has been through a lot of growing pains.my reason for sharing my past friendship is just this. I miss that friend no matter how many people have said things like your better off without her.At the same time I do not miss all the control I hand over to her to stay her friend. many times over I wish I had just taken the break I needed. That way I could of at least call one day and said hey how are things going. expecting her to repair what I considered to be bad behavior on her part was never going to happen. It is not for your friend either. you have to change how you handle it. Many of my other friends have said things like her loss, you are a great friend she is probably missing you. well if she is , I wouldn't know it............ So It does not stop me from feeling like I wish I had handled it differently. my friend was famous for saying you have to teach people how you want to be treated. She gave much better advice than she was able to live. hope this helps you. take your time,looking at your friend and realize that maybe it is just a season for a break. someone who still feels the lost even though I have totally moved on and feel fine now I will check back ok.................... |
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August 21, 2007, 5:32 pm PDT
Quote From: staceymac1 I am really upset and confused on what to do with my best friend "we will call her Katie" of almost 14 years.... We are both 25 now... we met when we were 12.. We were basically like sisters growing up and were completely inseperable... When we were both 19 we met our first serious boyfriends together and the 4 of us had a blast... My relationship ended up lasting 5 years, and hers ended within the first year.. Her bf ended up being a cheater/abuser/jerk and her first experience wasn't a pleasant one to say the least.... I was very in love and my boyfriend was my best friend and him and I were living together and became inseperable... Katie and I still remained friends and over the years spent alot of time together, but she did end up coming second to my bf... But regardless I was always there for her when she needed me and we had a solid friendship still.... After my relationship ended (Katie was incredibly happy might I add)... her and I became alot closer again as we were both single and back to those good old days together as each other's first priority... About a year later I met my fiance...... Him and I moved in together some time after, and then got engaged.... Katie and I still made time for each other, but with each of us working full-time schedules, our other commitments, etc.. things naturally regressed as we are now 25 and don't have as much time like we used to... Most of my time now consisted of working, my fiance, and housechores, taking care of our dog together, etc... Katie and I still saw each other for coffee, went out for girl's nights every few months, etc... But this apparently was never good enough for her.... I would get random text messages from her saying I "was glued to my boyfriend"... and why I never came out anymore.. etc.. When I got engaged and gave her the news, I got a tongue lashing!! You're too young.... you're not ready.. you're making a mistake... etc etc etc... I heard nothing but negative from her.. A few months passed.. and out of the blue one day she was having a get together with our girl friends and inviting a few platonic guy friends, so I asked if it was a group event and if so, if I could bring my fiance... She got incredibly pissed off and said NO... saying if he didn't trust me enough to let me out without him than I shouldn't be with him...... I told her that had nothing to do with it, and that if it was going to be males and females there I didn't see the problem with bringing him along.... She then confessed as her answer "Well honestly..... I just don't like HIM!".... I burst into tears and asked her why and to explain... and she could come up with NOTHING....all she could come up with was "well he's not really a type of person I'd hang out with if you weren't dating him"... I also got "I just don't like his vibe..we don't vibe".... Keep in mind that my best friend has ONLY met and hung out with my fiance about 3 times EVER at this point......... This caused a pretty big fight between us, then she felt sorry and said she would try to be more open minded... As the months have passed.. she has FINALLY got herself a boyfriend that apparently treats her pretty well and she is super happy with.... Her and I go out occasionally for coffee, dinner or a night out with our girl friends... But we have still yet to do any group things with our significant others... She occassionally goes out with our other friend and her boyfriend.. but never my fiance. The way she has been towards my fiance and my relationship has put a severe strain on our friendship......... For awhile I was incredibly hurt at her reaction towards my engagement and her dropping the "I don't like him" bomb.. we hadn't talked in about a month... and eventually she gave me the "If you can't even call me or return my calls what kind of friend are you"... What kind of friend am I ?????????? I have talked to her briefly about things.. but I've never really laid out my true feelings to her on everything..... She's a very stubborn person and doesn't agree with anything unless it's how SHE thinks things should be done... So I have a feeling anything I say will fall upon deaf ears with her... She thinks I am in the wrong, and I'm the one doing things wrong in regards to my balancing of relationship and friendships... I don't know what to do anymore with this friend....... I've been putting off planning a wedding because I don't know if I want her to be my maid of honor now after all this... Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say???? I'm about this close to ending our friendship completely.... Thanks!! My friend was also overweight growing up.. Never the pretty girl, popular girl.. Only the cool fun girl with the personality... Over the years she grew into her looks a bit better, took care of herself with better clothing, hair, makeup, some surgery, etc... and now she is a decent looking girl.. She has a good job.. lots of friends, ambition, etc.. It seems she has made quite a life for herself considering where she started..... My advice is don’t put your wedding plans on hold for one more day- she doesn’t like your fiance and she shouldn’t be your maid of honor. You can’t allow her negativity to affect you/your life so much; you are giving her way to much control over your life. I know it is hurtful that your friend can turn her back on you so easily, but it is her deep-seated insecurity and jealousy that is driving her- there is nothing you can do to ’fix’ that about her. You deserve to live a happy, fulfilling life, and you will- it will take time to heal from this painful experience with your friend, but you will heal and move on to much bigger and better friendships. |
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