Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

I am so glad that Jaimie gave you some great input!  She is a wise lady!

I had no idea that there are legal ramifications about getting rid of a guest on your very own property.  That is scary!  You've done the right thing giving her a date to vacate.....personally, I think you are being very generous with your time frame.

I'm glad that you're trying to not be hard on yourself about this...you were trying to help, after all.  My h used to say, "they mistake kindness for foolishness," and I think that is an acurate statement here.

Recently, I have had the urge to help out  a person financially.  I gave it a lot of thought and here is how I decided not to give her any $$.  This gal will always have a need because she spends unwisely, IMHO.  I know this just from ordinary conversation.  If I give her $$, I am enabling her to continue her budgeting chaos.

The main thing is to learn from the experience and it sounds like you've done that...good for you!!

,

I have decided to end my long-term friendship with a very difficult person.  But, I am concerned that

she will retaliate.

Hi there everyone.

I'm a 19 year old girl, currently living alone in an apartment while attending college. I'm very lucky to have parents who not only started a college fund for me when I was born, but also will pay for my apartment while I'm in college.

Last year I lived in the dorms, but I was miserable. I paid for them with a scholarship I recieved for good grade. I want to start paying for my apartment by myself, but in order to do that, I'd need a room mate because I can't afford rent on minimum wage, and because of school, it will be hard to work full time, let alone two jobs. My best friend was going to move in with me, but lately, I've realized that she's not a very good friend.

She's always asking me to pay for things, and she's never greatful for the things I do for her. She's jealous, and hates when I hang out with other people or my boyfriend, yet she'll leave me alone to hang out with her friends without a second thought. . She acts as though she's entitled to everything, and pitches a fit when I don't do everything exactly how she wants, even though she never pays for anything, never drives anywhere, and doesn't even say thank you.

I don't know how to deal with it.

I was spoiled by my parents, but they taught me that the things they give me are gifts, and to appreciate these things. I don't take them for granted, because I know I've done nothing to deserve this, and that I should be greatful. Which I am. I do my best to make my parents proud of me, and to make sure they know how much I appreciate their kindness.

But my friend doesn't treat her parents with respect, and she certainly doesn't treat me with respect. She's 18, and she tries to bring alcohol over, or to get my boyfriend to buy it for her, even though i've told her she can't do that here.

Anyway, the main problem is that I don't have a lot of friends, and the ones I do have are already paired off for apartments. I feel like such a mooch because my parents pay for everything for me right now, and my mom refuses to take money from me as rent. She says that she likes being able to provide for me. But I feel like one of the best ways to show them that I appreciate them would be to start paying my own way.

But I don't have anyone else to move in with me.

Should I just put up with her nasty behaviour, so that I can have a roommate? I know that it will make me miserable, but I feel like I owe my parents so much for everything they've done. And I would rather live with someone I trust (even though she's mean.) than a stranger who's habits I'm not aware of.

Any advice?

I once had a friend that I loved very much. Knew her for three years and we were very close.  I treated  her like family. We had grown apart due to circumstances of her being cruel. I stop doing a lot. One night out of the blue she called me at three in the morning that the cops had taken away her keys and to go and get her. I got up and went, when I got there she and her new boyfirend which I had never met were drunk. She got in car and wanted me to go to police station to get her keys for her. We were both 30 at the time. I decided I could not do that in the condition she was in, so I got on the freeway to take her home to her parents where she still lived. She open the door at sixty miles and hour and was telling me she'd jump if I did not stop the car. I had to stop so i pulled over and she got out. She crossed all six lanes of freeway drunk and I call her parents and let them know what was going on. They finally showed up and she told them that I threw her out of my car. That day was the last I talked to her till two days later. My mom and her mother talked, her dad said it be best if we stay away from each other. After that I waited several months to contact her mother to see how she was doing, her mother said that about a month later she ended up in the hospital for three days and did not change. After that she took off with some guys and within four months or five got married and pregnant. This all happened within a six month period after that night.From time to time I see her and her friends, they all hate me. The turn their face at me. This happened a year an a half ago. I havent seemed to been able to forget, I was a good friend yet to them I am the worst person in the world. Just the other day one of her friends, who treated me badly when I called to find out about my friend, sat next to me at a college presentation and told me to talk to them. I am not hatefull so I did. As soon as she told me about my friend, I told her that I did not want to hear about her and wished her the best.

Truthfully, I have never gotten over this situation and feel very depressed. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve to be shut out of her life forever and for her friends to have treated me so badly.

Truthfully  I say to you that have done nothing wrong to deserve that ill treatment. You did everything you could to make things work between you and her. She have made the bad chocie when she was drinking, ran acrosse the freeway and then lied to her parents that you threw her out. But be that as it may you still was being a good friend to her by calling to see how shes doing. She also appears that she had some real personal issues to deal with, but there are no excuse of her and them friends of yourfriend  to be that way toward you you didnt do anything to them. This something you should tell yourself  "I did everything I could to to be there for her. I have no regrets." I feel that you will ok becaise over time pain will become truth and once that show you'll accept and you will  be able to move on to something new.  I hope that I this helped. If you have questions you can contact me @ eday1987@yahoo.com.

take care.

Eric

 >:D<

hi I wanted to respond to your  qoute that you have written. My take on this is I dont believe that moving in with your friend wouldnt be in your best interest. It appears clearly that your friend isnt really a good

one really.  Friendships are 50/50  not 50/less than.  I bet your parents are really proud of you because of who you are and what you do for example you show apreciation for what they've done for you. That says alot about you. parents are inspired to help their children when they need mostly good kids. Dont get me wrong i understand that you want to make your way, I dont think your parent would believe thats a good idea to put up with that. You dont have to tolerate disrespect by any means. However you go about doing it is up to you. I hope that this has helps you. If you have questions for me eday1987@yahoo.com if you have any. take care

yours truly,

Eric

Think this board, might be perfect for my situation...So, here's my story:

1.)          Met this male/friend ONLY 1 1/2  yrs. ago online..we talked on the phone too..we shared one another's lives, and just talked about life and things we were doing...WE NEVER had ANY intentions in taking it in a different directions..afterall, there's this big age difference...so, that was NEVER on our minds..Anyway, he's been going through tough times..every since I met him..just wanted to be a good influence for him..I wanted to visit him, and plus I love traveling...(1,400 mi apart)..but, the timing was never good..(for him basically)...then, it happen I flew out there..he was going through a break up (2 wks prior, and this WAS a planned visit with him ahead of time)...he said he was so excited to show me around..

2.)         This g/f of his, he never met, nor talked on the phone..it was ALL online..she basically, told him to date others..etc. etc..and so, he told me that's what he'll do if he finds someone..I wanted to just take his mind off that, and just goof around and have fun...(since, we both haven't had much of that lately)...but, he was obsessed with her so much, that all he did was be on his laptop..talking, checking out her posts, etc. etc..But, I understand relationships/breakups..everyday, he back and forth..breakup or friends only..??  I  was only there for 7 days..just though he could show me around, since I already spent so much money..and couldn't afford a rent a car too..plus, my hotel..the trip was costly..sometimes, I would end up going to the spa/gym in the hotel, just to have things to do..as he was always preoccupied by this girl..on his laptop of course..so, I went alone..

3.)      the first two nights, we talked so much...into the early mornings...we'd hang out on the king bed, as it was basically the only place to hang out and talk..he'd be on his laptop...me reading flyers to see what we can do...NO BIG DEAL...well, he didn't want to get up..and I had to actually physically push him..to sleep on the couch...that happen, two nights..and then, after that he changed..the ONLY weekend I was going to be there..(he went college during the week)....FIRST DAY SAT..he went down his parents..said, he had two reports to do...well, I didn't want to ruin the next day..so, I told him go do his school work..because, I didn't want it to interrupt our Sun..well, he didnt do it..all day he didn't..and ended up (he said) talking to his family, etc. etc..and whatever else he did..I always, knew he had his buddies in that area..and he 'smokes pot' with them..so, I"m NOT saying he did that..but, all kinds of things went through my head.because, I knew he had a problem with that...even, before he went there..he told me, he was upset with himself that he can't stay away from it..and he told me, he took a 'puff' from his roommate...???

4.)  Once, he rented me movies..just for me to watch them alone??? I ask him, (it was early) 8 pm..if he could just watch one?  he said, he needs to go..then, I said ok just 1/2 of one?  nope...after that, the rest of my trip..he acted different..he didn't walk with  me..in restaurants he didnt really talk to me, like before..he was SO distant...like, he was rushing to do things for me..(out of obligation I FELT) and he even told me, he was working so hard to accomodate me...??? wow,that felt great..

Then, after I got home..I was confused..needed to think about it, before talking to him..but, he was more distant..we'd use to IM, and each time he just for a second or two..and had to go...I felt so bad, I text him and said 'you treated me so poorly there, to leave me alone'....I quickly in a email, say sorry...and then explain...but, he threw it back in my face..very HARSHLY too..he even told his g/f (ex or whatever) and she then the day before Thanksgiving..PM me on this site...telling me off..I told her she doesn't know the whole story, and that I understand she's defending him...she went on like 10 PM'S!!  she and him, basically accuse me of wanting HIM..wanting a younger male!!  because, of why??? I occasionally talk to them..??  BIG DEAL..he told me that's part of the reason, why he was so distance..he was thinking about WHY I would talk to these younger guys..HE SAID he thought I was trying to make him jealous..???

Anyway, things just went downhill from there...he did some pretty horrible things..via email and ONLINE..

Any ideas, thoughts, feelings, or opinions?  thanks so much for reading all this,

D