Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Hi all! It's been a long time since I've been on here. If you remember me, my marriage is still not where is should be. The last time I was on I talked about the amount of time my wife spends on the phone with this guy. This is still going on but I am still in a position not to say anything with out it coming back on me and making me the bad guy.

Here's the deal. Back in January we had a discussion about her talking and what my fears were. She got angry and accused me of wanting to take more away from her, referring to her friend and there daily conversations. I brought up all the information about emotional affairs and that  how destructive it is and that those involved don't realize it. She completely denies it and that she knows that is not what's happening. So anyway, she said that she would cut back and for me not to worry. Well, I'm still worried. After she gets off the phone she will have a different attitude towards me. Before she talks she may be joking around or be more talkative around me but after she gets off the phone it's like a switch has been flipped.

Just recently I talked to her about it and she said that she doesn't have that much time to talk to him anymore because she's going to school and has to study so it may only be 5 to 10 min. But it's still every day. So that brings me to my question. I have gained access to her cell phone account. She did not give me the password though. I just needed to know what was really going on. I've gone back to January to see just how much she is talking. In Jan she talked for 27 hrs, Feb 33 hrs, march 21 hrs and April it's at 10 hrs. A total of 461 calls in less than 4 months. Now what I am worried about is that if I bring this to her attention she will accuse me of invasion of privacy. Is looking at her phone record invading her privacy? Am I justified in doing this? I am going to be made out to be the bad guy and she's going to blame me for her behavior. It will be turned into an issue of me offending her and trying to take away from her rather than focusing on what's really going on.

Does anyone have any advice?

Hello,

In answer to your question... hell yes... it is an invasion of her privacy!!! 

I don't care if she is carrying on an emotional affair or what, it does not give you the right to snoop!!!.

Look at it this way... how would you feel if your wife wanted to snoop in your business?  I don't think you would like it.  So don't do it to her!!

Anyway... it seems to me that your behavior is driving her away. 

I am not saying that she is perfect or that she is not responsible for her own choices and actions.... but getting on her case about who she talks with, rightly or wrongly is pushing her to this guy. 

Also if there is an emotional affair that is going on between these two, perhaps it is because this guy is providing something that you are not providing to your wife!

Please don't think that I am criticizing you, because I am not,  but just keep in mind that affairs usually don't just happen... there is some unhappiness in a marrage that drives one of the parties to seek attention elsewhere.

Anyway.... is you truly, truly  want to save this marriage, then you need to find a different approach to dealing with your wife. 

For starters, you need to stop with the criticizing and just be more loving, patient and kind. 

You can do that by learning to communicate better.  

BTW -- communication is NOT just something that is reserved for the bedroom, it something that you  need to do everyday with your wife about just plain old ordinary stuff.

How do you communicate better? 

Well... dont just talk about yourself, your job, your opinions, etc..  but encourage her to open up as well.  Ask your wife questions about her day, ask her opinions or her thoughts on this thing or that thing, be encouraging and positive, be kind, be attentive, REALLY, REALLY LISTEN to what she has to say... rather than listening and criticizing or just flat out ignoring what she has to say about things. 

Also seek out a marriage counselor... if she won't go, that doesn't mean you can't go on your own.

Good Luck,

Cricket

You are correct in saying that I drove her away. I know and understand that. I am now doing what I am supposed to do. It's a long story but I've posted on here a lot so if you get a chance you can read it. So, here's my situation, I know she is doing this, I do not know what they are talking about but at this point it doesn't matter. All I know is that they are talking for way too many hours. She is lying to me about how much they are talking. She says 5 - 10 min a day but it's an average of about 50 min a day.  She is not willing to go to counseling and I can't bring up the amount of time she is talking because I'm not supposed to know. I just want her to stop giving away her emotions to him and start focusing on fixing our marriage. I am going to counseling on my own, I have changed my ways and how I treat her and I'm doing it., it's just not doing any good as long as this hurdle is in the way. So the question is, if I don't snoop and let her know that I know how does the behavior stop? It is a catch 22 situation. The other issue is that she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. There are so many studies and information about emotional affairs that describe exactly what she is doing and I've brought this up to her and she thinks she is immune to it because it doesn't involve sex. well that's why it's called an "emotional affair". Anyway, I'm stuck on this. Thank you for you input I need as much as I can get.

Quick question.  Got a friend who is no longer going to be my friend shortly.  All I want to know is "why do some friends don't share other friends?"

I have a toxic friend who is angry at her sister because we are friends.  Point blank told her "she is my friend not yours" and she knows darn well that I am her sisters friend.

Hi,

My (recently made) former best friend and I met like 9 years ago, and both seemed to have alot of similarities than differences in qualities, both caring, empathetic, etc. And we had fun together, kept in touch when I moved far away,and now back (w/o family around) and I am at the hardest point in my life right now without family support around,etc finding out how competitive and jealous she can be. She is very insecure and sends numerous emails, most of which are her being insecure when I don't call  or email her right away sending me pics of things I was not invited to with her other friends tagging photos as great times with good friends, etc and constantly sending bragging about her young child, when I never do it to her and she is aware I am sure that I love mine just as much. I feel she has been very wrong and mean to me (obviously) and she sees me as negative always complaining, etc and I am realizing part of the root to my unhappiness is her behavior, jealousy (I don't think she is happy in marraige and may be jealous of my relationship (even though mine is NOT perfect, if in fact a real friend would feel bad about some of the things I have gone through in it, and not envy mine) But overall I feel mine is much healthier with a more involved partner, etc and she always brings up my career that I should be grateful for, and I should be more grateful for my house, my life, which only makes me blow my top! Anyways, I need to get her away from me, but know deep down she cares? and is a good person, but now sending me wierd emails to my other email account stating that her family website is now finished, etc when just yesterday she told me I am never happy with my life, no matter how good it is, that negativity only brings more negativity, etc the whole fight was that she pointed out in a painful way I should be more grateful of family I have around (THAT IS 1300 miles away and I never see, or hear from really since I moved!) to which I replied with alot of what I cannot say here, lol ANyways, just wondered what anyone thought s about this? I have tried to be a better friend I feel and alot harder than she has also. I tried hard to turn my cheek, and kept quiet about her ( I feel selfish, ? husband) So sorry so long! But thanks :")