Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

It sounds like you are in a situation where you have no power/control over what happens. You just know the facts: you have mad love for this man, he doesn’t feel the same way for you. This has been going on for six years; how much longer are you willing to live this way? If you are waiting for him to somehow, magically change the way that he feels, you are tricking yourself. You are probably thinking, ‘if he doesn’t love me at least a little bit, then why does he keep me around?’ the answer is this: because it is convenient for him. You love him more then he loves you, and that gives him all of the power in the relationship. He has the power to make or break your heart, and he knows it- that is a huge ego boost. If your friendship is so valuable to you, so important that you will accept that he treats his dog better then he treats you, then you have a very low opinion of yourself. Why would you accept a person who treats his dog better then you to continue to walk all over your heart?
My advice to you is to disconnect at least a little bit. Instead of spending all of your free time with him, make plans to do something else with someone else or alone - try it at least once or twice. See if that has any effect on the way that he treats you; good or bad. Take your personal power back. Don’t allow him, or anyone else, to have the power to “make” you feel badly about yourself. Do things that you enjoy, things that will give you a sense of accomplishment or fulfillment, because that is the best way to boost your self esteem. Get out and make new friends. I know it isn’t easy! One of the best way to make new friends is to volunteer. Think about things that you enjoy doing; if you love reading, volunteer at the library; if you love animals, volunteer at the animal shelter. These places need volunteers, and you will meet people who are so happy that you are there to help them. (In my experience, instant friendship!) This gives you a pool of friends to choose from, instead of just this one friend who holds all of the power. You need and deserve to experience true, deep happiness in your life. Don’t wait for someone else to deliver it to you; that won’t happen. Take control and go find it for yourself! I wish you the best!

I been friends with this girl name Kathy on and off for years.How do I walk away from trying to be her friend and stop  talking to her all together?I really need  someone to talk to.I feel so alone some days and I try and talk to her out of the blue online.Please email me at rkjm00@yhaoo.com if you have any advice on this.

Betty continued for a while. When Burt stopped responding to messages from her phone number she started sending messages from her husband Tom's phone and ended each message with her initials. When we figured it out, Burt took one of the messages to her husband at work and asked him what the letters meant at the end, he was baffled, of course, because he had not sent the message. Tom went home and asked Betty if she had sent Burt a message from his phone and she denied it, saying that one of the children must have been playing with the phone. We have not heard anything from her since. The damages remained low in the end and that was my desire. The only casualty really was the friendship between Burt and Tom, as they only "hang out" at work now. I just hope that it is all over now. This should make the company Christmas parties interesting though. ha ha  Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, advice and prayers.

I have a friend that I have been friends with for four years now.  We met at work and instantly had a special bond.  We were inseperable.  I was always one that had several friends, she was one that was a loaner.  I found myself spending all my time with her. We talked all day at work, had lunch with each other everyday, I would go to her house after work, etc.  When we started becoming friends, I was in a relationship and soon was engaged.  She was single, divorced, mother of one child.  We did everything together, I was with her all the time, more than my fiance.  With time, we controlled each other.  She did not want me to have other friends, we started fighting.  When we would fight, we would make each other sick, physically.  Our friendship started getting worse and worse and we would fight and fight. She then started dating a man that is much like her ex-husband, verbally abusive and an alcoholic.  I wanted nothing to do with it, too many problems for me to deal with.  One day we both decided to part ways.  I left the friendship saying nothing, she left the friendship saying everything mean she knew that would hurt me.  We both took new jobs.  We did not talk for 3 months. I got an email out of the blue.  She missed me, was depressed since we parted ways, but did not know how we could get back on track.  Her boyfriend was jealous of me, did not want me in her life (keep in mind I was pretty rude to him on several occasions).  I invited her to my wedding. She refused to come, wanted nothing to do with me at all, got upset that  I wanted to send her an invitiation.  After I got married, we started emailing, we started to get back on track.  We started to have lunch, would see each other pretty much weekly.  She wanted to jump back into my life full force, I was not ready for her to be back in my life like before and I do not feel I ever will be.  She recently declared her love for me.  I have asked her not to tell me how she feels if it is something like that.  She gets upset with me when I tell her to keep that to herself and that I don't want to talk about it.  As of two weeks ago, she is not not talking to me.  She said that she needs to clear her head and we need to not be close anymore because she gets her emotions confused.  Is this something that can even be fixed?  I miss my best friend but I hate all of the drama.  I am tired of being upset about this friendship and allowing it to bring me down but I feel like I cannot break lose from it no matter what.   Can we even be normal friends after all of this?

Before this friendship can move forward, you have to find the strength within yourself to forgive her. Forgiving her isn’t for her benefit, it is for YOU, so that you can heal and, hopefully, move forward to rebuild this friendship, making it a healthy one this time. It would be tragic if the two of you became friends again but went right back to your old, dysfunctional ways. What would be the purpose in going forward with the friendship unless you were going to make it a new and improved friendship? My advice to you is to make that your goal- to not slide into old, toxic habits. When you notice you and your friend having dysfunctional interactions, do not argue; instead, say to her, “when you said/did “insert what the issue is,” it made me feel bad. I want our friendship to be good and healthy, I don’t want us to go back into our old habits from the past…” Her reaction to those words will tell you whether that is a possibility or not. If she reacts in a defensive way, you’ll know that continuing this friendship won’t be possible because she isn’t ready for positive, true change in her life. She might react in a calm way; she may take in your words and learn from them, working towards creating a healthy relationship with you. That would be great!
I wish you the best. I know it can be confusing; what to do, what to say? But you can create healthy, positive friendships with or without this person in your life.

Thanks for the response.  I guess there are so many unhealthy issues in this friendship that I have so many doubts.  I am married, my Husband does NOT like her and has ever right to feel that way.  She lives with her boyfriend that despises me.  I don't know how much stress one friendship can take.  She allows her emotions to take control over her and then pushes me away once she cannot control them.  It is very strange to me.  We often have said we are almost addicted to one another.  We would rather be together than be with our men.  I just don't understand why we are this way.

I have been this mans friend for 11 years this youg girl came into his life anddestroyed him ,he has lost all of his friends and even his family hates to see him, he lost his job and his child to th state,which thank the gods his son is living with his parent and now he is losing his home, all because he thinks he can not live without this woman She is very nuts, sphycoti,says she hasevery disease there is, she is a hypercondriact,she has 2 children one has an eating disorder and very  quiet, I personally believe she gave him brain damage when she iolently hit him in the head and him and the high chair went flying across the kitchen and hit his head on the register and there are so many other things tis girla done to both children and my friend but theresto muh to list, he just cant get her out of his head and move on the statetold him what he could do to get his only son back home bu he gave up on him and went for hi caniving tramp i am at my witts end

I know that it is very painful to see your friend ruin his life and his child’s life, but you have no control over his decisions. It is very sad that this has happened to your friend; and at the same time, your friend allowed this to happen to him.
It is possible that your friend actually enjoys all of the chaos and drama that this woman brings to his life- it is sick but there are people like that. The only advice that I have for you is to have minimal contact with your friend, because it is too painful to hear all that he tolerates (and creates, just by staying with this woman) in his life. When you do get a call from him and he begins to vent; try not to feed into his victim mentality. He isn’t a victim, he is an active participant in the destruction of his life. For example, if he begins talking about some new chaos/drama that is going on, you can keep it simple and say something like, “wow that sounds so stressful. (validating his feelings) How is your mother doing these days? (changing the subject so that he can’t continue to vent about what a victim he is.)” To change the subject, ask about either something positive in his life or bring up something that is in the current news. It probably will be difficult to change your old pattern of listening to all of his issues, but you are doing this for him as well as for YOU. I wish you the best!

I would almost bet that he has a very low self esteem issue and has insecurities. He also probably does not believe he can do better. He is losing everything, his family, friends, home, did you ever think that may be he wants to ?????? I say, stay out of his life. If he hasn't come around and he managed to lose all what you say?????? He orchastrated it to be exactly that way!!!!! Think about. No one is a victim unless we let ourselves be........

It has come to my attention that I have a habit of not being able to say "go away" "stop" to people that are not good for me. Their intentions seem genuine, at first, then sex usually becomes a part of it with the men and even some women, and if sex isn't in the equasion, then its some kind of attachement that they feel towards me that makes them want to be around me. I have no time nor do I want to make time, for people of this sort, yet, on a daily basis I am confronted by men that approach me in sexual ways; even if I am not interested.

 

I go to therapy and she told me its because I am sending out mixed messages. I don't believe there is ever a nice way of rejecting someone, but it seems not doing so creates even more tension.  My  mothers boyfriend made a sexual comment to me (this is after she died last year) and he calls me weekly. I don't know how to deal with my hurt of his ability to see me as a sexual object, even though he has come to terms with it, and I am having a hard time being his friend because underneath I will never be able to forget he violated me and m y mom with his sexual needs. I know people have sexual needs, but how does a girl remain friends with men that she knows are intersted sexually? Is it possible?

 

To the men: Can you be friends with someone that does not want to have sex with you?