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Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:20:14 am
Author : dataimport
It can be hard to extricate yourself from a friendship gone bad. Share your stories and strategies for handling this sticky situation.

 
wolftehdev
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September 21, 2008, 12:03 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: kimikomine

You are very articulate and can get your point across. I doubt she was no able to understand what you were saying.

 

After much learning myself, from what you wrote, and I say that lightly because words can be dangerous, but impression is that you like to control your environment. You are social, literate, creative, a good person, compassionate and trying to make proper decisions. Yet, you quesion if you are being too picky; maybe apologize; then question if she is toxic; should say so long.........sit down and be honest with yourself. When we truly can love someone, we can handle criticisms, rejections, differences of opinion without creating an argument over them and you know why? Because we love ourselves enough to know that anyone criticisms or rejections are ok and allowed and it doesn't change anything about who we are. That it is someones elses version of love. You sound like you are caught up in the drama of her life and the expectations of your own. If you don't want to live with a person that flip flops, then don't flip flop. If you want honesty and trust, be honest and truthful. The answer to your quesions are already there. Why aren't you paying any attention to them?

Thank you so much for the advice! I've said many of the same things to myself but reading the words coming from another person just seems to make it so much more clear for me. I really appreciate the advice and I think you again.
 
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kimikomine
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September 21, 2008, 4:48 am PDT

I know you have thought this out.

Quote From: wolftehdev

Thank you so much for the advice! I've said many of the same things to myself but reading the words coming from another person just seems to make it so much more clear for me. I really appreciate the advice and I think you again.

When we stop trying to change what is real and right in front of us, we can make decisions that are better for our growth and well being. If we wait for someone or something to do something to make the decision easier, we are sitting on the fence. We can sit there for years and nothing significantly happens. So we have to make something happen. When things are stagnant, we question it, When things are chaotic, we question it. When things are good, are bad, we question it. Questioning why someone can hurt us, or lie to us, etc. is not going to make anything easier. When we question why that something or someone is able to get under our skin, thats where the meat is. People that piss us off are our best teachers. We don't like to feel angry, hurt, picked on, rejected, but when we think about how fragile we can be that someone else actually has the power to do this to us???! That is just another one of those oddly shaped beautiful gifts that the universe gives us to see how angry, hurt, picked on and rejected, we feel, in general. Once we see this, we can't be hurt by others words, actions but see it as a flag that something inside us is still in need of attention and tweeking. We question things ad nauseum and miss out on letting our good intuition and uniqueness steer us. I have learned not to question my feelings so mauch as to see what it is that I am experiencing and knowingly be prepared for it to change. :)))))

 

I
 
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ladytiger
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September 24, 2008, 7:46 pm PDT

"friend" broke up "friendship"

hi i am new here! this might be long and would this be considered a toxic friend? On monday night, i was hanging out with my fiance coming from my albertson's. my friend (now ex friend) called me and we were talkin about stuff. now, heres the thing i am getting tired of. she keeps sayin i miss u and i wanna see u yet she isnt willing to put the effort into driving down to my area. we are both 22, she only lives 29 mins from me. she makes it sound like i am in the boondocks, she doesnt know what far is tucson, az is 50 or so miles from where we live in AZ!

she has an Xterra which is her mom's SUV. i told her ur mom shouldnt of given u the SUV cuz everybody knows the bigger the vehicle the more ur gonna fork out for gas. she said when u have a car then we can talk, i said i dont have to have a car in order to know how much gas can cost! that is common freakin sense that is somethin she doesnt have at all. she thought i was gonna jump for joy when she said i wanna see u, i didnt believe it anyway. she said if ur gonna have an attitude then i dont need to have it. i said im not having an attitude its the facts of life if u dont wanna hear it not my problem. after that, she said somethin else but i already took the phone off my ear and i hung up.

now yesterday, she IM me on yahoo telling me she is deleting me off of yahoo and myspace. i said why and she said all i do is run my mouth. now i am being compared to our ex friend name Andrea cuz thats all she does is run her mouth! im nothing like Andrea and i dont run my mouth. the difference is i dont have enemies, my ex friend does! my nose is in my textbooks, so how would i have time to run my mouth? my fiance lives 18 miles from me, takes the bus (cant afford a car at the moment), and still makes the effort to see me! oh no, the ex friend cant make the effort? she says oh i spend 80 bucks on gas! thats her perfect excuse! if she was smart, dont worry about hanging out yet until u have a better job and save the money or find alternative gas so u can cut the cost. her excuse would probably be i dont wanna be one of those hippy eco friendly losers!

then she said now i see why stephanie and heather (her 2 friends that i know from high school) said ur a bitch cuz u r. i said i dont care what those hens think of me i really dont. then she said shut the hell up cuz i dont wanna hear anything else from u. gee that tells u what about her? i said u need to grow up, stop sending me mix messages about u wanting to see when in reality u dont. when u say one thing and say another, thats mix messages. my fiance said if she really wanted to see u, she wouldnt make gas and distance an issue its about being there for ur friend. heres a scenario im gonna make: lets say i have a car, she expects me to drive to her area lets say saturday. heres the catch: she is gonna expect me to do all the driving while she saves her precious gas and distance milage. thats her strategy! im sorry but i am no one's limo driver, i am not gonna help u save on gas its ur car ur responsibility not mine!

my best friend said ur not responsible for her gas, i said i know but she makes it sound like i need to give her 80 bucks! if she would of had a bigger vehicle than her SUV, she probably would be forking out 100 bucks a week and that is somethin im not gonna give her. after that on yahoo IM, i blocked her. i just told her basically u need to make an effort if u dont then i wont put any effort. i have already had this problem in the past when i was meeting some ppl. they were just like the ex friend always one excuse after another, they expected me to drive to their area to meet them! im like nope why should i do everything? they cursed me out too just the ex friend lol.

she called my fiance a loser, what a bitch. i could of easily called her a slut for sleeping with her ex bf who has a gf now, whos the mistress now? seems like to me he got what he wanted yet still is pursuing her. i didnt bother to argue with her on the internet. how many times has she yelled at me about my bad behavior in the past? not once did i say i wanted to end the friendship. i considered her an acquantice in high school, she didnt live up to the title as a friend.

whos the loser when she got hired for a 16/hr job then decided she didnt want it cuz the manager yelled at someone? who just moved back in with her mother? u know, i was doin some thinking lately. for 10 yrs of this so called friendship (acquainticeship) she has been manipulating, controlling, violent, demanding, rude, makes up stories, gossips, always demands where ive been, etc. u think a friend would be understanding? i told her i was bi and she didnt seem to approve wow some friend shouldnt of told her.  thought she could at least be sympathetic! in hs, she would make fun of ppl but hated it when u made fun of ppl with learning disabilities since she has one.

she only seem to be a friend when she felt like it, always jealous cuz i was hanging out with other ppl especially my best friend. she made it sound like we were in a relationship! she wonders why a lot of ppl didnt like her and still dont. what makes it worst is those hens steph and heather! they are such toxic ppl i dont know why ppl like them exist on this planet. steph is the worst she doesnt seem to like anybody thats how she comes across. the ec friend doesnt take credit when she is in the wrong, she always say if someone has a prob i want them to come to me about it. when u do, she blows up in ur face sayin ur a bitch and have an attitude prob.

i distanced myself from her a lot, she didnt get the clue as to why i wouldnt half answer my phone. wow talk about clueless. i was so tired of her damn abusive ways (emotional) didnt do somethin she would tell the world ur secrets. always put her nose somewhere it didnt belong! what i wanna ask in this group is how do u develop a backbone when u have friends whether u make new friends or still have ur currents letting them know what u do that is considered a bad attitude or bad behavior and let them know u wont put up with it? like lets work it out 1st if not then u need to get out of my life? ive always been bad about confronting my friends about certain things, i didnt want to "upset" them and make it sound like i was bein childish. my best friend said u shouldnt apologize for bein honest, if u did that u would be sugarcoating it which i would have been.

i also told the ex friend life doesnt revolve around u but she makes it out that it does. she is never understanding, but when it comes to her and stephanie oh she is understanding to her but not to me. i dont see how she keeps friends and puts them on a pedastal. also, i hate when she prances around like shes the only "good Christian" out there! she is very hypocritical, contradicting, and very critical of others when she needs to take a look at her behavior.

if anyone has any suggestions or comments let me know!
 
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snowqueeneh
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October 2, 2008, 6:53 pm PDT

Just Venting

I was friends with two girls for over 10 years... it was always the three of us.  Long story short... they both turned on me for hard drugs.  I guess I was not "cool" like them - plus I had two jobs and didn't have the time to be "cool" anyway lol.  Well I stopped talking to them 3 years ago.  I still think of them and we did have a few "not so choice" words on facebook a long while back.  They blocked me from their profiles. 

 

Well just recently they allowed me to see thier profile with pics of them on a trip to Cancun.  All I see iw beer in their hands in every picture.  It looks soooo boring.  I would rather go to Europe and see things... not sweat and drink myself stupid on a beach.  I wish I could tell them off but I won't. 

 

So I thought I would vent a little.  We all have young kids and I think they got thier act together... but I guess I'm still the bad b***ch.  Whatever :cP 

 

Since then my life has been way less stressful and I have found some old girlfriends (on facebook of course) that I have way more in commen with.  And I am going to say it again... I just wish I could tell them off - but I won't.
 
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angel111999
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October 4, 2008, 4:13 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: snowqueeneh

I was friends with two girls for over 10 years... it was always the three of us.  Long story short... they both turned on me for hard drugs.  I guess I was not "cool" like them - plus I had two jobs and didn't have the time to be "cool" anyway lol.  Well I stopped talking to them 3 years ago.  I still think of them and we did have a few "not so choice" words on facebook a long while back.  They blocked me from their profiles. 

 

Well just recently they allowed me to see thier profile with pics of them on a trip to Cancun.  All I see iw beer in their hands in every picture.  It looks soooo boring.  I would rather go to Europe and see things... not sweat and drink myself stupid on a beach.  I wish I could tell them off but I won't. 

 

So I thought I would vent a little.  We all have young kids and I think they got thier act together... but I guess I'm still the bad b***ch.  Whatever :cP 

 

Since then my life has been way less stressful and I have found some old girlfriends (on facebook of course) that I have way more in commen with.  And I am going to say it again... I just wish I could tell them off - but I won't.

Don't give them the time of day....telling them off might make them think you don't have a "LIFE" yet.
Silence is golden...
don't waste your energy on them...its
not worth it. just don't give them a chance to put you down again about telling other people how you treated them by telling them off. You will end being the "bad" person for doing that... that would mean more people will have something bad to say about you.
Go on with your "LIFE" without them and
"LIKE" the person who you are for having the "COURAGE" to get out of relationsjhips with both girls that would have only led to trouble. You did make
a good decision, so don't resort to anger
or resentment to get back at them. It will get you nowhere.
 
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angel111999
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October 4, 2008, 4:34 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: kimikomine

When we stop trying to change what is real and right in front of us, we can make decisions that are better for our growth and well being. If we wait for someone or something to do something to make the decision easier, we are sitting on the fence. We can sit there for years and nothing significantly happens. So we have to make something happen. When things are stagnant, we question it, When things are chaotic, we question it. When things are good, are bad, we question it. Questioning why someone can hurt us, or lie to us, etc. is not going to make anything easier. When we question why that something or someone is able to get under our skin, thats where the meat is. People that piss us off are our best teachers. We don't like to feel angry, hurt, picked on, rejected, but when we think about how fragile we can be that someone else actually has the power to do this to us???! That is just another one of those oddly shaped beautiful gifts that the universe gives us to see how angry, hurt, picked on and rejected, we feel, in general. Once we see this, we can't be hurt by others words, actions but see it as a flag that something inside us is still in need of attention and tweeking. We question things ad nauseum and miss out on letting our good intuition and uniqueness steer us. I have learned not to question my feelings so mauch as to see what it is that I am experiencing and knowingly be prepared for it to change. :)))))

 

I

I was impressed by
what you had to say about the "decisions"
You make and not spending time questioning. You sound like you have learned from your mistakes in you past about taking things that people say to heart.
When you are happy in your own skin, you do not allow other people's "negative" feelings to change you to their way of thinking. Those are unhappy people wishing you could be as unhappy as they are.
Having the "STRENGTH and "COURAGE" to be a "POSITIVE" person by not changing the person that you are,
will lead you down the path of "HAPPINESS"
to a better "FUTURE"!
 
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kimikomine
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October 11, 2008, 3:27 am PDT

Decisions about change.

Quote From: angel111999

I was impressed by
what you had to say about the "decisions"
You make and not spending time questioning. You sound like you have learned from your mistakes in you past about taking things that people say to heart.
When you are happy in your own skin, you do not allow other people's "negative" feelings to change you to their way of thinking. Those are unhappy people wishing you could be as unhappy as they are.
Having the "STRENGTH and "COURAGE" to be a "POSITIVE" person by not changing the person that you are,
will lead you down the path of "HAPPINESS"
to a better "FUTURE"!

Ever notice how easy it is to point out another person's handicaps, flaws, shortcomings? Ever notice how difficult it is to pinpoint what our handicaps are? We go to therapists, friends, priests, teachers, books, just to find out how to be happy. We look around and we see very clearly "why" someone is not good, but do we look at "why" we do the things we do that seemingly get us into the hotspot to begin with?

 

Our actions, thoughts, and words are the only things communicate who we are, what we are made of, it is wise to pay attention to how others are acting, thinking and preaching to us because that says a lot about the quality and type of person we are dealing with.

 

So when a person says they love you, that does not mean that boundaries are no longer necessary, morals are to remain ours, ethics are to be shared and explored, but when someone says they love you, says or does something makes you question their characters, it is important to realize that one is not being judgemental but knowing who "they " are as a person, and knowing who we are as a person, then making a wise decision to either allow that person in closer, or step away.

 

I am definately learning about myself more. More importantly I am finally seeing that not all people are good, and not all people deserve my time of day. And thats ok. :)
 
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