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Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Number of Replies: 486
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:20:14 am
Author : dataimport
It can be hard to extricate yourself from a friendship gone bad. Share your stories and strategies for handling this sticky situation.

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November 23, 2005, 6:41 pm CST

Old friends vs New Me

About a year ago i broke up from a long term relationship in which i was very much a "people pleaser". Since the break up i have learnt to be more assertive. I am finding that my old friends are not happy with me sticking up for myself and not going along with whatever demands they have of me. When i catch up with them, they want to know all the details of what i have been up to and who i have met. They are mostly couples, so their lives are fairly routine and i feel that they get enjoyment from hearing about my new single life. My problem is that i feel that they are judgemental and tell me what i should do in different situations and either approve or disapprove of what i have done. This has made me not want to see them as much, or to not want to share details of my life with them, which is making our friendships more distant. 

  

I feel that my choice is to be the friend they want me to be (the people pleaser who isn't me anymore) or let the friendships go if they can't accept the new me.  

  

Does anyone have any advice? 

 
November 26, 2005, 7:57 am CST

Toxic Friend with a Friend

Quote From: krissy86

I’ve known my friend (friend A) for nearly 8 years now.  We've been best friends for over 6 of those years.  A few months ago our friendship has been falling apart.  She has been getting closer to one of our mutual friends (friend B) that well to be honest isn’t the greatest example of a friend.  This girl can't be trusted with anything, she will pick a guy over you the second it’s possible (even if it’s your own guy) and very materialistic.  Nevertheless she is a fun person to spend time with.  One day this girl and I got into an argument.  Our argument was about me trying to tell her that what is going on between friend A and myself does not concern her.  Now my once upon a time best friend is extremely mad at me and refuses to talk to me.  We've all done things wrong throughout our friendship but yet I'm the one that’s treated like a criminal.  Every time I try to talk to friend A she refuses to listen and won't hear me out. Every attempt I’ve done to fix the friendship has failed.  I know this could be easily fixed if we could just talk to each other without the presence of the other girl but she refuses to talk to me without that girl being there.  I try to explain to her that our friendship shouldn’t be influenced or affected by somebody else.  Originally this was caused by lack of communication between friend A and me.  Friend B decided to get involved where she should have and it just created this large snowball of hurt that just won’t stop!  Now the trust, which was once very strong, between me and friend A has been completely ruined because she has told friend B and other individuals’ things about me which were very personal and friend A was the only person which knew these things.  I don’t know why she’s trying to get back at me like this.  Every time I try asking her about it she keeps bringing up friend B.  I just don’t know how to make her understand that we've all have a part in this.  I didn’t wake up one morning and decided to ruin the world, at least our world.  I tell her how she's hurt me just to get no response.  She’s not the same person anymore.  I don’t know if I should just cut my loses or maybe try something I haven’t thought of yet.  I just really don’t want to give up on something that meant so much to me before.  Have any advice on this childish feud? 

Krissy, 

  

I'm so sorry this has happened.  I had this same thing happen to me in high school.  I was dumb enough to stick around and let friend B use me.  She wedged herself between me and my friend A.  From my experience, friend B will soon work a number on friend A.  I'm sure she has a whole bunch of former friends that can attest to that.  My advise is to stay out of it.  Right now, friend B is using you, to get closer to friend A.  You are something to talk about and someone to attack together.  I would stay clear.  Let friend B have her.  When the "new wears off" friend A will be attacked as well.  At that time, you may be able to salvage your friendship.  However, it may be gone forever.  My friend and I never recovered from the ambush and abduction.  My friend B also dumped my friend A, within 6 months.  My Friend A suffered the most of all of us because in the end, she had no one.  I wish you luck and I feel you should take care of yourself.   

 
November 27, 2005, 5:17 pm CST

Distanced myself from one friend both lost two

I had two dear friends from college.  One was intelligent, care-free and still enjoys all of the amenities of living at home with her mom on the West Coast.  The other lives in the South and would be considered very academically accomplished, independent and is always looking to improve herself intellectually but sometimes very Southern.  Finally, I reside in the Midwest have been described as independent and driven.   

  

 

  

  

 

  

For the longest, we were considered The 3 Musketeers.  We took trips together; talk on the phone every Sunday afternoon and celebrated all major holidays via phone, greeting cards and/or presents.  Eventually, the Southern friend starting dating a guy, who she later moved in with  and as you may have guessed, we no longer talk to her as often but as we grew closer to each other.   We were somewhat offended when she would blow us off, somewhere in the back of our minds we knew relationships change and all 3 of us still remain friends. 

  

 

  

  

 

  

The more and more I spent time taking trips with my friend from the West Coast; I began to realize that she was not as care-free as people would be led to believe.  In fact, she found her to be extremely anal.  Her rules and comments began to be more and more annoying and misdirected toward me.  Where I once accepted her impatient, bossy and controlling behavior, I viewed it as something I could no longer tolerate.  She would even berate me when I didn’t return her calls within a certain time.  When I would explain that I was busy or tired and was going to call, she would cut me off mid-sentence to either get off the phone or change the subject.  Every time I came from a trip with her, I felt depleted by efforts to thwart her unnecessary acts boss me around and felt completely exhausted by her need to control my every move, as well as embarrass me with her comments in front of our other friends.

  

 

  

  

 

  

Finally, during our conversations she would often make under-handed remarks about people who sought education or who were involved in various extracurricular activities or committees chalking it off as them trying to prove something.   As a little bit background, you should know that she never finished her bachelor’s and in her thirties, she continues to live at home with her mom and within the past few years helps care for an elderly aunt.  Though, I wonder, why she has never finished her education and why she has never left home, I would never make mention of it or make disparaging remarks to her nor would I  describe a person similar to that in conversation.  I believe friends should encourage on another and build each other’s esteem.   I was so happy to finish undergrad that I sent all my friends (including her) a picture of me in cap and gown.   She, being my closest friend, never congratulated me.  I later completed an MBA while working one full–time job and internship over 3 years.  Though, I would never throw my educational accomplishments in someone’s face, I am very proud of myself and I believe this accomplishment doesn’t make me better than anyone but better than the person I was.

  

 

  

  

 

  

A couple of years ago, I went through a deep depression which was brought on by being relocated to a small town for work (where I knew no one), estrangement from my super overbearing mother and finally, job loss.  I was so overwhelmed with the events taking place in my life at the time (which include taking care of my mother financially), I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.   Coupled with the controlling behavior of my friend, I retreating and ceased communicating with all of my closest friends.  Including the 2 musketeers.

  

 

  

  

 

  

After about a year, I received a call from her (overbearing) on my birthday, I was so happy to her from and later both of them that I cried and apologized for not communicating with them.    My excuse was that was going through some tough times and isolation was the way I chose to deal with my struggles.  We were all happy to be in touch with one another again and each one of us was single again.  However, what had changed was that I was almost 7 months pregnant and told the one of them in the midst of a deep conversation.  She was extremely happy and encouraged me to tell our overbearing friend.  I cannot explain it to this day but I hid it from the overbearing one for almost a month.  Unfortunately, the day after I left it on her answering machine, I found out my baby, Gabriel, had died.   A day later I went through 13 hours of labor to deliver him still born.

  

 

  

  

 

  

After coming from the hospital, I called both the cell phone and home phone of the overbearing friend to talk with her.  She never returned my call.  I have never tried to call her again.  I realize that she has every right not to return call.   However, after the friendship we shared, I would think that the least I would have gotten was a call or card of condolence for my loss.  After all, I sent her flowers in the hospital when she had major surgery a few years ago.  I truly believe that she is angry for not being at her beck and call and that she is vindictive.  Often, I think it was for the best that we stopped talking.  It could have turned into something really ugly and unable to fix.  Other times, I miss talk to her.  I mostly miss the Southern one though.

  

 

  

  

 

  

We have all been there for each other when I come to talking about lovers, jobs and family, etc.  I think the friendship between the overbearing friend is over but now I feel like my estrangement has compromised one friendship that I want to maintain ----with the Southern one.  Although we talk maybe once, sometimes twice a month, I feel like the Southern one is excluding me to keep from getting involved.

  

 

  

  

 

  

What really hurts is the Southern friend has taken and planed trip with the Overbearing one and hasn’t even bother to invite me.   I know that she doesn’t want to get in the middle.  I certainly don’t expect her to choose however, I feel like our mutual friend IS choosing sides by spending vacations with her and not including me.  She never replied to an email I sent her inquiring about trip she mentioned over the phone.

  

 

  

  

 

  

I’m not sure if I should ask her what’s going on with our friendship or leaving it as it is.   Maybe this is how it should be.  I feel like I have lost two friends instead of one.  What are your thoughts?   What happen with two of three friends stop being friends?  What should I expect of the remaining relationship?   Am I wrong? I would appreciate any advice offered.  Thanks.

  

 

  

 
November 28, 2005, 3:05 pm CST

Distanced from 1 lost 2

Wright, 

  

I'm sorry to hear about Gabriel.  That must have been hard to deal with.  I have had a difficult time in the past, with a lot of unhappy life events back to back.  It is hard to pull yourself back up and I went through a period of isolation as well.  It must be some form of self preservation.   

  

Your 30 year old friend, living at home with mom, may be jealous of you.  She may view you as perfect, that is why she is always trying to knock you down.  She may be insecure.  Your friends may have grown closer during your off period.  It wouldn't hurt to ask your Southern friend what is going on.  She will either tell you, stay out of it or direct you to the other friend.  Maybe you can plan an event and invite both of them.  See what happens.  I hope this helps.  Good Luck, Texmess 

 
November 30, 2005, 4:21 pm CST

Ending Toxic Relationships

Quote From: parisienne

Thank you to all who answered my question about the Definition of Toxic. I am still sort of unclear as to the blanket definition. It is a such a popular term but the definition seems to be up to the individual labeling the offensive person (i.e. The Toxic Person) which I don't believe to be a fair thing. I could label someone Toxic because I don't like the fact that they don't like pink the same way I do-- I mean, it is a fad description run amok.   

   

   

   

I think that putting the reasons in a letter for a friend with whom you choose to sever contact is an excellent idea. However, please make sure that this letter actually explains the reasons and doesn't just resort to name calling and being hateful. Hurtful, accusatory letters don't make the person you are addressing feel any better.  

   

   

I don't know. I suppose the reason I am so intrigued by this question is that I don't think I will ever have the opportunity to sit and discuss this issue with the person in question because they are unwilling to even entertain the idea of a simple discussion to try and work out the issues. It is very hard for me to get past the idea that someone out there in the world wants nothing to do with me and has nothing but hateful things to say to anyone they can about me.   

   

   

They (this mother and daughter who have hurt me so) that I am toxic, and evil and that I need help. Well maybe I do need some help, but I have never thought of myself as being evil. This whole situation (see my blog http://diaryofabully.blogspot.com/ for the whole story) has caused me so much pain, but I can also say that it has caused me to examine myself very closely.  

   

   

I have gone through and dissected the friendship that I supposedly spent the better part of (as they accuse me) bullying my friend and "underminding her". I can't understand their accusations because realistically I didn't spend enough time with "Danielle" to have time to bully her. We weren't that close, but that makes the situation even more hurtful.   

   

I just need help in dealing with this accusation that she (and her mother) find me to be "an indecent person" for no apparent reason. At least they refuse to give me a reason. Instead they want to talk to all my friends and try to convince them that I am no good, and that I am dangerous.   

   

   

Luckily, all my friends think that she is crazy. I honestly can't see how I have ever offended her in the ways that she claims.  I am honestly trying to figure this out. I know that I am not perfect but I have been able to maintain healthy relationships, and this is the only one that has turned out to be this way.   

   

   

I can't completely understand why it hurts me so, but it does-- and I am still in the process of trying to figure it all out. I am still researching some clinical definitions of toxic friend, but it appears to me that it is a personal definition.   

   

   

If it is, indeed, a personal definition then it stands to reason that a person could make up reasons to get rid of someone else? Most of my good friends, and family have postulated that perhaps Danielle and her mother wanted an excuse to get rid of me as a friend?  

   

   

I have also heard that there are those people who routinely "clean out" their friends list. I have always thought this to be a rather cold and unfeeling thing to do. What ever happened to loyalty? Working out problems instead of dropping a friend faster than a bad habit?   

   

   

I have never been through this before and it is my first experience dealing with all out rejection like this. I am sorry if I seem obsessive or something, but I am trying to work it out and I feel like if I figure it out then I can get on with my life.   

In recovdering from a break up I have discovered a truth that is probably well known but was a whole new thought to me!!!  If I kept running the toxic results through my mind trying to rewrite the history, I found that stopping myself from going through the past and focusing on what I was doing for myself in the now stopped a tremendous surge of energy going into the toxic past.  There are some fancy terms for this.  Cognitive Therapy.  My thinking and dwelling on being a victim was making me a victin over and over again.  Perhaps being sensitive to toxic people will keep me from getting involved with people who are not healthy and mature.  The best to you in your endeavor. 

 
November 30, 2005, 5:21 pm CST

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: jeanniej70

wow, Seems like all you want her for is for her help, but not for her friendship which seems like that is what she wants from you. I mean you need to read what you wrote. the first hour you met her you asked her to watch your animals. That is some nerve. then you get mad when she wakes you up from a nap? I think you ARE using her to care for your animals. You dont want to hear her YAP, you cantbe bothered by her but you want her help. What a one sided realtionship. You want from her but dont want to give to her. I mean you want her help 4-6 times a month. I think you are riude to ask a neighbor for help that much. Maybe if you cant afford to board them then you need to not go. I mean serisouly read what you wrote. wow. I wish this lady could see how you really feel cause I am sure she would drop your ungrateful self like a hot rock! My suggestion,. .... dont travel or board your animals this is your burdon.

Well, you're right.  I really don't want her friendship.  This is/was a business arrangement from the gitgo.  I pay her to care for my cats.  I felt perfectly at ease asking her to watch them, because I included what I would pay her, per diam, when I asked her.  I don't consider that any different than someone I just met asking me to trim their Christmas tree, for pay.  I certainly don't feel they should be grateful - the pay is all the gratitude I want. 

  

It is she who wants a friendship, and I foolishly, got myself into it, before I knew we only have about 3 hours of the day to be friends, because she sleeps all day and I sleep all night.  And those 3 hours, I have work to do online. 

  

Oh, and I did not say I wanted her help 4-6 times a month, I said I am gone, ususally 4-6 days a month and that is in a row, not 4-6 times. 

  

My problem is how to get this woman to realize I am not interested in being her friend - I just wand her to work for me for pay, when I need her if she is free to do so. 

  

Maybe you're the one who needs to read my first post again.  :) 

  

  

 
November 30, 2005, 5:32 pm CST

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: wappny

Is it really necessary that one offer friendship in exchange for the service (which is paid for) of pet-sitting? I don't think so. Do we expect the cashier at the grocery store to be our friends (or vice versa).

I think that the better solution would to just be honest and explain one's time constraints and to say that they cannot spend time at certain parts of the day for conversation or other engagements.

I am a terrible morning person so I am sure to state that when someone asks me a favor. I sometimes do sacrifice some of my sleep time for favors, but I make it clear that it is something that I cannot do regularly.

I help teach ladies how to drive. Many times the only way I know them is through a mutual friend/acquaintance. Sometimes we have become more like friends, but usually the relationship remains more like an acquaintance. I come to the relationship knowing that they need me for something, I offer that something, and when my job is done I am left with all that I expected.


Thank you for that!  At least you seem to know where I am coming from, and I agree.  I don't think I am obligated to be friends with someone I am paying for a service. 

  

I can board my cats.  It will cost me a few $ more per day and it's not even an inconvenience to get them to the vet, since I pass by them on my way out of town.  They are old cats and it would simply be easier on them if I didn't have to board them. 

  

Like I said, my problem was how to let her know in a nice way I am not interested in a friendship, only to hire her when I need her.  I certainly don't think I am using her when I am paying her. 

 
December 2, 2005, 4:47 pm CST

Letter to a Toxic Friend-from my diary.

Debby:

  

 

  

 

You know I will tell you like it is.  I’ve not always done that with you, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  But over the last few days I have found you have no regard for any other person’s feelings other than your own.  I’ve spent several days, actually since August 26th trying to understand and figure out why you need to lie to the extreme extent you do.  (no, I am not even pretending I am any angle, not even close)  Consider this my declaration to stop enabling or tolerating your disgusting behavior that you unleash on those you call your friends.  I have researched Habitual Liars and Compulsive Liars and below is what I have found:

  

 

  

 

I’ve sat and heard you lie, and have even commented on it when you got off the phone.  I’ve seen you do the complete personality change from rage to sugar would melt in your mouth at the flick of a switch.

  

 

I’ve sat in a car and heard you lie to Cassandra and not bat an eye.  I’m sure it’s been the same with her.  I’ve witnessed lies from complete fabricated stories and events to what you had for breakfast. 

  

 

Last year when you were on a roll I asked someone if you had always done this, it was confirmed that you had.  It was at that time I really started to take note of all the lies.  From that point on I started checking on things you would tell me.  I could list page after page of all the lies you told me. 

  

 

“Some black friends of mine are coming in this weekend and have a beautiful home on Pleasant Valley road.  They have a house here and in the east.  They are super rich, could pay cash for a million dollar home if they wanted.  You should come out this weekend and go swimming when they get in.” (needless to say, you never called) 

  

 

After Cassandra and David actually moved here and I was talking to Cassandra one day.  That was when I realized how big you could spin your tales. 

  

 

You had lead me to believe that you guys had been friends for years, that they were so ‘upscale” and had two homes and blah blah blah.  It was all lies, Debby.  Yes they know of the tale you told.  We’ve all known it was a lie for about a year now.  But we loved you anyway. 

  

 

I just don’t understand what your reasoning would be to lie to me of all people.  I also don’t understand why you call Cassandra and David your friends, yet talk about the filth you think they live in and the damage they are doing to their home, or the damn pool at the farm.  Why the hell do you care??  I can not believe how naïve I was to think you were not running me into the ground as you do them.  You swing a heavy axe into the backs of those you call your friends.

  

 

Then I let my guard down.  Listening to you.  Knowing deep inside everything thing you would say was more likely a lie than the truth.  But I loved you anyway.  You were my sister, or so I thought. 

  

 

I watched you manipulate Julie Crowe and especially Carol Ann.  I was witness to you doing your best to come between those two, long before the “incident”.  I didn’t understand it but accepted it. 

  

 

I watched as you would pump Carol Ann for information to do nothing more than to spread whatever she told you.  Much was extremely personal.  You did the exact same thing to Julie McCormick.  I don’t know why it didn’t dawn on me you would do the exact same to me.  I guess because you made me feel like I was really special to you. 

  

 

I have sat across the table from you and tell a story that I knew was not close to the real story and said nothing.  I enabled you.  I regret that very much. 

  

 

I have watched you plant seeds, stage events and then go in for the kill in your business and personal life.  You are cunning and extremely intelligent.  I have come to learn any and all actions you take is nothing more than a setting for manipulation on the horizon.

  

 

Then this summer came.  Holli noticed sometime just before the 4th of July that we hardly heard from Cassandra and David or Candy.  I chalked it up to all the drama going on in your life.  I would ask you about them and you would tell me that you hardly heard from Cassandra or that you talked to her the other day and she was in a funk.  I made the mistake of letting you be the single source of my contact with them.  She made the same mistake. 

  

 

You lead her to believe that Steve and I were having problems of some sort and I was angry all year.  You would never be specific.  You would dissuade her from calling me to check in.  Debby, you did this, there is no need to pretend you didn’t.  When she brought this up to me, David was there and confirmed you lead them to believe this.  Yet, when I confronted you about it, right in front of Cassandra, you still continued to LIE!  Blatantly LIE!  That is when I knew I could never trust you again. 

  

 

Her mouth fell open as did mine.  You even compounded the lie.  Debby, I had spoke with Cassandra many time the day you made the story up about calling her and that she told you she asked me what was wrong with Steve and I because she figured I must be mad about something or I would have come over to do her porch.  Debby, that was a complete fabrication.  She did not tell you that.  You called her alright, but that is not what she told you.  Later that day, I called you and bluntly asked you about that story again, and you swore that is what she said.  (be careful about doing that kind of thing, with 3-way calling Cassandra could have very well been on the line listening to you lie). I gave you every opportunity to come clean and you failed.  You took your lie and involved Cassandra in the explanation of it.  What kind of friend is that??? 

  

 

How many times did you tell me the line of BS about what you guys did on the 4th of July?  You never could tell me that you and everyone including the dogs piled in on Cassandra and David at the farm.  I gave you several chances to see if you would tell me the actual truth and you NEVER could do it.  Why did you feel it was something to lie about?  Why did you do your best to keep me as far away from our group this summer as possible?

  

 

You would tell me story after story and NEVER mention that your sister Becky was in anyway close to this place.  Yet, event after event was happening.  I wasn’t even allowed to know that I could come over to Cassandra’s for coffee.  You kept me thinking she didn’t want to see anyone and was not very sociable all year.  WHY?

  

 

You would tell me it was you and Sarah doing this or that, and NEVER mention Becky.  It was you and Sarah that ruined David and Cassandra’s trip to Mississippi over watering the ferns and the alarm going off.  You stopped by to tell me how wonderful Cassandra’s hair looked and I should come over to see it.  You told me several times you did her hair and it looked so good.  You NEVER mentioned Becky being the real person to do it.

  

 

I have racked my brain trying to figure out why you have acted like a 7 year old.  I have come up with nothing.  However, I noticed several similarities in the Carol Ann and Julie Crowe relationship. 

  

 

To add to your unhealthy and unacceptable behavior, you started hurting Holli’s feelings.  We let this go on 2 weeks too long.  You started acting even more childish.  Wanting your picture first, (how childish) no reference to going to www.holligrubb.com to see the virtual tour.  Even though she spent HOURS working on it.  You started getting Martha to do things for you like you used to do.  You began redoing everything Holli had done.  Basically removing her “scent” from things you guys had done together.  She noticed it and you were sending your message very clearly. 

  

 

THEN, you tried to get by with not including her with the Lexington Avenue listing.  Did you think you could sneak that by her?  She is NOT stupid. 

  

 

I again gave you a chance to explain your behavior and during 3 questions you lied on each answer:

  

 

Q: Is Holli on that Lexington Avenue Listing, you told her since she was sick you would just sign her name to the listing agreement.

  

 

A: I don’t know

  

 

Q: She’s not on the listing agreement.

  

 

A: Yes, she is. Just look on the computer.

  

 

Q: She did.  And it’s under your MLS number only.  She is not on there at all.  Even the description says to call you only.

  

 

A: Well, she’s not even met the people. (duh!  Wonder why that is.  You even had a second appointment with them on Thursday and you didn’t even mention to her anything about attending) She is going to get a referral fee.

  

 

I just don’t know what kind of relationship/friendship I could have with a person who lies to me with every breath and would treat my child they way you did.  This letter is not intended as a warning, just a cleansing.  However, if you EVER do anything to hurt or cause damage to my child it will not go unnoticed!  I have spent the last several days recapping, recalling and journaling every thing I know you have done to those you say you care about.  You have awoke a sleeping giant so to speak.  What you did to me is one thing, but you mess with my child and fury will be unleashed beyond your comprehension.

  

 

Two more days have passed since you were confronted on the Lexington Avenue listing and you have not corrected the listing agreement.  YOUR LACK OF CORRECTIVE ACTION CONFIRMS IT WAS NOT MISTAKE AND WAS A DILIBERATE ACT.

  

 

If I was to hurt your son or say Maggie how would you feel?  Angry?  Outraged?  Vengeful?  Me, I’m disappointed in you.  Holli said to me the other day that she felt bad because she at one time looked up to you.  She thought we were family.  How many times did you come off as being her other mom?  She is three times the person you will ever be.  You didn’t have to stab her in the back, Debby.  Nor did you have to invent story lines about me. 

  

 

What I question is:
What was your motivation? 
What end did you expect? 
What other wild stories have you told about me personally and to whom?
Do you know the difference between truth and tale?
Is the behavior why your relationships are short lived?
Why do you not want anyone in your house anymore?  (what is going on in there?)
Have you ever or are you going to try and get some help with this lying problem?
Do you enjoy the havoc you inflict on other?
How many others know the depth of this problem?
Do you always abuse friends in this manner?
Why do you take so much and give so little to a friendship?
Why do you think you always have to run the show, be the boss, tell everyone what to do.  Done to the point of what furniture they should buy for their home.  I’ve seen inside the rooms you keep the doors shut tight on, Debby they are disgusting.  Junk everywhere! 
Why do you put on the plastic façade, when none of it’s real?  Narcissism?
(I thought maybe when you read that info you want about Becky you would recognize yourself in there somewhere)
Do you think everyone is to meet your standards or are only there to please you??
Why can you not do something for other that is just from the heart?
Have you ever sought help with your out of control shopping, especially clothes.  I’ve seen it all.  Racks and Racks and Racks of clothes.  Your bed piled high with them, every closet packed full.  Where do you sleep?  On the floor still?
Why do you feel like you should be the good parent police?  You seem to know how terribly Carol Ann and Cassandra raise their children, but mother of the year, you ARE NOT!  It is a subject of humor when your name and children are mentioned together.   Are you jealous of your friend’s relationships with their children?  

  

 

What I do know is that I have been a good, faithful and reliable friend to you.  I have given much more that I have taken.  I have dropped everything to come to your rescue.  You have done little to contribute.  In fact if you do one tiny meaningless thing for someone you call a friend, you lay a guilt trip on them for it.  You would not even leave a message from me to Angie when I needed medication!!!!

  

 

You used to ask me over for coffee, but in reality you wanted me to take you somewhere, pack your damn mulch home, paint your porch, put something you bought together and on and on.  On occasion you would offer to help me paint.  You didn’t do anything constructive to help.  All you did was go back over anything I had done and piddle with it for hours.  Even the one day you helped at Roxanne’s when Steve had surgery.  You did nothing but talk to Roxanne all day.  The only thing I can think of that you ever did that help my work day move along was painting one closet.  That was it, and that was just one time.  I also know you have told how you send me all kinds of business and you and I know that is not true.  I’ve only did two houses that you had listed.  How many years have I known you?

  

 

I can no longer be a friend to you this way.  I do not trust you.  I do not believe anything no matter how trivial it is that you say.  I do not take all your drama very seriously anymore since you exaggerate or create .

  

 

If you ever decide to change your behavior and prove you are worthy of my friendship, give me a call.  Until then, you are on your own.  Find someone else to use and abuse.  You will wake everyday wishing you had me or Holli to call upon for assistance, and guess what?  You no longer have that luxury. 

  

 

You said you wrote Carol Ann a letter such as this when she was hounding you with her problems. (if you did or not is unknown, since it was probably a lie) This is my letter to you.  This is an inventory of our friendship and it’s piss pour isn’t it. 

  

 

Good luck to you.  Also let this also be known, your presence will not stop me from visiting Cassandra, Angie, Candy or anyone else we both know.  Do not think that if I stop by and you are there I will just drive on by, that will not happen.  You do not have that kind of power. 

  

 

  

 

Tuesday September 6, 2005:

  

 

Well Debby, today Holli saw that you were having Martha print out some brochures on that Lexington Avenue home listing that you tried to scam Holli out of.  This is so funny, or I think so anyway.  All you got was the MLS sheet with no interior pictures, nor any virtual tour link and a print out of the utilities straight from the utility company site.  What a joke.  Before you fucked over Holli, she would put together a complete booklet, with several pages of full color photos (interior and exterior), the utilities, the MLS and disclosure sheets.  All on specialty paper and bound.  Costing Holli about $4.00 a piece.  Then you would want 10-20 of them.  Holli would deliver what you thought was needed and more.  Now look what you’ve got.  Piss poor as far as I can tell. 

  

 

Was it not just last week you were having some kind of psychotic episode over two pictures that had a slight pink cast to them on another listing.  We all know now that was just an excuse for Martha to take as much of Holli off the booklets as possible while Holli was out of town.  (Do you have any idea how petty it was to “want your picture to appear first”?  I thought you were a grown woman?  Aren’t you well over 50 years old?) You didn’t even want a link to her website in the booklet where the virtual tour was located.  Damn, Debby!  Martha isn’t going to spend hours putting first rate information books for you is she?  Looks like you are already suffering.  I thought you had to have every thing so fucking high class.  By the way, you might want to get Holli’s permission to use any and all pictures she took, you know, so there won’t be any copyright infringement.

  

 

  

 


 
December 2, 2005 

Well Debby, you’ve not even slowed down have you.  You have closed on two houses now, the one you screw Holli out of and the one she well deserved ½ of the commission.  All you gave her was a friggin’ referral fee!  Left her holding the bag with all the hours of work done, the full expense of advertising and printing cost!  To date you owe Holli over $2000.00!   

  

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

 
December 11, 2005, 3:31 pm CST

Ending Toxic Friendships

I am trying to end a toxic friendship right now, and I would like some advice from you guys if you would be so kind? 

My story: 

A while back I got to know one of my fiancé's friends and we became good friends very quickly. He, my new friend, had some emotional problems and I helped him out by being a good lisstener and supporter. He had very good values and ideals, more simular to mine than my own fiancé has. But my fiancé started to disslike him since they were both feeling down and none of them had it in them to help the other one out at that time, instead they started to feel like the other one was letting them down. 

This friend is very needy and wants constant reasurance to know that he can trust me and that I care "enough" about him to qualify as a friend at all. He put me to a test once, when he whenever I'd come to visit he'd allways bring difficult topics up just as I had to leave - just to see if I would stay or not. I told him multiple times that I really had to go and when he got angrier and angrier I'd run out of his appartment, scared of his agressions towards me. 

He has told me that if I really cared about him I should have stayed even though I had other places where I had to be, and that I was a stupid moron for not understanding that. He has also told me that I am a great dissapointment to him and the list goes on. He cut me real deep, especially since I was only trying to do my best to support him and at the same time support my fiancé in their hardships and even though they weren't friends anymore. 

  

He has appologised for this behaviour on several occations, but he still can't decide if he wants to be my friend or not, probably because of trustissues and the fact that he has romantic feelings for me that my fiancé does not aprove of. 

I want him out of our lifes mostly because it hurts my fiancé that I have a friendship with a man who has hurt us both badly and our relationship. But at the same time my friend tries to stay friends with both me and my fiancé in an on/off sort of manner. 

We're affraid that he would take an official ending of our friendship as a declaration of war considering his short temper and passed behaviour. 

He seemed like such a sweet man in the beginning of our friendship, but now he's managed to go against most of his good values! 

  

Please, any advice would be helpfull! 

 
December 13, 2005, 4:04 pm CST

MANIPULATIVE FRIEND.......

Quote From: ivan_ho

I am trying to end a toxic friendship right now, and I would like some advice from you guys if you would be so kind? 

My story: 

A while back I got to know one of my fiancé's friends and we became good friends very quickly. He, my new friend, had some emotional problems and I helped him out by being a good lisstener and supporter. He had very good values and ideals, more simular to mine than my own fiancé has. But my fiancé started to disslike him since they were both feeling down and none of them had it in them to help the other one out at that time, instead they started to feel like the other one was letting them down. 

This friend is very needy and wants constant reasurance to know that he can trust me and that I care "enough" about him to qualify as a friend at all. He put me to a test once, when he whenever I'd come to visit he'd allways bring difficult topics up just as I had to leave - just to see if I would stay or not. I told him multiple times that I really had to go and when he got angrier and angrier I'd run out of his appartment, scared of his agressions towards me. 

He has told me that if I really cared about him I should have stayed even though I had other places where I had to be, and that I was a stupid moron for not understanding that. He has also told me that I am a great dissapointment to him and the list goes on. He cut me real deep, especially since I was only trying to do my best to support him and at the same time support my fiancé in their hardships and even though they weren't friends anymore. 

  

He has appologised for this behaviour on several occations, but he still can't decide if he wants to be my friend or not, probably because of trustissues and the fact that he has romantic feelings for me that my fiancé does not aprove of. 

I want him out of our lifes mostly because it hurts my fiancé that I have a friendship with a man who has hurt us both badly and our relationship. But at the same time my friend tries to stay friends with both me and my fiancé in an on/off sort of manner. 

We're affraid that he would take an official ending of our friendship as a declaration of war considering his short temper and passed behaviour. 

He seemed like such a sweet man in the beginning of our friendship, but now he's managed to go against most of his good values! 

  

Please, any advice would be helpfull! 

This "friend" sounds more like an enemy! 

I think since you are worried if you make an official statement that the friendshipi is over that he will do 'something', that you and your fiance just need to put more and more space between yourselves and this man. When he calls, don't answer, and don't return his messages, either... give him the quiet brush off. This way no new hurts can be caused. When/if you do see this person in passing, you can smile and say "hi" and casually ask him how he is doing, but always keep the topic on HIM. Ask him about his life, whats new, etc.. don't allow him any personal power by giving him information about yourself or your fiance, this will only bring him back into the friendship, or give him a false sence of friendship. 

It sounds like this man is very manipulative, so its best to do this slowly. He 'seemed' so sweet because thats part of his act. A real friend doesn't give you "tests" and then tell you what a failure you are!! A real friend would totally understand that you have places to go and things to do, especially since HE isn't working, you are the one who has stuff to do. He sounds like a class-A jerk. Don't waste any more of your life on this "friend", its not worth it. Life goes on.  

 
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