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Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Number of Replies: 486
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:20:14 am
Author : dataimport
It can be hard to extricate yourself from a friendship gone bad. Share your stories and strategies for handling this sticky situation.

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October 4, 2008, 4:34 am CDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: kimikomine

When we stop trying to change what is real and right in front of us, we can make decisions that are better for our growth and well being. If we wait for someone or something to do something to make the decision easier, we are sitting on the fence. We can sit there for years and nothing significantly happens. So we have to make something happen. When things are stagnant, we question it, When things are chaotic, we question it. When things are good, are bad, we question it. Questioning why someone can hurt us, or lie to us, etc. is not going to make anything easier. When we question why that something or someone is able to get under our skin, thats where the meat is. People that piss us off are our best teachers. We don't like to feel angry, hurt, picked on, rejected, but when we think about how fragile we can be that someone else actually has the power to do this to us???! That is just another one of those oddly shaped beautiful gifts that the universe gives us to see how angry, hurt, picked on and rejected, we feel, in general. Once we see this, we can't be hurt by others words, actions but see it as a flag that something inside us is still in need of attention and tweeking. We question things ad nauseum and miss out on letting our good intuition and uniqueness steer us. I have learned not to question my feelings so mauch as to see what it is that I am experiencing and knowingly be prepared for it to change. :)))))

 

I

I was impressed by
what you had to say about the "decisions"
You make and not spending time questioning. You sound like you have learned from your mistakes in you past about taking things that people say to heart.
When you are happy in your own skin, you do not allow other people's "negative" feelings to change you to their way of thinking. Those are unhappy people wishing you could be as unhappy as they are.
Having the "STRENGTH and "COURAGE" to be a "POSITIVE" person by not changing the person that you are,
will lead you down the path of "HAPPINESS"
to a better "FUTURE"!
 
October 11, 2008, 3:27 am CDT

Decisions about change.

Quote From: angel111999

I was impressed by
what you had to say about the "decisions"
You make and not spending time questioning. You sound like you have learned from your mistakes in you past about taking things that people say to heart.
When you are happy in your own skin, you do not allow other people's "negative" feelings to change you to their way of thinking. Those are unhappy people wishing you could be as unhappy as they are.
Having the "STRENGTH and "COURAGE" to be a "POSITIVE" person by not changing the person that you are,
will lead you down the path of "HAPPINESS"
to a better "FUTURE"!

Ever notice how easy it is to point out another person's handicaps, flaws, shortcomings? Ever notice how difficult it is to pinpoint what our handicaps are? We go to therapists, friends, priests, teachers, books, just to find out how to be happy. We look around and we see very clearly "why" someone is not good, but do we look at "why" we do the things we do that seemingly get us into the hotspot to begin with?

 

Our actions, thoughts, and words are the only things communicate who we are, what we are made of, it is wise to pay attention to how others are acting, thinking and preaching to us because that says a lot about the quality and type of person we are dealing with.

 

So when a person says they love you, that does not mean that boundaries are no longer necessary, morals are to remain ours, ethics are to be shared and explored, but when someone says they love you, says or does something makes you question their characters, it is important to realize that one is not being judgemental but knowing who "they " are as a person, and knowing who we are as a person, then making a wise decision to either allow that person in closer, or step away.

 

I am definately learning about myself more. More importantly I am finally seeing that not all people are good, and not all people deserve my time of day. And thats ok. :)

 
November 19, 2008, 2:52 pm CST

Need Advice

I met my Best Friend 26 years ago when I was 13 years old not only is he my best friend but my first love. We dated all through high school until I was 18 when he told me he was gay. Including becoming his drug and party buddy. I did everything I could to accept it and still remain friends with him. He was continually sending me mixed messages making me think we still had a chance at being together. I finally got tired of the party life and got clean. We lost touch with each other for about 8 years after I got married and i went on to have 2 wonderful children with my husband. I was clean for 10 years. He resurfaced about  7 years ago and my life has been a complete roller coaster ever since within a month of his return I was using again and ended up leaving my husband on the promise that he wanted to be with me. within the next year I lost custody of my children because of bad choices I made and my drug use. I left him after 6 months when he became increasingly violent with me. Thank God my husband took me back and our marriage is stronger than ever unfortunately the bad decisions I made during that time have cost me the chance to raise my wonderful sons. The amazing part is that I have been unable to completely walk away from him we still talk on the phone almost every night and see each other once every couple of months or so and although I have managed to stay drug free I still seem to only make bad decisions when I am with him.  He suffers from mental health issues and is still using on a daily basis and keeps my on a complete emotional roller coaster. Though I know i would never again leave my wonderful husband. I live to hear his declarations of love and how he is going to change how he wants us to be together. I have recently come to realize that he tends to say these things when he is using. Anyway 2 days ago he tried to kill himself by overdosing on pills fortunately he didn't succeed. I received the news 10 minutes before a very important call back for a part i was auditioning for and I completely blew the audition. I love him but I can no longer handle these ups and downs and empty promises. and I can not live everyday of my life waiting for the call that he has succeeded and killed himself. I guess my question is how do I let him go? he has been a part of my life for so long. I know I have to do this for my own mental health. But how?
 
November 19, 2008, 5:16 pm CST

Re: Women's Facts of Life?

In my younger days pre-teens to early 20's i had a very good friend. We sharde a religeon that basically forbade friendships with anyone outside the religeon. She got married when she was very young and i was her maid of honor at her wedding. The marriage lasted about 3 yrs. until she ended up having an affair with another man. I didn't chastise her, reproach her and tried to be sympathetic. I was married now and after several 'flings' she ended up pregnant by a man who did not want to marry her. We both migrated away from the religeon we were involved in when we were young. She was kicked out and i just quit going and began to investigate other areas of spirituality. The father of her child married her and she came to my house to tell me that she couldn't be my friend anymore as she was returning to our old religeon and that i would be 'unsuitable for her to associate with me'. Of course, in view of the fact that i had stood by her when she was kicked out of the religeon and had continued to be her friend when she had cheated on her first husband ( a very nice guy that truly loved her IMO)I felt really betrayed but , sent her on her pious way to go and embrace a religeon she didn't value enough to work out her problems with the first husband for. Later on i heard that her re-affiliation only lasted about 5 yrs.i always thought how sad it was that we had been so close during our youth. Well, a few yrs. ago she had divorced husband #3 and we ended up having some contact which seem to rekindle our old friendship. She came and stayed at my house , we called and emailed each other etc. until man # 4 has appeared on the scene. Nowi have had one phone call and one email from her over the last 6 months. I have noticed women doing this over and over again. When they R married...NOTHING but the MAN is important. Then when it breaks up ...which it inevitably will...U can't just have that one all-consuming relationship w/o it burning out fairly quickly. I had divorced my husband of 20 yrs. when we 'reconnected' but, maintained my friendships even when i was dating different guys. My question is Should i call it to her attention that she's basically 'dumped' me twice in our lives for other things(religeon -a new man) or remain silent and wait until this relationship ends with man#4?Then, when she wants a shoulder to cry on and fill her empty time, tell her 'tough stuff'!  And, WHY could someone pleeeze tell me WHY do women play this childish 'in' if UR man-obsessed and smirkily left out of things when UR single? It seems like women especially can be SO disloyal when they R in their new man-obssessed phase! I can see it maybe when it's UR first love, but we R in our mid-50's and it's STILL going on! Am i the only one facing this?
 
November 21, 2008, 3:35 am CST

THE BOTTOM LINE IS MOST WOMAN DO LIKE TO BE ALONE

Quote From: kgirl1955

In my younger days pre-teens to early 20's i had a very good friend. We sharde a religeon that basically forbade friendships with anyone outside the religeon. She got married when she was very young and i was her maid of honor at her wedding. The marriage lasted about 3 yrs. until she ended up having an affair with another man. I didn't chastise her, reproach her and tried to be sympathetic. I was married now and after several 'flings' she ended up pregnant by a man who did not want to marry her. We both migrated away from the religeon we were involved in when we were young. She was kicked out and i just quit going and began to investigate other areas of spirituality. The father of her child married her and she came to my house to tell me that she couldn't be my friend anymore as she was returning to our old religeon and that i would be 'unsuitable for her to associate with me'. Of course, in view of the fact that i had stood by her when she was kicked out of the religeon and had continued to be her friend when she had cheated on her first husband ( a very nice guy that truly loved her IMO)I felt really betrayed but , sent her on her pious way to go and embrace a religeon she didn't value enough to work out her problems with the first husband for. Later on i heard that her re-affiliation only lasted about 5 yrs.i always thought how sad it was that we had been so close during our youth. Well, a few yrs. ago she had divorced husband #3 and we ended up having some contact which seem to rekindle our old friendship. She came and stayed at my house , we called and emailed each other etc. until man # 4 has appeared on the scene. Nowi have had one phone call and one email from her over the last 6 months. I have noticed women doing this over and over again. When they R married...NOTHING but the MAN is important. Then when it breaks up ...which it inevitably will...U can't just have that one all-consuming relationship w/o it burning out fairly quickly. I had divorced my husband of 20 yrs. when we 'reconnected' but, maintained my friendships even when i was dating different guys. My question is Should i call it to her attention that she's basically 'dumped' me twice in our lives for other things(religeon -a new man) or remain silent and wait until this relationship ends with man#4?Then, when she wants a shoulder to cry on and fill her empty time, tell her 'tough stuff'!  And, WHY could someone pleeeze tell me WHY do women play this childish 'in' if UR man-obsessed and smirkily left out of things when UR single? It seems like women especially can be SO disloyal when they R in their new man-obssessed phase! I can see it maybe when it's UR first love, but we R in our mid-50's and it's STILL going on! Am i the only one facing this?
Your girlfriend is a selfish selfcentered person who wants a friendship when she does not have a man in her life.

Even if you brought it
to her attention how she treats you each time she gets married and doesn't bother
with you, that will not change her. She already has her set ways.

You need not take
what she does personal. You sound a very nice person who has been hurt over
and over again by her actions.

Now is the time to break off the friendship completely since she is only abusing you. She does what she wants when she wants to not taking your feelings into consideration.

Actually, you are better off without her. She only fills your life with anxiety with you never knowing when she is going to dump you next for another man.

Remember this statement...."LIFE is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it".

Don't let her get to
you again. This is an unhealthy friendship
for you to be in. You are deserving of "True Friendship" not what she thinks Friendship is.

Hold yourself to the highest standards. Don't give into her selfish ways. Open
your arms to change but don't let go of
your values. Her "NEGATIVE" energy
is not good for you.

BEST OF LUCK

Bella Angel
 
November 21, 2008, 3:59 am CST

HERE IS A THOUGHT FOR YOU

Quote From: kimikomine

Ever notice how easy it is to point out another person's handicaps, flaws, shortcomings? Ever notice how difficult it is to pinpoint what our handicaps are? We go to therapists, friends, priests, teachers, books, just to find out how to be happy. We look around and we see very clearly "why" someone is not good, but do we look at "why" we do the things we do that seemingly get us into the hotspot to begin with?

 

Our actions, thoughts, and words are the only things communicate who we are, what we are made of, it is wise to pay attention to how others are acting, thinking and preaching to us because that says a lot about the quality and type of person we are dealing with.

 

So when a person says they love you, that does not mean that boundaries are no longer necessary, morals are to remain ours, ethics are to be shared and explored, but when someone says they love you, says or does something makes you question their characters, it is important to realize that one is not being judgemental but knowing who "they " are as a person, and knowing who we are as a person, then making a wise decision to either allow that person in closer, or step away.

 

I am definately learning about myself more. More importantly I am finally seeing that not all people are good, and not all people deserve my time of day. And thats ok. :)

Don't forget the quality of your life will be determined by the quality of the people in your life.

Don't accept unacceptable behavior.

Never compromise your integrity.

It is so important for us to recognize that we should not be with a person who we think might change to our liking. What you see is what you get.

When it is time to break off a relationship with someone, don't think that waiting will make it easier. Don't let anyone bring you down.

I hope the best for you.

Bella Angel
 
November 21, 2008, 4:27 am CST

THIS MAN IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU

Quote From: dmstrinity

I met my Best Friend 26 years ago when I was 13 years old not only is he my best friend but my first love. We dated all through high school until I was 18 when he told me he was gay. Including becoming his drug and party buddy. I did everything I could to accept it and still remain friends with him. He was continually sending me mixed messages making me think we still had a chance at being together. I finally got tired of the party life and got clean. We lost touch with each other for about 8 years after I got married and i went on to have 2 wonderful children with my husband. I was clean for 10 years. He resurfaced about  7 years ago and my life has been a complete roller coaster ever since within a month of his return I was using again and ended up leaving my husband on the promise that he wanted to be with me. within the next year I lost custody of my children because of bad choices I made and my drug use. I left him after 6 months when he became increasingly violent with me. Thank God my husband took me back and our marriage is stronger than ever unfortunately the bad decisions I made during that time have cost me the chance to raise my wonderful sons. The amazing part is that I have been unable to completely walk away from him we still talk on the phone almost every night and see each other once every couple of months or so and although I have managed to stay drug free I still seem to only make bad decisions when I am with him.  He suffers from mental health issues and is still using on a daily basis and keeps my on a complete emotional roller coaster. Though I know i would never again leave my wonderful husband. I live to hear his declarations of love and how he is going to change how he wants us to be together. I have recently come to realize that he tends to say these things when he is using. Anyway 2 days ago he tried to kill himself by overdosing on pills fortunately he didn't succeed. I received the news 10 minutes before a very important call back for a part i was auditioning for and I completely blew the audition. I love him but I can no longer handle these ups and downs and empty promises. and I can not live everyday of my life waiting for the call that he has succeeded and killed himself. I guess my question is how do I let him go? he has been a part of my life for so long. I know I have to do this for my own mental health. But how?
You should end this relationship as soon as possible. You have a husband who loves you and you are taking a big chance keeping a relationship with a man who has so many problems.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes
against you, till it
seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that
is just the place and time that the tide will turn. You need to
make the decision
that you must end the relationship for the sake of your sanity
and the well being of your marriage.

The TIME IS NOW for you not to be on this roller coaster ride you have been with him for all these years.

Life is short...so do what is right for the sake of your family
and for yourself. You will feel better in time that you made the
right decision to end something that is only going to turn into a disaster.

HAVE FAITH AND COURAGE that you will be a better person and live a better life once you end have ended a toxic relationship.

I WISH YOU THE BEST

Bella Angel
 
November 21, 2008, 11:51 am CST

OOOOPS...I MADE A TYP0

Quote From: kgirl1955

In my younger days pre-teens to early 20's i had a very good friend. We sharde a religeon that basically forbade friendships with anyone outside the religeon. She got married when she was very young and i was her maid of honor at her wedding. The marriage lasted about 3 yrs. until she ended up having an affair with another man. I didn't chastise her, reproach her and tried to be sympathetic. I was married now and after several 'flings' she ended up pregnant by a man who did not want to marry her. We both migrated away from the religeon we were involved in when we were young. She was kicked out and i just quit going and began to investigate other areas of spirituality. The father of her child married her and she came to my house to tell me that she couldn't be my friend anymore as she was returning to our old religeon and that i would be 'unsuitable for her to associate with me'. Of course, in view of the fact that i had stood by her when she was kicked out of the religeon and had continued to be her friend when she had cheated on her first husband ( a very nice guy that truly loved her IMO)I felt really betrayed but , sent her on her pious way to go and embrace a religeon she didn't value enough to work out her problems with the first husband for. Later on i heard that her re-affiliation only lasted about 5 yrs.i always thought how sad it was that we had been so close during our youth. Well, a few yrs. ago she had divorced husband #3 and we ended up having some contact which seem to rekindle our old friendship. She came and stayed at my house , we called and emailed each other etc. until man # 4 has appeared on the scene. Nowi have had one phone call and one email from her over the last 6 months. I have noticed women doing this over and over again. When they R married...NOTHING but the MAN is important. Then when it breaks up ...which it inevitably will...U can't just have that one all-consuming relationship w/o it burning out fairly quickly. I had divorced my husband of 20 yrs. when we 'reconnected' but, maintained my friendships even when i was dating different guys. My question is Should i call it to her attention that she's basically 'dumped' me twice in our lives for other things(religeon -a new man) or remain silent and wait until this relationship ends with man#4?Then, when she wants a shoulder to cry on and fill her empty time, tell her 'tough stuff'!  And, WHY could someone pleeeze tell me WHY do women play this childish 'in' if UR man-obsessed and smirkily left out of things when UR single? It seems like women especially can be SO disloyal when they R in their new man-obssessed phase! I can see it maybe when it's UR first love, but we R in our mid-50's and it's STILL going on! Am i the only one facing this?
In the title the word should be DON'T not DO.

WOMAN DON'T LIKE TO BE ALONE.

Sorry

Bella Angel :o)
 
November 21, 2008, 1:41 pm CST

Hi Bella!

Quote From: angel111999

Don't forget the quality of your life will be determined by the quality of the people in your life.

Don't accept unacceptable behavior.

Never compromise your integrity.

It is so important for us to recognize that we should not be with a person who we think might change to our liking. What you see is what you get.

When it is time to break off a relationship with someone, don't think that waiting will make it easier. Don't let anyone bring you down.

I hope the best for you.

Bella Angel
Yes, i couldn't agree more ! The people we associate with do have a major impact on our lives. Quality, not quantity, right?

I had to really learn how not to accept behavior that was not acceptable. Its kind of strange...something as simple as this??? yet it seems to boggle even the most intellectuals. We accept behaviors only because they have already made their way into our worlds and it becomes more difficult to cut them out once they become a part of our lives. This takes confidence and good strength of character to walk away from someone that is not good for us...but one good thing I have since discovered...the more its done.....the easier it gets.

We should never think we can change someone. Imagine how difficult it would be if someone tried to change us?????? Another simple obvious thing but our egos don't want to see what is right in front of us so we make excuses....until the excuses become saga stories.....never changing.....always staying the same.

When its time to break off a relationship, waiting does not work...but the time has to be right. Sometimes it takes a crises, or hitting rock bottom, or something else. Just walking away from someone because they are not good for us just doesn't seem like enough proof to leave....why? Don't know. I think we just want to believe that people have our best interest at heart, only to find out that they don't. It can take years, months, weeks, days. Its the wise person that can spot it quickly and take action to take care of our needs. This also takes practice.

I didn't read your last post about women not liking to be alone. I have been separated for a year now...I am happier now then I was married, but I am not alone even though I am not dating someone steadily....we see each other when we can and its good for me, for now.

If I can add one thing to anyone that is in a relationship that does not feel good.....see why you feel the need to subject yourself to this and more then likely you will find its because there is no one else better hanging around.  Relationships are probably one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences, whether they are good or bad, if we can only see the lesson that is in it......especially for us!!!
 
November 23, 2008, 12:40 am CST

COMMUNICATION AND RESPECT MAKE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

Quote From: kimikomine

Yes, i couldn't agree more ! The people we associate with do have a major impact on our lives. Quality, not quantity, right?

I had to really learn how not to accept behavior that was not acceptable. Its kind of strange...something as simple as this??? yet it seems to boggle even the most intellectuals. We accept behaviors only because they have already made their way into our worlds and it becomes more difficult to cut them out once they become a part of our lives. This takes confidence and good strength of character to walk away from someone that is not good for us...but one good thing I have since discovered...the more its done.....the easier it gets.

We should never think we can change someone. Imagine how difficult it would be if someone tried to change us?????? Another simple obvious thing but our egos don't want to see what is right in front of us so we make excuses....until the excuses become saga stories.....never changing.....always staying the same.

When its time to break off a relationship, waiting does not work...but the time has to be right. Sometimes it takes a crises, or hitting rock bottom, or something else. Just walking away from someone because they are not good for us just doesn't seem like enough proof to leave....why? Don't know. I think we just want to believe that people have our best interest at heart, only to find out that they don't. It can take years, months, weeks, days. Its the wise person that can spot it quickly and take action to take care of our needs. This also takes practice.

I didn't read your last post about women not liking to be alone. I have been separated for a year now...I am happier now then I was married, but I am not alone even though I am not dating someone steadily....we see each other when we can and its good for me, for now.

If I can add one thing to anyone that is in a relationship that does not feel good.....see why you feel the need to subject yourself to this and more then likely you will find its because there is no one else better hanging around.  Relationships are probably one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences, whether they are good or bad, if we can only see the lesson that is in it......especially for us!!!
Communication is very important in a relationship. If you talk in ANGER nothing ill get resolved. A problem does not get soolved when screaming at each other. This makes for a TOXIC relationship and you start resenting each other to the point you avoid listening to each other.

RESPECT for each other's opinion is also necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. Without it you will bring each other down which causes more problems.

Life is too short to stay with the person because you don't think you are STRONG and SECURE enough to let go of a NEGATIVE person.

YOU CAN DO IT....YES YOU CAN. I did and I found someone who has all the qualities of a man I want to live my life with that has the same ideals as I do.

Take the step into the right direction. DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!!!!!!

Bella Angel :o)
 
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