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Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Number of Replies: 486
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:20:14 am
Author : dataimport
It can be hard to extricate yourself from a friendship gone bad. Share your stories and strategies for handling this sticky situation.

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October 13, 2005, 9:38 am CDT

Take a hard look at your actions.

Quote From: abraham

my close friend of a year and a half recently was told by her family that our friendship was unacceptable because I was too needy and manipulative.  Both of which are not true.  I have been very helpful to her many times with family relationship issues.  But now because of this "announcement" by her family, she has to talk to me and see me on the sly.  This hurts me and her.  But more and more she accepts this and is rude to me when I question her about the situation.  She also has become very close with another old friend, but insists that she and i are still best friends. This has really upset me, but she is very busy and doesn't seem to want to change the situation anytime soon.  How could we have been so close and all of a sudden, I am "thrown over" for somebody else?  Should I give up on this?
 It would seem that your close friend thinks there is some truth in what her family has said about you. Now, the labels that others put on us are just that...labels. They are based on the perceptions of others and have nothing to do with the real you, BUT, perceptions are based on what you are presenting to the world.

For example, when I was a child, I was labelled as "shy"; as a teenager the labels also included "stuck up", and "stupid". None of which were true. The truth was, I had hearing problems due to many ear infections. When I was young, hearing screenings were not given in school like they are now. I didn't hear everything that was said, so retreated into my own little world. The labels were not true, they were not fair, but that was the persona that I presented to the world.

So, take a good look at your persona. Is there anything about yourself that would lead others to think of you as "needy" or "manipulative"? Is there something you could change about yourself, to help others to see the real you?
 
October 17, 2005, 11:57 am CDT

BACK FOR MORE ADVICE

Quote From: ritehere

 All you can really do at this point is to give her her space. You may have hit the nail on the head when you said she may not trust that you don't have an ulterior motive because she's had bad relationships in the past. Let it rest for now, that may be exactly what she needs, and if  you give her that she will value you for it.

HI 

     IT'S BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE I WAS LAST HERE, AND I HAVE NOT HAD ANY CONTACT WITH MY FRIEND. I THINK SHE HAS GIVEN UP ON THE FRIENDSHIP,BUT I NOT 100% SURE. 

I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE 2 BATTLES BEING WAGED INSIDE ME. THE FIRST IS THE PART  OF ME THAT NEVER GIVES UP, THAT NEVER SAY DIE ATTITUDE, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN TURNING MY BACK ON A FRIEND. THE SECOND IS THE PART THAT TELLS ME I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE 

TREATED THIS WAY, WITH NO RESPECT FOR HOW I FEEL WHATSOEVER., AND I FEEL LIKE BOTH SIDES ARE NEITHER  WINNING NOR LOSING. DO I NEED TO GIVE IT MORE TIME OR DO I NEED TO FACE THE MUSIC, AND PROTECT MYSELF FROM ANY FUTURE HEARTACHE. 

 
October 19, 2005, 3:53 pm CDT

i had a toxic friend

Quote From: farmerchik

Hi, 

  Thank you for replying to my message.  Actually, you said to me exactly what I've been thinking but I felt that maybe I was wrong.  I need to learn to follow my gut instinct instead of my heart sometimes. 

  

   We had another discussion last night but again, I don't think it went anywhere.  I guess I'm going to have to take control of the situation and do like you said, move on with or without him. 

  

   All I want in life is to be happy and so far, that's the only thing I haven't been. 

  

Sincerely, 

  

Farmerchik 

I finally text messaged her cell phone that i didnt want to be friends anymore. Thats it and then she text messaged back and wanted to know what she did wrong and i just told her i was tired of her thinking she could manage my life better. That was all i had to do and im not guilty like i thought id be. I was so scared to do it because i thought i was being mean or maybe she was right or whatever. But i finally realized she was a crappy person and very jealous. She didnt want to hear any good news i had but she always had something negative to say about my life. Well i have a great life and its so much better without dreading her phone calls!!! Whatever you do dont put up with someone who always wants you to make them feel good but they are to selfish to try to brighten your day! I dont have any friends because we live far from family and havent lived here long but hopefully i will get some. But getting rid of this toxic person was so good for me.
 
October 26, 2005, 5:02 pm CDT

do I haeva toxic friend??

Im not sure if Im doing this right, cuz these bords are kinda confusing.  

  

but I have a friend, whose constantly bashing my religion, every time we talk, he will start off with all this "anti" stuff.  

  

everytime I try and get him to stop, he'll say stuff like "well, Im sorry you are having mood swings, but Im not going to stop being how I am." 

  

I try to tell him that Im not trying to stop him from being himself, and Im not trying to make him like my church or anything, I just want him to stop bashing it when Im around.  

  

is he a "toxic friend" and should I just stop being his friend?? or do you think theres hope?? 

 
October 26, 2005, 8:57 pm CDT

ending toxic friendships

do to something that happened with my 5 yr old son I had my eyes opened quickly and I must say i hurt for about 2 wks at the lose of these 2 friends but after a few wks I found I was more hurt at myself for not listening to my gut . Friends except you good bad and ugly, they trust in u and visa versa. I have found since ending these 2 friendships I am more calm and not stressed. I have also opened my eyes to other people and I have a few dear friends that we laugh giggle and just have a great time together we do not judge each other we just are ourselves. So sometimes its best to flush people cause if u ask urself or others are they my friends. The answer is no they are not.
 
October 27, 2005, 3:17 am CDT

Respect!

Quote From: lizlostfan

Im not sure if Im doing this right, cuz these bords are kinda confusing.  

  

but I have a friend, whose constantly bashing my religion, every time we talk, he will start off with all this "anti" stuff.  

  

everytime I try and get him to stop, he'll say stuff like "well, Im sorry you are having mood swings, but Im not going to stop being how I am." 

  

I try to tell him that Im not trying to stop him from being himself, and Im not trying to make him like my church or anything, I just want him to stop bashing it when Im around.  

  

is he a "toxic friend" and should I just stop being his friend?? or do you think theres hope?? 

Hello, 

Ive also been in a similar situation like you, and do understand your worry of being mean when you want to tell your friend to stop disrespecting you, that you absolutly are not mean. Every human being is worthy, and have all right to be loved and respected. 

  

I had a friend  Mrs x that I told to stop picking on me (this friend was laughing at me and basically critizing almost everything about me), and also another friend Mrs y who also had the tendency to critizise (but to a lesser degree). I told both of this friends that I wont tolerate them critizing me and disrespecting me. This was the point when I saw if this people really cared about me. Mrs x got really angry that I accused her of disrespecting me, so this so called friendship ended naturally. Mrs y actually said that she was sorry that I've experienced it this way and apologized, so this Mrs y and I are still friends inspite that we don't live in the same city anymore, because she really cared about my feelings/me. 

  

I did for along time not respect myself and let peolpe treat me badly/walk all over me. The good thing is that I have "woken up" now and will not let people use or treat me the way I let them before. 

I hope this will give you some ideas and new insights in how to relate with other people. 

Love/ Feliss 

 
October 27, 2005, 4:50 pm CDT

toxic, disrespectful "friend"

Quote From: lizlostfan

Im not sure if Im doing this right, cuz these bords are kinda confusing.  

  

but I have a friend, whose constantly bashing my religion, every time we talk, he will start off with all this "anti" stuff.  

  

everytime I try and get him to stop, he'll say stuff like "well, Im sorry you are having mood swings, but Im not going to stop being how I am." 

  

I try to tell him that Im not trying to stop him from being himself, and Im not trying to make him like my church or anything, I just want him to stop bashing it when Im around.  

  

is he a "toxic friend" and should I just stop being his friend?? or do you think theres hope?? 

Your "friend" doesn't have any consideration for your feelings or your beliefs.  

When two people have a friendship and they are mature, they agree to disagree about things they don't have in common, and they talk about other things. It sounds like your friend enjoys treating you like crap- in fact it sounds like this person is a very angry person, and not a friend at all. THis isn't about mood swings, or about trying to make someone believe the same things that you do; this is about common courtesy and common respect. My advice to you is to analyze what exactly you are getting out of this friendship, besides a whole lot of greif and aggrivation from this person? Does this person enhance your life, or take away from it? I wish you luck. 

 
November 1, 2005, 5:00 pm CST

do I have a toxic friend

thanks guys, it helps a lot.
 
November 4, 2005, 1:18 am CST

Bitter after health problems...

Hi all, 

This is my first post on the boards...hope I'm doing it right! Well, I just needed to get some advice. I have had an extremely challenging year. Since Christmas 2004, my right lung has collapsed 6 times. I'm 24 and otherwise healthy, and we never found a cause. I've spent 33 days in the hospital between February and July and have had 3 lung surgeries. The last one was an open lung surgery where they removed the entire outer lining of my lung. Now, this is pretty major surgery if I do say so myself! I've held up through it all, but I have learned quite a bit about life this year, and have learned a lot about friendships. I'm not looking for pity or anything, but needed to give the backgroud so you'd understand. 

I have one friend that is pretty selfish, and I'm more laid back and giving, but we'd been best of friends for the past 6 years or so. Right around Christmas she started dating a guy and our friendship started to fall apart a bit then. Well, she came over after my first surgery and watched a movie with me. The second time she called me on 3 different days and told me she was coming up to visit me in the hospital. It was over and around Easter, and she never came. I cried, because I was very disappointed and I think I realized then that I wasn't getting anything out of friendship at the time I needed it the most. After the third surgery she did come up one day (after no-showing a few days), but it was a little awkward since I was in pain and was a little bitter towards her at that point. Since then we've played phone tag but haven't really talked. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I haven't called her back. I have a  problem with letting frienships go. How do I end it? She is definitely the dominant personality in the friendship. I went through a slight depression afer each surgery and needed her, and she let me down.  

The second friend (sorry I know this is long) was a college friend. I was in her wedding in June and hadn't heard from her until I called the night before my open lung surgery in July. She called back three weeks later. We've played phone tag now for a few weeks, and I've intentionally been using my odd work hours as an excuse.  

I have been hurt by both these people-my physical scars have been healing, but the emotional ones seem to be a bit harder to heal. Are both of these friendships toxic? I don't want to feel selfish, but I just feel let down by these people in my greatest time of need. I am lucky to have a very supportive family and many other fantastic friends, some that one come up every single day I was in the hospital, so I focus on that and how lucky I am. I just want to get rid of the bitterness I hold towards my other two 'friends'. Do I just not call them back? Help with some words of wisdom! Thanks so much! 

 
November 11, 2005, 2:25 pm CST

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: happygrlaz

Hi all, 

This is my first post on the boards...hope I'm doing it right! Well, I just needed to get some advice. I have had an extremely challenging year. Since Christmas 2004, my right lung has collapsed 6 times. I'm 24 and otherwise healthy, and we never found a cause. I've spent 33 days in the hospital between February and July and have had 3 lung surgeries. The last one was an open lung surgery where they removed the entire outer lining of my lung. Now, this is pretty major surgery if I do say so myself! I've held up through it all, but I have learned quite a bit about life this year, and have learned a lot about friendships. I'm not looking for pity or anything, but needed to give the backgroud so you'd understand. 

I have one friend that is pretty selfish, and I'm more laid back and giving, but we'd been best of friends for the past 6 years or so. Right around Christmas she started dating a guy and our friendship started to fall apart a bit then. Well, she came over after my first surgery and watched a movie with me. The second time she called me on 3 different days and told me she was coming up to visit me in the hospital. It was over and around Easter, and she never came. I cried, because I was very disappointed and I think I realized then that I wasn't getting anything out of friendship at the time I needed it the most. After the third surgery she did come up one day (after no-showing a few days), but it was a little awkward since I was in pain and was a little bitter towards her at that point. Since then we've played phone tag but haven't really talked. She called me a couple of weeks ago and I haven't called her back. I have a  problem with letting frienships go. How do I end it? She is definitely the dominant personality in the friendship. I went through a slight depression afer each surgery and needed her, and she let me down.  

The second friend (sorry I know this is long) was a college friend. I was in her wedding in June and hadn't heard from her until I called the night before my open lung surgery in July. She called back three weeks later. We've played phone tag now for a few weeks, and I've intentionally been using my odd work hours as an excuse.  

I have been hurt by both these people-my physical scars have been healing, but the emotional ones seem to be a bit harder to heal. Are both of these friendships toxic? I don't want to feel selfish, but I just feel let down by these people in my greatest time of need. I am lucky to have a very supportive family and many other fantastic friends, some that one come up every single day I was in the hospital, so I focus on that and how lucky I am. I just want to get rid of the bitterness I hold towards my other two 'friends'. Do I just not call them back? Help with some words of wisdom! Thanks so much! 

Hello, 

  

I have one friend that is pretty selfish, and I'm more laid back and giving: 

It sounds like you have been replaced by the boyfriend.  You should send him a thank you note because she is sucking the life out of him now.  I would agree that this probably is not a healthy friendship.  I'm going to write about my friendship issue in a minute and I would like you to give me your thoughts about it. 

  

On the other hand, "The second friend... was a college friend. I was in her wedding in June and hadn't heard from her until I called the night before my open lung surgery in July".  This person seems to be less selfish and did call about you and sounds like made other attempts to contact you.  Sometimes I don't call people, when they are ill because I don't want to disturb their rest and recovery.  Also, I don't feel like talking, when I am sick, and I don't want you seeing me looking like total pooh.  Leave me alone and let me enjoy the only drugs(an good ones at that) I'll ever take and let me sleep it off.  I am not a good hospital visitor either, I always show up when the person is sleeping or is in pain and I want to crack jokes because I'm uncomfortable.  It's just real odd for me.  I will check up on them via family members but usually not in person.   

  

Also, I have a real good friend from elementary school and we don't talk all the time.  Sometimes we go for a few years but we pick right up where we left off.  She is truly a good friend and I know if I needed her, she would be there.  However, I don't call her, when I'm ill because I don't want to worry her.  At the same time, she recently had some terrible things happen to her children and she didn't call me and burden me with it.  We talked a couple of times and had some good conversations and she got some junk off her chest and she received some comfort and healing.  I've never judged her and she knew she could tell me but I guess shame was holding her back.  I don't feel used and she was grateful.  We don't talk a lot or share everything but she will always be there and understand.  She is one of my very best friends and we have a connection.  I guess that goes to show that they don't have to be around all the time, to be a top notch friend. 

  

Good Luck, TexMess 

 
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