I had two dear friends from college. One was intelligent, care-free and still enjoys all of the amenities of living at home with her mom on the West Coast. The other lives in the South and would be considered very academically accomplished, independent and is always looking to improve herself intellectually but sometimes very Southern. Finally, I reside in the
Midwest have been described as independent and driven.
For the longest, we were considered The 3 Musketeers. We took trips together; talk on the phone every Sunday afternoon and celebrated all major holidays via phone, greeting cards and/or presents. Eventually, the Southern friend starting dating a guy, who she later moved in with and as you may have guessed, we no longer talk to her as often but as we grew closer to each other. We were somewhat offended when she would blow us off, somewhere in the back of our minds we knew relationships change and all 3 of us still remain friends.
The more and more I spent time taking trips with my friend from the West Coast; I began to realize that she was not as care-free as people would be led to believe. In fact, she found her to be extremely anal. Her rules and comments began to be more and more annoying and misdirected toward me. Where I once accepted her impatient, bossy and controlling behavior, I viewed it as something I could no longer tolerate. She would even berate me when I didn’t return her calls within a certain time. When I would explain that I was busy or tired and was going to call, she would cut me off mid-sentence to either get off the phone or change the subject. Every time I came from a trip with her, I felt depleted by efforts to thwart her unnecessary acts boss me around and felt completely exhausted by her need to control my every move, as well as embarrass me with her comments in front of our other friends.
Finally, during our conversations she would often make under-handed remarks about people who sought education or who were involved in various extracurricular activities or committees chalking it off as them trying to prove something. As a little bit background, you should know that she never finished her bachelor’s and in her thirties, she continues to live at home with her mom and within the past few years helps care for an elderly aunt. Though, I wonder, why she has never finished her education and why she has never left home, I would never make mention of it or make disparaging remarks to her nor would I describe a person similar to that in conversation. I believe friends should encourage on another and build each other’s esteem. I was so happy to finish undergrad that I sent all my friends (including her) a picture of me in cap and gown. She, being my closest friend, never congratulated me. I later completed an MBA while working one full–time job and internship over 3 years. Though, I would never throw my educational accomplishments in someone’s face, I am very proud of myself and I believe this accomplishment doesn’t make me better than anyone but better than the person I was.
A couple of years ago, I went through a deep depression which was brought on by being relocated to a small town for work (where I knew no one), estrangement from my super overbearing mother and finally, job loss. I was so overwhelmed with the events taking place in my life at the time (which include taking care of my mother financially), I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. Coupled with the controlling behavior of my friend, I retreating and ceased communicating with all of my closest friends. Including the 2 musketeers.
After about a year, I received a call from her (overbearing) on my birthday, I was so happy to her from and later both of them that I cried and apologized for not communicating with them. My excuse was that was going through some tough times and isolation was the way I chose to deal with my struggles. We were all happy to be in touch with one another again and each one of us was single again. However, what had changed was that I was almost 7 months pregnant and told the one of them in the midst of a deep conversation. She was extremely happy and encouraged me to tell our overbearing friend. I cannot explain it to this day but I hid it from the overbearing one for almost a month. Unfortunately, the day after I left it on her answering machine, I found out my baby, Gabriel, had died. A day later I went through 13 hours of labor to deliver him still born.
After coming from the hospital, I called both the cell phone and home phone of the overbearing friend to talk with her. She never returned my call. I have never tried to call her again. I realize that she has every right not to return call. However, after the friendship we shared, I would think that the least I would have gotten was a call or card of condolence for my loss. After all, I sent her flowers in the hospital when she had major surgery a few years ago. I truly believe that she is angry for not being at her beck and call and that she is vindictive. Often, I think it was for the best that we stopped talking. It could have turned into something really ugly and unable to fix. Other times, I miss talk to her. I mostly miss the Southern one though.
We have all been there for each other when I come to talking about lovers, jobs and family, etc. I think the friendship between the overbearing friend is over but now I feel like my estrangement has compromised one friendship that I want to maintain ----with the Southern one. Although we talk maybe once, sometimes twice a month, I feel like the Southern one is excluding me to keep from getting involved.
What really hurts is the Southern friend has taken and planed trip with the Overbearing one and hasn’t even bother to invite me. I know that she doesn’t want to get in the middle. I certainly don’t expect her to choose however, I feel like our mutual friend IS choosing sides by spending vacations with her and not including me. She never replied to an email I sent her inquiring about trip she mentioned over the phone.
I’m not sure if I should ask her what’s going on with our friendship or leaving it as it is. Maybe this is how it should be. I feel like I have lost two friends instead of one. What are your thoughts? What happen with two of three friends stop being friends? What should I expect of the remaining relationship? Am I wrong? I would appreciate any advice offered. Thanks.
