Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

So I've been having this CONSTANT problem with someone who just will NOT take the hint that I dont want this person in my life. I've tried to be friends and that didnt work. I've tried numerous times to take the high road and be civil, doesnt work. This person ALWAYS has comments about how i live my life, and what I do with my vehicle. Last time i checked, its MY decisions, and I didnt ask for theirs. Now, i have not spoken to them for long amounts of time, and told this person I DO NOT WANT THEM IN MY LIFE. but... they keep coming back with little comments belittling me. But then i get these sappy emails from him as if its supposed to mean something. I've said some very harsh things trying to get the point across about how i feel, and about how i do not care nor wish to hear what thwy have to say about me, NOR my vehicle, but it doesnt work.

What do i do? I'm so aggrivated everytime this person talks to me, and I try to not have contact and it doesnt work. Theres always something. and always one of those little comments. Never fails. I was worried about this person and tried to be there for him, and help him thru rough times, but I hate the person he is. Now, My boyfriend has had it with this, and He's seen the things i say to him, and doesnt understand why hes still around. He's like a bad case of herpes... no matter what ya do, you just cant get rid of it.

SOOOO.... WHAT DO I DO? and how can i make it clear that I absolutely cannot stand this person, and DONT want them in my life, and make them actually go away for good? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me....

I had a friend that I had known for 20 years, in those 20 years, we were the sister each other never had.  We became friends in college and after we graduated we became roommates.  Her job made it difficult for her to go home for holidays so she spent many with my family, after 5 years she moved out of state.  I visited and we still remained friends.  We created a Christmas tradition where we would talk on Christmas over the phone with a glass of wine and open our gifts.  We would talk about our crazy Italian mothers and share all of our secrets.   She eventually moved back to California, 3 hours away, so we would try and visit each other, 2 times a year, one time I would go her way and the other she would come mine.  I was married and she was single, but that didn't matter.  She finally met her prince charming and married, during that time I was having marital problems and ended up having an affair on my husband.  We divorced and I married the other man.  In the course of this she always listened and we still communicated.  She found out she was pregnant and had a hard time telling me because I could not get pregnant.  I was very excited I couldn't wait to meet her little boy.  Last February she had planned to come visit with her son, and a few weeks prior she emailed me and said she couldn't with an excuse that made no sense, however, because of our closeness I could sense in her voice that she had other issues than the reason she gave.  I explained I was disappointed, and she replied harshly and said that we had grown apart and that she wished me a happy life and that was it.  I tried to ask what was wrong, what I did and no response.  I don't understand because the only thing different is that I don't have a biological child.  I have a good job, nice home, family, husband and 2 step boys and am very happy.  SInce then I have sent birthday cards, christmas cards with a note asking for some sort of closure or reason why - WE were friends for 20 years, and I know there are people she was not as close to that she still sends a card and checks in with every so often, why did she cut off communications completely and how can I deal with this.  My family constantly asks about her, I don't know what to say - I feel extremely hurt and can't understand - why so cold.  What do I do?  Just forget or try and contact her.  I sent a note in my christmas card, with no response, I am afraid to call because I am afraid she will just hang up or not reply.  Help, this is really weighing on my mind 

  

  

  

It sounds to me like she has closed the door on this friendship.  I am sure you have already combed very carefully over any conversations you had with her leading up to the time she cut you off completely, looking for anything you may have said or done to offend her.  And it sounds like you didn't come up with anything. It is possible that she may feel that you two no longer have anything in common.  If that is the case, it was cruel of her to end the friendship without giving you a reason.  Even if you did do or say something that offended her, the right thing to do would be to tell you what it was.  That way you could have explained your side.  It is also possible that she misinterpreted something you did or said. If she would have given you a chance to speak to her about it you could have had the chance to straighten things out.   Regardless of the reason for ending your friendship, especially a LONG term friendship she should have talked to you about it. 

One thing that I may be reading into your posting is where you said you explained to her that you were disappointed when she couldn't visit.   Please think back to that conversation.  Did you say it in a matter of fact way, or did you do it in a whiney, needy, trying-to-induce-guilt way.  This is VERY important to be truthful to yourself about.  Have you been acting too needy in that friendship?  If so, that can really sap the energy of the other person, and maybe that was the last straw for her. 

All that having been said, you have made numerous attempts for nearly a year to reach out to her, even to the point of directly asking for closure, which she didn't give to you.  It seems she has closed the door in your face, and it may be time, as hurtful as it may be, to stop chasing after her.  (This too could come across as neediness when done in excess.) I would stop contacting her at this point. Perhaps, in time, she may come to realize that she misses the friendship, but I doubt this will happen as long as you keep writing to her. Or it may not happen at all. If that's the case, then you have to resign yourself to the fact that the friendship is in the past.  

By the way, can any of your friends that also know her shed light on the situation???  

I know this hurts you very deep, but the harsh reality is that your friendship is over.  You don' t say how long ago she told you that she wished you a happy life- how long has it been since you talked to her?  

My advice is this: stop sending the cards, stop sending the notes, when your family asks about her, all you need to do is say you have lost contact with her and then change the subject. Keep saying you've lost contact with her, because there simply is no other way to explain what happened.  

By not allowing you to have any closure on this friendship you have shared for so long, your "friend" is holding powerful emotional control over you... give yourself the permission that you deserve to let this go. You have no control at all over this friendship any longer. With time, the pain of losing this friendship will ease, although you most likely will always remember the good times. The way she broke off your friendship was cowardly and cruel, and I think that even though you didn't know it, you really did grow apart, because how else could you have had a friendship with someone who would be so cruel to you? You can move forward without closure, it just takes more effort. Please know that you did not deserve to be treated this way!! You deserve happy and healthy friendships, something you no longer share with her. Time to move on. I wish you well! 

I agree you ahould not respond to any of it, you although thinking you are saying go away basically to this person you are not because you are still responding I if i didn't wish to have anything to do with that person wouldn't respond although sometimes that is hard specially when you wish to get your story they have of you straight this all would depend on your situation. maybe you should look at why you are still replying to these remarks in order to not do it anymore.

I was wondering if you think that this person has such good values then why is it that they are doing something wrong? have you asked what it is that has upset them to be having these problems? if you no longer wish to be friends then you shouldn't be quiet about it just let them know and tell them why if they don't like what they hear you don't have to speak with them again anyways you are the one playing the games if you don't wish to be friends but still keep it going because your scared of there reaction. I don't know about them but I would rather know why then have someone pretend to be a friend not to upset me.

 I've been reading posts on this message board for months now and this is the first time I have ever written in.  My 10 year friendship with my "best" friend ended back in Sept 05, and I'm having a difficult time letting go of the hurt.  I think I could've gotten over this better, but the last year and a half of my life has been an emotional roller coaster and it just seems that it was just one horrible thing after another that I've had to deal with, and with this friendship ending just seemed like the last straw for me.

Some background on what I've been dealing with:
 Back in July 04, my MIL , a very manipulative pathological liar and pill popper, did everything she could to get my husband to divorce me and turn the rest of the family and all of our friends against me.  My husband and I were happily married for 10 years at the time and this devastated him and he had a complete mental breakdown.  None of her actions were a surprise to me, from day one , she made it clear to everyone but my husband that she couldn't stand me.  She always told me the last time she had said anything negative about someone her son had dated, it had back fired on her.The week she found out that her son was dating someone, she checked herself into the mental hospital, this was before she had ever even met me.  Perhaps I should give you some background on her:  her parents died in a car accident when she was 6 , she and her brother were adopted.  She claims to have been molested by her adoptive father.  this made me feel sorry for her, so for years I did my best to be friends with her, even though she would be nice to me in front of the rest of the family, but the moment we were alone she would say nasty things to me.  I would try talking to her, but after 10 years of this, I just started to walk away when she got started and I would avoid being alone with her.  Throughout this entire time, her husband would confide in me how unhappy he was in the marriage and the terrible things she had done to him.  I was a shoulder to cry on, I never told him what to do or what I thought, I just listened.  He couldn't talk to his own grown children because he didn't want to devastate them by telling them just how mentally sick their mother really was, no one talked about, the subject was taboo. 
After she tried to destroy my marriage and my friendships with others, my FIL started telling my husband some family secrets. My husband found out that his mother was previously married and never bothered to tell his father and had never bothered to get a divorce. She trapped him in to marriage by getting pregnant and then demanded that he marry her.  FIL tried to leave her later down the line, she got pregnant again. She "attempted" suicide when my husband  was about to leave  the nest to attend college, and made sure that the Kids would find her in time. She was in the garage with the car running, but made sure to keep the windows rolled up.   FIL took her to a psychiatrist.  Only once it was a family session and SIL cried in front of the doctor.  MIL grabbed her by the arm and told her "don't ever cry in front of the doctor again."  The kids were never allowed to talk about it ever again.  My SIL was only 12 at the time, my husband 18.   MIL has been seeing the doctor for 16 years or so.  My FIL goes in to talk to the doctor once every few months, finds out she is extremely vague about the abuse, and found out that she is claiming it also happened when she was 2 years old in her biological family.  My father is a doctor and his friends are psychiatrists and my sister is a psych. too.  Everyone one  of them find this to be a bit fishy.   After she got the the point where she could no longer have children, and her marriage was shakey,  she began to say she was now diagnosed with MPD. multiple personality disorder.  only her husband has witnessed the MPD. I find this a bit fishy.  She uses it as an excuse and claims she doen't remember  making any nasty remarks to me or trying to destroy my marriage.  I find this fishy, because she claims not to even recognize her own children so how the hell would she even know who I was.  When she was confronted by this, she just clams up.
My husband and I don't have any children yet, and MIL wants grandkids. We have an adorable little dog that MIL tried to harm on a few different occasions. Apparently she feels that if we didn't have the dog, she would have had a grandkid by now.  This was the very last straw for me, I'm a big girl and can take care of my self, but to go after a little dog was just too much for me.  I cut off all contact with MIL.

My husband's "Leave it to Beaver" life that he thought he had came tumbling down around him and suffered a nervous breakdown.  I turned to my "best" friend for emotional support. After a few months of me talking to her about how depressed and out of it my husband was and I didn't know what to do, this was not all we talked about, I always asked her how things were going with her and we talked about happy things as well,  she told me she was sick of hearing about it.  This friend"A" as I will call her, lied to me for years about what my  MIL was saying to her about me. A knows MIL well , A was orginally my husband's friend in highschool.  A also made matters worse when she got pregnant and told MIL " at least one of your kids is giving you a grandchild" This was when the sh!t really hit the fan and MIL tried to get husband to divorce me.  I let it go and forgave A.
 
When A started noticing that hubby 's salary increased,  we bought some pricey things and took an extravegant vacation to celebrate our 10 th anniversary , things got very strange with her.  She made comments about all the unnecessary things that we had, became beligerent towards us when we asked them out dinner and wanted to pay, so we stopped doing that and then became beligerent about birthday and X-mas gifts that we gave them.  Now nothing we got was that pricey, for x-mas , we got them a tivo.  A and her husband were like family to us. When our 13 year old car kept breaking down and I mentioned that were finally going to have to break down and buy a new one, she quipped "we just got a new car , we just got a LEXUS"  A and husband were expecting a baby at this point and asked us to be God parents. We were thrilled. I was asked by her to do the baby shower, was TOLD to buy her a highchair on A's orders.  Baby shower weekend comes up  and she gives me my birthday present early.  She goes on and on about how she bought me gold earings, that she had to get me gold earrings.  Now this entire weekend I heard her tell her husband he wasn't allowed to buy even a stick of gum for himself,  they were down to one income since she became pregnant.  I thought I should say something, and told her I hope she didn't feel obligated to buy me them and our friendship wasn't about that, when she screamed at me that I make her feel poor and why couldn't I just had said Thankyou.   Then she tell me exactly how much her husband makes and screams that she doesn't care how much my husband  F'ing makes.  I try to calm her down and tell that's not what our friendship is about .  I thought everything was alright, and then she cut drastically down on calling me.  We live over 3 hours away and tried to make arrangements to go and visit them but she had one excuse after another and then got made at us for not coming.  At this point, I wrote her a letter  about my concerns, how hurt I was by other things she had said and how I thought she seemed uncomfortable with us when my husband began to make more money.   Over a month later, she replied with a scathing letter , telling me that I was making things up, that I was a liar and told me to "buy a HUMMER" for all she cared and said that I apparently wanted special treatment because of the money I spent on gifts for them.  I couldn't believe it.  I wrote her back saying that her comments made it clear that she did indeed have an issue with this and I hoped as "true" friends that we could talk abou it.  Whenver A had any problems or was depressed, I was always there for her, I would have given the shirt off my back  for her but I never heard from her again.

You are not alone in this type of harrasement ive had these problems mahself with a person, i have asked them to stay out mah life and ive asked them to stop giving me their opinions on whats my business and to stop talking to me. 

  

i have been stupid though they say something and i feel the need to defend myself because what they have said is not true im only starting to learn that NO MATTER what you say they wont believe ya or dont WANT to believe you. I would suggest that if its a hotmail email account that you use, that you block them for good and not unblock them at anytime. its everytime to do with control and power and if ya let them get to you or even explain anything to them they gain the "power" and these type of people love this. they are best ignored. unfortunately i cant completely ignore the person in my situation for reasons. 

  

i would say dont let them get to you but thats easier said than done the LESS you acknowledge them the more they are persistant YOU reacting to what they do or email them allowing them to upset you is their HEROIN of course once ya stop all communication expect some abuse and some really nasty things (thats why its better to block) because they are going through a withdrawal they are "power" junkies and you dont need this in your life because ya already said these things are YOUR decisions and YOUR life they have no right saying anything about it to you unless you ask for their opinion.  

Bonjour Betenoire, 

  

When I was in HS and even now in college the problem is still the same between girlfriends. It doesn't exactly change, but one of the best things you can do for yourself is to keep one or two really good friends that have proven themselves worthy of your confidence. A common misconception with girls is that quantity should trump quality. It is better to have a small select group of girls that you can be yourself with. 

  

Personally, I know a lot of girls, but I only consider about 5 of them my true friends. The other bad thing is that many TV shows now  (one tree hill, and the OC to site some examples) thrive on petty cattiness. So, in order to go with the flow, it is seen as "cool" have petty grievances and drama all the time.  

  

The best advice I can give to you is to find people that share the same values and extracurricular activities as you. Also, it might help to target potential friends who have the same goals as you in life. You will be less likely to get involved with petty drama if you have a friend who has no need for it.  

  

If you would like to contact me online (my stats are Female, 22 in College) here is my contact info: 

  

AIM SN: PinkParisKitty

Non-personal (internet safety you understand) email: PinkParisKitty@hotmail.com  

  

I am also on MySpace as well if you are interested in adding me. I understand how hard it is to sift through the crud that exist in young people's lives these days. It will get better it just takes some filtering and maintenance on your part as well as on the parts of the people who you choose to associate with.  

  

Don't put yourself in a position to put up with drama, it is  your decision if you wish to stay friends with these people. However, from the way your post sounds--  you might be better off finding some girls who can support you and really befriend you-- these sound like they just want drama for drama's sake.   

  

Feel free to contact me and good luck!