Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Yes i agree. The guy is very jealous. I'm going to let her go. It's better for all of us.

 

Jo

This sounds like a very simple case of jealousy to me. J may be creative, but you are better than she is with this medium and her jealousy is showing itself in several of her actions:

 

1. The fact that she didn't share a room with you even though it would have been comparable in cost to where she did stay.

 

2. The fact that she refused your offers to work with her.

 

3. The fact that she made an issue of you wanting to go home with a lot of product.

 

Perhaps J is uncomfortable with the fact that you have more money than she does and more than that, that you've got more talent. It's unfortunate that she is letting that come between your friendship. The same thing happened to me many years ago and it's never easy to deal with. Unfortunately, it's not likely that J is going to confess her jealousy to you, but you need to have a candid talk with her and let her know that her behavior is hurtful to you.

 

Be prepared for her to get very defensive and try to turn the situation around on you. Very few people are self-aware enough to admit to their poor and hurtful behavior. Almost always they try to justify it. You can decide your next move based on J's reaction to your discussion.

 

 

I had a friendship of almost 10 years with a woman who was incredibly funny and fun to be with. We shared so many interests and our sons were only a few days apart in age. There were so many reasons to admire her but she was/is an incredibly self absorbed and high maintenance person.  

  

I spent years trying to only see the good parts of this friendship and ignoring the toxic parts but after a while, it became impossible to see the way the toxic parts were effecting me and my family. I'm a bit naive about some things so it took me a long time to understand that she was a prescription medication abuser as well as an alcoholic. I tried to help her but her downward spiral continued over several years until it became hard to hold on.  

I began seeing the differences in us and stopped being able to see any common goals or morals. She lied so easily, she was as vocally happily married as I am but I found out she had an affair which really goes against my morality but suddenly, as her friend, I was put in the position of knowing about it.  

Her husband also had affairs so their marriage broke up and she made herself the priority instead of their son. Her self medication got worse and she lost site of her role as a parent. I realized I was spending hours on the phone with her trying to get through to her, trying to find the good person I used to know but finally, she broke the camel's back and I had to tell her I could no longer be her friend. 

  

I miss the woman I used to know but every day of the past 6 months has been a relief and the past month or so, I stopped feeling guilty about having "deserted" her and began to enjoy my life without all the conflict in it.  

  

I'm a reasonably intelligent person who never would have entered into a friendship like this one but it was the slow devolution of it that held me so tight. I like who I am much better without her in my life and I can't believe how much of my day was spent holding her hand or talking through her problems.  

Years ago I also was in a friendship like this one that you describe, it was so draining!! The woman I was friends with was pretty much exactly like your friend. She didn't realize how draining she was, when I tried to tell her in a nice yet firm way, she turned it around and made herself the victim...I should have known!! She was very, very comfortable being the victim and she wasn't about to give that role up anytime soon. Our last conversation on the phone, I ended up hanging up on her. Then she wrote me a letter, going on and on about  how she can't believe "your doing this to me!!" etc. It was actually laughable. Now, I can spot a person with her personality from a mile away, which is a valuable asset to have. You also might have this asset, it will prevent you from being led into another toxic relationship like that.

You bet it taught me but when we got into this relationship, we were both so totally in mommy mode and I thought we were on the same page about most other things as well. An alcoholic or drug abuser can cover up for a long time but eventually, it becomes apparent and when it was clear to me, I was deep into the friendship. 

  

My friend also blames me for having deserted her at the worst time in her life but I'd hung in for 4 bad years and 6 good ones. I can't see anyone else having stuck out what I did and it put my own family through a wringer. I've had one of our mutual friends call me angrily to tell me that now that I've dropped "M", she's calling this friend constantly and it's straining their friendship *lol*... and she's only had to put up with it for less than a year.  

  

It baffles me that I put up with so much though since that's not my personality. I've always kept alcohol / drugs / infidelity out of my life and yet for 4 years, they were central to it because of her. When I compared my friendship with her to my relationship with my other wonderful friends, it was clear that it wasn't a friendship... it was a Vampiric dependency and I was letting myself be sucked dry.  

Please note: Read my post in The Bullying Section to get the full history of this friendship with Danielle gone awry.  

  

I have a former friend that claims that I am stalking her. The truth of the matter is that she severed our friendship two years ago and I have abided by her wishes that we maintain no contact with one another in any way, shape or form.  

 

Sadly, her mother "Jeanne" has been sounding off to anyone that will listen (school officials, mutual friends, and my co-workers) that I am a horrible, toxic, and indecent person. I don't understand where all of these claims are coming from. First the stalking thing is completely preposterous. I am mature enough to realize that if she feels that I am not a good friend to her and never have been that I should move on with my life and she should do the same. She claims that I have a sicko obsession with her and that I just can't accept that our friendship is over. Naturally, when your friend tells you she never wants to see you again and then throws around all of these names-- one is angry. I was upset and hurt by her accusations, but not rage-filled like she claims. I don't want revenge, I just would like an explanation. I resigned myself a long time ago to the fact that such an explanation will never come to pass and I should just chalk it up to a bad experience in life and something to learn from. However, I have enough sense to realize that there is something wrong with this girl (and her mother by extension) if they feel the need to call attention to themselves (and me) by spreading these lies. It is slanderous and I don't really know what to do about it. If I contact Danielle or her mother to try to work it out I would just add fuel to the fire about how I am unable to "get over" the loss of her friendship.  The truth of the matter is that I have adjusted well to the fact that she and I are not friends. What I haven't adjusted well to is the way Danielle and Jeanne are handling our lack of communication by claiming that I am trying to make contact. If they want me to leave them alone why do they insist on being so hateful to me? Despite their claims that I am toxic-- I am not the one leaving horrible nasty messages on their Xanga website or telling all of their friends that they are horrible people. Infact the only thing I say when one of our mutual friends asks what in the world is going on between us is, "unfortunately, she doesn't want anything to do with me and all I can do is accept that, respect that and move on." What I need is advice on how to deal with this bizarre situation. The lingering question is that if they don't want anything to do with me, and they don't care about me (like they say) then why are they going to great links to try to take me to court, get me in trouble with my university, follow me around, talk to our mutual friends and basically have me included in their lives with all of it? I don't understand, but I know that I have done things so they can't contact the people I work with or my university anymore. It is an active smear campaign aimed at assasinating my character to anyone who will listen. You would think I would be angry-- but no, I just want it to stop and really I am very sad for these women that feel the need to pursue me so, and they just can't get over the fact that I want to respect their wishes-- if that is what they really want. If they want to have contact with me, then why not just say so? Why go through all of this messy, and harassing tactics to keep me in their lives when all they ever say is "cease and desist" and they "don't care one iota about my life except that I get a life and move on..." It is a very weird pattern of abusive behavior and I would like some other perspectives. Thank you so much for your help.  It is much appreciated. 

  

The best way to handle this situation is to turn the other cheek- be the bigger person. This must be very hurtful for you, I know it is difficult when you can't just confront the person who is doing things to disrupt your life, but in this case the best thing to do is pretend they don't exist. They want you to react- that is the "payoff" that they are looking for...they would love for you to react so that they can go, see- look- she is a stalking psycho!! Don't play into their headgames. You are a bigger person then that. You are right when you point out that this is emotionaly abusive. It would be good if you could keep a record of anything they do to communicate with you, just in case something comes up in the future. I wish you luck with this. Be strong!

My lawyer and I have considered pressing charges-- this stalking and harassment by these women who "just want to be left alone" has been going on for the last eight months. I have not responded to their allegations that I am harassing them, but my lawyer sent them a letter letting them know that filing false charges and slander is illegal. This whole thing is extremely bizarre. 

  

  

Should I go foreward with pressing charges or should my lawyer continue trying to negotiate with Jeanne (my former friend's mother who keeps hounding me and threatening me with jail time) and recieve an explanation for all of this? So far the explanations they have offered are, "we have done nothing to you." "your daughter is sick and obsessed." and "this is a cry for help from your daughter (harassing them)" Nothing at all related to why they insist on bugging me and telling me I am going to jail or why they started this in the first place. 

  

Personally, I am tired of it and want it to stop. I am willing to go to court and defend myself against these accusations, but my lawyer wants to wait and try resolve the matter out of court. I asked him if he thought that I looked crazy and obsessed with Danielle? I asked him from what he has recieved from Danielle's mother (who has yet to produce the name of a legal representative so we can do business with him) does he think she has any case against me.  

  

  

Both answers are no, but it is frustrating to sit her and continue to recieve things that tell me I should go see a shrink for my hatred and apparent rage that I have inside of me. None of which is true. In my opinion and the opinion of two Dean-of-Students who both heard the case against me and had complaints filed with them they think that I am being stalked-- not these women. My lawyer wants to give them rope to hang themselves with in court so he just lets them continue with their behavior. He said he will do something when the time is right.  

  

I have already filed multiple police reports, taken my personal information off of the UT student directory (The University of Texas), changed email addresses (so I don't keep getting "cease and desist" letters threatening prison), and shut down my first online blog. I continously check the old email just to see if the same things are coming, and they are. I print out every one and put it in my files. Most of the time the Mother-Daughter-Duo resort to cheap name calling, and tell me I am a bully.  

  

  

I don't know about ya'll, but I  think I am the one being bullied here. I realize that I have to be strong, and that is good advice-- but should I take it one step further and get the law involved? Should I go to court and defend myself? 

Bonjour again! I was wondering if there is a definition or a set of criteria that a define a Toxic Friendship? I have been told in the past that I am a toxic person and none of the evidence that I can find (my family, or friends either) supports the statement of this person that I am toxic. I have since come to see this nomination of "toxic" as a fad description of anyone who you just don't like. It is very "in" to have toxic people in your life-- it gives you an excuse to write people off when you feel like it. It is very frustrating to be confronted with such an ambiguous description. The power of the word made me want to research it. 

  

  

I know that this isn't, realistically, the definition but I haven't gotten a good explanation of exactly what makes a friend toxic. My former friend will not give substantial reasons or examples of the supposed abuse she suffered because of me, and that is problematic. If I did these things, then don't I have a right to know exactly how I have offended the person that is calling me toxic?  

  

If Anyone can enlighten me as to the criteria or standard for a Toxic friend perhaps I could evaluate my own behavior in the wake of this conversation in which my friend alleges she is no longer speaking to me because I am toxic. Exactly what does that mean? Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

I think a toxic friendship causes more harm then good basically meaning though there might be good qualities in a person, it doesn't neccessarily mean that they are the best of friends to expose your self to. Here is my example. My husband has a friend that he met in college and they became good, best friends. Well, my husband(wasn't at this time) ended up moving in with this guy and his new wife, well it ended up that this couple was not very neat and the friends idea of a wife was basically that her place was in the home and the bed and no where else, they ended up having two children during this time but guess who was more of a father to the kids? It certainly was not this friend. This guy slept all day and played dungeons and dragons throughout the night with friends expecting the wife to take care of the kids, house and the guest, (but of course she had her issues as well, won't go there), Long story short, Ed (now my husband)meets a girl (me) and falls in love with her, and this friend instead of encouraging hom to follow his heart, basically tells him all the negatives about marriage and that he doesn't want to go there, well, thankfully my now hubby was smarter then his friend and went with his gut feeling and we have been happily married for 12 1/2 years with two wonderful little ones. This friend is still in the picture, he doesn't like me, never has but is good about putting on a good front. He is now divorced with four children that neither one has custody of at the moment, he recently got evicted from his apartment and once again has no job, well he needs a place to stay so guess where he is? yep, in my basement, sleeps through the day and plays computer games during the night, thinks I should give him his phone messages while his cell phone is turned off(doesn't happen), tells my hubby that all marriages now days does not last therefore he must get prepared. He has been accused of several things that is not good and not once have I heard him make a call to any of his children. The older two he wanted to put up for adoption when they were babies but for whatever reason did not happen but now, the oldest wants nothing to do with him but he is fighting for custody for the children basically just so his ex doesn't get them (which she doesn't need them either), Hew is staying in my home, though he doesn't like me and has not offered to lend a hand but will leave his pop cans whereever and puts his laundry in with ours thinking I am going to do it( not happening here). There is more but won't go any further. Now, I have been discussing this issue with my husband and letting him know that I do not have a problem with him being his friend and trying to help but there has to be a time when we must say no and to force a person to get out on their own which is something that I am doing , not my husband, I have set an amount of time for him to get his act together and he is out. Like I said at the beginning, though there may be good qualities in a person, it doesn't make them the best of friends. I believe this guy does more harm then good in a friendship. My husabnd has a heart and becasue this was his good friend in college, and they are still friends, he doesn't feel that he can tell him no, that he needs to be there for him no matter whaat. Now, I am a christian and am a very compassionate person, I feel for people and do whatever it takes to help some one to get on their feet or whatever, but I also believe there comes times when a person just has to get off their hineys and step up to the plate and take responsibility for their actions and to keep enabling some one to stay as they are just does not help. A toxic friend is one who doesn't seem to care about any one aound them but htemselves, yes, they might act really cool and friendly but when it comes right down to it, they are not sincere, as far as this friend of hubby's, he would love to see the day that hubby and I divorces and once again he and him can be the best of buddies again and play their little games but thankfully my hubby is a great guy and that day isn't gonna happen. Again, a toxic friendship does more harm then good, I think if this was a good friendship, this guy would treat his friends wife with respect and encourage his friend to do his very best to make his marriage last, He would show gratitude and offer to help, at least clean up after himself. A good friend is some one who you can count on but yet not manipulate and use to get what you want. I respect my husband and admire his faithfulness but as much as I hate to say it, his friend is toxic but for whatever reason, hubby does not see it that way. I don't know if this answers your question or not but I hope I helped some. In all honesty, All of us might be a little toxic as none of us are perfect but I suppose we should be asing our selves something along the lines of "why am I in this friendship or am I giving/receiving what I need to be in this relationship? Do I cause more harm then good in this friendship and what are my motives here? I don't know if any of this makes any sense as I never really gave it much thought til now. Good question though.