Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

In January, I ended a friendship with a woman I had been friends with for seven years.  Although I know it was absolutely the best thing to do at the time, now that spring has sprung and the likelihood that I will see her often has increased (this woman, Jan, lives in my community and her children attend the same school as my own), our situation becomes considerably more awkward and uncomfortable. 

  

Jan and I first met when we were neighbours.  It was instant friendship.  Our children played together and our husbands also became friends.  As time continued, her friendship became a bit too controlling.  As soon as we got home, the phone would ring.  When we had company, she and her family would show up.  It became more than a bit daunting.  Finally, 4 years ago, we moved and I hoped that the move would salvage our friendship.  We remained in the community, but Jan and I were no longer immediate neighbours. 

  

Over the years Jan has revealed herself to be very needy.  Whatever it was she needed became an immediate yearning.  Instantly, I would seek to help her.  Be it watching her children, having them stay overnight, helping her fix her failing marriage, writing emails and resumes for she and her husband, I was always there - ready to help.  I now realize this wasn't a good thing.  In turn, whenever I asked for anything, there was always a reason she couldn't help.  Either she forgot, was busy or just didn't get around to it.  Over time, I stopped asking for help.  The thing is, she would volunteer to do something for me which I knew wouldn't get done and then she'd let me down.  This became a repeated pattern - where the urgency of her needs almost defined our friendship.  I suppose I never truly gave it much thought. 

  

Finally, just before Christmas, she let me down in a matter concerning my ailing father that I couldn't forgive or forget.  Looking back, it was no worse than the myriad of other times that she had disappointed me, but to me, then, it was the proverbial straw.  In a phone conversation in January, I ended the friendship.  Far from elegantly (a dam of sorts had burst, I suppose), I unleashed all my vitriol.  She, a normally very assertive individual, let me rant and openly admitted that I had never let her down while she had let me down several times.  Her entire manner was quite subdued. 

  

Since then, I've seen her just twice.  Once when she was in the office at my children's school and the other day when she drove her children to school.  In our last conversation, I had told her I didn't want us to act as though we didn't know each other when we saw each other, but everytime she pretends not to see me.  Her husband deliberately turns his head.  And I'm frustrated.  I guess I feel like I should be the petulant one. 

  

Good sense tells me that the loss of her friendship falls under the category of "good riddance", but I must admit, I'm hurt.  I hoped that over time, we could at least be civil to one another (after all, all of our neighbours know we're friends), but it appears that that's not to be.  I could call her, yet each and every time there's been a disagreement, I've had to be the one to wave the symbolic white flag and initiate the talk.  This time, I'm not willing to do that. 

  

Typing this has been good, but I'd like some feedback.  I don't think I was wrong, but I hate this obvious "fighting".  It seems beneath all of us.  I know I can't control her behaviour, but it's irritating all the same. 

  

Anyone have some words of wisdom to throw my way?  I could really use them... 

Hi Abigail.  Please be more gental on yourself.  You got out of a "friendship" where you were being used.  One of the sure signs of a toxic friendship is that it is very unbalanced, as is your case with Jan.  It can be very draining when someone is so needy and constantly asking for favors and support. And it is very unnerving when the person is never there for you.  You were right to get out of this. It would have only continued to drain you.  And that type of person is so good at playing the martyr-acting like YOU hurt her!!! That is evident by the fact that she won't acknowledge you when she sees you.  She's acting wounded because the parasite has been cut away from the host.   

I'm glad you felt better after typing your post.  My advice is that I feel you were right in letting the friendship go, and if you run into her just be cordial but not overly warm.  It is always easier to be on polite terms with someone than to ignore them-believe it or not ignoring sometimes takes more out of you than a polite hello.  I know this because of a falling out I once had with a neighbor.  We avoided eachother when we were out at the same time until one day I approached her and made small talk. Now we always say hello and occasionally make small talk but I have no interest in resuming what was a toxic friendship to me.  If Jan ignores you when you say hello- so be it-atleast you made the effort to be on decent terms.  She will look like the fool.  But under no conditions would I get friendly with her again if I were you because she will continue to be toxic to  you.  Hope this helped. 

Juliebbq: 

  

Thanks for the affirmation.  I needed to hear your words of wisdom.  It always hurts to let go of a friendship, no matter how "bad" for you it is. 

  

You are absolutely right.  I do need to re-establish some civility with Jan, but I have to be on guard if she wants reconnect our friendship.  She's done this before and I've let her.  The thing is, I know better.  Don't we all?  Yet, we manage to get ourselves intricated in the worst sort of situations.  It's all so defeating in the long run. 

  

I appreciate your advice.  It helps to hear that I'm not completely mad (...or maybe I am). 

Hi again.  I agree it hurts to let go of a friendship.  As I said in my last response I had been very close to my neighbor.  But she began doing toxic things with the friendship that our sons had.  She was very manipulative with our sons' friendship and would play games like deliberately leaving just my son out of things.  Then her son turned on mine and got the whole bus stop (which is on my corner)to pick on him.  When I tried talking to her about it she gave me the "kids will be kids" cliche.  Then her daughter started to pick apart our bushes each day as she waited for the bus.  When I said something to her about it she told me I was picking on her daughter.  We had an argument which ended the friendship.  A few months later she seemed to be trying to re-establish the friendship and I wouldn't do it.  I also got feedback of how she was trashing me to other people in the neighborhood, and here I was not saying anything about what happened between us to anyone. That gradually died down with time. After a while I felt it was awkward living so near to someone and not talking so I made a move to be on cordial terms but I will never never never trust this person again.  Imagine not even telling your kids that bullying is wrong and that you don't destroy other people's property??  She would have been the first to be enraged if it happened to her kids or home. 

  

Stand strong Abigail.  Don't under ANY conditions re-establish the friendship.  You are not mad-this person is toxic and used you.  And now is playing the wounded victim now that you have pulled the gravy train of favors into the station.  Yes it hurts to lose a friend, even one as nasty as this neighbor I described.  I really did hurt for a while, but I realized that she didn't respect me much if she played manipulative games through the kids and refused to step in with the bullying and bush-whacking.  And I have held strong on this over several years now.  We will get in a conversation once or twice a year about what is happening in the neighborhood, but that is as far as it goes.  Remember- "Fool me once- shame on you.  Fool me twice-shame on me".  I didn't give this person a chance to fool me a second time and neither should you with Jan. 

I know it can be tense when you see her or her husband out in the community, and it will be tense for awhile. The best thing that you can do is to just smile and wave. If you are close by, such as passing her in a hall or something, again, smile and wave, and you could even say "hello"... but then break eye contact and keep on walking. This is going to make you feel alot better about this situation and about yourself. I have experienced a very similar situation, and I know exactly what you are talking about when you describe the "tense" feeling!! You know that you are better off without this friendship, the hurt is just not worth it. This woman is a taker, you are a giver, but you've given enough now. You are a good natured person, however, and my advice is to make these tense situation light by pretending her and/or her husband are strangers when you pass. Would you smile to a stranger? Probably, yes. Thats what I did with my ex friend, and it made me feel much better about myself. I wish you well!

Thanks Julie and Jen.  What a lot of support you've given.  These boards are fabulous! 

  

Jen, you're right.  If she were a stranger, I would somehow acknowledge her.  To simply look away would make me a very little person.  Yet, it's her or her husband who look away and, after these people have taken trips with us and have been an intricate part of our lives, it's hurtful.  But I in no way regret what I did.  She has shown herself to be even more "toxic" in the manner that she has dealt with this. 

  

Julie, your situation with your neighbour/friend sounds horrendous!  My goodness, has this person no class whatsoever?  Clearly, she's the very worst sort of person.  You've made such a wise decision to extricate yourself from her.  Imagine tolerating or even pretending to tolerate such poor behaviour from her children?  Is she from Mars? 

  

Yesterday, I offered my former friend's daughter a ride home.  She broke her leg and is on crutches and came up to me to tell me about the ordeal.  The girl suggested she'd rather walk and I let her.  I wonder if she'll tell her parents about the fact that I'm in no way as shallow as she is. 

  

Thanks again for the support.  Give yourselves a pat on the back for me. 

And you're welcome for the support!! Sounds like you are taking the high road and being pleasant, and that is the route you should continue to take, of course with caution to just be polite but not overly friendly. One thing that is hard to do is to squelch that little hope that may crop up that the person will miraculously change and see the light.  It is not going to happen.  A user is not going to change, just like an insensitive clod like my neighbor isn't either. By the way I appreciated your validation of my situation.  Even though it happened a long time ago, there were times that I went over it and asked myself if I had handled it in the best way.  I believe I did, because when someone is doing something that hurts your child (and an adult no less!!!) you have to take instant action. I don't think she ever expected me to take such a strong stand because I am quiet by nature.  But hurt my child in any way and the tigress comes out!!!! Imagine a grown woman behaving that way and manipulating her children to behave like brats and not putting a stop to it.  I knew I could never trust her again and NO TRUST equals NO FRIENDSHIP!!!! Have a good day! 

  

To Jen:  I thought you gave Abigail good advice!  Have a good day!!! 

Unfortunately, there's way more to this story than this title says. It really doesn't give justice to how much happened. Anyway, the story starts with me and my old friend and continues as I feel hurt hateful, and confused as to what to do with this situation. I don't know what to do anymore. 

  

Way back when I was in grade school, I had a friend named Daniel who I had just become friends with in fifth grade. Anyway, we had just gotten back to school, now sixth graders and he tells me he wants to introduce me to these two friends of his. Surprisingly, I already knew who they were, but I had never really conversed with them up until that point. Unsurprisingly though, we all became this inseparable group of friends and no one could split us up. Even thought I was the only girl in the group, I felt more at home with the three of them. We were all very very different than each other, but that was what made hanging out with each other fun. Life was really good back then. 

  

This continued for a long time. We stayed best of friends, but I began getting closer to the quiet person of our group: Aaron. Aaron was special to me in way I couldn't describe. He was the only quiet, studious male in our group (and he was kind of cute). I mean, I had brother-and-sister feelings for Daniel and Kevin (the other person in our group of friends), but I felt more for Aaron. For a while, I was in denial about having feelings for my best friend. But finally, I gave in and accepted I felt that was. And that's when I decided to tell Kevin.  

  

Kevin was probably the only person I could talk to this about since Daniel was to much of a loud mouth to risk it. He was surprised, but offered me advice. So he became the guy I trusted most. One day, Aaron passed a not to me 15 minutes before class ended and told me not to read it until after school. II was confused, but when I read it, I couldn't have been more happy. He had just told me he had feelings for me. I didn't even think out my response.  I just said, "I have feelings for you too." we got together after that. But things took a turn for the worse. We were happy together, but we stopped paying attention to Daniel and Kevin. Daniel was oblivious as to what was going on, but Kevin was in the loop and getting upset. 

  

It was then that I found out Kevin had a crush on me! This upset me because there was nothing I could do and everything was awkward. I tried avoiding him so he would just forget about me. Stupid idea since that only made him get really depressed and weepy thinking I hated him. Hate was never something I felt for him, but eventually, it grew to that. When I tried to fix things, all he could talk about was how I ruined his life and suicide. I tried changing his mind, with some effort added by Daniel, but it didn' work. At the same time, things started went bad between me and Aaron. We had still been happy, but after a while, Aaron stopped loving me. He told me that, "I used to get these feelings whenever I saw you, but now it doesn't happen anymore."  

  

Then he asked the question, "Can we still be friends?"  

  

Me, being stupid, said yes, and when I was as far away as possible in a private place, I cried. And cried. Wishing someone would say it was okay and say that I was better than him. Truth is, that person would've  been right, but no one came. After that, we all drifted apart. I was to brokenhearted to look at Aaron and a little , but at the same time I couldn't stand emotional Kevin. So I've stuck with Daniel up until now. But I'm starting to drift away from Daniel now that we're moving onto more important things. I hate it. Because I'm losing them all now. 

  

What do I do? I'm mad at them all for stupid reasons. But it hurts to linger on the past with them. Do I kill this struggling withering plant and replace it or do I give it a chance? 

You are right.  Your "friend" is being very selfish.  She has shown no regard for your feelings or the situation she has put you in.  If it were me I  would openly tell her that this is not acceptable behavior and if she values your friendship she will change her new plans and honor the agreement she made with you in the first place.  If she refuses to consider the awkward position that she has placed you in, and begin to behave honorably,  I would seriously drop her and seek friendships with people who will treat you with the respect that you deserve. 

  

Will you have your own room (that locks) on this vacation?  If so I would go on the vacation anyway and have a good time.  When I returned, I would seek to meet some better friends. 

Hi, I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for four years. We were married for about a year and we met a guy that trained our dog for hunting. Since they both enjoyed duck hunting so much they hit it off pretty well. Soon they were together all the time. I liked him too at first. He seemed like a nice guy and has a nice wife and family. But as I got to know him, there were things that I didn't like. He cheated on his wife, has no belief of God, and drinks. Now it is worse because he works with my husband. I also found out that he was tellind my husband bad things about me, like I use our baby as an excuse to not keep our house clean and that we are in debt because I can't control my spending. But he recently borrowed a thousand dollars from my husband, okay. I let my husband know that I didn't like them spending time together because I feel like friends reflect what type of person you are. But he refused to stop hanging around him. Although they don't spend as much time together, they still consider each other friends and go on hunting trips and hang out. It drives me crazy to be around him because he is so two faced. I know he still cheats on his wife and other mutual friends that we have he talks about them. I just don't want my husband to lose his true friends to this manipulative, two-faced friend.  I love him and would never make him choose, but I see the effects of this toxic friendship. How can I help him see what he doesn't want to see without it becoming a wedge between us?