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Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Number of Replies: 486
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:20:14 am
Author : dataimport
It can be hard to extricate yourself from a friendship gone bad. Share your stories and strategies for handling this sticky situation.

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August 22, 2005, 11:31 am CDT

A Couple Of Definitions From My Research

"anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused."  

   

" I mean that this toxic person undermines whatever you've done or have.  If he downplays the importance of an award you've won, or derides a job you're proud to do, or belittles the things in which you believe"  

   

I believe that Danielle and her mother fit this definition:  

  

The User as a Toxic Friend:
This person only has friends as long as he/she can use them for some purpose or goal of his/her own. This person could be the most harmful of toxic friends.  

  

Then again I think we could all be a little bit toxic in different periods of our lives, but I believe that I have been the victim of someone who used me as long as she could and when she I wanted to just be her normal friend (not her "college friend" while she was still in high school) and not her decorative center piece at parties or a reference so people could think that she was cool because she knew someone who was smart and won awards etc.   

  

  

When she couldn't get anything else from me she turned it all around on me and claimed I was toxic!   

 
August 22, 2005, 11:42 am CDT

Thank You!

Thank you Jen for your very sweet message. I am feeling better due to the fact that I have supportive messages (like yours), and I have been doing some research. I have read both books by Dr. Phil. (I am sort of a reading freak-- I read like other people eat...haha) The more I research, examine and think about my situation the more I have come to realize that these women are just people that are into using other people.  

  

I feel 100% better about the fact that this relationship is over because I realize that I didn't lose a friend-- I lost a leech, a pretender, and drama-queen. As mean as it sounds, I have had to understand that this person has done this to countless people. I just got in touch with at least 3 other people who have been hurt by Danielle and her mother in similar manner. It seems (as the evidence from my research and soul-searching falls into place) that they are Serial Toxic Friends. They use people, and then drop them amoungst accusations that the person they used is horrible.  

  

It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in the way these women treated me. That there is a whole handful of other people who have had similar experiences with these people. I am really and truly working past being angry at Danielle, and have progressed to the point where I feel really bad for her.  

  

I look back at her and how she behaved and I realize-- that she never had anyone as her close friend, she never had anyone to talk to-- she is almost emotionally and mentally incapable of maintaining relationships with people she can't suck dry. The bell rings and I realize that I never really knew her and that the person she was in front of me was an act. She and her mother are very sad, lonely people. 

  

I am going to take Jen's advice and rejoice in all my family and friends that love me. I have best friends of 8 years (all 10 of us grew up together on the same street), my Best Friend of almost 15 years (we met in 1rst grade!), my boyfriend of 3 years and my twin brother. I have plenty of love and encouragement to sustain me and the loss of this girl in my life is a mere blip on the radar.  

  

Thank you to Jen and the other people on here that have helped me to realize this. You pulled me out of a hole-- and it is very much appreciated.  

 
August 25, 2005, 2:25 pm CDT

I didn't realize

Wow!!!  I guess I just didn't realize how many people have toxic friends...I truly thought I was the only one.  Several people in my life told me over years that I was in a bad friendship and it took a long time for me to finally admit it to myself.  I am one to "fix" things and I honestly thought I could do something to "fix" this person; however, I FINALLY saw the light!!!!  I felt soooooo guilty for a long time - even now I still have those feeling come up - but I definitely know things are better for me and for her.  thanks to everyone for sharing their situations.  It really helps knowing you're not alone.
 
August 28, 2005, 6:51 am CDT

need advice

Hello,     

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.     

thanks in advance ;0)     

 
August 28, 2005, 8:49 am CDT

Your welcome...

Quote From: parisienne

Thank you Jen for your very sweet message. I am feeling better due to the fact that I have supportive messages (like yours), and I have been doing some research. I have read both books by Dr. Phil. (I am sort of a reading freak-- I read like other people eat...haha) The more I research, examine and think about my situation the more I have come to realize that these women are just people that are into using other people.  

  

I feel 100% better about the fact that this relationship is over because I realize that I didn't lose a friend-- I lost a leech, a pretender, and drama-queen. As mean as it sounds, I have had to understand that this person has done this to countless people. I just got in touch with at least 3 other people who have been hurt by Danielle and her mother in similar manner. It seems (as the evidence from my research and soul-searching falls into place) that they are Serial Toxic Friends. They use people, and then drop them amoungst accusations that the person they used is horrible.  

  

It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in the way these women treated me. That there is a whole handful of other people who have had similar experiences with these people. I am really and truly working past being angry at Danielle, and have progressed to the point where I feel really bad for her.  

  

I look back at her and how she behaved and I realize-- that she never had anyone as her close friend, she never had anyone to talk to-- she is almost emotionally and mentally incapable of maintaining relationships with people she can't suck dry. The bell rings and I realize that I never really knew her and that the person she was in front of me was an act. She and her mother are very sad, lonely people. 

  

I am going to take Jen's advice and rejoice in all my family and friends that love me. I have best friends of 8 years (all 10 of us grew up together on the same street), my Best Friend of almost 15 years (we met in 1rst grade!), my boyfriend of 3 years and my twin brother. I have plenty of love and encouragement to sustain me and the loss of this girl in my life is a mere blip on the radar.  

  

Thank you to Jen and the other people on here that have helped me to realize this. You pulled me out of a hole-- and it is very much appreciated.  

You are so lucky that you have many close friends and family to help you move forward and get over the past hurt. I'm glad to hear that you feel that you have begun to actually feel sorry for this girl, because you are right, she is the one who has serious problems. It takes time to heal these kinds of wounds, but you will come out a better person because you will now see her type of person from a mile away and know not to get involved with them! Good luck to you always!
 
September 1, 2005, 10:08 am CDT

To Parisienne - re toxic

I wouldn't mind betting the phrase "toxic" originated with the psychologist Susan Forward.  In her book "Toxic Parents" she compares the emotional damage various types of parents do to their children as being like a chemical toxin - something which grows and spreads and causes more and more pain.  ("Toxic In-laws" is actually the better book in my opinion if you want to read something more to get a better idea of what she means.)  

  

If it's any help I've read your story and I agree with one of your earlier posts - Danielle used you as an excuse/reason for something and didn't know how to retract her accusation when her mother started taking action to make sure you didn't continue with the acquaintance. 

 
September 6, 2005, 8:06 am CDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

I'm not really sure where to post this.... But here it goes  

   

I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls ages 4&6 .   

   

The father and I broke up over 4 years ago..He wasn't abusesive it was the mental abuse that hurt the most. Name calling and such .   Now as things go on he and I do talk on the phone ...but it's always about the past of what could of been & should of been. I have since then got married now 4 years rather quickly to get away from him.   

The father is supposed to pay child support now over $15000 due in support ..and I still let him see our kids?  I have called the child support they keep on saying we are working on it ??   

Am I wrong of letting him see our kids? Even before we broke up we argue on everything and still do.  

Any advice please help!   

   

 
September 6, 2005, 11:45 am CDT

child support

Quote From: hub2727

I'm not really sure where to post this.... But here it goes  

   

I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls ages 4&6 .   

   

The father and I broke up over 4 years ago..He wasn't abusesive it was the mental abuse that hurt the most. Name calling and such .   Now as things go on he and I do talk on the phone ...but it's always about the past of what could of been & should of been. I have since then got married now 4 years rather quickly to get away from him.   

The father is supposed to pay child support now over $15000 due in support ..and I still let him see our kids?  I have called the child support they keep on saying we are working on it ??   

Am I wrong of letting him see our kids? Even before we broke up we argue on everything and still do.  

Any advice please help!   

   

First I want to tell you that verbal/mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, as I'm sure you alread know. In some cases, verbal abuse is worse because those hurtful words stay in your mind for a long time and can effect your self esteem for years to come. 

  

As for child support and visitation...at this point, if you were to not allow him to see the children because he isn't paying child support, that would be like punishing the children. If you were to go to court, a judge would still order visitation for your ex with the kids even though he hasn't paid, because in the courts eyes, they do not see it as "paying" to see your children. However something needs to be done for you very soon- you shouldn't be going so long without any support! Do you ask your ex why he isn't paying? Is the child support coming out of his paycheck or is he supposed to pay you directly? I suggest that if it doesn't come out of his check, you need to go to your probate court ASAP and tell them you need it to come out of his pay because he isn't paying. At that time, they can also order an extra amount of money to start to pay down what is owed in back payments.  

  

I know it is very tempting to cut him off from the children because he isn't paying, but thats not the right thing to do. As long as he isn't being abusive to the children, his visitation should stay the same. He owes you alot of money, though, and its terrible that he is basicaly allowing his own children to go without. I would consult an attorney if I were you to ask what you can do about this. Usually they will give you a free consultation, and if you do hire an attorney, they can arrange to have their fee taken out of the money you eventually get from your ex. Please take action soon, you and those kids deserve it. 

 
September 6, 2005, 12:25 pm CDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: jenoc99

First I want to tell you that verbal/mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, as I'm sure you alread know. In some cases, verbal abuse is worse because those hurtful words stay in your mind for a long time and can effect your self esteem for years to come. 

  

As for child support and visitation...at this point, if you were to not allow him to see the children because he isn't paying child support, that would be like punishing the children. If you were to go to court, a judge would still order visitation for your ex with the kids even though he hasn't paid, because in the courts eyes, they do not see it as "paying" to see your children. However something needs to be done for you very soon- you shouldn't be going so long without any support! Do you ask your ex why he isn't paying? Is the child support coming out of his paycheck or is he supposed to pay you directly? I suggest that if it doesn't come out of his check, you need to go to your probate court ASAP and tell them you need it to come out of his pay because he isn't paying. At that time, they can also order an extra amount of money to start to pay down what is owed in back payments.  

  

I know it is very tempting to cut him off from the children because he isn't paying, but thats not the right thing to do. As long as he isn't being abusive to the children, his visitation should stay the same. He owes you alot of money, though, and its terrible that he is basicaly allowing his own children to go without. I would consult an attorney if I were you to ask what you can do about this. Usually they will give you a free consultation, and if you do hire an attorney, they can arrange to have their fee taken out of the money you eventually get from your ex. Please take action soon, you and those kids deserve it. 

Well it's kind of hard for them to press the child support because he claims he is self-employed ...he is suppose to pay his support through the child support office.   

I have recently recieved paper work now it states in the letter it's now a 5th degree felony plus a huge fine. With him on top of that he is on probation so if caught he would spend 7 years in prison..I remind him everytime when we talk that he should get this taking of. But I can only do so much as far as advice. :(  

   

I did stop the visitation for awhile back months ago because of his drug use and drinking.   

Since then he hasn't as far as I know has stopped useing.   

And ever since this has been going on our kids go on long visits and come back with a smart mouth.. I have one set of rules he has none. So it's like starting all over again everytime. My kids are starting question me about him and the way things are ?  

I honestly don't know what to say to a 4& 6 year old. I don't bad talk about him when they are around that is something I would never do.   

But at the same time I don't want to paint a pretty picture of him either so what I have been doing to is ..to let them see & figure it out themselves.  I'am so flustered most of the time ...I just don't know what else to do.   

   

   

 
September 13, 2005, 11:36 am CDT

ending toxic friendships

I have been reading all the ordeals with toxic friendships and I decided to post my own message regarding mine in hopes of some advice.   

    

I have been seeing this man for over a year and we dated in high school some 30plus years ago.  When we first decided to date, he told me he had a girlfriend but he wasn't happy because she's loud, obnoxious and rude most of the time and was an embarrassment.   

    

He and I have a great relationship.  We have so much in common and really enjoy eachother's company.  The only wrong thing is this "friend" of his.  She won't let go.  As a matter of fact, her exact words were, "I don't care who he's with, I will always be a part of his life.  I'm never going away."  At first, I thought, "oh, ok."  But she wasn't kidding.  It's a classic example of she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to have anyone else.  

    

She calls him everyday at least once or twice.  She used to call him while we were out together.  (he finally got her to stop doing that.)  My problem is him, I think.  He made it very clear to me that he will not tell her to get lost.  He says he loves me and can't imagine his life without me in it but yet he continues to hold onto this woman.  I know there's nothing romantically happening on his part but I don't know what she's up to.  I don't like her and I don't trust her but believe me, I've tried everything.   

    

He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I don't understand his reasoning so where do I go from here????   

    

Frustrated in Ohio   

 
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