Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

Hi 

I had a confrontation with one of my co-workers, who I had also considered a friend.  When my co-worker recently behaved very rudely towards me for no apparent reason, I decided to speak up.  To make a long story short, the conversation ended with him saying, "What!  You thought we were friends?  We were never friends and you are not the type of person I would want to be friends with."  The whole episode ended with me saying "Well I am shocked and sorry to hear this, because I thought I had been a very good friend to you." (which I had)  In any case, I abruptly left the office and he called me  (within 5 minutes of my leaving the office) on my cell phone wanting to explain.  I responded by telling him I never wanted to speak to him again.   

Alas, work quickly forced us back together and he explained himself by telling me that he felt I wanted more from him than he was willing to give, and also felt that I had misguided romantic feelings towards him.  He also said that he appreciated all the help I'd been giving him at work, but wanted to make his boundaries clear.   

Needless to say, as a woman, I felt hurt by this (attracted to him or not) and, as a person, I felt insulted.   

In conclusion, and here lies my dilema, when I told him of my intention to transfer out of the department in view of the fact that I was no longer comfortable working with him, he begged me to reconsider and now does everything he can to get me to stay.  Like an idiot, I'm still there, but feel really uncomfortable working with him .   

I am a courteous and helpful person who cannot say no to someone who asks for my assistance.  In this case, however, I feel stupid and self-conscious everytime I have to work on a specific project with him or when I am forced to give him my help..This feels toxic to me. Any suggestions? 

Thanks! 

Just because you are a courteous and helpful person doesn't mean that you should tolerate being used and mistreated by this "friend." You know that this relationship is toxic, but it sounds like you need to hear it from an outside source- so allow me to validate your feelings for you- yes, its very toxic! What would be the reasons for him wanting to keep you in the same office, is it because you are very helpful and you make his life easier at work? If you were to transfer to another office, would that be inconveniencing yourself by a lot or not at all? I also want to encourage you to consider the fact that you are going to have experiences like this again in your life, so it might be best to stay where you are and make a resolution with yourself to put this incident in the past, and keep as much distance as possible from this person. What he said was so rude!! It must have hurt your feelings very much. It wasn't just rude, but it was cruel as well. Everything that he said could have been said in a much kinder fashion. You are short-changing yourself by being kind and helpful to people who don't return the same for you. You can be nice but also keep your dignity. I wish you the best, you deserve it. 

I posted the message below on a different friendship topic section, but then found this one and starting thinking it might be more appropriate here:   

I'm having a problem with a friend, which is what brought me here.  It seems that she always wants me to be there when she needs me, but she doesn't reciprocate.    

She is currently pregnant and she is upset with me because I'm not helping her.  She knows that I have had some serious medical tests done recently and she hasn't even bothered to ask how I am doing or what I found out.  It's almost like she thinks it's all about her.    

We recently had a falling out because she called me to have a beer with her for St. Patrick's Day.  I don't believe that pregnant women should be drinking at all, so I sent her some information about fetal alcohol syndrome, in case she didn't know how serious it is.  She took offense to it and denies ever having asked (I have her voice mail message, so I know I wasn't imagining it).  What followed were nasty e-mails telling me that I'm insane and am being a bad friend.  I told her I did not appreciate her sending nasty e-mails to me at work, where someone could be monitoring them for inapproriate words such as the ones she used.  I told her I felt like she could have put my job in jeopardy.  She said, "I NEVER put your job in jeopardy and have nothing to apologize about."  She also said "I wanted to put all this behind us so we could move on and you could support me, but I see that you do not care enough to do that."    

Where is my support?  She's pregnant and makes it out to be suffering and tormoil instead of the joyous time it is supposed to be.  I am facing a potentially life threatening illness and have to start a couple of years of medicinal therapy.  I feel that you have to be a friend to have a friend.  It became painfully obvious to me that she wants me to be her friend, but she's not interested in being mine.  I told her that I disgree about this being "a silly mess", as she called it.  Now she won't leave me alone.  All this leaves me wondering...what the heck kind of person am I really dealing with here?    

I am in need of some solid advice.  I long time "friend" of mine has always been prone to gossip actually all of the women in her family thrive on it.  We are no longer close the way we used to be because of it.  I now view her as a "toxic friend."  Vicious rumors coming from her almost ended my marriage 2 years ago.  I still deal with this family because my husband and I are business partners with her husband.  So during a conversation with her husband/business partner I was informed that the husband of one of my other very dear friends is having a long term affair with toxic friends cousin.  (They were high school sweet hearts)  according to my business partner they are planning to divorce their current spouses and marry each other.  Sounds crazy I know but it is also a possibility.  I have no intention of telling my dear friend of this rumor I have heard because I know what rumors of this sort can do to a person emotionally.  And I would never cause trouble for anyone over something I did not see with my own eyes.  It's been done to me and it almost cost me my family.   At the same time I am extremely bothered by this information.  I know what it's like to be a trusting wife thinking everything is fine and then learning that your husband IS cheating on you.  How do I sit here knowing this information that could very possibly be true and do nothing. 

Part of me wants to talk to my dear friends husband about what's being said about him and his family.  Asking him not to confirm or deny the information but to let him know exactly what infidelity can do to a person and a family.  I had wished that someone would have stepped up and talked some sense into my husband when he was unfaithful.   

Well, I have known my best friend for 8 years. We always got along well...that's until she graduated. I was in a relationship at that time and it was getting serious and we were talking of marriage. She was always soo jealous of me and him and I knew it cause I would always have to watch what I said about him around her. I would just say his name and she would completely ignore me and pretent like she didn't care. She'd say "oh really?" and not say anything more, you could tell she was not at all interested. 
 So she is 21 now and has been out of high school for 4 years..she doesn't have her license, or a job(she never had one before), and she never went to college or took any classes. She has been at home the whole time, and she only really goes out (of her house)when me and her go shopping or hang out. By the way I was her only friend during those 4 years.  
I have always felt soo bad cause she never had a boyfriend or anything going on in her life. During 3 of those 4 years that she was out of high school I was working, had my own car and license, and I was engaged to be married. So basically she envied me and was jealous of me. She told me that she felt left out. I always encouraged her to do something with her life...but she always made up one excuse after another to not do anything. I was always there for her all the time.  
So 5 months ago she meet this guy online and they start talking. She tells me that he has HIV and that he is 18(keep in mind she is 21) and lives 150 miles away. She says that he was born with it...that's what he told her. So now she is extremely happy...but I'm thinking she is a little dumb for getting involved with a guy online she has never met before. So they meet for the first time in November 2005. I have to go drop her off at K-Mart cause she never even told her parents about him. She lied to them and told them she was with me all day...when she was actually going to meet him. So about a month ago her mom gets an anonomous phone call and the caller says that she and me are lesbians and doing bad stuff and then the caller tells her mom about her boyfriend. So I was totally freaked out by this. I am not a lesbian and never will be and I am married and very happy. So I got freaked out by that call.  
Then last week her boyfriend comes up again..and when he is halfway there...her parents gets another phone call and the caller says that my friend and her boyfriend are going to get a motel room together and that he has HIV....so now both parents know she has a boyfriend with HIV. That was on the very same day the boyfriend was coming to visit her. So the parents get freaked out and so do I.  
So come to find out that her boyfriend told his whole family of his plans. And the caller was his perverted uncle. And the whole lesbian thing came from something my friend implied to her boyfriend and then he went and told his perverted uncle cause he'd know he'd like to hear about her possibly having lesbian feelings.  
 
So I tell my friend a couple days later that I am freaked out and that I don't want to be involved with her boyfriend and I don't want her to tell him anything about me...to prevent me from being a target of rumors. So she FREAKS OUT ON ME...and starts a huge fight. I tell her I don't trust her boyfriend or her cause it was all feeling very suspicious and I didn't like that the lesbian thing came from my friend. Cause the caller said her only friend..and that's me and my friend told her boyfriend about me being her only friend. So my friend does have some lesbian feelings or thoughts. I have felt VERY uncomfortable around her the last year or so. So I got freaked out.  
So now I find out that she broke up with her boyfriend not 3 days after he came up to visit her. And my friends mom calls me the other day and says that she won't come out of her room and she's not eating cause the two people she trusted most "dumped her".  
So her mom is continuing calling me and basically asking me to make amends. That's NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO. I
I have had enough of her and her attitude towards me. She is very sarcastic, rude, negative and she is very emotionally confused. She can cut your head off with her words basically, and I have put up with it for too long.This has been going on for over 4 years. I feel like she uses me and she is always depressed and negative. I have tried sooo hard to help her and when I try she always says "why can't you help me...I thought that's what friends were supposed to do" I do help her, but some things she has to do on her own and she doesn't understand that. I feel like she is putting her whole life on my shoulders so that I can live it for her!!!!   

Any ideas on what to do???? 

I have been friends with Cathy since we were in the 7th grade.  We have talked endlessly about not playing games with people, and being upfront and so on. Lately I noticed that whenever we talked, she would make remarks about people calling back or not doing things as often as she felt they should and so on.   Her oldest daughter has an event coming up.  I inquired as to when it was, and of course would like to be there.  I did advise her at least a week or so ago that I wouldn't be able to attend, I am going out of town.  Nothing was said by her.  I saw her again sometime later, went to a baseball game with the kids all seemed fine.  I called her again and she was very short and snotty.  Called another time, same thing.  Finally I did ask if there was a problem.  She said sort of and proceeded to tell me that she didn't like it that I was not coming to the event for her daughter.  I asked her why she waited so long to tell me she was upset with me, only to find out she has brewing about this and other things.  For instance, I don't call back right away when she calls.  I am doing something with another friend.  I asked her then what she wanted out of our friendship.  She said she didn't know.   I left it with her that I would still like to see the kids now and again.  Help!