Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

I have known J for 20 years. She's funny, artistically very talented, and has been a good friend to me and to my husband, as we have been to them. About a year ago, I took up a particular artistic pursuit, and although J and her husband didn't have the funds for her to participate, she really wanted to take the class, and we arranged that J's husband would do some renovations for us, and we would pay for her to take the class.  We didn't have much money at that time (or now, for that matter), but it seemed a reasonable way to say thanks for J's husband's help, which I know he would have happily given for free.  Both J and I really enjoyed the class, and both decided to continue on. 

Long story short, although J has brought a high level of creativity to her work in this medium, she hasn't attained the same level of skill that I have. I'm not tremendously creative, but I've mastered the mechanics of the work quite well, to the point that our instructor has invited me to be (the most junior) part of his "build team" for creating his own work.

Six weeks ago, J and I were both given the opportunity to attend a workshop in another city. I booked a hotel room, and offered to share it with her; she refused very ungraciously, staying in college residence for about what the shared room would have cost. While we were there, she was quite cool to me, and refused my offers to work with her, though I solicited her help and both sought and accepted her advice on some of my pieces, J was scathing about my apparent desire to "go home with a lot of product".  I actually don't think there's anything wrong with product; I have sales for some of my pieces, and that in part has offset my costs in this medium. 

I'm hurt by her behaviour, and although I'm trying to realize it's not necessarily about me, it's hard not to take it personally. I value the friendship -- am I a chump?

I've always believed that friendships should last as long as people do, because we're all in this together, and there is almost always someone with whom you can bare your soul and always know that you are safe with them. 

My "best friend" has gotten herself involved with some stuff with which I completely disagree.  She became involved in a religious cult about seven years ago and has gone to the deep end, and has not been as much of a friend as she has spent more and more time with these people.  She doesn't see them as dangerous as I do, and she has been brainwashed enough at the same time that she follows their precepts to the point of exclusivity of other things.  When her mom passed away last year, she used her newfound "faith" to get her through, but I was there as much as possible for her, to the exclusion of other things in my own life just to make sure she made it through. 

Six months ago, she began to correspond with this cult member 500 or so miles away (she's in Massachusetts, he's in Kentucky) and became utterly infatuated with him over that time.  Please understand, she has never met this guy--he just shares her radical views--and yet she announced to me just a few days ago while we were on a trip together, that she was going to marry him when she went down to Kentucky for 10 days to be with him.  There was no advanced warning, other than her 1 hour phone calls to him every single day at least two times a day, and that was about it.  So I got mad with her.  I said she was going to marry a guy she'd only known 6 months just because he believed in the same radical concepts as she did, over listening to the advice of a friend she'd had for over 20 years.  I told her if she married him, she was a fool, and that if she did, it was the end of our friendship completely. 

I've felt for some time that our friendship was largely unequal.  While monetarily I was not equal, when I've had money, I've been more than generous, but the main part is for the past 20 years it took a significant effort to maintain a friendship with her, and I was almost always the one who did the work.  I lived away for awhile, but I called several times a week, I wrote, I visited, and at one point, I even paid for her to come and visit me where I was.  I was always the initiator of things, and now, looking back over the course of those years, I find myself wondering where her contribution to the friendship was and not liking what I see in terms of reciprocation. 

But now, she has decided her new found cult views are far more important to her life, and that anything outside of that sphere of influence is expendable, even though she doesn't say it out loud.  But after last night, I am done trying to maintain what has become for me something that takes up too much of my precious time and life when I fear there isn't any true friendship coming from the other half of it. 

I am not happy I have had to do this, but I fear that it was coming now for some time, and while I have made excuses for her in the past, my own level of energy and health has deteriorated to the point where I can only keep up with those things which keep me going, and don't drag me down. 

It is not a pleasant thing to do with someone you care about, but if they are awakened by your pronouncement at all and want to try to save the friendship, it is on your terms, not theirs that such a measure can come about.  Do not accept them back into your life if they are not willing to put the same time and energy into the relationship as you have put into it for the much longer time.  If they try to make it status quo, it is time to say goodbye permanently. 

I have been friends with Cathy since we were in the 7th grade.  We have talked endlessly about not playing games with people, and being upfront and so on. Lately I noticed that whenever we talked, she would make remarks about people calling back or not doing things as often as she felt they should and so on.   Her oldest daughter has an event coming up.  I inquired as to when it was, and of course would like to be there.  I did advise her at least a week or so ago that I wouldn't be able to attend, I am going out of town.  Nothing was said by her.  I saw her again sometime later, went to a baseball game with the kids all seemed fine.  I called her again and she was very short and snotty.  Called another time, same thing.  Finally I did ask if there was a problem.  She said sort of and proceeded to tell me that she didn't like it that I was not coming to the event for her daughter.  I asked her why she waited so long to tell me she was upset with me, only to find out she has brewing about this and other things.  For instance, I don't call back right away when she calls.  I am doing something with another friend.  I asked her then what she wanted out of our friendship.  She said she didn't know.   I left it with her that I would still like to see the kids now and again.  Help! 

I ended a toxic frienship a few months ago because I felt my fiance and I were being taken for granted.  Our phone only rang when this couple needed something.  Also, if we were at the movies with this couple, one of them was constantly texting other friends, and if we were at a restaurant, they were constantly on their cell phones.  I just had enough and ended our friendship.  

What I'm confused about now, though, is that I miss them.  I think it's more because when my fiance and I go out, we're alone now.  Not that I don't like being alone with him, but I do miss having friends around.  The rest of our friends are married and have children, and it's not easy for them to get out as often as we'd like.  I am too shy of a person to go out and make conversation with people I don't know.  How do I get past this friendship that has ended?  

Like many of you, I have a friendship that is toxic. I have known this "friend" for about four years, but we didn't become anything more than acquaintances until this past year or so. I really like this person, as he is fun to be around and has a very funny personality. Unfortunately, he isn't a very good friend.

       This past summer, both of us joined a group from school and went to Europe. We seemed to get along very well  in Europe and spent a lot of time around each other and with one other person who happened to be one of my "friend's" best friends. While at times I felt like the odd one out, it was understandable because I was not as good of friends with either one of them and we still all got along very well.

       Well, shortly after I got back, my mother died and it was obviously a very painful experience. My "friend" called to offer his condolences and invited me to do something with him (this was about 2 days afterward). Because I felt it was a little too soon to be doing those things, I declined, but thanked him anyway.

      After a week or so I started calling him about every other day or so, and we would occasionally "hang out," but often times he would say he was "tired" or didn't feel like doing anything. It was only about a month ago that I realized that I was the one always doing the calling and that he seemed to usually have an excuse not to hang out with me. He called me one time this summer on his own, and once again recently  only because he needed help with summer reading shortly before school started. I flipped out on him and told him no and actually felt bad afterward.

     I guess what I was wondering is, what should I do in this case. I realize this is not a productive friendship and I'm putting in way more than I'm getting out of it. While I do enjoy the time we spend together, it isn't worth the stress worrying about the friendship. I just don't know how to end it--for some reason I have the desire to make him feel bad about the way he's treated me or at least show him what he's missing. I know I probably shouldn't feel this way, but I just don't know how to help it.