Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

I'm not really sure where to post this.... But here it goes  

   

I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls ages 4&6 .   

   

The father and I broke up over 4 years ago..He wasn't abusesive it was the mental abuse that hurt the most. Name calling and such .   Now as things go on he and I do talk on the phone ...but it's always about the past of what could of been & should of been. I have since then got married now 4 years rather quickly to get away from him.   

The father is supposed to pay child support now over $15000 due in support ..and I still let him see our kids?  I have called the child support they keep on saying we are working on it ??   

Am I wrong of letting him see our kids? Even before we broke up we argue on everything and still do.  

Any advice please help!   

   

First I want to tell you that verbal/mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, as I'm sure you alread know. In some cases, verbal abuse is worse because those hurtful words stay in your mind for a long time and can effect your self esteem for years to come. 

  

As for child support and visitation...at this point, if you were to not allow him to see the children because he isn't paying child support, that would be like punishing the children. If you were to go to court, a judge would still order visitation for your ex with the kids even though he hasn't paid, because in the courts eyes, they do not see it as "paying" to see your children. However something needs to be done for you very soon- you shouldn't be going so long without any support! Do you ask your ex why he isn't paying? Is the child support coming out of his paycheck or is he supposed to pay you directly? I suggest that if it doesn't come out of his check, you need to go to your probate court ASAP and tell them you need it to come out of his pay because he isn't paying. At that time, they can also order an extra amount of money to start to pay down what is owed in back payments.  

  

I know it is very tempting to cut him off from the children because he isn't paying, but thats not the right thing to do. As long as he isn't being abusive to the children, his visitation should stay the same. He owes you alot of money, though, and its terrible that he is basicaly allowing his own children to go without. I would consult an attorney if I were you to ask what you can do about this. Usually they will give you a free consultation, and if you do hire an attorney, they can arrange to have their fee taken out of the money you eventually get from your ex. Please take action soon, you and those kids deserve it. 

Well it's kind of hard for them to press the child support because he claims he is self-employed ...he is suppose to pay his support through the child support office.   

I have recently recieved paper work now it states in the letter it's now a 5th degree felony plus a huge fine. With him on top of that he is on probation so if caught he would spend 7 years in prison..I remind him everytime when we talk that he should get this taking of. But I can only do so much as far as advice. :(  

   

I did stop the visitation for awhile back months ago because of his drug use and drinking.   

Since then he hasn't as far as I know has stopped useing.   

And ever since this has been going on our kids go on long visits and come back with a smart mouth.. I have one set of rules he has none. So it's like starting all over again everytime. My kids are starting question me about him and the way things are ?  

I honestly don't know what to say to a 4& 6 year old. I don't bad talk about him when they are around that is something I would never do.   

But at the same time I don't want to paint a pretty picture of him either so what I have been doing to is ..to let them see & figure it out themselves.  I'am so flustered most of the time ...I just don't know what else to do.   

   

   

I have been reading all the ordeals with toxic friendships and I decided to post my own message regarding mine in hopes of some advice.   

    

I have been seeing this man for over a year and we dated in high school some 30plus years ago.  When we first decided to date, he told me he had a girlfriend but he wasn't happy because she's loud, obnoxious and rude most of the time and was an embarrassment.   

    

He and I have a great relationship.  We have so much in common and really enjoy eachother's company.  The only wrong thing is this "friend" of his.  She won't let go.  As a matter of fact, her exact words were, "I don't care who he's with, I will always be a part of his life.  I'm never going away."  At first, I thought, "oh, ok."  But she wasn't kidding.  It's a classic example of she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to have anyone else.  

    

She calls him everyday at least once or twice.  She used to call him while we were out together.  (he finally got her to stop doing that.)  My problem is him, I think.  He made it very clear to me that he will not tell her to get lost.  He says he loves me and can't imagine his life without me in it but yet he continues to hold onto this woman.  I know there's nothing romantically happening on his part but I don't know what she's up to.  I don't like her and I don't trust her but believe me, I've tried everything.   

    

He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I don't understand his reasoning so where do I go from here????   

    

Frustrated in Ohio   

Farmerchik, 

  

The first step here is to acknowledge that you and he do not have a great relationship. If you did, there would be a lot more respect flowing from him to you in terms of dumping the "other woman." Make no mistake, she is the other woman regardless of whether he is doing anything physical with her. If nothing else, there's an unhealthy emotional relationship going on. 

  

You ask "Where do I go from here?" The answer is that you go forward either with him or alone. Those are the only options. If he refuses to get rid of her and it bothers you, then you need to get rid of him. If you don't want to get rid of him, you're going to have to live with his disrespect. 

Remember - you teach people how to treat you. You've taught him that it's ok for him to keep this woman in his life. If that's ok with you, so be it. Quit complaining. If it's not ok with you, you have to be willing to walk away from him. 

  

Best of luck. 

I HAVE THIS FRIEND THAT I'VE ONLY KNOWN FOR 6 MONTHS. WE'VE GONE TO MOVIES AND HAD LUNCHES & DINNERS TOGETHER. LATELY SHE HAS BEEN STAND OFFISH. SHE DOESN'T RETURN PHONE CALLS, IF WE TALK IT'S MOSTLY ME THAT CALLS, SHE DOESN'T REPLY TO E-MAILS. I DON'T WANT TO END THE FRIENDSHIP, BECAUSE I KNOW SHE'S GOING THROUGH A REAL STRESSFULL TIME HERSELF. DO I HAVE TOXIC FRIENDSHIP OR AM I MAKING ABIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING. WHAT DO I DO?

 Call up your friend and level with her in a kind way. I don't know what kind of stress she's under, but you can start out by saying that you miss the friendship although you understand she's stressed. Is there anything you can do? Listen carefully to her reply. If it sounds like she's grateful for the concern, I would give her the space she needs to get through whatever it is. Or she may take you up on your offer of help or advice. If you feel she's giving you a brush-off, ask her if she doesn't want to be friends anymore. But listen carefully to the replies, sometimes others don't know how to break things off and will drag it out. Or, they don't know how to ask for support in times of stress. For your part, being honest and up front will give them the opportunity to do the same. And you won't sit around wondering and assuming.

I'VE ALREADY TALKED TO HER ABOUT THE SITUATION , AND SHE TELLS ME THAT WE ARE STILL FRIENDS. I'VE ASKED IF I HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE HER MAD, AND SHE TELLS ME NO AND GETS DEFENSIVIVE TELLING ME  I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH BEING TO NEEDY. SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T LIKE HAVING TO RE-ASSURE ME AND THAT I SHOULD TRUST THAT SHE IS MY FRIEND.  I DON'T WANT TO BE AGRESSIVE OR PUSHY. SHE'S  A GOOD PERSON AND FUN TO HANG OUT WITH. I KNOW SHE'S HAD BAD RELATIONSHIPS IN THE PAST, AND I THINK BECAUSE I'M A GUY SHE DOESN'T REALLY TRUST ME YET. I'VE TOLD HER THAT I HAVE NO INTIMATE FEELINGS AND ONLY WANT TO BE HER FRIEND, BUT I DON'T THINK SHE REALLY BELIEVES ME. I ALSO KNOW SHE DOESN'T LIKE FOR PEOPLE TO "INVADE HER PERSONAL SPACE", AND I'VE MADE THE MISTAKE OF GIVING HER A FRIENDLY HUG EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, AND SHE HAS RE-AFFIRMED ME THAT SHE "DOESN'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED". HAVE I CROSSED A BOUNDRY WITH NO CHANCE OF RETURNING TO A NORMAL FRIENDSHIP? IS THERE HOPE THAT SHE'LL FULLY TRUST ME?

 All you can really do at this point is to give her her space. You may have hit the nail on the head when you said she may not trust that you don't have an ulterior motive because she's had bad relationships in the past. Let it rest for now, that may be exactly what she needs, and if  you give her that she will value you for it.

THANK YOU, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR OPINION. ALL I  NEEDED WAS AN UNBIASED POINT OF VEIW. I'M  VERY HOPEFUL NOW.