Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

A 26 year friendship and sometimes love affair recently ended. It was ending (friendship, we hadn't been sexually involved for a number of years) for quite some time already, and this spring petered out.

I still don't know if I am glad that's what happened or if I'm sorry that I never told her off, because I felt she deserved it a number of times!

first and foremost if any one tried to inject themselves between me and my partner, that would be it, I would make absolutly no bones about the fact that she is not welcome and that you do not wish to pursue a freindship with her.

As for other people supporting your decision, not a requirment that they support a descision in order for you to make one and take appropriate action. It is you that is being abused, and you recognize this and want to remove the offending party from your life.

Start by letting her know in no uncertain terms that you do not wish to continue with a freindship with her. If she asks why you can tell her because you are not comfortable with the way it is going, and have made a decision that it is best for you that you just end the friendship.

This is not petty at all, it is abusive, manipulative, selfish and inconsiderate behavior, that could become dangerous if not nipped in the bud quickly. this "freindship" is in reality an abusive relationship.

Have your boyfreind or a real trusted freind present when you tell this person that you no longer want a freindship with her, and want all contact to stop.

Even if it is done by phone try to have someone there. Personaly i would tell her the next time she called me on the phone, for the simple fact that I do nt know if she is willing to go so far as physical assult, but I don't think i really want to risk the possibility that she can and will.

If she continues to phone, text message, show up on your door step, document it, and call the police and let them know what the situation is.

It may be that you may have to go so far as to get a restraining order, depends on how far she is wiling to go with this.

As for the lies, keep documentation of all of the lies and who she said it too, who told you, keep all paper documentation of communications she sends. If it gets to a point were it is beyond ignoring, go see a lawyer or legal advocate and have it brought to court and have slander charges brought against her.

This may sound really harsh, but in reality this person is causing you pain adn trying to harm your relationship with your partner, other freinds, possibly family, and she may be willing to go even further and cause you more harm than she is already doing.

Hopefully you will not have to go to the extreems, and when you tell her firmly and in no uncertain terms that the "freindship" is over and you will not tolerate any inappropriate retaliation IE slandering, stalking via text message or telephone,  or email, and do not want any physical contact, she will drop you off her list, and you and your partner can focus on building a happy, healthy life together. Be clear, firm and unwavering. If in the event that she does continue to harras and stalk you get legal help, protect yourself and your rights

She is a malicious person and needs to be out of your life, today!

As for the other people that do not support a healthy decision to get her out of thier lives, tragic for them, I feel really bad for them.

Let me know how things go for you, wishing you and your partner all the very best!

hugs

Tammy

Good for you! you so did the right thing by not giving this individual an invitation to inject herself into your life! So happy for you.

Hugs

Tammy

Good for you hun! changing your phone number was a greeat idea!

I too hope she is gone for good!

Very happy that you have a plan and are sticking to it! Good for you!

HUGS

Tammy

This is interesting to me on a couple of levels.  We all have a right to extricate toxic people from our lives.  Yet, why is it that when one tries to extricate a toxic RELATIVE that other people cannot accept it?!?!  I guess that a bold decision like that challenges their own choices and makes them uncomfortable.  Still, I'd like to not feel like I have to explain and defend my decision at every turn.  It's tiresome.  With a couple of the more insistant ones I have had to tell them to respect my ability to make this decision or risk getting cut out, too.  I don't do that because I am happy to make the threat-- I have done it after I have tried to be discreet, tried not to bad-mough the person I cut out of my life, then tried to explain why it was a toxic relationship, and when all that is to no avail, I get to feeling disrespected and backed into a corner, so I draw that line in the sand.  I am making a concious effort to just be more matter-of-fact about it and if others try to talk me out of that, change the subject.  It was such a difficult decision to come to, that I don't like being second-guessed by well-meaning relatives and friends. 

Last week there was a show on Dr. Phil about prison moms.  They showed Angela, who was in the pen for the 2nd time and has 6 kids that others are taking care of.  One of the older children, Jasmine, did not want to go see her mother--had nothing to say to her and was not interested in hearing anything Angela had to say to her.  Jasmine KNEW that her mother is toxic for her, and yet she was encouraged by Dr. Phil to go visit her mother.  I think that was exploitative in that it was broadcast on national TV and nobody's faces were obscured. 

WOW! I just got through reading all of the previous posts (although I had to just skim some of Parisienne's; sorry sweetie) and I really want to say something about the nature of the concept of FRIENDSHIP. I think the term is used way to loosely in our society. Just because you meet someone and have an enjoyable conversation and a few things in common, doesn't mean that person is your friend! They are simply someone you know. That's the same latch-on mentality that makes some people think they have a "relationship" with someone if they have a decent first date. First of all, true friendship's don't hurt and they don't make you feel bad or uncomfortable. I saw a lot of posts that started with "we've known each other since college, high school, junior high, kindergarden, playpen, womb" as if the length of time you've known this person gives the relationship special weight. We all get the warm fuzzies when we hear about people who have been married for 50+ years but that doesn't necessarily mean they have all been good years. We have to relieve ourselves of the notion that, because we have known this "stranger with seniority" for a certain number of years that we have to keep knowing them even if the "friendship" is no longer productive to either party just so we can say "I've known my "best friend" for X-number of years". Friendships are earned. Friendships are mutual. Friendships are as flux as the people who are in them, and it's rare to find two people who evolve at exactly the same rate so that, 50 years down the line they can say honestly that they are still "friends".  I feel that some people tend to be too needy and invest way too much of themselves in another person way too quickly and, since nobody likes to lose their investment, tend to keep throwing more good emotional weight after bad. Heck, the divorce rate is something like 50%; doesn't it seem reasonable that the "friendivorce" rate would be at least that high? We are all looking for connections and we need to accept the fact that it is a natural part of human nature that people are going to come in and out of our lives and stop second-guessing and punishing ourselves when they do. To everyone out there that is asking themselves 'I wonder if I should cut this toxic person out of my life...' the answer, loudly and emphatically, is YES! (This answer should be obvious, but I guess that's why there are so many self-help books out there for recognizing and breaking out of a bad relationship.) If you have even the vaguest inkling that this "friendship" is no longer just that, please do yourself and everyone around you that REALLY cares about you (even if that's JUST YOU) a favor and stop the madness! Put your own emotional needs first. Anything less is self-abuse. Your feelings are valid; trust them. Peace and love to all!