Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

 

                         I would like some help with this problem that I have . Here goes I was married for 21 years and have 2 great kids , my wife ( ex) always had aproblem with her weight she always felt that I didnt really love her because of it in all the time we were married she would say i dont know how you could be attracted to me or make love to me because of it . I always told her that she was just fine and beautiful but she never believed me however if another man said so she was on top of the world any how she began to get really jealous if another woman would talk to me even if it was family it got to the point that she would check my underwear for semen stains I had to call when I got home , call when I got to where I was going and what time I would be home I couldnt carry any money on me because I was at strip clubs. At the begining of this year I found out that she had an affair 6 yrs ago. Also at the begining of this year I had met a co worker who i was just smitten with she was it . She however was going through a rough marriage also . I need a bigger piece of paper theres more.

                                              As I said that this woman at work was it.  I have always been faithful to my wife but after finding out about the affair and that she wasnt safe while having sex that was the deal breaker. The woman at work and I were just friends at first then one day we kissed it was mutual I felt very guilty she also had children and I didnt want to break up her home but she had said that it was over between her and her husband he would stalk her spy on her etc. One day after work she went home and later I got a call from her husband as he beat her with her 18 yr old son present she begged me to not call or talk to her anymore then the line went dead . My wife then called and asked if I enjoyed my phone call and said that she had met her husband and had given him cards and letters that her and I wrote to each other one was a little x-rated but she let our 17 yr old daughter read it . She then said she was leaving and taking our kids with her now I was at work and at a full grown panic I told my supervisor that I had an emergency and left when I got home we started yelling at each other and she said that my friend deserved what she got  during the argument the police arrived I had called 911 for my friend but the neighbors had also called

                                             The one set of officers arrested me for domestic violence I asked about my friend they said they were in route to that as well . My friend had always told me that he would shoot her or her and himself , at the jail I asked again about my friend I was told that it had been a suicide I passed out and woke up with an 911 crew around me I told them I was ok  Iwas booked and taken to my cell where I sat for 4 days I didnt eat or drink I was devastated . I was released where I have a yr of classes and probation for the charge of Domestic Violence .  I later learned my friend had tried to OD to escape him but was ok I thought that I could put this all to rest we tried to make a go of our marriage I quit where I worked with my friend and told her goodbye in front of my wife and I thought that I had died when I did 3 days later I called her on her cell phone and told her that I missed her so much. Her husband had moved out by bthe way this was husband number 3 I didnt care . I never in my life fell so hard for anyone like that  we couldnt stand to be apart my hooked up with her old flame and told me that he was a gentleman and a good catholic forget that this is the man who wont wear a condom and has sex with a married woman while

                     while being married himself. She even went into detail about his penis , by this time I could have cared less. My friend became my girlfriend I had never been so happy , the sex was something I read about in books but for us it was mind boogling she and I ere in love my kids liked her her kids except for her son loved me and had said that if I wanted to marry their mom it was fine by them her mom and dad loved me . Now for the ending since september she has grown distant she says that she has issues that she has to deal with she wont say what they are it got to the point where I have asked her and told her she would be better alone until she figures it out She was married 3 times twice to abusive men and one who didnt care about her . I guess what im trying to ask is why the sudden cold shoulder , her kids ask for me and about me all the time why is she taking that away . I again have asked her has this year been a waste 4 us and do you want me out of your life and she wont say period. Everyone has weighed in on this her friends say she is scarred , others say she is using me  so do her co workers but the one I need the answer from  wont give it .

                            I have told her that i would love her and our kids till my last breath and still she wont say but if I tell her goodbye and dont talk to her she will call until I respond . I 'm fine until I see  her or answer the phone then my resolve crumbles then I back to sqaure 1 again . I love this woman like none other and it scares the s*** out of me . If I see her I honestly look like someone on drugs I feel that without her I wont be able to breath again and in the begining until september it was the same for her . Please somebody out here help talk to me I dont know how much more I can take and I dont know what to do . Now my wife wants to talk and get back together again I miss my kids and feel I cant breath without them and yes I miss my wife but I miss my girlfriend like an addict misses heroine anyway I dont know if this is toxic or should I wait for her or should I go back home. Help please!!!!!!!!!!!

my girlfriend of six months has a friend that is  in my feeling toxic to our relationship.  I have been dating a girl for 6 months and she is a very beautiful person. I am 44 we are just great together. She is 46.  I have problem with her friend i am very disturbed by what i hear and see with what goes on between them. her friend and her always want to go to bars and drink( when they get together) . and her friend always ask her to hang out in bars with her and it is only a couple of drinks that is what i always hear. But I think it is more like misery enjoys company thing.  Her friend once brought  a bottle with her to make sure my girlfriend had something to drink when they got together. My girlfriend is really a very kind person. But the discussions they have are  a little to much revealing about our own personal relationship. especially moments of intimacy. I also know that her friend takes her out to club and never asks me. Yes alcohol has surrounded my girlfriend through family friends and past marriages and relationships. the fact that her friend never wants me to come and their time out bothers me and I understand about having self time but  the issue of going to clubs that are always just meat markets.  this disturbs me and the fact that they drive DUI home bothers me. My girlfriend wants to make herself better but this friend is as toxic to her  and our relationship as the alcohol.  looking for advice I really love the the person that is not in the bad stuff. 

My once was best friend and I had been friends for about 21 or 22 yrs. We had been inseperable since we

were six months old when our mothers met. We had been there for each other through a lot. Her father was an alcholic and her mother had some health issues. I was always there for her no matter what. My problems was minor compared to hers. Just ur regular teenage stuff of not geting along with parents and stuff.  I think things started to change for us when she graduated eighth grade (me just a year behind.)  Her, her mom, and brother moved to another town close by. It got harder for us to see each other.

 

Then in 2003 I started college four hrs away and her mom unexpectedly passed away. My friend being only 19 at the time. Thats when I really noticed things beginning to change between us. In the spring of  04 she met the guy who is now her husband and I didn't really exist anymore. She has always been a person who could only have one friend at a time. Now that her husband came along I was out of the picture unless she needed something or I called just to talk, untill she hooked me up with one of her husbands friends that next year. Then it was always the four of us for two months untill me and my ex split up. It ended semi badly and she took his side. Both him and me had our faults, but in my opinion I think she butted in when she should have stayed out of it, and a few other things to boot. I just don't think we had anything in common. He was moving way to fast for me and we just wanted different things. My friend and I got into a huge fight some things were said and some being the truth and her not wanting to deal with. Later that winter her father also passed away, we talked things through and tried to patch things up, but our relationship isn't the same anymore. I was in her wedding and came to the hospital when her son was born this past September. Its been almost four months since I have talked to her. I have actually become good friends with a couple of girls who we were both friends with, but they agree with me about some issues that my friend has, which I'm not going to get into detail with because it would make this a lot longer.

 

The reason I haven't contacted her in four months is because we have to much history with each other and it has just become to awkward for me. In my opinion and I'm not sure how she feels, but I think she just wants to forget the past and all that has happened and not deal with it and forget. The other two girls and I think she needs to get help in dealing with the loss of her parents and dealing with her father being an alcholic and mentally abusive. Its seems to me that she only wants to have friends that are couples because in her opinion we don't have anything in common anymore, because im not married or even in a relationship..I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just holding on to the past and the memmories and all the good times we had.

    Me and my friend/sister have been friends/family for 23 years.When I was a kid I didn't have to good of a family,but my friends family was there for me and her.23 years later and my friend/sister and her mom/mom are addicted to drugs and they don't care who they hurt.It seem's like because I'm not real family they will hurt me and not the family.I just keep thinking they will go back to the way they were,when I was  a kid and I do thank them for being there for me when I was a kid and of course I DO love them both,but I can't take this all the time.I have heart problems and they tell me I need to stay away from my real mom cuz of the stress.Yes,there is stress with my real mom,but there is stress with them too.It just don't make since to me.Her mom/mom got mad at me over a week ago caz I wouldn't do what she wanted me to do so she got mad at me and I've not heard a word from her since then,not even on my Birthday.Friend/sister didn't call either.When mom is mad about something I DON'T  ear from either of them till they are ready to come back around me and act like ever thing is fine,but always now it goes bad cuz when I TELL them NO or I don't have any money for you to borrow they get mad,but its a list of thigs I'm sure you know how it feels with your old friend.Thanks for letting me get some steam off (lol)

Hello all... I'm a 35-year old single parent who was recently dumped by my long-term, live in boyfriend.  We'd been together on and off for three years. For the last nine months, we'd entered couples counseling and decided we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.

 

Or at least that's what I thought..

 

My former boyfriend abruptly moved out three weeks ago with no clear explaination.  He said he needed space to figure out what he wanted; however, he knew he wanted to be with me and didn't want to break up. (yea, that confused me too).  Despite the distance (he moved to another city two hours away) I kept an open mind for about a week. His words didn't mesh with his actions and being particularly hyper sensitive to the demise of our seemingly good relationship, I demanded to know what was really going on.

 

He finally admitted that he wanted a relationship that was about him and his needs only. He didn't want to be pressured with having to care or feel responsible for the feelings of another person. I was devastated. I still didn't understand and proceeded to enter an emotional roller coaster that has taken me to my absolute lowest point. 

 

I did all the typicall "dumpee" behavior: (1) insisted I was fine with the situation and applauded him for his courage to be honest and walk away; (2) cried to his parents in hopes of having them take my side and make him change his mind; (3) seek the support of close friends who all have a different opinion about the situation and for every opionion expressed, I reacted in kind to my ex-boyfriend; (4) in anger, I said some horrible hurtful things to my ex in hopes of making him feel a little of the pain I was in; (5) I purged my soul to him in hopes of getting him to sympathize with emotional struggles I've endured for most of my life; and last but definitely not least, I begged forgiveness.

 

Obviously, I'm humilated by my actions and feel I've lost all self-respect and dignity. He's refusing to even acknowledge my messages.  I'm desparate for some happiness.  It's not so simple to seek solace in my daughter.  Something else eludes me and this sudden break up has shook me to my core.  I know I need to put the pieces back together, but I haven't an idea how to go about doing that.

 

 

You might feel as though you’ve lost all of your self respect and dignity, but believe me, it really is still in you!!
Your pain is understandable; you’ve been tricked by a man that you thought loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. I can’t imagine how devastating it was to hear him say that he didn’t want that after all, and to have him just up and leave without discussion.
Is there another woman involved?
You said this:
“I’m desperate for some happiness.” You need and deserve that happiness, but trust me when I tell you that this man is not your happiness. This man will not fulfill your need for happiness, in fact, no other person will do that for you. The one and only person who has the power to bring you happiness is YOU. What you are doing right now isn’t working for you. I urge you to continue therapy on your own, if you aren’t already doing that. Having an unbiased professional that you can confide in can be so helpful! This professional can also help to guide you towards what steps to take in order to get some happiness and stability for you. You have to make an important decision; are you going to wait around for him to come back to you, or, are you going to move on with your life, live your life to the fullest? Allow yourself to have some new experiences in life. Get out of your comfort zone. Keeping your heart attached to this man is the result of you desperately trying to remain in your safe, content, comfort zone. Your comfort zone must change at this time in your life.
The best advice for you to follow is this: be your own best friend. Treat yourself with kindness, respect and dignity. Be gentle. Forgive yourself for the things you’ve done/said that you regret; those things do not define you as a person. I wish you the best!