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Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:20:14 am
Author : dataimport
It can be hard to extricate yourself from a friendship gone bad. Share your stories and strategies for handling this sticky situation.

 
teendav8
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January 28, 2008, 12:28 pm PST

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: jaimie1974

You might feel as though youve lost all of your self respect and dignity, but believe me, it really is still in you!!
Your pain is understandable; youve been tricked by a man that you thought loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. I cant imagine how devastating it was to hear him say that he didnt want that after all, and to have him just up and leave without discussion.
Is there another woman involved?
You said this:
Im desperate for some happiness. You need and deserve that happiness, but trust me when I tell you that this man is not your happiness. This man will not fulfill your need for happiness, in fact, no other person will do that for you. The one and only person who has the power to bring you happiness is YOU. What you are doing right now isnt working for you. I urge you to continue therapy on your own, if you arent already doing that. Having an unbiased professional that you can confide in can be so helpful! This professional can also help to guide you towards what steps to take in order to get some happiness and stability for you. You have to make an important decision; are you going to wait around for him to come back to you, or, are you going to move on with your life, live your life to the fullest? Allow yourself to have some new experiences in life. Get out of your comfort zone. Keeping your heart attached to this man is the result of you desperately trying to remain in your safe, content, comfort zone. Your comfort zone must change at this time in your life.
The best advice for you to follow is this: be your own best friend. Treat yourself with kindness, respect and dignity. Be gentle. Forgive yourself for the things youve done/said that you regret; those things do not define you as a person. I wish you the best!

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.  You hit the nail right on the head in that I need to be my own best friend.  Only l can make myself happy and I need to learn to love myself again so that I can have the happiness I so desparately deserve. 

 

I plan to return to therapy. I need to come to terms with (1) having my life and future literally hijacked by this man. It would be one thing if we'd discussed as a couple his feelings and decide together what would be best for us. He just up and left and I was forced to accept it; (2) how I'd become so lost.  I need to find a way to recapture myself so that I can get my life back in order. I never forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made in my life.  I feel like I am a miserable person who'll never been good enough.  I know I need help because I can't go any further in life with this mentality.

 

Thanks for your best wishes.  I'm going to need them!

 
 
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katiesado
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February 14, 2008, 1:59 pm PST

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: teendav8

Hello all... I'm a 35-year old single parent who was recently dumped by my long-term, live in boyfriend.  We'd been together on and off for three years. For the last nine months, we'd entered couples counseling and decided we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.

 

Or at least that's what I thought..

 

My former boyfriend abruptly moved out three weeks ago with no clear explaination.  He said he needed space to figure out what he wanted; however, he knew he wanted to be with me and didn't want to break up. (yea, that confused me too).  Despite the distance (he moved to another city two hours away) I kept an open mind for about a week. His words didn't mesh with his actions and being particularly hyper sensitive to the demise of our seemingly good relationship, I demanded to know what was really going on.

 

He finally admitted that he wanted a relationship that was about him and his needs only. He didn't want to be pressured with having to care or feel responsible for the feelings of another person. I was devastated. I still didn't understand and proceeded to enter an emotional roller coaster that has taken me to my absolute lowest point. 

 

I did all the typicall "dumpee" behavior: (1) insisted I was fine with the situation and applauded him for his courage to be honest and walk away; (2) cried to his parents in hopes of having them take my side and make him change his mind; (3) seek the support of close friends who all have a different opinion about the situation and for every opionion expressed, I reacted in kind to my ex-boyfriend; (4) in anger, I said some horrible hurtful things to my ex in hopes of making him feel a little of the pain I was in; (5) I purged my soul to him in hopes of getting him to sympathize with emotional struggles I've endured for most of my life; and last but definitely not least, I begged forgiveness.

 

Obviously, I'm humilated by my actions and feel I've lost all self-respect and dignity. He's refusing to even acknowledge my messages.  I'm desparate for some happiness.  It's not so simple to seek solace in my daughter.  Something else eludes me and this sudden break up has shook me to my core.  I know I need to put the pieces back together, but I haven't an idea how to go about doing that.

 

 

I really related to what you wrote, especially your typical "dumpee behavior". I had a dear guy friend who I was secretly waiting for more from and when he pulled away from me I did alot of what you did. I ended up feeling humiliated and embarrassed by my actions. I meant well-- I thought I could make him understand so I kept trying to explain myself and it just made me look needy and pathetic. I cut off contact with him completely and it's been about 5 weeks since we spoke and I now realize that taking your own space is the only way to heal. As soon as you get that gut feeling that he's leaving you, you should protect yourself. And that doesn't mean freaking out and trying to discuss it to death. It just means talk to your girlfriends about the situation or journal about it so you can see how you really feel and what you want before you try to have a conversation. The more in touch you are with yourself the less you'll be affected by what he's doing or not doing. In that 5 weeks that I stopped speaking to him and have thought more about what I want and doing things I enjoy doing I haven't thought about him much at all. And when I have there aren't anymore pangs or hurt feelings or embarrasment. My advice is to not message him again, ever. Stay busy with other things and just say to yourself "this too shall pass".
 
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hello_beauty
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February 22, 2008, 8:16 pm PST

good friendship gone very sour i had this friend we were best friends and got along really great we were inseparable. just recently like 4 months ago i decided to stop talking to her completely. it wasnt an all of a sudden cut off it was gradual. im not p
 
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hello_beauty
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February 23, 2008, 1:12 pm PST

Ending Toxic Friendships
 
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hello_beauty
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February 23, 2008, 1:20 pm PST

had a friend that turned out to b selfish and got into too much drama. i stopped talking to her and four
 
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hello_beauty
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February 23, 2008, 1:28 pm PST

had a friend that turned out to b selfish and got into too much drama. i stopped talking to her and 4 months later she decided to tell people what ive said about them out of being upset when she would talk about those same people. now a lot of people dont
 
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hello_beauty
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February 23, 2008, 3:03 pm PST

a friendship gone terribly sour

hey everybody.  i had this friend, considered her my best friend/sister. we were inseparable. if you saw her u saw me and vice versa. one day i met this guy started dating him she never liked him from day one. that put a strain on our relationship over the years cause she felt like i was picking him over her. i felt like she tried to make me choose and i cant choose between two people i care about. so one day i had to transfer to a school closer to my home so we didnt see each other as much. gradually we stopped talking to each other. im not sayin its all her fault, but she met these girls and all she wanted to do was party and she got into some serious things i didnt wanna be around. prior to me she had a best friend that started dating this guy and they eventually grew apart. i know of the girl and i dont think she just sat around one day and said im not gonna talk to her any more.  so once i got a boyfriend she thought i was gonna do the same. anyway eventually we stopped talking. i didnt have any friends other than my boyfriend so that was the only other person i could hang out with. eventually i went off to college. while in college i reconnected wit her cause i missed her.  she ended up being this completely different person than i remebered. she changed for the bad in my opinion. so i came back home eventually and we started hangin out and get reaquainted.  she had a baby by this guy she is currently with. i didnt like him at first but he turned out to be a nice person. let me skip ahead.  eventually the relationship between me and her i felt like became strained. she always had drama going and i felt uncomfortable. i so happened me and my boyfriend of five years broke up which i know she was happy about. she is a very hateful and vengeful person. so four months ago i stopped talking to her. i told her i felt as though she ignored my needs in our friendship and when she was around this one girl she would try to act tough and not really talk to me. she thought that i was all about my ex boyfirend but i saw my ex best friend every single day right after work or basically right when i would wake up in the morning. i would be at her hous for hours on end and would hardly see my family and i live with them.  i didnt tell her any other things because she is the type of person that takes offense to everything and you cant tell her anything. some things that bothered me was her constant complaining and negative attitude and whenever i had something good in my life happen she would belittle it or change the subject so everything is about her. the relationship ended uo being one sided. she would ask me for money to help with her son and i would cause thats my friend. there are so many things that i did for her and not once has she ever payed me back not that i was looking for repayment its just the principle. i also didnt like to be made to feel guilty because i didnt want to watch her son and buy him things. i dont have any children and i felt like she tried to guilt me into being involved with her son. i also felt like i couldnt talk to her about anything without things turning into a joke or her telling everybody my business. not only that, i knew her family but she didnt know mine. she could depend on me but i couldnt depend on her. she would never come over my house to visit or call me up to see how i was doing. i felt smothered and felt like she was trying to control me. she is very selfish. the only time she would come over was to get money from me. i was going to work it out with her until her boyfriend told me everytime i left from their house she would talk about me really bad to other people. after some things had happened prior i felt like i couldnt trust her and i knew she would use things against me if things wouldnt go her way. its been four months since i have talked or seen her. 

 

just a few days ago she ended up calling my ex boyfriends friend and told him all the things i said about him after we broke up cause i was angry. to make matters worse she told everyone else the things i said about them as well because i was mad at him trying to basically hurt him like he did me. the funny part is the things that i have said were me just joking. some things i do admit were not and i took responsibility for my actions. my biggest problem is due to my anger and not being in control of my emotions i got enraged and made the impulsive decision of wanting to get my ex beat up. i even showed my ex best friends boyfriend and his friend where he lived. once i did that i felt so terrible. that was completely out of my character. they asked if i wanted to go thru with it another time and i said no it was just flat out wrong. i would never want any harm to come to anyone. im not playing the blame game but she has done some very terrible things, some things that can be considered worse than i did and all the people surrounding her have even my ex boyfriend. after all of this came to light she and her  friend wants to fight me. i feel terrrible that i allowed myself to get as angry as i did and even take it to that degree and on top of that made someone i cared about deeply not be able to trust me and made him feel like he was in danger.  he called a couple of nights ago and asked if it was true and i have never lied to him. its easy to be a coward, its hard to admit wrongs. so i told him the truth. i am very sorry and it was a huge mistake and something serious. what makes me upset is this happened a year ago, which doesnt make it even better, but i felt like she went out of her way to get even cause i dont wanna be her friend anymore. i told her the main reasons y but she just couldnt accept it. i guess its kinda like how i reacted when i got angry with my ex. now nobody likes me and she didnt tell the stories completely. she added some lies and not only that the people that are around her and are siding with her she talks about terribly. i am very sorry i let my anger get the best of me like that and wish i could take it back. i know i cant change the past even though a few people involved forgave me. to make matters worse his parents see me as a whole different person and it is killing me. his mother even said it was out of my character and now everyone i feel like is looking at me like im the crazy girl that cant take rejection. i guess my anger got out of control due to my ex having hurt me so many times over the past five years. how do i get past this and show people that im not that terrible monster they think i am cause i allowed my self to get overly and irresponsibly angry? im not perfect im only human and its not an excuse but i am responsible enough to acknowledge and take repsonsibilty for my actions. 
 
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March 1, 2008, 2:11 am PST

Is my girlfriend's friend trying to seduce me?

I think my girlfriend's best friend Annie, who is single BTW is trying to seduce me. Shes done many things to make me think this. What do you think? Heres just a few things shes done in the last few months:

- Annie comes over and all day long shes laying out by the pool with us wearing a robe. Then when my girlfriend leaves to go get some stuff at the store, and its just me and her... she stands up right in front of me and removes her robe revealing her body in a bikini. When she hears the car pull up, she put the robe back on.

- Annie's taking a shower at our house and my girlfriend is upstairs. I'm in the other room reading and I hear Annie calling my name. I go and knock on the door. I thought she would just open it to show me her head, but she opened almost the entire door showing me her entire body. She said she needed a towel. I got her one and then she said in an all sexy voice "thanks!"

- Me, my girlfriend and Annie got ice cream cones at a yogurt place and then when my girlfriend goes to the bathroom, Annie starts provactively and seductively devauring the ice cream cone, licking it faster and faster and shes moving her legs in and out as shes doing it. When my girlfriend came back, she immediately stops.

- Me, my girlfriend, and Annie go to the beach: My girlfriend gets a call from work saying she needs to come in. Annie and I stay at the beach. Immediately when my girlfriend leaves, Annie gets right in front in me to take off her pants and shirt revealing her body in a bikini. Then she tells me to spread out my legs and practically sits in my lap. About 5 minutes later, shes moving all around in my lap.

- Same day at the beach: Annie goes to the bathroom and I wait for her. Then she comes out and says she "needs help undoing her zipper." I undo it for her and it comes down with no problem at all. So, I don't believe she had a problem with it. Then she said in her sexy voice "thanks."

- Annie is spinning the night at our house. She comes into mine and my girlfriend's room. My girlfriend's sound asleep. Annie asks if she can borrow PJ's because she forgot hers. I say sure. Then, she proceeds to UNDRESS in front of me and put on the PJ's in front of me. Then she says in a deep voice "goodnight, sleep tight."

So... do you think she is just real body body or is trying to start something with me? One of the reasons I haven't told my girlfriend is because she and her are really close. They have been best friends since high school and it would break her heart. Do you think I'm right? What should I do?
 
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llyr8007
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March 1, 2008, 3:41 pm PST

Re: Is my girlfriend's friend trying to seduce me?

Quote From: jackbrady

I think my girlfriend's best friend Annie, who is single BTW is trying to seduce me. Shes done many things to make me think this. What do you think? Heres just a few things shes done in the last few months:

- Annie comes over and all day long shes laying out by the pool with us wearing a robe. Then when my girlfriend leaves to go get some stuff at the store, and its just me and her... she stands up right in front of me and removes her robe revealing her body in a bikini. When she hears the car pull up, she put the robe back on.

- Annie's taking a shower at our house and my girlfriend is upstairs. I'm in the other room reading and I hear Annie calling my name. I go and knock on the door. I thought she would just open it to show me her head, but she opened almost the entire door showing me her entire body. She said she needed a towel. I got her one and then she said in an all sexy voice "thanks!"

- Me, my girlfriend and Annie got ice cream cones at a yogurt place and then when my girlfriend goes to the bathroom, Annie starts provactively and seductively devauring the ice cream cone, licking it faster and faster and shes moving her legs in and out as shes doing it. When my girlfriend came back, she immediately stops.

- Me, my girlfriend, and Annie go to the beach: My girlfriend gets a call from work saying she needs to come in. Annie and I stay at the beach. Immediately when my girlfriend leaves, Annie gets right in front in me to take off her pants and shirt revealing her body in a bikini. Then she tells me to spread out my legs and practically sits in my lap. About 5 minutes later, shes moving all around in my lap.

- Same day at the beach: Annie goes to the bathroom and I wait for her. Then she comes out and says she "needs help undoing her zipper." I undo it for her and it comes down with no problem at all. So, I don't believe she had a problem with it. Then she said in her sexy voice "thanks."

- Annie is spinning the night at our house. She comes into mine and my girlfriend's room. My girlfriend's sound asleep. Annie asks if she can borrow PJ's because she forgot hers. I say sure. Then, she proceeds to UNDRESS in front of me and put on the PJ's in front of me. Then she says in a deep voice "goodnight, sleep tight."

So... do you think she is just real body body or is trying to start something with me? One of the reasons I haven't told my girlfriend is because she and her are really close. They have been best friends since high school and it would break her heart. Do you think I'm right? What should I do?

Hello,

 

OK... so... your girlfriend's friend undresses in front of you, behaves provactively, and you ask the readers of this message board, "Is she trying to seduce me?" 

 

Umm... excuse me... but are you extremely thick in the head or what???

 

What the hell do you think she is trying to do--- invite you to tea???

 

With that being said... the biggest question I have FOR YOU... is why are you encouraging her behavior? 

 

Why are you allowing her to sit on your lap, etc?? 

 

Why haven't you said anything-- along the lines of "Hey, look... you're a nice girl, but I am not interested in you." ??

 

IMHO... it seems to me you are enjoying her behavior,  which means you are just as big a sleaze ball as she is!!

 

I say this because she is flirting with you behind her friend's back and YOU are flirting with her behind your girlfriend's back!!

 

So my advice to you is this:

 

If you really, truly care anything at all for your girlfriend, then you need to tell this friend of hers to stop the crap!!! 

 

You also need to stop having her sit on your lap, you need to stop unzipping her zippers, giving her towels while she is in the shower, etc.

 

It's really that simple... OK?

 

Cricket
 
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jackbrady
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March 1, 2008, 5:27 pm PST

Your right

Quote From: llyr8007

Hello,

 

OK... so... your girlfriend's friend undresses in front of you, behaves provactively, and you ask the readers of this message board, "Is she trying to seduce me?" 

 

Umm... excuse me... but are you extremely thick in the head or what???

 

What the hell do you think she is trying to do--- invite you to tea???

 

With that being said... the biggest question I have FOR YOU... is why are you encouraging her behavior? 

 

Why are you allowing her to sit on your lap, etc?? 

 

Why haven't you said anything-- along the lines of "Hey, look... you're a nice girl, but I am not interested in you." ??

 

IMHO... it seems to me you are enjoying her behavior,  which means you are just as big a sleaze ball as she is!!

 

I say this because she is flirting with you behind her friend's back and YOU are flirting with her behind your girlfriend's back!!

 

So my advice to you is this:

 

If you really, truly care anything at all for your girlfriend, then you need to tell this friend of hers to stop the crap!!! 

 

You also need to stop having her sit on your lap, you need to stop unzipping her zippers, giving her towels while she is in the shower, etc.

 

It's really that simple... OK?

 

Cricket

I don't believe I have been encouraging her behavior. Excellent advice! The reason I haven't said anything is because I don't want something bad to come between her and my girlfriend, who have been best friends since high school.
 
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