Quote From: katiekaboom This one is really long... Sorry....
My husband (Burt) has been friends with this couple (Tom and Betty) for 10 years. He has been married to me for 3 years. He is a very wonderful, sweet, loving, caring, kind man. Tom is cool, I like Tom. Betty seemed sweet, and funny. We did things as couples often. We share similar interests and we are all close to the same age. Tom and Burt work for the same company and see each other every day. I would say that Tom is my husband's best friend. About two years ago Tom and Betty started having some personal problems, medical and financial issues that really rocked their lives. Betty started chatting online and texting my husband, confiding in him some of the issues that their family was having. At first I had no problems with this, after all they were friends long before I was in the picture, and I thought if Tom had no issue with it there was not any reason to worry. Beyond that I fully, 100% trust my husband. He tells me everything.
We made plans with them for an upcoming event.
AND THEN It wasn't long before I started to notice that it seemed like every night she was initiating conversation with him online. He commented to me that he had to tell her to stop sending him so many text messages while at work because he could not get anything done. She backed off, for a little while. Then, she started back, she wanted Burt to meet her somewhere so they could talk, she wanted to talk to him about Tom. I said RED FLAG. Then she sent him an inappropriate message online. I was furious.
Burt wasn't sure if we should tell Tom, so we did not tell him. A week went by of him ignoring her messages, and she continued to send things to him. Then she sent him an apology. She said that her and Tom had talked and were going to work things out, and that she was sorry for crossing the boundaries of her friendship with him. That Tom did not know how much she had been talking to Burt, nor the nature of their conversations. Her and Tom were going to take a vacation together and work on things. He told her he was glad that they had worked things out. Everyday for five days after that she blew his phone up with messages. So he sent her a message saying that he was done, boundaries had been crossed, and he felt that it was disrespectful to his wife and his best friend to continue to talk to her via text or IM. She responded that she would not join us on the event that we had planned, she would see if Tom could bring someone else... for three weeks leading up to the event she did not contact my husband.
The day before the event, Tom called and said that he was very sick and not able to go with us. We told him that we would buy back their tickets and sell them to someone else. He informed us that Betty had decided that she wanted to come without him. WOW, this lady has a pair... Because Tom did not know the situation he did not understand when we said that we would not allow that, after all they were our tickets to begin with. Betty threw a fit and her and Tom came to the event with Tom sick. I had to be nice to her, all day, at this out of town event, they rode with us, because I like Tom, I don't think he deserves this. He has no idea that she did has done this. So after the event, she started sending my husband text messages AGAIN. Things like "Miss talking to you" And here is the best part, She thinks for what ever reason, that I don't know about all of it. I guess because Tom doesn't know. If Tom and Burt are on the phone she tries to get Tom to hang up, and it is almost like she doesn't want them to even be friends anymore. She keeps making comments to me about how they were friends with Burt before he ever knew me. What does that mean? Burt said Betty never came on to him before. I feel like she sized me up and decided that I was not competition for her, so she thought she could steal Burt away.
So, We are toxic friends to Tom because we are not being honest with him. I don't know what to do to make her stop. I don't think Tom can handle anymore stress, he is on meds right now for all kinds of things, he has been through so much already. Then there is the selfish aspect, it could ruin the friendship between Burt and Tom, and they have to work together every day. Then there is me, I have
no question that my husband has been honest with me about this whole situation, he has shown me messages back and forth, he has involved me in this whole process, asked my advice. Honestly if it weren't for Tom and how much concern we have for him, this would be a no brainer, but I feel so torn. What can I do, What can we do to make her stop? She doesn't understand the word STOP, ignoring her isn't working... I am at the end of my rope.
wow! You are in a really tough situation. I'm sorry. The good news is you have a strong marriage, for which you should be quite proud. The fact that you and your husband have such an open level of communication and trust speaks very well of you. Try focusing on that. There is no doubt, from what you have written, that Betty needs to be out of your lives, at least for awhile. The awkwardness with your husbands working together certainly makes that a challenge. She has completely broken the bounds of trust, which was her choice not yours. Do not feel guilty for what she has done. Remember, just because your husband knew these people first, does not mean he should be more loyal to them than you. Marriage is a much higher priority relationship than friendship (at least it should be). If you are unable to physically extricate yourself from this relationship, then you can still do it emotionally. You know you cannot trust this woman, so keep her at arm's length. Part of the problem is that your husband is really the one who needs to take care of this, not you. These are his friends and he is the one being hit on. The best you can do is be a supportive, loving wife, keep distance from Betty and try to take the high road. (Not easy, I know!!) I will be praying for you.
