Topic : 01/01 Mama Drama

Doctor Drama Mama Phil.  Well Well Well here we go again same thing as the last time last year. See you-

on Tuesday 01st, 2008.  Happy New Year Doctor Phil! Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.----------------------

Mothers are NOT all good, nurturing women.  There are many, however who are loving, supportive, caring, still, they are spat on by their children.  I have lost a daughter to extreme, undesrved hate...her last words to me...GET CANCER AND DIE!  Nice!  She was brought up well...I was a stay at home Mom to her, and to her younger sister and brother.  Literally, my children were my life...until she met this seemingly nice young man, accepted into the family by all.  My husband and I made an engagement party, the wedding, paid their first year's rent on their apartment so they'd get a good start.  Sadly, my two younger ones revealed that he had been sexually abusing them all during the dating phase.  My son was 10 when he told, my daughter 12.  The older one, at the time, was 26...and a teacher...When I told her...and they tried, we were written off and have been for 7 years.  I learned that I have 2 grandchildren...makes you feel really good about him around two little girls, ages 4 and 2...My son was 4 when it all began, so I don't sleep very well.  Throughout the 7 year period, I have made multiple attempts to reach her...the phone messages go unanswered, the letters ignored.  I thought that we were so close, nothing could break us.

The grief of knowing what happened to my children was devastating, add that to the loss of a daughter, and then grandchildren.  My husband fell into a three year depression, and my main thrust was to heal my younger ones...my therapist was on speed dial.

Our society puts more reverence on marriage than it gives to a mother.  Given the divorce rate, plus the number of unhappy marriages, it's a joke.  You have one mother...you can curse her off and leave, she HAS no recourse...not even a court will mandate mediation.  Try to get a divorce, and the rights of all become sacrosacnt.  A mother...well, I guess we are disposable.

Our wonderful Court System...when they became engaged, I provided the stone, to be as a family heirloom, as to remain in my family, passed on to future generations as a memory.  Can I get it back?   NO!...Too many loopholes, yet I will never mean a thing to these children...they don't know me.  I would prefer it be passed on somewhere down the road to a grandchild who has known and loved me, but what rights do I have...I'm only a  MOTHER.

At 53, I remember that you were brought up to believe your mother to be one step benieth God, and your father made sure you knew it.  Sure, there were differences, but there was RESPECT...Today, it's almost chic to not speak to your mother.  I'm holding tight with hopes for the other two...one now is 17, the other 19...so far, so good...but it was that way with her at those ages..Really makes a woman glad she gave so much of her self to be tossed aside like garbage.  Even in divorce, the couples must settle their issues before it is final.  You can just walk out on the woman who gave you life, herself, and answer to no one. Society does not respect the role, the sacrifices of a mother...it's all coming to the kids, and WE are the first one to be blamed...maybe the spelling should be changed ... MARTYER....If I sound bitter, it's because I am.

One lady has posted that she wishes she had her mother today, but the lady had passed away 14 years ago...the post concluded with "I love you Mom".  Too bad it wasn't said when she was alive to feel the joy it would have brought.

Hi Dr. Phil

Happy New Year

This daughter (Tracy) should forget what happened and forgive her Mother.  I mean you only have one mother  and sure I had my arguements with my mother  but I still loved her  and  ( your guest Tracy should be glad that she still has a mother, I mean my mother passed away years ago and I still miss her to this day .

hope Dr. Phil you can solve this

see you on Tuesday Jan 1  Happy New Year

H Wilson

After 10 years of theropy and a lot of selfesteem work, I can now deal with having a relationship with my mother. The only reason I work at this is, I dearly love my Dad and refuse to let her keep me away from him. I keep my distance, emotionally, while giving her the respect the wife of my father deserves. If I let my guard down, she will attack. I want to believe that she is not really evil but, for some reason has been not able to be a loving mother or even supportive of me for most of my life.

My sister believes that she is jealous of my having a career and being financially independant. She has said on several occassions that she wishes that she had never had children. Well she had 6 and we were all very talented and bright. If one of us had won the Nobel Prize, she would still have something negative to say.

She is 80 now and I just wish she could stop being so negative and get some enjoyment out of life. Also, she makes my Dad miserable. All he wants is to make her happy but, that is impossible. She has something negative to say about everybody, even her grandchildren, who she gives the most love to.

I guess all you can do is your best. I will never know what a mother's love feels like but, I do thank God for my father. I've never doubted his love and that is what has kept me sane. We deal with what we get and no family is perfect.

I've surrounded myself with wonderful women friends who take the place of a mother. If you don't have a perfect family, develop a support circle to fill the holes in your heart. All my best!!

Dear Dr. Phil, Robin & Viewing Audiences:

Several years ago, I had a divorce attorney that told me that she tells her clients that are going for a divorce to basically look at these things before deciding to marry once again:

Women:  Before choosing Mr. Right again; dig into how this man deals, feels and acts towards his mother, for what he exhibits and feels about the momma, will also be your fate.

Men:  Before choosing Mrs. Right again; dig into how this woman deals, feels and acts towards her dad, for once again; her feelings about her daddy, will also become your bed fellow.

I found these ideas to be quite confirming.

What else I have discovered comes from personal experience:  One of my two sons, married two times, both times to women that didn't quite like or accept their mothers fully...thus, my relationship with my son was also hampered...which also in a way makes sense, for both his women didn't get along well with their own mother and being the mother in law...my words and actions were also questioned and held suspect...

All as parents have not measured up completely for we all were once the children of parents, not quite aware of what true parenting skills are all about...teaching our children forgiveness is the first step...where they take it from there is totally up to them.

Because I feel that all could view themselves as victims...Being a victim and holding others hostage, only ends up with the one doing such...crippling others emotionally and mentally.  By others I mean the grandchildren raised in the environment that this type of interaction, never dies...yet continues, generation after generation.

Those are my thoughts on the subject...

"The sins of the parents will fall down upon the children for six generations."  Biblical quote

What happens when ones son marries into a situation where the mother figure isn't honored, respected or cherished and he has to choose sides?  Sometimes he chooses to find a less drama filled relationship.

My son is a working on his upcoming third marriage and he isn't 35 years old, yet.  Father of 3 children...All by different mothers.  My oldest son has been married to the same women for over 12 years and has two children as well.

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie

I too walked away from my parents for three years.  All due to the curse of alcoholism...which by the way is a disease of ones body, mind and spirit.

All the awful parts of my childhood and life have come from that one single ingredient...alcohol.

Alcohol I would say, should be listed right up there with crack, cocaine, herion...for it will take hostages, sometimes, permanently.

I too have horrific stories that still sometimes creeps into my sleep space.  Yet I can't allow it to control my life as it once did my parents.

I perhaps was luckier than yourself, for both my parents gave up drinking almost about 25 years ago when they found Our Heavenly Father.

It wasn't in time to save my siblings, yet perhaps it will make a difference with my grandchildren and perhaps their grandchildren and such as well.

I have chosen to not hold onto the scars of yesterday and I am able to do this simply due to the fact that I went outside of the box and tried to understand how my parents chose to be who they played themselves out to be.

What I discovered was:

Both of my parents are deceased now and I miss them!

Mothers role model to the daughter, who and what they are to be in the world.  What things they need to accept, or not, and what types of guys/girls are acceptable or not, by the choices they make.

Fathers role model to the daughter by the behavior to the mother and them...what type of behavior is acceptable or not.

Daughters that aren't aware of this; "monkey see, monkey do," kind of action; generally marry men quite similar to their dad, even if they didn't particularly like how dad was in the world...because simply as children we don't know that our parents aren't all knowing...we copy that which we don't understand as well...

Fathers also role model to the son, how he is to be in the world.  If the daddy/step daddy is an alcoholic, and uses alcohol as a crutch in life, the dad has a 50% chance that his son will manifest the same trait...

The father also has a 100% assurance that his son will manifest one of the "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents," syndrome of any of the addictive behaviors...such as RAZOR'S EDGE BEHAVIOR; drug addiction, worry, work, eating, anger, paranoid thinking, depression, abandonment issues, saddness, shopping, gambling, sex...etc., etc., etc... 

More later

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie