Topic : 01/01 Mama Drama

I too walked away from my parents for three years.  All due to the curse of alcoholism...which by the way is a disease of ones body, mind and spirit.

All the awful parts of my childhood and life have come from that one single ingredient...alcohol.

Alcohol I would say, should be listed right up there with crack, cocaine, herion...for it will take hostages, sometimes, permanently.

I too have horrific stories that still sometimes creeps into my sleep space.  Yet I can't allow it to control my life as it once did my parents.

I perhaps was luckier than yourself, for both my parents gave up drinking almost about 25 years ago when they found Our Heavenly Father.

It wasn't in time to save my siblings, yet perhaps it will make a difference with my grandchildren and perhaps their grandchildren and such as well.

I have chosen to not hold onto the scars of yesterday and I am able to do this simply due to the fact that I went outside of the box and tried to understand how my parents chose to be who they played themselves out to be.

What I discovered was:

Both of my parents are deceased now and I miss them!

Mothers role model to the daughter, who and what they are to be in the world.  What things they need to accept, or not, and what types of guys/girls are acceptable or not, by the choices they make.

Fathers role model to the daughter by the behavior to the mother and them...what type of behavior is acceptable or not.

Daughters that aren't aware of this; "monkey see, monkey do," kind of action; generally marry men quite similar to their dad, even if they didn't particularly like how dad was in the world...because simply as children we don't know that our parents aren't all knowing...we copy that which we don't understand as well...

Fathers also role model to the son, how he is to be in the world.  If the daddy/step daddy is an alcoholic, and uses alcohol as a crutch in life, the dad has a 50% chance that his son will manifest the same trait...

The father also has a 100% assurance that his son will manifest one of the "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents," syndrome of any of the addictive behaviors...such as RAZOR'S EDGE BEHAVIOR; drug addiction, worry, work, eating, anger, paranoid thinking, depression, abandonment issues, saddness, shopping, gambling, sex...etc., etc., etc... 

More later

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie

I do not think you should publish this book without your mother's support and blessing. Instead I think you should work to get your mother's support and blessing before you publish this book. I hope competent professionals could help you resolve your differences.

If you publish this book without your mother's support and blessing you could be viewed as exploiting the woman who is both your mother and a, probably seriously traumatized, serial killer victim. I believe our society has much sympathy for both aging parents and criminal victims. The public's view of you may not be as positive as you would like if this book is published against your mother's wishes. (Actually while writing this I realized this may be just another version of the exploitation games that are often used to victimize the elderly and otherwise challenged people in our society  - is this bingo?)

I have read a number of true crime books by best selling authors. I believe these experienced authors show much empathy and concern for crime victims. Deviating from these authors example may put you at risk for public condemnation. Therefore I believe working with your mother to resolve your differences before publishing this book is the best approach.

All of this raises an interesting question. Was being on the Dr. Phil show more about selling books than resolving this problems?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was widowed with a young child too, a few years ago now. Similarily my relationship with my mother was much the same as your own. I also had first-hand experience of what it felt like to be the "lesser" child. (Whatever a young child can do to earn/deserve such a title and all that comes with it, I'm still not sure to this day.) I understand that finances will be difficult while you persue your education; however, I'd urge you to be very careful. The cost of staying in her environment could be high , both for you and your son. I know you want a childhood for him that includes colouring " outside the lines" if he chooses. You mentioned "she" hates your in-laws. Surely it's your feelings about them that matter ultimately; especially if they could be of financial assisance, or provide alternate accommodation. With a young child to bring up alone, and a spouse to grief, you need all the hugs you can get.I hope you have friends in your world to give them freely and often. Good luck.

Puttig aside the abusive, negligent mothers, what the hell is wrong with the rest of us?  Sure, there is NORMAL teen aged rebellion.  We are here to make sure it does not get out of hand...and RESPECT?  Demand it!   We are in an era of being called out of our names, we are ATM Machines for our children, and expected to always be there for them...even when they abuse us...I can't buy into it.  Sorry if I sound hard, but I condemn ANY abuse, be it of a child, or a parent.  Abuse should not be tolerated in the name of "love".  What lesson does this teach?

Take a good look at what is out there today...teenagers are turning into monsters!  Yet, we sit back like wimps and say it's normal!  I'm not that old...and when I was growing up, it was NOT accepted by our parents, it was not NORMAL! 

I keep reading posts that state these kids will turn around one day and be loving, caring adults.  I hope that is so, yet I tend not to believe it.  There is no magic switch that goes off in someone's head, when they have been permitted to treat a parent like garbage, that flips them back into kindness.  Usually, they will either progress into selfish adults, or meet with a catastrophe that MAY wake them up.  It should not be so that our society is accepting of this new breed.  Parents had better go back to being leaders, making and enforcing rules...it's horrible that you allow a child to self-destruct before that child finally becomes human.

Pukey parenting is our downfall.  Being a doormat is NOT proof of love, it is indicative of fear or low self esteem. 

In the 70's, this was not permitted. Not speaking to a parent was a social taboo, unless you were dealing with low-lives.  It would have been an embarassment, today, it seems to be in Vogue to bash your parents, especially your mother. 

I'm proud to say that I never did anything near it.  When my mother passed away, I had the normal grief...just no regrets.  To the smart asses  who think they are soooo righteous in mommy bashing, just know that life holds no guarentees.  If and when you decide that you need your mother, it may just be too late, she may be gone.  The time to show your mother love and respect is TODAY...no one has a promise of  tomorrow, and the guilt may be very hard to overcome, if indeed, it just is too late.

You know I like what you say here in your message.  Just because I was the one who saw that my kids chores were done first, did not allow them to disrespect me and always wanted to know what and where they were.  I was the one whom got the blame for being abusive.  Please read my comment .  I am the one who talks about a mother without my kids.

I did let my ex know that I came from some abuse when I was growing up.  Once I started having emotional problems and finance problems between my ex and I.  Everytime I would discpline my children my ex would step in and under mind me.  He would tell me I was being to hard on them or that I was being like my dad.  That comment really upset me because my dad would be scolding me for something I didn't do or just because he thought I was lying.  When I got after my children it was because they were back talking me or disrespecting me.  My kids loved to yell at me or tell me I was stupid.  My ex always yelled at me and my opinion never mattered.  He always showed didrespect to me.  I never told my kids they were stupid.  I was always their biggest fan.  I always told them when they wanted to try something new that they could do it , keep up the good work.  I never disrespected them.  I would yell at them, but not until they chose to ignore me.  I was real quick to use time outs and groundings.  I always used a spanking or a tap on the leg or arm as last resort.  It was never forceful.  Matter of fact I was one of those that after I had to physically touch my children for discpline, I was the one that was more upset than they was.  Oh yes let me point this out.  I would tap them on the arm or thigh when they were in their teens.  Once they got bigger than me they thought they could treat me any way they wanted.  My ex was never home much.  I was the one in charge of the kids and everytime I would have to get after them and end up grounding them.  I would come home and find them ungrounded.  I got the excuse I didn't remember or I just let them go and play.

My ex and I was never on the same page when it came to raising the kids.  So by reading this message and my other message you will see why my kids stayed with their dad.  He turned them againist me.  I just hope one day they will understand that I was just watching out for their best interest and there is two sides to every story.