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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Number of Replies: 1405
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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

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January 19, 2008, 12:45 pm CST

swinging coubles

hi well i t hink what the swinging coubles are doing are discusting, and i belive that when you marry you are not to be doing things like that , it hard enough to keep a marrage together and to put there son in middle of this is just so wrong. they both need help and to think of only each other and not even think of a 3  way that is just sick in my opion . charlette
 
January 19, 2008, 12:55 pm CST

Secrets In The Suburbs

Quote From: ramair

Renee is afraid, if she doesn't cave into Brent's demands that she join him in a threesome, he'll leave her. Is hanging onto that sicko pervert worth engaging in something that so obviously digusts her? She ought to stand her ground. If  Brent leaves Renee, he'll be doing her a favor. She ought to do herself the favor. By throwing that rotten fish back into the cess-pool.

I think it is SICK, SICK, SICK to even think of doing.  Renee I am like you I could NOT Ever, Never even share my husband with one other person let alone two others.  I KNOW for a fact you should NOT cave in to your husbands demand.  Leave HIM!  There are wonderful men that can't stand that sort of thing either. and you deserve the BEST in a marriage.  Men say they are primeavel and meant to share. Well woman Aren't.....A husband whom is completely yours in every way, especially in LOVE MAKING is the most precious and beautiful thing there is in a marriage don't sell yourself short.  I have to have LOVE MAKING not just CHEAP sex for my self worth and I think you do too.

Please Renee do not go that route when you so strongly oppose it.  You would be miserable and could get depressed and despondant over time with this kind of pressure put on YOU.  DON"T do it.  I have been very happily married for 50 years MAKING wonderful LOVE to my husband and have NO regrets.  I hope you will be able to do the same.

 
January 19, 2008, 12:56 pm CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: MrTruelove

Quote by ceildh1: " (although I don't get why you would get married if you don't "DO" Monogomy)." -End quote Swinging is different for many different people. But for some people, myself included, it is simply something we are doing together. It's not that I am having sex with other people. WE are having sex with other people. It's a shared experience. That being said, I have a monogamous relationship with my wife in an emotional aspect. And sex with her is truly unique because of that. But expanding the non-emotional aspect of our sexlife up with other people is quite different. I expect to see people come onto this show and have difficulties with swinging because their marriage wasn't sound to begin with. They were looking into swinging as a possible cure for a problem, or perhaps looking for something their relationship didn't provide. It's sad really, because those are the completely wrong reasons to get into the lifestyle. Stability first, and remember to always go back to a typical marriage at the onset of problems.

Before you were married did you and your wife discuss swinging and both agree that you would do it?

 

For my husband and me, swinging will never be something that we will do. We've been married close to 34 years. It's just not the way we are. I try to be  open minded about things but this is something I will never understand. I have been surprised to hear through the grapevine over the years that even in our small country county, there are couples who swing. I don't personally know anyone who has ever admitted to it. It is probably everywhere.

 
January 19, 2008, 1:30 pm CST

been there...

I have been in the same situation. I felt if i didnt go through with what my husband wanted i would loose him. It started when a freind came over one day and i was coerced into having sex with both men. My self asteem died that day. We began going to a nudist colony that did bother me at first but when i found out the rules were strict i felt this was safer than the alternative. This is where we met this man who i mentioned ealrlier.

After a short time of " swinging" i decided i couldnt live this way any more. I was brought up in a very religious home and he could never seem to get enough sex. WE got divorced and it wasnt untill years later that i came to the realazaton that he was a sex addict and nothing i would have done could have saved our marriage. Now our grown children know of his current meetings with other couples in hotels in the town where he lives, so do his siblings. Now they know why i left him. WE were a high profile couple in this town and i am ashamed to show my face in my own home town. My oldest son lives there and i do go visit him on occassion but leave and come strait back home when i do. The kid is only 27 and has a tereible time getting a job, he is a Jr. and people look at him funny. he has to live down his fathers short comings. He has 2 children he is raising also. I am disabled and cant help him financially.  Tell her if he is bound and determined to have sex with dozens of women to let him go.. he isnt worth it!

 
January 19, 2008, 2:12 pm CST

secrets in the suburbs

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, I'll get blasted. I "Don't play well with others " and there are things I just "Will not share " my husband being one of those things, that being said... If my neighbors, my doctor or child's teacher are "Swingers" why is that my business or the Police's business or really anyone's business ? Quite frankly its NOT. It is a lifestyle that has to be AGREED on by both parties BEFORE that paper is signed, if one or the other partner is against it, then you shouldn't sign that paper with them, move on and find a person that shares YOUR views on marriage (although I don't get why you would get married if you don't "DO" Monogomy). Okay, he wants a threesome, you don't, but you're scared he'll leave ? Huh, so he leaves, big deal do you really want to be with someone who bullies you into doing things you are disgusted by ? And what kind of "Man " involves his child in these type of discussions ? If he said he wanted you to help him rape someone or he would leave you, would you do it ? Or would you find the "gonads" to get out and make a life for yourself ? Please, I've heard the arguments before, she has no job skills, go to night school, millions have or are doing it, and courses can be taken online now as well, she has no money, what about spousal support, or a JOB, take something that can help you in your quest to upgrade your skills. Easy, no, nothing worthwhile ever is, but what is more important, your sense of peace and self worth, or his pathetic little ego, call his bluff, and stand on your own. Why does this piss me off so badly ? I see women in Afghanistan and Africa that are FORCED to live in these situations because of lack of opportunities and education, here in the West we are GIVEN the opportunity to stand on our own as independant women, not just an extension of our husbands, and yet when it comes down to it, we still think we NEED the husband to validate us, even if it is to the detriment of our own mental health or that of our children.
you go girl tell it like it is. i admire your strength in saying what needs to be said. straight and to the point. unfortunatly there is no morality for our children to follow any more and thats why society is the way it is
 
January 19, 2008, 3:37 pm CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: ozzwood

 I'm interested how Dr. Phil will portray swingers.  Will those millions of people who swing successfully be portrayed in a good light, or are we all to be painted as ruining our family dynamics and ruining our marriages?  Reading the synopsis of the show, it sounds like Nita and Walter had problems in their marriage to begin with.  These are the drama couples we stay far away from.  Any successful swinger single or couple would advise them to fix their marriage before swinging.  With Brent and his selfish wants of a threesome, if your spouse refuses to swing, that's it.  No means no.  There is no room for compromise when one spouse refuses.  If he threatens to leave, help him pack his bags.  Swinging isn't about being selfish, it's about being selfless.  We both want the other to have the experiences of a lifetime. 

Swinging isn't for everyone, and that's OK.  Not everyone is cut out for skydiving, either.  Most people can't wrap their heads around the why's or what for's of swinging.  You don't have to understand.  We do ask you however,  to be respectfully tolerant of our lifestyle that we've chosen.   I've heard us compared to pedophiles, rapists and murderers.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Swinging is not a crime and if it was, it is a victimless one.  Nobody gets hurt.  It's consensual, safe and sane. 
I have seen DrP interview swingers before. I would say he is not in favor of swinging.
 
January 19, 2008, 5:38 pm CST

Another swinger....

Quote From: ozzwood

 I'm interested how Dr. Phil will portray swingers.  Will those millions of people who swing successfully be portrayed in a good light, or are we all to be painted as ruining our family dynamics and ruining our marriages?  Reading the synopsis of the show, it sounds like Nita and Walter had problems in their marriage to begin with.  These are the drama couples we stay far away from.  Any successful swinger single or couple would advise them to fix their marriage before swinging.  With Brent and his selfish wants of a threesome, if your spouse refuses to swing, that's it.  No means no.  There is no room for compromise when one spouse refuses.  If he threatens to leave, help him pack his bags.  Swinging isn't about being selfish, it's about being selfless.  We both want the other to have the experiences of a lifetime. 

Swinging isn't for everyone, and that's OK.  Not everyone is cut out for skydiving, either.  Most people can't wrap their heads around the why's or what for's of swinging.  You don't have to understand.  We do ask you however,  to be respectfully tolerant of our lifestyle that we've chosen.   I've heard us compared to pedophiles, rapists and murderers.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Swinging is not a crime and if it was, it is a victimless one.  Nobody gets hurt.  It's consensual, safe and sane. 

I appreciate that everyone has an opinion but sometimes I think alot of the critism that people have for people who choose to swing is lack of understanding.  And lack of understanding is the number one factor in any discrimatory action.  With that being said, my husband and I have been in the lifestyle for several years.  It has enriched our marriage as opposed to distroying it.  I do think it is wrong for anyone to go into this to please their partner or there will be horrible results!  This lifestyle, for us atleast, is about sharing our deepest innermost fantasies and experiencing them together.  I'm curious about something for those that are so quick to be critical, have you ever has a sexual fantasy that you would not tell either your spouse or partner?  My guess is, YES!  If your marriage or relationship is better than ours, then why wouldn't you share that with them?  That's not to say that this is for everyone because it is not!  But for my husband and I, there is absolutely nothing we would not tell eachother, in regard to sex or anything else.  There maybe things that I fantasize about but he doesn't share that fantasy or it isn't appealing to him and vice versa but we talk about it, honestly and openly.  And we admit, there are somethings that are better left as a fantasy.  Another question for those who want to be critical, do you also think it is so horrible for a married couple to watch porno or to engage in the use of sex toys?   You see, not everyone has to agree with everyone else but no one has the right to say what consenting adults do.  Both myself and my husband are bisexual (I'm sure I opened another can of worms with that one...lol).  There is no way to explore that side of our sexuality in a "monogomous" relationship.  As for risk of disease, well there is actually a smaller risk, much smaller, in this lifestyle than other choices.   You see, we get tested every couple of months, as do our partners and we all have the paperwork to prove it.   As for kids, our children are the most important parts of our lives hence the reason we rarely get a chance to go "play" as a couple.  We have made the decision to be able to play seperately.  Now tell me, how many people have that much trust in their relationship?  If you don't, then you do not belong in this lifestyle.  And no, we have no intention of one day sitting our kids down and saying, "Guess what mommy and daddy do!".  That's insane.  I'm sure at some point and time there will be questions and we will answer them honestly according to age appropriateness just like we would with anything else.  We don't ask that you agree with our choices but please don't condemn us just as we would not your choices in your life.

 

Bearcourage

 
January 19, 2008, 7:17 pm CST

3 somes...

If you go into a 3 some be prepared to lose your man or woman.  To want one when your married is wrong.  If your young and just dating then it's ok if both agree but then again be prepared to lose the one your with.  I've had a few...women and men but never was interested enough to stay with any of them...and I was single.  Age make you  a bit smarter and I've seen the results of people in love having them and then it's over.  Just don't do it and don't let him talk u into it....if he loves you it will remain a fantasy!
 
January 19, 2008, 7:28 pm CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: MrTruelove

Quote by ceildh1: " (although I don't get why you would get married if you don't "DO" Monogomy)." -End quote Swinging is different for many different people. But for some people, myself included, it is simply something we are doing together. It's not that I am having sex with other people. WE are having sex with other people. It's a shared experience. That being said, I have a monogamous relationship with my wife in an emotional aspect. And sex with her is truly unique because of that. But expanding the non-emotional aspect of our sexlife up with other people is quite different. I expect to see people come onto this show and have difficulties with swinging because their marriage wasn't sound to begin with. They were looking into swinging as a possible cure for a problem, or perhaps looking for something their relationship didn't provide. It's sad really, because those are the completely wrong reasons to get into the lifestyle. Stability first, and remember to always go back to a typical marriage at the onset of problems.
Say what you must to validate your sick addiction. Some people steal, some people rape, some people swing, some people molest kids some people cheat on their spouse. All will say it feels right. Wrong is wrong!! Sugar coating it doesn't change that. In what state, province or country does it say in the wedding vows to have and to hold everything that moves?? You are to become one with each other ,not the world. By saying that everyone involved is in agreement with what's happening, just means that you all are needy, risk taking, attension seekers that are emotionally disfunctional. You are not responsible or disciplined enough to live like grown ups.
 
January 19, 2008, 7:39 pm CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: bearcourage

I appreciate that everyone has an opinion but sometimes I think alot of the critism that people have for people who choose to swing is lack of understanding.  And lack of understanding is the number one factor in any discrimatory action.  With that being said, my husband and I have been in the lifestyle for several years.  It has enriched our marriage as opposed to distroying it.  I do think it is wrong for anyone to go into this to please their partner or there will be horrible results!  This lifestyle, for us atleast, is about sharing our deepest innermost fantasies and experiencing them together.  I'm curious about something for those that are so quick to be critical, have you ever has a sexual fantasy that you would not tell either your spouse or partner?  My guess is, YES!  If your marriage or relationship is better than ours, then why wouldn't you share that with them?  That's not to say that this is for everyone because it is not!  But for my husband and I, there is absolutely nothing we would not tell eachother, in regard to sex or anything else.  There maybe things that I fantasize about but he doesn't share that fantasy or it isn't appealing to him and vice versa but we talk about it, honestly and openly.  And we admit, there are somethings that are better left as a fantasy.  Another question for those who want to be critical, do you also think it is so horrible for a married couple to watch porno or to engage in the use of sex toys?   You see, not everyone has to agree with everyone else but no one has the right to say what consenting adults do.  Both myself and my husband are bisexual (I'm sure I opened another can of worms with that one...lol).  There is no way to explore that side of our sexuality in a "monogomous" relationship.  As for risk of disease, well there is actually a smaller risk, much smaller, in this lifestyle than other choices.   You see, we get tested every couple of months, as do our partners and we all have the paperwork to prove it.   As for kids, our children are the most important parts of our lives hence the reason we rarely get a chance to go "play" as a couple.  We have made the decision to be able to play seperately.  Now tell me, how many people have that much trust in their relationship?  If you don't, then you do not belong in this lifestyle.  And no, we have no intention of one day sitting our kids down and saying, "Guess what mommy and daddy do!".  That's insane.  I'm sure at some point and time there will be questions and we will answer them honestly according to age appropriateness just like we would with anything else.  We don't ask that you agree with our choices but please don't condemn us just as we would not your choices in your life.

 

Bearcourage

As far as I am concerned, what y'all do in the bedroom is your business as long as it is between consenting adults.

 

As far as your comment regarding a decreased risk of illness, perhaps it would be better qualified were you to make a comparison, eg. visiting prostitutes, one night stands, multiple partners without protection.  When compared to strict monagomy or avoidance of sex altogether there is an increased risk. 

 
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