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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 20, 2008, 4:03 am CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: givemarrow

This isn't a show I think Dr. Phil should be doing...it appears that it belongs on the other ragshows.  I'm surprised this is even airing, giving them airtime is just what they want...to promote their sin. 
I disagree, I think doing this show will let us have a closer look at what makes people WANT to engage in swinging. I know that I am curious as to how couples come to make this decision. DrP probably will not give HIS stamp of approval on swinging. We will get a closer look at this practice and I think it will be very interesting.
 
January 20, 2008, 4:12 am CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

If I were in Renee's situation, this would be a deal breaker. I wouldn't want to be married to a man who needed to bring someone else into our marriage. And there can't be anything positive about bringing the 17 year old into the discussion. I've never been in a situation like this, so I realize that it's easy for me to say what I would do. There is just no room in our bed for another person. Period.
 
January 20, 2008, 4:55 am CST

And the Health Risk??

3-Somes = transmitted diseases.  How is one to (really) know if the partners have a clean bill of health?.  I don't believe people tell the truth about their sexual health; too many are being diagnosed with HIV and other STD's.

 

Like Dr. Phil says:  'And how's that workin' for ya?'. 
 
January 20, 2008, 6:47 am CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: alpha12

As far as I am concerned, what y'all do in the bedroom is your business as long as it is between consenting adults.

 

As far as your comment regarding a decreased risk of illness, perhaps it would be better qualified were you to make a comparison, eg. visiting prostitutes, one night stands, multiple partners without protection.  When compared to strict monagomy or avoidance of sex altogether there is an increased risk. 

Thank you for your response.  And you have a very valid point in regard to the comparison.  I was thinking, but failed to type, that there are very very few relationships or marriages that atleast one of the parties has not had an affair atleast once.  I think all long term relationships and marriages tend to hit slumps and often times this goes unchecked until the disaster of an affair occurs.  The are alot of occasions to where the innocent person in the relationship becomes sick as a result.  I have worked in the medical field for a long time and have seen this happen time and time again.  Most the time when people are having affairs they don't take the time to talk about STDs or birthcontrol, etc.  and innocent people get hurt.  With what we do, there is a great deal of honesty and a great deal of frankness.   That translates into safety.  I just don't understand why there is such a stigma attached to this other than society says it is taboo.  I have actually had people tell me that having an affair is better than this and honestly, I totally disagree.  Just my opinion.
 
January 20, 2008, 7:40 am CST

Marriage is supposed to come before all others

I am a 22 year old married woman and I couldn't imagin being  with any other man or allowing my husband to be with another woman. Once you get married you are supposed to forsake all others not sleep with all your friends or any one else. To me the romantic part of my marriage is private and that is something that I will not share with any one else because I love my husband and I took vows for better or worse. I just think that if you are truely happy in your marriage your spouse should be enough for you and if they are not then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If you are content with your marriage then you should not have to turn to others for sexual satisfication. I was always taught that even if you think about what it would be like to be another person, other than your spouse, than that is considered cheating. I just strongly feel that if you are married than you don't need porn, or other people to satisfy your sexual needs.

 
January 20, 2008, 7:55 am CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: jules1965

My husband and I have been swinging going on 5 years.

My family is aware of it as are my grown adult children, even my MOTHER.

 

I think what shocked my mother (think old school'what would the neighbors think?)

So I went to a popular swing site, typed in my zip code, put in a 50 mile radius and viola, up popped over 500 couples......there mom, that's what my neighbors think.

She was aghast of course that so many people were swinging, not that my husband and I swing.

 

The thing about swinging is, there must be 110% agreement between the couple if they are wanting to try this.

They must be 2000% committed to their MARRIAGE.

They must set clear and unbreakable RULES for swinging, any violation of the rules and the swinging ends or the marriage will.

 

Protect yourself at all times, from pregnancy, disease, weirdos.

Never go with strangers, always get to know the people first (phone, internet, safe place to meet for the 1st time)

 

Swinging has not harmed our marriage whatsoever. We've had 3 somes (MFM and FMF as well as couples MF/MF)

If swinging has done anything to our marriage it has strengthened it, we have more trust for each other, our sex life..........well......just RULES!

 

We are open with each other, no secrets, no lying, the trust is amazing!! If both of us don't agree to a situation 110%.......we leave, simple as that.

 

Nobody can enter our marriage, they may enter our bed but not our marriage. We are a team and will remain until death do us part.

 

Swinging is absolutely NOT for everyone.

No partner should feel threatened, forced, or guilted into doing anything they do not want to do!

 

The couple coming on the show where the wife doesnt want to do it but feels pressure from her husband and is scared he'll leave if she doesn't go along with him.......

Face it, there are much deeper problems than just if his 'needs' or 'wants' aren't met or she doesnt do what HE wants to do.

 

Some people are not into swinging nor ever will be. It isn't right for everyone. (though the numbers are so high that fact has room for argument!)

 

One thing swinging has given us is a much deeper understanding of each other, has enhanced a very wonderful sex life too.

 

Mind you, this isn't an everyday thing or we spend time cruising, we're part timers......if we find a nice couple fine, if not, fine too.

Its been a year since we swung but we move across country and have been busy....if the mood strikes we'll search for like minded adults and see where it goes......our lives are not consumed by swinging, only positively enhanced  our marriage, IN and OUT of the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn't have said it better myself!!!  That is a perfect explaination of what swinging is to me and my husband also!
 
January 20, 2008, 8:06 am CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: bearcourage

Thank you for your response.  And you have a very valid point in regard to the comparison.  I was thinking, but failed to type, that there are very very few relationships or marriages that atleast one of the parties has not had an affair atleast once.  I think all long term relationships and marriages tend to hit slumps and often times this goes unchecked until the disaster of an affair occurs.  The are alot of occasions to where the innocent person in the relationship becomes sick as a result.  I have worked in the medical field for a long time and have seen this happen time and time again.  Most the time when people are having affairs they don't take the time to talk about STDs or birthcontrol, etc.  and innocent people get hurt.  With what we do, there is a great deal of honesty and a great deal of frankness.   That translates into safety.  I just don't understand why there is such a stigma attached to this other than society says it is taboo.  I have actually had people tell me that having an affair is better than this and honestly, I totally disagree.  Just my opinion.

I agree with you on that.  It seems to me that it is better to know and trust the people with whom you and your spouse are having sex than to have them be interlopers into your marriage as the result of a hasty decision.

 

I also think you are correct that the stigma comes from our social background.  Thousands of years of social conditioning do not go away overnight! 

 

Affairs have been in the forefront of knowledge long enough that while people can condem them, they can also understand and justify them, ie. she was treating him poorly, he was just a scoundrel etc.  Swinging is so new to most people that they have not yet come up with a reasoning system that will allow them to cope with the idea.  Why the concept "we trust each other and it is a mutual decision" is hard to understand I am not sure of yet. 

 
January 20, 2008, 9:26 am CST

wow

No where does a union between two people become a union between three, totally outragious!!!
 
January 20, 2008, 9:50 am CST

Get Real!!!

 What are you thinking????For any relationship to be successful BOTH ( meaning 2) partners need to feel secure, accepted and understood for who they are. If a husband Truly loves his wife she is his #1 priority. And the same for a wife. What you do, give ect. its for the betterment of the family unit. If these couples would put the energy into loving each other instead of looking out the window @ what the neighbor is married to they would find exactly what they are looking for...total contentment. 

As for Brent and his wife.....HE NEEDS TO GET OVER IT AND STOP PUSHING HER TO DO SOMETHING SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO. JUST BECAUSE THE 3SOME CRAP WORKS ON THE PORNO SITE HE'S WATCHING DOESN'T MEAN IT WORKS IN REAL LIFE. MY EXHUSBAND PUT ME IN THAT SITUATION AND AFTER YEARS I FINALLY GAVE IN. I WAS SICKENED AND DIGUSTED WITH MYSELF AND I HATED HIM FOR FORCING ME TO PARTICIPATE. IT WAS LIKE RAPE BUT NOT FROM A STRANGER...FROM THE ONE WHO VOWED TO LOVE HONOR AND PROTECT ME. OUR MARRIAGE ENDED ABOUT A YEAR LATER. MY ADVICE TO MRS. BRENT DON'T GIVE IN, YOU'LL ONLY HATE YOURSELF LATER. IF BRENT DOESN'T COME TO HIS SENSES AND RELENT SHE SHOULD LEAVE HIM. SHE DESERVES BETTER.
 
January 20, 2008, 10:34 am CST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: jjpoplin

I am a 22 year old married woman and I couldn't imagin being  with any other man or allowing my husband to be with another woman. Once you get married you are supposed to forsake all others not sleep with all your friends or any one else. To me the romantic part of my marriage is private and that is something that I will not share with any one else because I love my husband and I took vows for better or worse. I just think that if you are truely happy in your marriage your spouse should be enough for you and if they are not then you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If you are content with your marriage then you should not have to turn to others for sexual satisfication. I was always taught that even if you think about what it would be like to be another person, other than your spouse, than that is considered cheating. I just strongly feel that if you are married than you don't need porn, or other people to satisfy your sexual needs.

I am curious as to how long you have been married.  I do not mean that critical, just curious.  It sounds as though you have very strong beliefs in your moral system and I have a great deal of respect for anyone that does and sticks by them.  I am a little perplexed about you statement about you regard thinking about being with another person other than your spouce is cheating.  The human mind often flashes things and thoughts that are not consciously controlled by a person.  To me, fantasies are part of what make you human.  Do you ever think about or wish for a better job or more money or a different house just out of the blue?  That is really no different than thinking about sex, even if it is thinking about sex with someone other than your spouce, when it is a spontaneous thought.  I often wonder why it is so taboo in our society for women, especially, to be sexual creatures.  Many of my friends (female) and I have talked about sex....often times not even about swinging....and they are ashamed and embarrassed to be sexual.  To me that is sad that a person cannot be comfortable enough to express themselves especially with their spouce!  I think alot of people confuse sex and love.  The people that my husband and I engage in sex with are our friends and we care about them as such but there is no way to compare that to the love that he and I share.  Sex is something that is physical, it is a physical release and a part of enjoyment in life.  They way alot of people are entertwining the two makes me wonder, would you love you husband less if suddenly he was unable to achieve an erection?  Ofcourse not, or I would hope not and that is because you love and marriage is not based just on the sex life that the two of you have, because I hope there is so much more to your relationship.  I know that would be the case with myself. 
 
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