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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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funkiwomanki

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January 25, 2008, 4:13 pm PST

question your assumptions

Certainly any activity that abuses children or vulnerable people or is non-consentual is not okay, but who cares what two consenting adults do behind closed doors? There is nothing inherently right (or wrong) with monogamy...it's simply a long-standing tradition in our culture. It's not fair to condemn people who are non-monogamous just because it's not the way we choose to live our lives. Frankly, our tradition of monogamy may be rooted in an associated tradition of sexual repression. I am a relationhsip therapist who sees plenty of clients who live happy, consentual, responsible and intentional non-monogamous lives. Their relationships aren't perfect, but how many monogamous relationships are? I suggest staying out of other people's sexual business and question our assumptions about what's right and wrong, leaving people to live by their own sense of morality (not our own) short of abuse and violation.

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jamaica1

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January 25, 2008, 4:13 pm PST

not cheating

Quote From: bbbald

You got it all wrong. You need to look up the word cheating. What it means, is if one partner does something behind his or her back. Swingers include their fun and all their fantasy with their partners. There is a major differents.

it definitely is not cheating as i've cheated and been cheated on. this is something that requires lots of healthy communication, lots of love and caring and lots of openness with feelings and a feeling of safety for this to work. when you have that foundation and you experience this together, your love deepens in a way that is hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. it's like someone trying to describe their passion for nudity or for the same sex or whatever. sexual adventures are just adventures like travel adventures. its not for everyone but it works for many

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pocahauntis

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January 25, 2008, 4:14 pm PST

What goes into the mix

Regarding the couple who is arguing about the threesome: When I was very young, my husband tried to talk me into this scenario. Although I did not want to, I was very naive at the time and thought it was up to me to make a husband happy, that was the old school way of thinking. I did not know that it was abnormal or that I should stick up for myself. Add to this some alcohol use, and your judgment is impaired. I soon realized there were many things that were "sick" about my ex-husband, including trying to talk me into sexual scenarios that were not pleasurable or comfortable for me, and I got out of the marriage after 2 1/2 years. It is embarrassing for me to this day to know my family witnessed my apparent stupidity at the time. When you're very young, you don't know that you can hold out for a man who truly will make you happy.

The woman on the show obviously will not take action on her own. I will lay odds she will change her mind and decide "it's not that bad." She will rationalize and think things like "at least he doesn't hit me." Women like her need to know that mental abuse is JUST as damaging, often moreso, than physical abuse, and she needs to get some help.

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soverit

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January 25, 2008, 4:14 pm PST

Such a controversy...

I only wish that people could be more open minded and understand that everybody truly is different. Just because one person thinks an act is morally wrong does not give them the right to judge anybody who does it. Everybody has their own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and so on. If a couple is having problems with something such as swinging, than they have got bigger problems than just that. If a couple agrees that they both want to do it, than I see nothing wrong, not morally, not lawfully, or otherwise. Everybody has the right to make their own decision. Marriage is about finding the right person to live the kind of life you want to live, with someone you care about.

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karene6814

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January 25, 2008, 4:14 pm PST

NEVER A GOOD CHOSE

I did this in my first marriage and all it did was cause insecurities. Then the marrige ended. I learned that he didn't want to be married or be with one person alone.

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amemahoney

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January 25, 2008, 4:14 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: mbettislee

It seems that the missing quality here in both couples is respect...respect for themselves and for the vows they took. If one has respect for themselves...which includes respect for one's body...then they do not wish to do anything that might hurt that body. I think sex with others, whom you may or may not know very well, could lead to all sorts of injurious diesases. Those would then be passed onto one's spouse. Vows are promises. One should not break promises on a whim. One should respect their children. Having sex with others certainly does not give young people a good example to follow. I teach many...far too many...high school students who have little respect for themselves or their bodies. They have indiscriminate sex often, and often with partners whom they do not even know well. When I question them, they are quick to tell me that their mama or daddy or both have had multiple mates, "special friends," or spouses. No wonder we have so many screwed up kids! Look who they are looking up to for leadership!!! These people need to move to a desert island with others of their kind and take their strange ways with them!

My husband and I swing and we are very respectful of each other. As far as wedding vows, well that wasn't in our vows so no problem there. Protecting yourselves from disease is a MAJOR part of the swinging lifestyle. Condoms are readily available at any clubs or ranches and people I know are regularly tested and see their doctors.

As far as messing up kids - I think our kids have a LOT more bad examples from our so-called Christian "Moral" Leaders. Trying to keep sex closeted and teaching abstinance, as well as lack of proper sex ed are more of a detriment to our children and society than hearing that people can love and enjoy their bodies without guilt.

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talrochon

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January 25, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

so what

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 19 YEARS AND HAVE BEEN SWINGERS FOR 6 YEARS NOW. IT DOES NOT MEAN WE LOVE EACH OTHER ANY LESS.. WE JUST WANTED TO ADD MORE SPICE TO OUR LOVE LIFE.. DON'T GET ME WRONG, WE'VE TRIED OTHER THINGS TOO.. LIKE ROLE PLAYING AND TOYS ETC.. BUT COME ON! IF YOU HAVE STEAK EVERY NIGHT, DON'T YOU GET TIRED OF IT AFTER A WHILE? WE STILL LOVE MAKING LOVE TO EACH OTHER AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE DO (MAKE LOVE ) BUT WITH OTHER COUPLES IT'S JUST S.E.X. AND WE NEVER DO IT WITH THE SAME COUPLES ,SO THAT WAY NO ATTACHMENTS CANBE MADE.. AND YES WE PLAY SAFE AND GET TESTED ON A REGULAR BASIS (WE'RE NOT IDIOTS) LIKE DR. PHIL SAID ..WE ARE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS AND WHEN THE OTHER ONE WILL DECIDE HE LONGER WANTS TO PLAY,WE ARE BOTH OK WITH THAT...

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sassycagirl

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January 25, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

Secrets in the suburbs

I watched the show today and i have to say i dont' agree with the swinging lifestyle in any way shape or form though i will not judge but I personally feel it is cheating. You are going outside the marriage You Mad e a commitment To one Person

Marriage Is Sacred. You never bring anyone else into your sex life. I would never do anyhting like that Nor would i do the threesome thing in a relationship.

If my other half did that to me I would feel rejected and that i wasn't good enough for him

For the same reasons Relationships are Sacred You Never Bring Other Parties into the sexual aspect of your life with your husband or your boyfriend

Anyone that truly loves you will not try and force you to do what you don't want to do

For me watching that for brent it's about 2 things Power and Control.

I just can't see how someone like that can say they love someone and do this to them

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sunnystiles

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January 25, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

threesome- brent & renee

the one thing i was really surprised about, was that dr. phil did not bring up the fact that brent wanted a threesome with a MAN! there is nothing wrong with same sex relationships. however, it is something that renee might want to consider.

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jlb2551

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angry

January 25, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

Oh please !!!!

Quote From: michelle_6

"Love" has nothing to do with it. Why is so hard to understand that there is a difference between love and sex?? It's a bonding thing to do with your partner, the same as using a sex toy. That's how you view the 3rd person or the other couple, nothing more than a sex toy. Maybe some people are satisfied with the same old, same old all the time.....but others are not. It's a way to explore TOGETHER something new, a new way to see your partner.

Then be decent enough to go get a toy and batteries than a human being with feelings and a soul and hopefully one day a conscience that they then have to deal with.

What a selfish cad you ae !!!

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