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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Number of Replies: 1406
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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 25, 2008, 4:54 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: ashleyrose2001

 I am a happy 28 year old mother of 3. I am also engaged to a 25 year old man. He comes from a family where this kind of a life is normal. I don't. I have a hard time understanding his point of view on this. He keeps asking me to try it, but I am scared of what will happen if I give in. I am afriad either he will leve me for her or I will leave him for someone. But the thought that scares me the most is how that lifestyle would effect my kids. His mother was married and divorced 5 times. That alone tells me not to do it. But I worry he is thinking of another woman. But doesn't want to admit to it unless I give him permission to see another woman. So, I guesse I am against it but not sure how to handle it.
If you are already having issues with this, and he is continuing to pressure you, you should probably think about getting out now. Don't go through with the wedding. you shouldn't have to feel like you are "giving in."

If he really wants this lifestyle and you do not, you are totally incompatible no matter how much you love each other otherwise. Marrying each other will be asking you both to make compromises that will go against what you believe in. It is fair to neither of you. Neither or you are right or wrong, but you just may be too different.

- happy married swinger
 
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January 25, 2008, 4:55 pm PST

yikes

Quote From: nwathompson

 

 I don't know your age but will be willing to bet within 10 more years one of you will be out the door.

I think that is absolutely rediculous! What ever happened to commitment! Being with someone else breaks that. Especially when you bring someone else in.  I think that is totally disgraceful and would never do it EVER!
 
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January 25, 2008, 4:56 pm PST

Sigh! No good reason to get naked with strangers

Quote From: alpha12

I agree with you on that.  It seems to me that it is better to know and trust the people with whom you and your spouse are having sex than to have them be interlopers into your marriage as the result of a hasty decision.

 

I also think you are correct that the stigma comes from our social background.  Thousands of years of social conditioning do not go away overnight! 

 

Affairs have been in the forefront of knowledge long enough that while people can condem them, they can also understand and justify them, ie. she was treating him poorly, he was just a scoundrel etc.  Swinging is so new to most people that they have not yet come up with a reasoning system that will allow them to cope with the idea.  Why the concept "we trust each other and it is a mutual decision" is hard to understand I am not sure of yet. 

As far as I know of there is no good reason to get naked with someone who is not your husband or wife. 

 

I don't accept any excuses for extramarital affairs and in my opinion that is what the lifestyle is.  How many times has a man screwed around only to say "I don't love her". 

 

Disgusting and demoralizing behavior.  I just think it is gross these women and men who have all these different people all over them.  GROSS!!!

 

How can you kiss the lips of your spouse after they have been on someone else's lips, and other places they may have been? 

 

It's all affairs to me.  I'd never get naked with anyone but my husband (okay my doctor sees me that way every once in a blue moon, but SHE isn't looking for recreation).

 

Gross to all you scuzy looser types slurping all over each other.  Gross!  I am glad you guys keep it your little secret b/c there's about 8 million people I'd have nothing to do with if I knew how easy it is for them to get naked with people who aren't their spouse.

 
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January 25, 2008, 4:58 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: heartgram

I have been studying this "swinging" trend for many months now and from that research I have concluded that the human race is disgusting! It is amazing how as a species we are attempting to commoditise ourselves and make ourselves available to people that we don't even know. I'm not religious but still this seems wrong! I'm very scared by the seemingly great numbers of people that are doing this and there seems to be no end to it in sight. Even with rises in Aids and other STD's people are still participating in this behavior. For those who claim swinging is liberating I have to ask you this, how is it liberating that you are basically for all intents and purposes a free prostitute? What the heck do you get out this? Heck, at least prostitutes get paid for having sex with a stranger! How people are allowing themselves to be sex commodities and making it ok in their minds is really perplexing. What is really disturbing to me is how as a society we are making this okay, even going as far as to make it trendy or cool. I'm sure if pedophilia got the same kind of treatment swinging is getting we as a society would believe it is acceptable behavior in spite of the fact it violates human rights. Well swinging violates basic human rights. The people with whom you are swinging with have no responsibility to you so if you get pregnant or get aids they are not obliged to care. How is this different than prostitution? Oh that's right I forgot YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING PAID!!!!! Every day that passes by it seems the world is turning into the dystopia as described in the book "Brave New World". The dissolution of monogamy and the commoditising of sex is well on its way! I'm revolted each and every day because I see it coming. In fact because of this "secret swinging society" I have not dated since you simply can't trust women or men anymore. I mean what happens if 2 years into a relationship my partner says she wants to live the "lifestyle" and I disagree! Um can you say awkward! Its amazing to me how many religious people are doing this. I guess they have not read the BIBLE very well. Just more evidence of Hypocracy. I'm as atheist as they come and still I think this behavior is just sick. I have little to no hope for relationships and do believe this swinging trend will continue to grow in popularity until there is no such thing as monogamy, or even polyfidelity, and sex will be like the way it is described in Brave New World, just an emotionless act everyone has with everyone in order to satisfy a craving. This is all just more evidence for why the human race needs to be extinct and I sincerely hope either global warming or terrorism takes care of that!!!
And just so everyone doesn't think I'm so old prude saying this, I'm a 22 year old college student, and not some 80 year old ranting about how the world is going to heck in a handbasket (even though it is).
Thank you!
"Swinging Trend" - that's a good one. People have been swinging practically since there were people around. It's not a "Secret Society" - there are swinger ads and posts and websites all over.

Maybe you should do some research on how optimism and positive thinking are good for you, because it really sounds like you could use a shot of both.
 
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January 25, 2008, 4:58 pm PST

swingers are not freaks

Quote From: hopefulangel

Las time I checked Marriage and honor, came hand in hand.These freaks are making m sick to know they dont think of it as wrong and want a good time.What about these people who really give their heart in thier marriage.They dont enjoy their spouse bein stimulated by something else.Its just plain Discusting and the will burn in hell for their sins.

 FYI we are not freaks! Swingers or people in the Lifestyle are normal people who just want to spice up their sex lives and last time i checked only God can judge a person and decide if they would be going to hell or not. Also in my opinion it is not a sin if both parties inthe relationship are agreed upon what is going on. 

Happily married swinger from the south

 
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January 25, 2008, 5:00 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

My husband of 15 years had talked me into joining the swinging lifestyle, convincing me that it would add a source of excitement and adventure into our marriage.  He swore up,down, left, right and center that I was the love of his life, we were a team, and no one would ever be able to come between us.  Within the next 2 years, we were in the middle of a bitter divorce.  He and the wife of a couple that we "played" with decided to continue their fun and games just between the two of them, and that has resulted in the breakup of 2 longterm marriages, and emotionally scarring our three children. 

That was 12 years ago, and to this day I have not spoken to him or had anything to do with him, and am unable to bring myself to forgive him. I felt I was tricked and betrayed, and to this day I am unable to enter into another relationship and remain alone, without any hope of that ever changing.  Meanwhile, he's married to her now and thinks he's just King Sh#T!

OK, so maybe we were doomed anyway and swinging didn't have anything to do with it?  I would have to say that after staying married for 15 years, then adding swinging into the picture, and boom, we were divorced....well, you do the math....

 

 
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January 25, 2008, 5:01 pm PST

right on

Quote From: r_u_readyet

Bravo to you! well said :)
His approach was very biased. He should visit some strip clubs and see the many people such as yourselves who are swinging.
 
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January 25, 2008, 5:03 pm PST

That's not trust, that's not caring

Quote From: jules1965

My husband and I have been swinging going on 5 years.

My family is aware of it as are my grown adult children, even my MOTHER.

 

I think what shocked my mother (think old school'what would the neighbors think?)

So I went to a popular swing site, typed in my zip code, put in a 50 mile radius and viola, up popped over 500 couples......there mom, that's what my neighbors think.

She was aghast of course that so many people were swinging, not that my husband and I swing.

 

The thing about swinging is, there must be 110% agreement between the couple if they are wanting to try this.

They must be 2000% committed to their MARRIAGE.

They must set clear and unbreakable RULES for swinging, any violation of the rules and the swinging ends or the marriage will.

 

Protect yourself at all times, from pregnancy, disease, weirdos.

Never go with strangers, always get to know the people first (phone, internet, safe place to meet for the 1st time)

 

Swinging has not harmed our marriage whatsoever. We've had 3 somes (MFM and FMF as well as couples MF/MF)

If swinging has done anything to our marriage it has strengthened it, we have more trust for each other, our sex life..........well......just RULES!

 

We are open with each other, no secrets, no lying, the trust is amazing!! If both of us don't agree to a situation 110%.......we leave, simple as that.

 

Nobody can enter our marriage, they may enter our bed but not our marriage. We are a team and will remain until death do us part.

 

Swinging is absolutely NOT for everyone.

No partner should feel threatened, forced, or guilted into doing anything they do not want to do!

 

The couple coming on the show where the wife doesnt want to do it but feels pressure from her husband and is scared he'll leave if she doesn't go along with him.......

Face it, there are much deeper problems than just if his 'needs' or 'wants' aren't met or she doesnt do what HE wants to do.

 

Some people are not into swinging nor ever will be. It isn't right for everyone. (though the numbers are so high that fact has room for argument!)

 

One thing swinging has given us is a much deeper understanding of each other, has enhanced a very wonderful sex life too.

 

Mind you, this isn't an everyday thing or we spend time cruising, we're part timers......if we find a nice couple fine, if not, fine too.

Its been a year since we swung but we move across country and have been busy....if the mood strikes we'll search for like minded adults and see where it goes......our lives are not consumed by swinging, only positively enhanced  our marriage, IN and OUT of the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love how all the swingers say they completely "trust" their spouses.  LOL!!! That isn't trust that is simply not caring.

 

Your spouse does not care that you want to screw someone else and you don't care that your spouse wants to screw someone else.  You don't care a whole lot about each other.

 

Please...If you are a swinger and have been so for a long time and your spouse has turned very sick, handicapped, and needs your help to (get out of bed, wipe their hiny etc) speak up now.

 

I want to know how many swingers really grow old together.  You guys aren't going to stick it out and be there in the golden years still swinging or even talking about your escapades while you swing the only way you can on a porch swing. 

 

Where are all the swingers who are old?  They are divorced, not with that person anymore.  I don't think you guys who do this in your marriages love each other enough to be the person who is wiping the other's bottom when/if the time comes you  have to do t hat.  You don't care for each other that way.

 

 

 
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January 25, 2008, 5:04 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

eeeewwwww Jules....you are gross....yuck
 
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January 25, 2008, 5:05 pm PST

Swingers are unhappy couples

I have worked with swingers, and they are unhappy people. There are a few I know ended up divorce. Any time I see a man willing to give his wife to another man for sex, he is a man that doesn't care much for his woman.

What makes me mad about these situations are, the people involved, they bring their unhappiness's to work and insecurites, and take it out on people around them at work. They accuse others of doing or wanting to do what  they do, they are just afraid to admit it. Women that enjoy this behavior, are on power trips, and they are bullies. These  women accuse other women at work of pretending to be nice impling they are not or they condemn them. It's their bully attitudes that infuriate me. 

The woman who wrote the book about the south, is an example of that. She wants to defile others and make sure they are not above her level. Yes there is swinging in the south, so whats your point. Your a bully looking to degrade anyone that might look better than you. There are a lot of people who don;t swing in the south and there are a lot of people who don't swing in the north. Instead of defending your swinging status by trying to drag others in or down, why don't you just keep it to yourself and get it through your head nobody cares what you are doing or what you have got to say if they have a brain in their head. Most people don't care, as long as you don't bother them with it.

 
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