Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

I'm going to play Devils Advocate here, but I think what people are saying (could be wrong ), is there does come a time when the kids will FIND OUT, then how do you explain it, not the intimate details. I agree with you,a kid should NEVER be DRAGGED into these conversations, agreed this is more about dysfunction then the swingers lifestyle I think.

Many of the people here would probably be SHOCKED right out of the pulpit if they KNEW just who was doing it, its not like people go around pushing it on others (though some will, but that can be said about any group of people who are convinced they are right), most times you wouldn't KNOW, and you know what, NO ONE has the RIGHT to poke their noses into the nation's bedrooms.  As far as being pedophiles or being into beastiality etc.  anyone who says that, probably thinks the same about any group (homosexuals would be an example) that dosen't share their sense of "Morality" or "Normalcy", as for being "Freaks", Swingers are our Teachers, Doctors, lawyers, Houswives and dare I say Ministers, they don't have it tattooed to their foreheads, and from what I've seen, they seek out like minded couples.

It's NOT for me, but that dosent give me the RIGHT to condemn someone for it, but I DO THINK that BOTH partners have to be "ON BOARD" with the idea, if not the marriage will not survive, we aren't talking about leaving the toilet seat up, this is a lifestyle that should NEVER be FORCED onto someone, and if it's  something you are uncomfortable with or it disgusts you, then you should not allow yourself to be coerced or THREATENED into it

I'm going to play Devils Advocate here, but I think what people are saying (could be wrong ), is there does come a time when the kids will FIND OUT, then how do you explain it, not the intimate details. I agree with you,a kid should NEVER be DRAGGED into these conversations, agreed this is more about dysfunction then the swingers lifestyle I think.

Many of the people here would probably be SHOCKED right out of the pulpit if they KNEW just who was doing it, its not like people go around pushing it on others (though some will, but that can be said about any group of people who are convinced they are right), most times you wouldn't KNOW, and you know what, NO ONE has the RIGHT to poke their noses into the nation's bedrooms.  As far as being pedophiles or being into beastiality etc.  anyone who says that, probably thinks the same about any group (homosexuals would be an example) that dosen't share their sense of "Morality" or "Normalcy", as for being "Freaks", Swingers are our Teachers, Doctors, lawyers, Houswives and dare I say Ministers, they don't have it tattooed to their foreheads, and from what I've seen, they seek out like minded couples.

It's NOT for me, but that dosent give me the RIGHT to condemn someone for it, but I DO THINK that BOTH partners have to be "ON BOARD" with the idea, if not the marriage will not survive, we aren't talking about leaving the toilet seat up, this is a lifestyle that should NEVER be FORCED onto someone, and if it's  something you are uncomfortable with or it disgusts you, then you should not allow yourself to be coerced or THREATENED into it

First off, let me say that I have not seen this show but from what most of you have written I would tend to think that this couple is not happy in any aspect of their marriage and that adding another sex partner would totally destroy any chances they have of  marital bliss! Sounds like the husband is forcing the wife into a situation that she is not comfortable with....I would tell her to stand strong because he isn't thinking about her at all and it's likely he will cheat on her even if she gives in. Their problems aren't about sex and sex won't fix them!

I appreciate what this husband (cfnamier) had to say about marriage and it is obvious to me that he is more in tune with how his wife feels than most husbands are. That seems to be the case with most of the swinging couples I've had the opportunity to meet. These are the most confident and relaxed couples...the ones envied by others. You can see the love when they look at each other! To the person who said flowers are not love...the fact is all wives like little surprise, I was thinking of you gifts. If you did not know he was a swinger you would applaud his thoughtfulness towards his wife!

My relationship is one envied by others. We have been married 20+ years and started swinging 3 years ago. Not often... 4 times in 3 years. We waited until our children had their own lives.  We have no jealousy issues, we trust each other completely, and we genuinely enjoy spending time together. We can and do talk about things that most couples avoid because they feel uncomfortable. We feel a closeness that is hard to describe. He treats me like I am golden.  I am strong, confident, self assured, intelligent, feminine, sexual, proud, honest, genuine, flirtatious, playful, fun, adventurous, talented, happily married, and loved by the one I love! I am a very happy woman!

I am curious about the couples who think swinging is bad for a good relationship but where the reason is other than religion. Are your reasons based on a review of actual facts, personal knowledge or just a negative emotional response? I believe that a lot of the negativity towards your spouse having sex with someone else is just pure jealousy. Would you feel threatened by another woman? Would her looks, talent, imagination, enthusiasm, etc... steal him away? Would he love you less? If any one of those things could happen they will happen anyway! But, it is more likely that those are your issues, your fears and have nothing to do with your husband or your relationship with him. You should be honest with yourself. Your relationship will suffer from jealousy and poor self image, doubt and suspicion so even if swinging is never an option for you at least you won't fear it as you do now. You might come to see swingers as just another way some couples enjoy their free time now and then. Be happy for us because we are very happy!

It just so happens that my best friend is engaged to a man who indulged in the swinging lifestyle with his last wife. They were married 22+ years and were swingers for the last 5 years of that marriage. What brought an end to that marriage? Swinging. What began as a consensual agreement between married partners ended up a nightmare. Many swingers become so enmeshed within their fantasy life that they fail to function in real life without it.  These "fantasies" that swingers hide behind are merely a justification for what amounts to sexual addiction at best, and mentally disordered at worst.  My friends fiance opted out of the lifestyle and his x-wife chose to continue with many extra marital affairs to satisfy her addiction. The marriage ended because of this. If you asked him today, he would tell you how much he regrets his choice to swing. The definition of fantasy is described as such...

1 obsolete : HALLUCINATION
2 : FANCY ; especially : the free play of creative imagination
3 : a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived: as a : a fanciful design or invention b : a chimerical or fantastic notion c : FANTASIA 1 d : imaginative fiction featuring especially strange settings and grotesque characters -- called also fantasy fiction
4 : CAPRICE
5 : the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need <an object of fantasy> ; also : a mental image or a series of mental images (as a daydream) so created <sexual fantasies of adolescence>

There is nothing wrong with "fantasy" and being able to share fantasies with your spouse IS healthy. However, "acting" upon it no longer qualifies it as a fantasy. I know many "non' swinging couples who are able to share deep feelings, thoughts, fantasies with one another, and they have very meaningful and close relationships with each other. That has nothing to do with sharing one's body with strangers. It's about the willingness and ability to communicate openly and effectively. It's about respect, trust, and commitment. If you truly love your spouse. If you truly have fantastic intimacy... If your sex life IS and always has been awesome... If you have total respect and trust for each other.... it stands to reason that you should feel completely satisfied with your spouse and the life you've made together, and wouldn't have the need or desire to masturbate using an outsiders body. And no, this isn't from a religious stand point. It's from a purely clinical one.

As far as the children.... all of the swingers who have children and have voiced their opinions here say the same thing, "we don't discuss our sex lives with them, they have no idea of our personal life preference", etc. Children are extremely aware of what goes on inside their homes. Don't lull yourselves in to a false sense of security by thinking they could never find out. They are like little sponges soaking up everything. Children can navigate the internet better than most adults. Are you sure they don't snoop (as most kids do) through your browsing history??? Your private email??? Private pictures??? And if your children don't.... your neighbors children or your friends children most likely do. The very arguement that "non" swingers would be surprised at how many actual swingers are close by, if they simply accessed a swingers site and typed in their zip code, proves my point. Besides, just because so many are doing it, doesn't make it acceptable. And if it is so harmless and just 'sexy" fun, why do the vast majority of swingers hide what they do... from friends, co-workers, family, and yes... even their own children??? If you believe in what you do, if you believe that it's just sexy harmless fun, then you should be able to stand by your choices without fearing what other's may think.

Just my opinions and observations.

It just so happens that my best friend is engaged to a man who indulged in the swinging lifestyle with his last wife. They were married 22+ years and were swingers for the last 5 years of that marriage. What brought an end to that marriage? Swinging. What began as a consensual agreement between married partners ended up a nightmare. Many swingers become so enmeshed within their fantasy life that they fail to function in real life without it.  These "fantasies" that swingers hide behind are merely a justification for what amounts to sexual addiction at best, and mentally disordered at worst.  My friends fiance opted out of the lifestyle and his x-wife chose to continue with many extra marital affairs to satisfy her addiction. The marriage ended because of this. If you asked him today, he would tell you how much he regrets his choice to swing. The definition of fantasy is described as such...

1 obsolete : HALLUCINATION
2 : FANCY ; especially : the free play of creative imagination
3 : a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived: as a : a fanciful design or invention b : a chimerical or fantastic notion c : FANTASIA 1 d : imaginative fiction featuring especially strange settings and grotesque characters -- called also fantasy fiction
4 : CAPRICE
5 : the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need <an object of fantasy> ; also : a mental image or a series of mental images (as a daydream) so created <sexual fantasies of adolescence>

There is nothing wrong with "fantasy" and being able to share fantasies with your spouse IS healthy. However, "acting" upon it no longer qualifies it as a fantasy. I know many "non' swinging couples who are able to share deep feelings, thoughts, fantasies with one another, and they have very meaningful and close relationships with each other. That has nothing to do with sharing one's body with strangers. It's about the willingness and ability to communicate openly and effectively. It's about respect, trust, and commitment. If you truly love your spouse. If you truly have fantastic intimacy... If your sex life IS and always has been awesome... If you have total respect and trust for each other.... it stands to reason that you should feel completely satisfied with your spouse and the life you've made together, and wouldn't have the need or desire to masturbate using an outsiders body. And no, this isn't from a religious stand point. It's from a purely clinical one.

As far as the children.... all of the swingers who have children and have voiced their opinions here say the same thing, "we don't discuss our sex lives with them, they have no idea of our personal life preference", etc. Children are extremely aware of what goes on inside their homes. Don't lull yourselves in to a false sense of security by thinking they could never find out. They are like little sponges soaking up everything. Children can navigate the internet better than most adults. Are you sure they don't snoop (as most kids do) through your browsing history??? Your private email??? Private pictures??? And if your children don't.... your neighbors children or your friends children most likely do. The very arguement that "non" swingers would be surprised at how many actual swingers are close by, if they simply accessed a swingers site and typed in their zip code, proves my point. Besides, just because so many are doing it, doesn't make it acceptable. And if it is so harmless and just 'sexy" fun, why do the vast majority of swingers hide what they do... from friends, co-workers, family, and yes... even their own children??? If you believe in what you do, if you believe that it's just sexy harmless fun, then you should be able to stand by your choices without fearing what other's may think.

Just my opinions and observations.

I want to address a few more items....

one....swingers engage with other like-minded people on purpose...no one wants to get tangled up with an unhappy couple, a cheater, or someone who has been coerced. Drama is a no-no!

two....men are not responible for the existence of swinging nor is it always their idea!

three...the fact is that many happy with what they have couples are swinging worldwide without any adverse results. 

four...most people do not want their sexual practices or desires to be known to the public...this is not shame, it is privacy!