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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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lizzy_148

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January 25, 2008, 1:05 pm PST

Who's To Say?

I don't think this is a subject that a person can say is right or wrong on a whole. They can only choose to not take part, or to take part. Decisions about sex are some of the most personal decisions anyone can make. If two people in a relationship are both okay with the situation, who's to say that it won't work for them? Nobody else knows them, or their relationship, and what they want and need as well as they do. I can certainly see the point about it not seeming like cheating. I've been with someone I planned to move across country for and marry at some point, and then found out they cheated on me for over a year. I can tell you from that experience that the worst part wasn't the sex or the other woman, it was the lies and disrepect. But it's not disrespect if the other person is okay with those sexual activites. And I just have to say, it is NOT a low self-esteem thing. If anything, I would say it shows higher self esteem that they can have that freedom with their partner and still be okay with themselves and their significant other. Generally I would say jealousy is a product of low self-esteem, not this. And no, I do not participate and probably never could see someone I love with someone else.. but I still understand where the desire to do it may come from. And even if you don't understand it, you can't say its wrong for the people who do, as long as both parties are ok with it... if it was, they wouldn't do it. Different relationships happens everyday, whether its open-relationships or swinging, or relationships of convenience, or anything else.... if they're happy with it and it fulfills their needs, even temporarily, then its right for that couple, at that time.

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judygraves

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January 25, 2008, 1:05 pm PST

secrets in the suburbs

I my personnel option, I think it is sick. You and your partner should share in each other. If you want to try something different that is something special for the both of you, both should sit down and discuss what each other want out of sex. No other person should be involved, nothing wrong with experimenting with each other's body as long as your partner is ok with what you are doing. But seeking someone out of the relationship in my book that is cheating. You made a comment with 1 person and that it who you should have sex with unless you don't love that person and don't respect them. Then your option is to leave the comment and the love to find out what you want, but who says the grass is greener on the other side for a couple minutes of pleasure. They have to think of the partner's feeling and how it will affect them this is a shared decision.

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ramair

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January 25, 2008, 1:06 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: cemjlm

I think it is SICK, SICK, SICK to even think of doing. Renee I am like you I could NOT Ever, Never even share my husband with one other person let alone two others. I KNOW for a fact you should NOT cave in to your husbands demand. Leave HIM! There are wonderful men that can't stand that sort of thing either. and you deserve the BEST in a marriage. Men say they are primeavel and meant to share. Well woman Aren't.....A husband whom is completely yours in every way, especially in LOVE MAKING is the most precious and beautiful thing there is in a marriage don't sell yourself short. I have to have LOVE MAKING not just CHEAP sex for my self worth and I think you do too.

Please Renee do not go that route when you so strongly oppose it. You would be miserable and could get depressed and despondant over time with this kind of pressure put on YOU. DON"T do it. I have been very happily married for 50 years MAKING wonderful LOVE to my husband and have NO regrets. I hope you will be able to do the same.

Now that I've actually seen the show, I noticed that Renee did give in, having sex with another man while Brent watched. Since she did it once, he probably thinks he can get her to do it again. Probably knows just which "button" to push, her aversion to being alone. Why do I say this? Renee admitted to Dr Phil that she hadn't been without a man in her life since HS. Sounds like a whole lot of settling, to me. And, for what? To escape being alone? But, it's better to be alone. Than to settle for whatever comes down the pike.

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cmurphy67

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January 25, 2008, 1:06 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Personally swinging is not for me but what Two consenting adults do in their private life is none of my concern, as long as they are not harming anyone else.Whether its right or wrong for them is not up to me to judge. IMO, i'm sure there are worse people than swingers hiding out in our neighbourhood.

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housewife52

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January 25, 2008, 1:06 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: buzymommaof2

It is not wrong if you are not cheating. If you are swinging then that means you decided as a team, a couple, as Husband and Wife to do it and that it is o.k. It is only wrong if the boundaries are not clear.

I concede that I will never understand swinging. It will never be for me and my husband of almost 34 years. But, I have to ask you, even though you decide as a couple to do this, isn't that the same as deciding to cheat as a couple, kind of like tag team cheating?

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cowgirlk1206

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January 25, 2008, 1:07 pm PST

swingers

First of all...Sex is "making love" wich should obviousally be done with the person you love. When you are in a relationship, you should not want to have any sexual contact with anyone else OR even look at anything else sexual for that matter. It is both concidered cheating the way i look at it. If my fiance ever braught this up that he would like to do, i would feel rejected, not good enough and repulsed. Sex is not something you play around with and "play around with many in bed" If you want to make it different and fun, then OK...theres plenty of ways to do that with just you and your loved one!!

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yousayso

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January 25, 2008, 1:08 pm PST

swinging

Jeepers, it seems we can make anything (and I mean anything) in this world 'okay'.

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shelefthope

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January 25, 2008, 1:08 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

This story really makes me upset and realizes that my family is not the only one. I am 15 years old and what is going on with Renee and her husband is what went on with my parents. I wish I did not know any of this but what has been going on with the fighting and dragging the children into it is what happened with my parents and I. I was about 11 and I noticed what was going on and knew the entire about 3 years they were doing this. My older brothers and sisters asked what was going on because I am 9 or more years younger then all of them. I told them and they now check up on me to ask how it is going. My sister had the same thing happen with her but my mother divulged everything that happened, and now this is what she has tried to start doing with me. Well form all of this my mother tries to tell me I know they have stopped but this makes the situation actually worse. It has led my father to have emotional affairs with other women and to have a porn addiction. I know this all and I am only 15 years old. It is hard but my parents don't even know I know any of this, they think that I am not smart enough to find any of this out and as my dad has said to my siblings, "She will believe what ever we tell her." When I know more then anyone in my family. It is so hard for me to cope but it just shows how in many ways that Swinging is not for many many people and especially when you still have children in the house, because they will find out no matter how hard they try to hide it and it hurts. Also as the person before me said, it is unfair to the children and family. My parents would spend a couple hunderd dollars every weekend they went out, this put us in a even worse situation, we almost lost our house. I'm sorry about all this personal story but this is from the perspective of a child thats parents are swingers. Its so emotionally draining to be dragged into this day after day and I'm to ashamed to even tell some of my best friends.

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marinemom5740

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January 25, 2008, 1:09 pm PST

have faith in God

Quote From: saved_in_ohio

My husband & I (high school sweethearts who have now been married almost 20 years) were in the "lifestyle" for the last 12 years or so. It was actually MY idea to get into to it - I guess because we were married young and I wanted to see what "life" was like. So now, I have renewed my relationship with God and I am completely going the opposite direction. I have changed but, he hasn't. To me it's amazing that we survived "swinging" but our marriage may not survive my faith. I feel bad because I got us into to this and now I want to get out - it's not his fault that I changed. We did have alot of fun but I'm older now and I realize what is really important in life. Plus, most (if not all) of our friends are from the "lifestyle". So, he sees them still going out and having fun and is angry and bitter at me for taking away his fun. So, my advice is to think very carefully before you start something - it may backfire on you. Pray for me!!!

in response to your message when God calls us me must answer. I too am saved for 12yrs now and wil never look back. I have dated " wordly" men who all they wanted was sex one wanted to swing and I droped him like a bad habbit. don't feel bad you are following the path God has set for you. pray and be quite to lesten to God for his direction. God bless you

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kimipayne

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January 25, 2008, 1:10 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

i caught the tale end of the show today on "lifestyles". My husband and I tried it for a while but I am just not comfortable with what goes on. I was brought up to believe in love and marriage and intimacy with ONE person and found that I could not get over my insecurities. My husband promised if we tried it and I didn't like it,,,he would not bring up the subject again. But, he spends hours on the computer on the adult web site. This bothers me but I am not sure what I can do about it. He is 63 and more "experienced" and open minded about sex than I am. I will not compromise my feelings but that has meant no intimacy...which is difficult for me cause I am a huggy, kissy, kind of person and I miss being cuddled. I am so conflicted at times, I lose sleep wondering what to do. I pray that our marriage will survive, but it takes 2 and right now I feel like a singe/married person. After 9 years, I should feel better about our relationship, not so unsure.

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