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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Number of Replies: 1406

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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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eosgirl

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January 25, 2008, 2:13 pm PST

Swinging lifestyle

After watching this show about swingers and knowing a few that used to live it, I have to say that I think the people engaging in that behavior also engage in other behavior like alcohol/drug abuse or have emotional issues that make them seek to add someone to their life to make them feel better. They lie about who they are to everyone around them, ie. family, friends, colleagues. The moral compass is drastically skewed. You don't have to go to church every week to realize that lies, deceipt and adultery are against the religious teachings. If those swingers were without any guilt for living that kind of lifestyle, they would be open about it to everyone, not just to other swingers. Most people that believe in what they do and that it's right, would not be ashamed to have it known to anyone.

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momof2illinois

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January 25, 2008, 2:13 pm PST

ok for some and not others

I think if both people in the relationship agree then that is their business. I am sure when a couple chooses to do this whether full or soft swap there are rules set with each other. They have made the decision together and are both willing. Having been to a swingers party (club) I know that the people who are in it together have a great time. Most of the time if not always you can tell if one of the people in a couple is not happy about it. That is normally a couple most of the swingers I know would not approach. After talking with a couple if myself or husband think they are not in it together we will not pursue them. We are in the lifestyle on a now and then type situation and we agree on everything we do or we don't do it. We look for couples that are in it for the fun and no drama. Most of the couples in the lifestyle that we have met have all been there to have fun. We are a typical upper class couple and we do not broadcast our "Swinger Status." My advice to anyone in the lifestyle or thinking of joining the lifestyle is make sure this is something both of you are into or it will blow up in your face. You cannot make anyone do anything they do not want to do and forcing someone is not the answer.

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bcaffee

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January 25, 2008, 2:13 pm PST

CRAZY!! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE IT!!

Quote From: jane2007

I thought that you, Dr. Phil, are not a judgemental person. However the side of the "lifestyle " you showed today is not surprising. You never have both sides on Dr. Phil. Maybe you should have watched some of the other shows that have reported on the lifestyle. Dr. Keith Ablow did a much more objective and responsible show. You say that you have never met a couple that this works for? Then why are so many people and I might add intelligent, educated, well- off, people doing it successfully?

I was not surprised that you would depict the lifestyle in the manner you did. You had two couples on today that are not truly lifestylers.

People seem to confuse sex with emotional monogamy. It happens all the time when they first here about the lifestyle. It is a natural instinct, "fear", because that has been imbedded in us since birth. If monogamy was so right for everyone then why do so many people cheat and deceive their spouses.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, we have shared every sexual fantasy(something most couples are afraid to do with each other) and we are married for 5 years. We found the lifestyle together and we decided to try it together. Negotiated non -monogamy and make no mistake it is negotiated does work. We have one of the best marriages around. The Lifestyle is part of our life but not a driving force. Some people go to the movies we like to partake in other actvities.

People have different rules in the Lifestyle based on their comfort zones but there is one rule that is always obided by and that is the women dictate what happens. The couple you showed today is in the minority. Why didn't you have a couple on the show that is truly comfortable in the lifestyle? As a woman this lifestyle brings empowerment.

Nobody is saying this lifestyle is for everyone however this lifestyle is about openmindedness and being nonjudgemental. Why can't people who are not in the lifestyle offer the same respect?

I typically enjoy your show but I was not surprised at the guests you had on today. Again, your show was completely one sided. If the facts you depicted were so true then why are so many people in the lifestyle? The community is growing more and more.

Jane

No intelligent person would have a lifestyle of this manner!! And if you don't like what Dr. Phil does on his show DON"T WATCH IT!!! How was the show one sided!! Are you sure you saw the same Dr. Phil show as myself?? or are you that demented!!

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avalon05

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January 25, 2008, 2:14 pm PST

Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: bambibib

Thank you for shedding some light on this subject. As you can tell from the message board and show comments, the lifestyle will probably continue to be misunderstood and miscommunicated.
I found the first couple to be very genuine and brave to present their life. As you can tell from listening to them, the lifestyle is not just about sex. They obviously love one another, are committed to their marriage and work hard on communicating as to what is going on. We should all be so lucky in our relationships.
I agree with some of the comments on the second couple, their subject is a sad fringe of the lifestyle and is not tolerated by most. Women are empowered in the lifestyle, not abused. Dr. Phil had offered to provide assistance to him in addressing his issues. I wish he had offered the same assistance to her in building her self esteem. The women in the couples we have met in the lifestyle are confident and would not have tolerated his behavior.
The lifestyle is not for everyone and everyone in it has their own individual desires which are respected and not judged. Too much judging goes on in this world, why can't consenting adults do as they please, as long as it doesn't violate non-consenting adults?
Thank you for presenting this subject, communication is a good start, hopefully listening will follow.

It's like every other addiction in life. After a while this is not exciting enough and you have to find something more to excite you. Like most areas, we have our swingers clubs even though we are a very small town. One of the couples had been out one night and had a 15 year old babysitting for them. When they returned home for some perverted reason they decided the husband should have sex with this child and his wife should watch. It turned them on!!! Now we have a couple that has three small children being tried for this crime. (and this is a crime) It has ruined many lives. The family of the 15 year old moved from the area. The parents of the man who chose to do this are spending their life savings on lawyers and they will have to raise the three children after the parents go to jail. And for those people who believe that it is not cheating because you both consent - adultry is adultry - consenting or not.

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marklinn16793

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January 25, 2008, 2:14 pm PST

Its all a matter of choice - personal of course

My husband and I have been together for 30 years and swinging for 12. We enjoy it and have made great friends outside the bedroom. However, we have seen less secure couples fall apart as they are using the Lifestyle like some people have children - just to keep the relationship going.

Its not a moral dilemma since we are both comfortable and enjoy going home and enjoying each other. Rather than a moral choice its a personal choice - some can and some cannot. I will say we never play with anyone unless we have met them first and find them compatible socially. Our group consists of 20 couples that drift in and out.

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diannehnrksn

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January 25, 2008, 2:14 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

It sounds like a absession that is consuming that guy. He was totally insensitive to his wife.

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fanofself

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January 25, 2008, 2:14 pm PST

Giving in

After viewing the show today on secrets in the suburbs, I see this whole thing as a self fulfilling act. It does not seem to compliment a couples love for one another, but to test it. Sex with your spouse should be like a dance. The two of you should be feeling the music, and swaying or 'swinging' to it together exclusively with each other. If it's not good enough, try again or learn more about your subject. The person who you are with is who you chose. It is all about give and take. Sometimes we give and sometimes we take, but it should never be solely about you.
The couple that said they are chosing this lifestyle and they don't have sex are in denial. This is no more than a big orgy of people trying to pleasure themself. Not oneanother or they would have put the music on, lit the candles, stayed home and danced!

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mermaidebbi

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January 25, 2008, 2:16 pm PST

disqusting

I think the first pitiful couple were just that; PITIFUL. She as twitching the whole time??? Why be married???? It's wrong; it's disgusting; I could of turned the show off but I Love Dr. Phil..... I divorced a husband addicted to porn...and see no LIGHT OF GOD IN PORN; or threesomes or more. What kind of dysfunctional life are they a part of. Who would want to be with either one??? Are these swingers drinking alcohol??????? I can't believe anyone in a sober state would ever think of "SWINGING??????????" but on a swing??? COME ON PEOPLE??? And the second couple??? OMG~~~~what fools.....bad show??

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kerrinna

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happy

January 25, 2008, 2:16 pm PST

Re: Inviting other's into a marriage

I have been with my husband for 13 yrs. We have invited other females into our sexuality because of me. I am attracted to other women and enjoy being with them. I struggle with this because we thoroughly enjoy it...but I feel it's just not right as a Christian lady. It has not come between us or ruined any part of our marriage...in fact, it's much stronger because we are very open and share most sexual desires. I do have friends that have experimented with this...and have found this to be a big problem within their relationship. There is much room for jealousy....when you invite others into the most intimate loving thing that a couple shares together. I think that since I was the one to instigate this...I really haven't had the feelings of jealousy..because I know that no other one compares to me when it comes to my husbands love. My husband also has no desire to share intercourse with anyone else other than me. Maybe that's the reason we can enjoy everything else!

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raychel7777

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worried

January 25, 2008, 2:16 pm PST

Satan

This is just the saddest thing I think I have ever seen. You can just see how Satan has entered into these peoples lives in this way. My prayers are with the woman whose husband is basically approving of her being raped by his best friend. It is the demon of lust and confusion. This man has opened himself up and let the demons of hell be unleashed in his home. My heart aches for her.

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