Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

   I ashamed to be a man right now

     After having been around the "Lifestyle" for almost 12 years now, I can say from experience that it creates unique dynamics & emotions for both partners in a relationship. I have been a member in a group in the Southeast, that has grown from a membership of 3,000 couples to a present membership of approximately 40,000 couples.

   

    You could ask any 100 couples, at any time, & you would most likely get 100 different answers as to why they are in the "Lifestlye". Answers would range from (yes) having sex with another couple or couples, to just watching others, being able to dress sexy (more than what you are able to do going out to a regular night spot), Women meeting other women for the opportunity of having woman/woman sex (this has become a very chic thing now days & seems to be very prevailent in young women. Many couples just go for the erotic atmosphere & to enhance their own personal intimacy.

 

    Through experience, I have seen that trying to find that illusive "Perfect" couple to "Party" & be friends with, is pretty much MYTH !  It is almost impossible to match up 4 people perfectly ! All too often, it is just one pair of the 4, that "clicks" and the other two, are just along for the ride (no pun intended) to keep their partners happy. VERY, VERY DIFFICULT !    After a period of time, you come to the realization that you go to a party to have fun on your own, no expectations of finding another couple. If you do, it's something to be surprised at, and you never walk away disappointed because you didn't.

 

     Getting into the "Lifestyle" has to be something both partners agree on (no just one, draggin the other kicking & screaming, behind them). There has to be rules set by both partners. The biggest, should be...if both of us aren't in complete agreement about another couple, then it is a NO !  Always, NO MEANS NO !

You will find most people in the lifestyle to be quite socially rounded, very polite (especially if they are veterans) No one likes pushy people ! You also have to have a very solid relationship with your partner, as this is absolutely no place for insecurity or jealousy.  have marriages been destroyed with swinging ? ABSOLUTELY !  I think there are a lot of cases where there are things missing in a marriage or relationship, that people are trying to find by adding others into the mix, and usually the "band aid" falls off quickly !

 

      I think to keep a relationship fresh, two people have to pay attention to each other, keep recreating the spark that ignites the fire with each other, constantly be creative & innovative. I think that there are a lot of couples, that despite everything they have going for them in common, sometimes lack the same sex drive. It's difficult if one person can want sex once a day, & the other only once a week (a definite mismatch) This also makes a relationship difficult when you hear your partner say...All you ever think about is sex....that's all you ever want...SEX,SEX,SEX !  And...there is a difference between spomeone with a good healthy sex drive, and a sex addict !  Again, finding that "perfect" partner, just like that "perfect couple" is difficult.

 

      The key to a great relationship is (like verything else) COMMUNICATION !  It may actually be one of the most important things to achieve in the earliest stages of a relationship. How do we get along ? what do we like sexually, domestically, socially, etc.   In the bedroom, talk about your fantasies, to each other. act on them (as long as your partner finds them agreeable) keep it HOT, SPICEY, FRESH & EXCITING !

For those of you with children, MAKE THE TIME to be with each other ! Get a baby sitter once a month, if you need to, get a hotel room ! get wild, get kinky ! BUT...MAKE THE TIME TO HAVE THAT INTIMATE TIME WITH EACH OTHER !  When you find the every day life begins to make you & your partner into strangers, it doesn't take much for someone else to pay a little attention, give a few compliments, and turn a head away from their present relationship.

 

      Bottom line...The swinging lifestyle isn't for everyone. every experience creates an entirely new set of challenges (which can be good or bad) It definitely gets a couple to communicate more with each other, also many times take more pride in themselves & the way they look. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHERS TO ENJOY WHAT THE LIFESTYLE HAS TO OFFER YOU ! But, as I said before, NO MEANS NO ! That not only goes for meeting others, but also for how your partner feels about what it is that you want to do.  The lifestyle is not a fix, for a failing relationship ! 

   

 

 

  Could not have said it any better myself. Well put!!!

As a single person, I tried 'the lifestyle' and quickly decided it was not worth it. Sex without affection, love and spirit is just  momentary pleasure without the bonding and love that sex is best discovered with.

The possiblity of abusing power is just too easy here. I think the couples on the show were not being fully honest with themselves. And not only the man but also his wife need help in the threesome spot.

If you say that "The lifestyle" attracts cheaters then you can also say that the priesthood attracts pedophiles.
Does it mean you will stop going to church, because of few bad apples?

yeah, no one gets hurt, what about the kids?  yeah nobody's perfect, does that mean they can still continue on doing the unperfect things especially as a responsible adult or parents or what?  

In all my years of life, I have never seen the swinging lifestyle work for any of the couples who have tried it. Eventually, someone gets jealous, insecure, resentful. Each couple believes they are entering into an agreement that will enhance their marriage, but that has never been the outcome as far as I can see. For those people who claim it really works for their marriage, I'd like to know what it brings to their marriage that they did not have before and do they think they could return to a monogamous marriage after introducing other people into the bedroom? (The couples I've known cannot return to monogamy once they have been with others. There is always one partner who wants to continue and isn't willing to compromise.) If you our your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in the lifestyle anymore, would you stop? How would you then meet whatever need you have that this lifestyle is fulfilling for you?

Let's face it, no one's saying that we should not discuss sex as a normal part of life with children and teens, but discussing your sex life with your child is stupid and wrong and it isn't going to lead anywhere good. I can assure you of that. The people on the show today sounded confused, esp. the first couple. It works for them, but she feels insecure. He likes seeing his wife with others. They just seemed inconsistent in their responses and I didn't believe them. That second guy is a jerk. He thinks he loves his wife; he doesn't comprehend love & if he thinks he does, then that makes him a first class you-know-what. A woman should never consent to do anything sexual that she is disgusted by. Renee damned her own soul the day she gave into her husband. And what type of best friend does he have if his friend is willing to sleep with his wife -- who clearly wasn't into it? Sounds like the men in Renee's life need to be shown the door. I'd have to put him out and risk being divorced a second time in spite of my fears of being alone. She found him; she can find someone else.

Dr. Phil, what was the point of promoting that author's book on the show? She didn't really have a thing of value to add to either side of the discussion.

Many of the people we run into every day "swing" they just don't advertise what goes on behind THEIR closed doors. They are self-confident and self-aware, passing no judgement on others and they don't push their lifestyle on others. Swinging is just an added dimension of a person.

 

Since when does having dinner out with a group of friends, laughing at each others jokes, celebrating an anniversary - lower self-esteem?! That group having a great time next to you in the restaurant (without any sexual inuendos) could very well be swingers! (And no they're not all going home together afterwards.)

 

Drug abuse, prostitution, excessive drinking - these activities WILL lower self-esteem, and unfortunately can be found in the family next door, your minister's family, your coworker's daughter.

 

There is a problem if one spouse wants the "threesome" experience and pushes it on their spouse. You have to be on common ground in a relationship regarding sex, when you start requesting something that doesn't feel natural and true to your partner, then it becomes deviant. The husband and wife who's older children were being involved - completely out of line. Sounds like there are other issues in this marriage, he'd use the kids to side with him in a divorce as well. That's a character problem.

 

Lastly, Mr. Truelove is correct - you don't explain this to your kids, and if my kids know I'm having sex down the hall with my husband, I'm sure they're trying to forget that! I'm 48 years old, and my parents NEVER had sex! LOL

 

And no, my husband and I don't swing (as least not yet)...

Personally, I've never understood couples' interests in swinging.  I also don't feel that whatever floats someone else's boat is any of my business....as long as it doesn't effect the well-being of others.

 

My reason for taking a minute to write, is because Dr. Phil, you specifically stated, more than once, that you are about as non-judgmental as anyone can be.  Based on your ever-increasing wisecracks (for entertainment value?) this is not true. 

Twice in less than an hour, you jumped at the chance to make derogatory remarks at the expense of the Clinton name.  Obviously, you're aware this is an election year and since you're seen from time to time at the elbow of President Bush, there's no doubt what party you're rooting for.  Your snide comments were uncalled for and struck me as a lame attempt to instill a reinforced negative tidbit in the minds of your viewers against the Clinton name. 

I'm sure you'll laugh at this statement with another wisecrack, mental or otherwise, stating you don't have the power.......well, excuse me? where have you been all the years you've been attempting to influence the viewing public with your 'advice'; all the while striving for worldwide recognition and acknowledgment?

 

In the past several months I haven't followed your show as loyally as I used to.  I'm increasingly disappointed with it' s format and content.  It seems you've gone so Hollywood, you've lost perspective of what you achieved when your show first aired.  Quite frankly, it's reminiscent of how Jerry Springer's show evolved.  He began with a great, very informative program which later became nothing short of sensationalized nonsense.  At times, this season especially, it's as if you're not sure of whether you want to be Larry King, Jerry Springer, a reality show, or what.  The key question is whether or not you've sacrificed the real Dr. Phil for celebrity and ratings.  

 

P.S. There aren't enough categories in your 'Emote:' selections.  Not one of them reflects my current status which is: calm

I am not a judgemental person and generally I have no problem with consenting adults doing whatever they want behind closed doors as long as both consent and no one gets hurt. That one couple that has the husband saying is his wife wont do a threesome he will leave her, is a real fricken jerk! he is abusive and controlling and very very selfish! Blackamil is NOT love and he needs to figure that one out. She needs to make sure he knows that and if he refuses to see how much it scares her and hurts her, she needs to leave. He forced her to have one once and as far as I am concerned he raped her and so did that other guy. GET OUT GIRL!!!!!!

Also why in the hell would you tell your children that you are swaping???