Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Again, you have just explained what we already know about why you are swinging. I am sure you realize that "being raped" was not what we were discussing. Please don't twist things around to suit your opinion.

It's not for me.

I don't look down on those who MUTUALLY like it, but most women have deep seated low self esteem issues, and it's horrible for them.

25 years ago when I was young and stupid, I tried sleeping with guys for just sex, and it was horrible.  I learned to value myself more than that, and if all I wanted was sex then I could do that alone!

I've been married for 10 yrs.  OF COURSE my husband fantasizes about two women at once, but he would never act on it.  It would wound him deeply to see me with another man, and I have no appetite for that!

Have just today watched Dr. Phil's show about 'swinging' and was really surprised at the number of people engaged in 'swinging'.  I was glad to see that while Dr. Phil was not judgemental of these couples that practice swinging, he does not condone this type of behavior nor believe it is a healthy lifestyle.  It's not his place, nor mine to judge these people.  But I do want to ask a question:  How can you really love your spouse and be happy to see him/her in an intimate relationship with someone else, be it same sex or m/f.   A sexual encounter is most definitely an intimate encounter.  It could not  be any more intimate. 

That said, I totally agree that what happens behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors and should be no one else' business.  Unfortunately, that's not the way it works, especially when children are involved.  What are you thinking?  Make no mistake about it, by the time those children enter their teens, most of them know what is going on.  Most of them are probably telling their friends and they and their friends are discussing how 'gross and discusting'  that is.  At the same time, they're saying, "If mom and dad are 'doing it', it must be ok".  The problem with that is they don't have the maturity to make wise choices.  If you're going outside the marriage, they, too, will think it's ok for them.  As Dr. Phil has said so many times, 'their brains are still growing and they are not able to predict the consequences of their actions'.   Is this really what you want for your children?  For them to mess up their lives before they even have a chance to live a little?

If people need to 'spice' up their life, there are any number of ways it can be done without going outside the marriage.  I know.  Been there, done that.  To those of you who are swingers,  are you just using your spouse or significant other as a safety valve?  What happens if you meet someone and really fall in love with them?  That said, I sincerely hope you find whatever it is you're searching for.  But wake up!  You're destroying your self-esteem.  Are you really proud of the fact that that many people have intimate knowledge of your body; more importantly, the body of the person you claim to love?  

May God bless you.   

And read my previous post.

I share a story of a minor who found out.

Dr. Phil,

Before I met my husband I dated a man for 4 years, during that relationship we became involved in a Swingers Club.  At one point we became board members and were nominated and voted in as the presidents of the club.  We held office for one year, were active board members for a total of 3 years. 

I came out of that experience very changed.  I thought that if we did this type of behavior that it would keep my partner from cheating and bring excitement into our relationship.  If handled honestly and respectfully it would "better" or make stronger our commitment to each other.  Boy, was I misguided...! 

The lifestyle sales pitch is what I started calling my initial thoughts.  That is how we recruited new members into this club.  After all the club is a private business.  It NEEDS to be profitable somehow to exist.  The club that I belonged to is one of the oldest clubs in the country.  It started in 1969 and is still in operation under a charter.  I found the history to be very interesting.  Most of my happy memories were with the old-timers and not having sex, but listening to their stories and urban legends at the annually camp-out held every summer.

Swingers are cheaters.  I found more unhealthy relationships and more unhappy couples than I could ever imagine.  This "ULTRA" open environment was false.  There were many couples that were doing this under the same pressured that your guest communicated.  It was sad.  Swingers get jealous and fight openly often.  It was not s good place to stay for any amount of time.  I am glad that I learned this lesson before I met my husband.  I would not take that jump with my husband ever under any circumstances. 

There is a place for "wild" behavior and experimentation.....  that is college and single life.  Marriage is a working relationship, built on trust and commitment.  I do not believe lifestyle couples that tell you "it works for them".  As a very active member of the Lifestyle for several years....  I can't tell you one couple that I admired their relationship.  I left that group of friends feeling very sorry and disappointed in all of them. 

Great show..  You tried to show both the good and the bad.  It is difficult to find good in that environment.  Good is a tentative place in the lifestyle.

Cheers,

Jeenias